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Author Topic: Step child with BPD  (Read 666 times)
KBug
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« on: January 25, 2020, 02:08:16 PM »

My step daughter, H, has been diagnosed with BPD.  Her mother also has BPD. H is a college student (sort of). She lived with us full time for a while because she was not getting along with her mother and now she lives with us part time. For the most part, we have been getting along well and she has seen me as a good support person. She is closer to me than her father because her mother engaged in some serious parental alienation through consistent lying about her father. She's questioned the lies now that she's older but she's still having a difficult time trusting him. H, her father, and I are all in therapy: H for BPD and sexual assault, the father for addressing the abuse he faced from the mother, and me for learning how to better interact with and parent H. Now H has been angry with me since I really started setting boundaries and has been avoiding me. I'm not sure how to respond.
Two years ago, H was sexually assaulted. We have been very supportive of her, and she even asked me to sit with her while the trial was going on. Lately, she has been very provocative with me. For example, she yelled and screamed at me for my choice of television news.  I taught middle school for years, so I don't yell and scream.  She became even angrier because I remained calm and told her that I would be happy to discuss her concerns but that I would only do so if she could talk without yelling.  Then she took and drank several bottles of wine (she's 20) over a couple of months and became angry and avoidant when I wanted to talk about what she did. She also took her Christmas present from our house to her mother's house when it arrived in the mail a few weeks before Christmas.  She has never acted like this before with me, although I know that it's common with her mother.
My dilemma is that whenever I try to set boundaries lately, she accuses me of not understanding her sexual assault.  I am a sexual assault survivor myself, and I have had job training on supporting people who have been sexually assaulted. Yet none of the issues that we are addressing involve her sexual assault. My therapist says that I should respond that I am sorry that she was sexually assaulted, and then refocus the discussion on the issue at hand. I'm afraid that she will feel like I am not listening to her, a common complaint for her.
I think this all started because about 6 weeks ago, she was going through a major depression focusing on how terrible the world is right now. She spent a couple of days talking to me about it on and off for a few hours at a time. I was listening deeply but the second day, I tried to redirect her to what she can do to feel better.  I asked her what the plan that she made with her therapist and the stress center said she should do when she's struggling.  I asked her what she had learned from her time in-patient. She became angry and that's when she started accusing me of not understanding her sexual assault. I suggested that the key to her feeling better was not dwelling on what's happening in the world, but on working on her own healing.  Since then, she's been angry and behaviorally provocative with me. I need this community's help in figuring out how to support her, how to work through our relationship issues, and how to nurture myself through all of this.  Thanks for your help.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #1 on: January 25, 2020, 03:33:45 PM »

Hello Kbug and welcome to the group. There is lots of support to be had here.  Your stepdaughter's behavior sounds very familiar. " You don't understand" is a typical BPD refrain. I think it comes from their sensitivity to real or perceived rejection. I find what works best with my son is being very intentional about validating his feelings. That does not mean agreeing with his conclusions just acknowledging his intense emotions and showing empathy. In your case saying something like " I am really sorry you feel like I don't understand the rape. That must be terribly painful and frustrating for you. How can we communicate better ?" Does that help ?
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livednlearned
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« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2020, 09:14:56 AM »

Welcome and hello kbug  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I'm a step mom to an adult daughter with BPD (she's now 23), and her dad and I lived with her on and off for  several years while she was finishing college. She's one of the most complex people I've ever met and I've had to beef up both my compassion and my boundaries with her, which makes for a complicated relationship that is never easy.

The scenario where she says you don't understand her sexual assault makes a lot of sense. From what you've described she received attention, empathy, compassion, reassurance and lots of support leading up to and during the assault trial, and now she wants that all the time. When you set a boundary or point out unacceptable behaviors, her first instinct is to get you back to that. She wants to be soothed and nurtured, she is more comfortable in the role of victim with you as rescuer.

What do you think about your therapist's advice to refocus the discussion on the issue at hand?

