Control of the TV volume

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I had thought today was an "upswing" from the grouchiness of the past few days. 

We took a short nap together and then she was going to do something else, I let her know I was going to try and catch up on sleep (I had gotten up early to take girls to horses).

Anyway...several repeated instances of turning up the TV too loud would wake me up, I would call my wife and there would be a perceptible change in the TV volume going down. 

My oldest daughter came over and brought her new puppy, there was some dog conflict that was loud, I called my wife again and asked the dogs be sent to the basement.

Basically several more wakeups due to dogs and TV, I decided to give up on catching up on sleep and had a pretty good headache going.

I decided to get up and get some paperwork done in my office.  I'm pretty sure my wife cranked the volume on the TV.  I asked for it to be turned down and again...a perceptible drop, although I suspect she turned up the subwoofer because the deep noises got louder.

Basically a couple more times of this and I walked into the living room and asked her how much longer the movie would be going and if they could watch in the basement (projector and nice sound system) after that. 

Instead of answering that question in a mocking tone she asks "Is there a problem?"

I responded the volume was too loud (kids are staring off into the distance while this is going on). 

She says that "maybe you should come manage the volume".

I said "So your compromise is for me to control the volume to my liking?"

FFw:  "Yes"

So I walked over and got the remote to the sound system and turned the power off (no sound at all) and walked out of the room.

She made the announcement "That's how a man loves his family." and I didn't bite.

Things are much quieter now, I'm getting stuff done and they are playing cards now.

Sigh...

Best,

FF

[formflier]

So I had thought today was an "upswing" from the grouchiness of the past few days. 

We took a short nap together and then she was going to do something else, I let her know I was going to try and catch up on sleep (I had gotten up early to take girls to horses).

Anyway...several repeated instances of turning up the TV too loud would wake me up, I would call my wife and there would be a perceptible change in the TV volume going down. 

My oldest daughter came over and brought her new puppy, there was some dog conflict that was loud, I called my wife again and asked the dogs be sent to the basement.

Basically several more wakeups due to dogs and TV, I decided to give up on catching up on sleep and had a pretty good headache going.

I decided to get up and get some paperwork done in my office.  I'm pretty sure my wife cranked the volume on the TV.  I asked for it to be turned down and again...a perceptible drop, although I suspect she turned up the subwoofer because the deep noises got louder.

Basically a couple more times of this and I walked into the living room and asked her how much longer the movie would be going and if they could watch in the basement (projector and nice sound system) after that. 

Instead of answering that question in a mocking tone she asks "Is there a problem?"

I responded the volume was too loud (kids are staring off into the distance while this is going on). 

She says that "maybe you should come manage the volume".

I said "So your compromise is for me to control the volume to my liking?"

FFw:  "Yes"

So I walked over and got the remote to the sound system and turned the power off (no sound at all) and walked out of the room.

She made the announcement "That's how a man loves his family." and I didn't bite.

Things are much quieter now, I'm getting stuff done and they are playing cards now.

Sigh...

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

FF, I wonder if these smaller issues are the two of you acting out resentments with each other. I don't see the two of you acting out in a "big" way. You both have the sense to not do that. ( by "big" way- I mean trashing the house, screaming and yelling) but these seem like passive aggressive barbs- turning the volume up, you turning it off completely rather than turn it down, her snarky comment. )

Sounds like resentment

[formflier]

FF, I wonder if these smaller issues are the two of you acting out resentments with each other. I don't see the two of you acting out in a "big" way. You both have the sense to not do that. ( by "big" way- I mean trashing the house, screaming and yelling) but these seem like passive aggressive barbs- turning the volume up, you turning it off completely rather than turn it down, her snarky comment. )

Sounds like resentment

It could be.  But her offer at compromise was to set the volume  as I saw fit.  I confirmed it.  Turned it off.

If it was up to me, I wouldn't have a TV in the house.

Perhaps that is passive aggressive, perhaps not.  If someone tells me to create a situation as I see fit..I'll do that.  If we agree on a compromise, I'll do that.

Seems simple to me. 

But yes there are things that I have resentment over, the TV is one.  Turning it off reduces resentment.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I refused to have a TV in the house, so we have one in my husband’s man cave. I would go bonkers if I had to listen to a TV day and night, so I totally get where you’re coming from, FF. That said, it strikes me as a very passive aggressive act to turn it off.

[Rev]

I refused to have a TV in the house, so we have one in my husband’s man cave. I would go bonkers if I had to listen to a TV day and night, so I totally get where you’re coming from, FF. That said, it strikes me as a very passive aggressive act to turn it off.

The biggest mistake I ever made was to have a TV in our bedroom.  Volume at night was always an issue - and she would NEVER set the timer on the TV no matter how many times I would ask - no matter how many different ways I would ask.

Have you ever considered that the volume on the tv might be a way to drown out all the "voices" in her head?  Pretty sure that was what was happening with my ex. She never clued in to the volume for me - because she was disassociating while she left the TV on.

Good luck.

Best...

Rev

[formflier]

Have you ever considered that the volume on the tv might be a way to drown out all the "voices" in her head?  

Yes.

Her Mom does this, sleeps with TV blaring all night.  Sister does it as well.

I'm lucky that FFw is BPDlight compared to them.  I can likely count on one hand the number of times we have used a laptop to watch a movie in bed.  Going to a hotel is a special treat because we watch TV in bed.

I'm lucky we never went there with TV in the bedroom. 

TV in this house has been complicated and has gone through periods of being well managed and poorly managed.  Much of it has to do with her emotional state.

We started off saying no TV in that room, I wish I had held that boundary way back then.  That was a complicated time.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Good point, Rev. My mother would sleep with the radio blaring on a news station. 

[Rev]

Good point, Rev. My mother would sleep with the radio blaring on a news station. 

I never even considered it until now … I remember that when I moved in, this was a "soft issue" or at least she first presented it as soft.  I really did not want one in the bedroom. There's just so much science about how bad that is for your sleep patterns.  And yet, there were screens in every room.  Her reasoning - and I still see the puppy dog eyes - was that when her ex moved out of the bedroom, she had become so accustomed to having the TV in her room that it would be difficult to break the habit.  Oh... had I known then what I know now!

Come to think of it - I no longer own a TV and rarely watch NETFLIX even. I have a new relationship.  Two things are not allowed in the bedroom. Her dog and the TV - Total deal breaker I told her and I even told her why. Best decision we made. I think we've managed to watch on one complete movie on the couch in six months or so and two episodes of a show she said she wanted to keep watching. She has since lost interest.  We walk the dog instead.  True love!

Rev

[Cat Familiar]

Have you ever considered that the volume on the tv might be a way to drown out all the "voices" in her head?  Pretty sure that was what was happening with my ex. She never clued in to the volume for me - because she was disassociating while she left the TV on.

My husband just left to go to a movie. Now that he's retired, pretty much all his time is spent reading books, watching TV, going online, going to movies. Last night he behaved in a rude manner that I called him on, and after he got over his minor dysregulation, he's been extremely remorseful. (see my thread) https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=342554.0

Your comment, Rev, made me realize that all this reading, media watching, TV viewing--it's all to distract what's going on in his head.

I can spend hours with myself and feel perfectly happy and content. He, on the other hand, will often let loose with an expletive, apropos to nothing, and if asked, he will say that he's beating himself up for something. Must be really uncomfortable to be plagued with those types of feelings on a regular basis. 

[once removed]

i have the television in my bedroom on 24/7, it is never turned off, and i sleep with it on. ive been doing this since i was at least eighteen.

why? i like politics and cable news a lot. its a major hobby.

i also prefer some noise, and some light, to go to sleep by.

im not suggesting that thats normal, or that everyone does that; most people certainly dont. i am suggesting its more common than you might think, and not necessarily an indicator of mental illness, but of taste or preference.

media is an escape for everyone, of course, some more than others.

conflict over tv volume, whats on, and when, is also extremely common.

my ex and i dealt with the difference between us pretty well. at her place, tv was turned down to a pretty low volume when she went to sleep (lights were out) and i hung out in the living room if i wasnt ready. shed inevitably get tired of news being on all the time, and wed change the channel or do something else.

i dont think this is about conflict over media or television volume FF, i think this is emblematic of the usual way the two of you fight/conflict with each other.

what do you think?