With SD23, when I assert a boundary or ask for her cooperation she tends to run through different tactics that all boil down to: No. When she cannot get her way, her animosity toward me escalates. But if I don't assert the boundary she becomes empowered to behave in more of a one-up position to me.

With your SD and the wine, she may not want to face the shame of what she did. Or, she is using anger to get you to stop probing. Sometimes, it's splitting behaviors, where the discomfort of feeling bad becomes a projection onto you, where it's easier to process. Then she becomes angry at you as if you're the one who is acting badly. With splitting, it's hard for her to see you as a good person doing something unpleasant. Instead, you are doing something bad (accusing her) so you must be bad (split black).

If it's an ongoing problem, you may find it's easier to assert a non-verbal boundary. The goal for many of us with BPD loved ones is to be effective and sometimes that means taking care of the boundary without asking for cooperation. With SD23, I finally had to start locking my bedroom door because she's never met a room she can't enter. I would come home for work to find her doing homework on my side of the bed. She would walk into the bathroom while I was having a shower and even with the door closed to my bedroom she would open it and come in, even after asking her to respect my privacy.

I also have had to dial back the amount of validation I engage in with her -- I still validate and support and listen. However, I limit it. If I do validate, I tend to use validating questions that show my support while putting responsibility back on SD23 to solve her problems. I felt we got into a cycle where I would validate her and then she would be a mess of intense feelings. I started to feel that I was both in over my head (not her therapist) and somehow manipulated to comfort and soothe her, often to the point that I had to cancel my own plans because she was so distraught. When I changed my plans, she would almost become cheerful.

Taking care of yourself is essential in these relationships. It's no joke. When SD23 is visiting, I work hard at self-care like it's my job. That has been one of the greatest gifts SD23 has brought into my life. Strangely, the more care I take for myself, the more SD23 seems to begrudgingly respect me, even if our relationship is not what it was when I put her needs first.

I don't recommend this book to many people because it can be taken the wrong way, but In Sheep's Clothing helped me recognize the many ways in which I allow myself to be manipulated, especially by people who are covertly aggressive. Passive aggression and overt aggression are much easier for me to spot. SD23 gets her needs met with a lot of covert aggression and I needed help understanding how it worked in our relationship. I understand she is traumatized and struggles to be effective ... at the same time I needed help managing our power dynamic while still having compassion for her. That book helped me see how hard SD23 is working to get her needs met and how hard I have to work to make sure her aggression does not make me feel like an outsider in my own home or marriage.

This is a great place to learn how to be effective in BPD relationships. The specific communication and relationship skills are definitely not intuitive and must be learned (and practiced).

Glad you're here  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
« Last Edit: January 26, 2020, 09:20:51 AM by livednlearned » Logged

Breathe.
KBug
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Relationship status: living together part time
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« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2020, 11:11:45 AM »

FaithHopeLove
"I find what works best with my son is being very intentional about validating his feelings. That does not mean agreeing with his conclusions just acknowledging his intense emotions and showing empathy. In your case saying something like " I am really sorry you feel like I don't understand the rape. That must be terribly painful and frustrating for you. How can we communicate better ?" Does that help ?"

You are right.  I'm really struggling with this form of validation because I feel like I am accepting her attacks on me. I recognize that I am validating her feelings, not accepting her accusations, but it still feels icky. I try this form of validation sometimes but I come away feeling manipulated into accepting blame just to keep the peace.  I'm fairly new at all of this. I've read a lot of books and gone to some therapy, but I really need the nuts and bolts of dealing with BPD on a daily basis from people who really know.  How did you get past the icky feeling (if you had them)?
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KBug
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Relationship status: living together part time
Posts: 78


« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2020, 11:46:43 AM »

livednlearned
Your post was really affirming for me. We have a lot of similar situations.

"The scenario where she says you don't understand her sexual assault makes a lot of sense..."
Wow.  You really hit the nail on the head.  I was very supportive and nurturing.  This makes a lot of sense to me. She probably feels like I have emotionally abandoned her.