[Rev]

im not suggesting that thats normal, or that everyone does that; most people certainly dont. i am suggesting its more common than you might think, and not necessarily an indicator of mental illness, but of taste or preference.

I think that you are correct - it's more prevalent than we may think and I would add that it doesn't make it healthy either. I don't watch TV anymore - and that's not very normal either.

What I am saying therefore, is to look at the reasons behind the behavior. Too much TV in the hands of a pwBPD will produce a battleground - but I do agree that too much TV watching is not a sign of PD.

Rev

[strugglingBF]

Wow.  And here I thought the TV in the bedroom and ensuing noise conflict was not that common.  Seeing the title of this post is actually refreshing.  I have a TV in my bedroom, but it always has gone off when I go to sleep.  My BPDgf likes to sleep with the TV on.  This was a major point of conflict when we moved in together.  The flickering light and uncontrollable noise (I will explain uncontrollable in a minute) made it extremely hard for me to fall asleep.  I even tried to strike a compromise with my GF on many occasions.  Compromises included using sleep timer (this backfired if the TV went off before she fell asleep), doing a night on night off method (this backfired because she didn't come through on her end of the compromise), turning the volume down so that it was not as disruptive to my sleep habits (she just turned it up after I fell asleep and it would wake me up).  I tried so many things and she just was uncompromisable in the end each time.  I even started staying up till after she fell asleep so I could then turn it off and go to sleep myself.  But this backfired because there were more and more nights where she wouldn't fall asleep till 1:00 a.m.   Now that we don't live together, I never sleep with the TV on.  I do like having the ability to watch something in my bedroom, so I like the TV in there as an option.  I now fall asleep to slow piano jazz music set to go off with a timer.  My GF would probably contest that and say what is the difference between jazz and tv sound.  This is where controllable noise comes in.  TV shows have very loud scenes (gun shots, laughter, slamming doors, etc, etc, etc.).  Those are the moments that would make it hard to sleep.  Plus, the flickering light of TV due to scene changes.  While piano jazz is in fact noise, it is subtle background noise and there is no flickering light.  I don't think I have ever slept as good as after my GF moved out and I stopped having to sleep with a running TV.  This would be a major point of discussion if we ever live together again.  My GF is a bully who is willing to take things much further than I am when it comes to disagreements like these.  I know a lot of people fall asleep to TVs, and I am not here to judge anyone or say that either way is the right way or the "normal" way.  I will say it is scientifically proven that sleeping with a TV on is less restful than without.  You may be sleeping, but your ears/brain are not turned off.  It is affecting your brain and the quality of your sleep.   Funny thing is, she never had a TV in her bedroom until we moved in together.  She, however, would tell you that she has always feel asleep to a running TV.  Strange...and those are the arguments of person with BPD...not based in reality but good luck convincing them otherwise.

[UBPDHelp]

I thought the high volume was just my H. I actually feel like it’s gotten worse over the years and just thought he was getting hard of hearing from listening to it too loudly.

Car radio, too.  I think it is drowning out voices, just never realized it was the voices in his head, which makes more sense.

Does anyone else’s SO wBPD also change channels non stop (tv or radio)?  I can’t tell you how many times were watching a movie and I get up to grab a drink and when I come back watch the movie for 10 minutes and ask, where’d Bill go?  Then I find out he changed the movie part way through.

This weekend when he was in a mood, he changed the channel every 5 mins. Unfortunately we had a snowstorm so we’re stuck inside.

Just curious if anyone sees this in addition to the volume.

[strugglingBF]

My GF doesn't do the channel changing thing, but she does listen to music extremely loud in the car, home, wherever.  It is frustrating watching TV with her because it is so loud to my ears.  When we lived together, she purposely turned the TV up because she knew it drove me nuts. 

[Cat Familiar]

My husband does the channel changing thing, but not when we’ve agreed to watch something together. But he will do it with the radio, which I find irritating. Hello? Is my input of any interest to you? Obviously not.

I first noticed this when we were dating and I was driving my car. I had a number of CDs that were some of my favorites. He went through one after another and quickly ejected each. I felt like all my likes were getting dissed.

Nowadays if it’s something I really want to hear, I say something. Otherwise I think it’s merely reflective of the chaos that’s going on in his head.

[UBPDHelp]

Ha Cat,

Well, glad I’m not alone. Exactly the same thing. I only get to listen to what I want if I’m alone. I don’t usually care too much but it is inconsiderate regardless.

My H has said he turns up the volume to tune out talking. I thought he meant the kids and often I’m like they’re not making any noise/aren’t home. I’ve gotten used to it, but sometimes my BIL is over and complains.

Channel changing is frustrating but kind of funny. But not for them.

On a side note, does anyone notice stress tics at times of high dysregulating?  My H is under a lot of stress and now out of control rages. When he does calm and sit now, I’m noticing a lot of facial tics (blinking, tweaking his neck, throat clearing) that he doesn’t always have.

Anyone else notice these things?

[Rev]

Ha Cat,

Well, glad I’m not alone. Exactly the same thing. I only get to listen to what I want if I’m alone. I don’t usually care too much but it is inconsiderate regardless.

My H has said he turns up the volume to tune out talking. I thought he meant the kids and often I’m like they’re not making any noise/aren’t home. I’ve gotten used to it, but sometimes my BIL is over and complains.

Channel changing is frustrating but kind of funny. But not for them.

On a side note, does anyone notice stress tics at times of high dysregulating?  My H is under a lot of stress and now out of control rages. When he does calm and sit now, I’m noticing a lot of facial tics (blinking, tweaking his neck, throat clearing) that he doesn’t always have.

Anyone else notice these things?

Notice all of it - not facial tics - but constant fidgeting. I could never let my ex rest her hand on me because it was not before long that she would fidget in a way that did not "fit" with what was going on.

I thought there was something wrong with me until my new GF starting stroking my head one night and all of a sudden, it wasn't "out of sync" - Don't know if that makes sense?

Rev

[UBPDHelp]

Hi Rev,

I get what you’re saying.  My H definitely has stress tics that only appear when something is really troubling him.

I said this elsewhere (but think this was what you were getting at), but where does sex fall in “soothing” for pwBPD?  Does anyone know if that’s a thing? (I haven’t finished all my reading/research).

I’ve noticed my H is calmer when there’s plenty. I understand it’s normal to feel relaxed and close, but it feels very much like he’s using it specifically to soothe. 

It is striking a lot right now because he’s ranting on one hand about me being a slut and then on the other hand thinks I should want to sleep with him. A rage would make that difficult, a rage about being a slut is doubly difficult, imo anyway.

I don’t want to hijack the volume control thread so feel free to move this if need be.

[AskingWhy]

In my experience, the smallest thing will set off a pwBPD.  It can be just an irritation, or a full blown rage.

FF, I am sorry you have to experience this.

[Rev]

Hi Rev,



I said this elsewhere (but think this was what you were getting at), but where does sex fall in “soothing” for pwBPD?  Does anyone know if that’s a thing? (I haven’t finished all my reading/research).

Yes - it's a thing - my ex would often say - not "that was really good." but "I feel better" but could never really tell me better from what.

[empath]

My h always had to have the TV volume pretty loud, too, and the music in his car. The house is so much quieter and peaceful since he has been gone - it's a good thing.

[Cat Familiar]

First thing my husband does when he comes into the house is to turn the radio on. It’s disruptive to me because I like the silence. We live in a quiet rural area and I much prefer to hear the birds, the occasional livestock vocalizations, the wind chimes. But he prefers human noise—TV, radio, music.

He seems to have a running internal dialog that is constantly criticizing him. Apropos of nothing he will swear, sigh, yelp as if in pain. When I’ve asked him what’s going on, he will say that he’s just beating himself up.

[Notwendy]

 Mine also jumps to the being criticized conclusion and has a lot of distractions to keep from connecting with his thoughts. I can stay alone for a long time. He doesn't like to be alone in the house- prefers me here but is content to ignore me while pursuing his interests: reading, listening to radio or taped programs, his hobbies.

I have often felt that he doesn't seem to be emotionally available to me, but if I think about it, I think he's not available to himself- he tunes himself out with his interests.