"What do you think about your therapist's advice to refocus the discussion on the issue at hand?"
I'm working on this but then she accuses me of not listening to her and not understanding her sexual assault. She sees all of her issues stemming from the assault (school, problems keeping a job, problems making and keeping friends, etc). When I ask her what her treatment plan says to do or what she's learned in therapy to do when she's struggling, she also accuses me of not understanding her assault. This is the crux of our issue right now. She wants me to make her feel better and I can't. I can love and support her but ultimately she's responsible for her own journey and healing.

"With SD23, when I assert a boundary or ask for her cooperation she tends to run through different tactics that all boil down to: No. When she cannot get her way, her animosity toward me escalates. But if I don't assert the boundary she becomes empowered to behave in more of a one-up position to me."
YES

"With your SD and the wine, she may not want to face the shame of what she did. Or, she is using anger to get you to stop probing. Sometimes, it's splitting behaviors, where the discomfort of feeling bad becomes a projection onto you, where it's easier to process. Then she becomes angry at you as if you're the one who is acting badly. With splitting, it's hard for her to see you as a good person doing something unpleasant. Instead, you are doing something bad (accusing her) so you must be bad (split black)."
OMG, this makes so much sense to me.

"If it's an ongoing problem, you may find it's easier to assert a non-verbal boundary. The goal for many of us with BPD loved ones is to be effective and sometimes that means taking care of the boundary without asking for cooperation. With SD23, I finally had to start locking my bedroom door because she's never met a room she can't enter. I would come home for work to find her doing homework on my side of the bed. She would walk into the bathroom while I was having a shower and even with the door closed to my bedroom she would open it and come in, even after asking her to respect my privacy."
I'm going to have to think about how to make this happen.  The wine is obvious, just locking it up, but I'll have to give some thought about some of our other issues.

"I also have had to dial back the amount of validation I engage in with her... I felt we got into a cycle where I would validate her and then she would be a mess of intense feelings. I started to feel that I was both in over my head (not her therapist) and somehow manipulated to comfort and soothe her, often to the point that I had to cancel my own plans because she was so distraught. When I changed my plans, she would almost become cheerful."
This is me and H. I think that our relationship shifted substantially when I had been listening to her drama for 2 days and then started to push her use what she had learned from therapy and what she had agreed to do with her treatment plan when she struggles. I think from her perspective, I was not supporting her but blaming her.

"Taking care of yourself is essential in these relationships. It's no joke. When SD23 is visiting, I work hard at self-care like it's my job. That has been one of the greatest gifts SD23 has brought into my life. Strangely, the more care I take for myself, the more SD23 seems to begrudgingly respect me, even if our relationship is not what it was when I put her needs first."
I do art as a hobby (and quite frankly, therapy). She has been supportive of my time in art.  Sometimes, I have chosen not to go to the studio when she's having a really difficult time, and she has loved it in her own way, but I may have to be more intentional about creating space for myself.

"I don't recommend this book to many people because it can be taken the wrong way, but In Sheep's Clothing helped me recognize the many ways in which I allow myself to be manipulated..."
I just ordered this book.
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KBug
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Relationship status: living together part time
Posts: 78


« Reply #5 on: January 26, 2020, 12:00:20 PM »

When SD is struggling, I listen to her for a while. Now after listening for an hour or so, I am working on asking her what her treatment plan says she should do to help herself when she is struggling.  You all are helping me to understand why SD might feel invalidated when I switch the focus to what she can do to help herself.  I'm not 'nurturing' her and I'm asking her to be accountable for her own responses to the challenges she faces. I think that she sees this as me blaming her/abondoning her while I see it as personal empowerment.  I can't fix her issues and I think that she wants me to.  I want her to know that she has power and isn't helpless.
What am I not understanding here? How have you all experienced successes in helping your loves ones with BPD claiming their power to address their own challenges?
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #6 on: January 26, 2020, 01:52:53 PM »

Excerpt
How did you get past the icky feeling (if you had them)?
I did not have icky feelings about validating what my son was feeling. For me it is a way of not taking the things he says about me personally. They are his painful feelings. I can empathize with the pain behind them without owning them. Does that make sense?
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