Stay or leave?

[FollowHeart]

I'm wrestling with whether or not to try saving a four-month long relationship.

Most of our conflict is about him being hurt when I don't follow *exactly* through on when I'm going to be in contact (call or text) or if things change with our plans to spend time together (pretty much always from my side). I'm not used to having someone so hyper focused on my time. I get frustrated when he feels hurt, like "how are you actually so mad at this small thing?" And it feels like he's wanting me to bend over backwards apologizing and admitting I messed up. My initial responses are admittedly, not great. It's often a response of feeling defensive and frustrated. and my heart has sunk because he's mad at me -again- and how long will this take to fix? Things were fine and now I'm suddenly doing damage control and it's a huge energy suck. And then because things inevitably don't get immediately resolved to his liking, he begins reacting in anger with verbal attacks. Telling me I'm not a good person and I'm more and more showing myself to be a liar, etc. I have a very healthy sense of self and have been on the receiving end of a ton of good quality therapy. So I know the things he says are not true. But it still really hurts. And then I need to spend my precious time and energy on accessing my supports and tools in order to build myself back up. This is interfering with my own goals and what I'm trying to accomplish in my life (I work 20+ hours a week and am a full time social work student). I need my emotional energy in order to be good at my job and my practicum.
We've gone to a handful of couple's counseling sessions. I feel like I've seen progress since we started dating and I had the initial realization of what he was like (he told me from the first tinder convo that he has bpd and is in DBT therapy).
He is a single parent to his 5 year old son and dealing with custody issues (he has full custody), and in general dealing with a lot of bureaucracy of systems (college, immigration, son's school, court, health care)

So many times I've thought that's it, this is over. And then it isn't over. It may have finally ended yesterday? Time will tell.

I'm so torn on whether to try to keep this thing alive or not. I'd be so thankful to hear thoughts/comments from others

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[UBPDHelp]

Hi FollowHeart,

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, but so glad you found this site.

I am new here and definitely NOT an expert so will not give advice. What I will do is briefly share my experience.

My heart aches for you because you are likely about the same age as my oldest 2 kids and you have your whole life ahead of you and are so full of promise.

Clearly if you are pursuing social work you have a kind heart.

So, I met my uBPDH in college. He was smart, funny, sweet and handsome. We had a fun relationship with dates and friends and only the occasional “outburst”.  I was confused by these (my household growing up was calm) but chalked them up to stress and different upbringings.  He was always apologetic and we moved on. They didn’t last long or happen often.

We married and had kids and just kind of the normal ups and downs. If memory serves, he might have an outburst 1-2x a year that I would say were slightly above hot tempered.

About 10-12 years ago, things seemed to pick up.  Honestly, I wasn’t paying such close attention to frequency so timing is a bit hazy. In the last 5-6 I have felt exactly like I was walking on eggshells.  It is a terrible feeling. There have been some added stressors that I believe have brought this on, but in the last year or so, it feels as if he is dysregulating more than he is not and he is now leaving, sometimes for days at a time.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes and am learning so much from this site about tools to see if I can undo some of the damage I have done as well as work on myself. I am truly grateful for the kindness and advice and coaching I have received here.

25 years later and I wouldn’t trade my kids for one single thing in this world, but had I known this was where I would end up, I don’t think I would have picked this path. And I know if it were one of my kids facing this path, I would do everything I could to help them choose something else.

Dear FollowHeart, you are 4 months in, at your young age that feels like so much time (I know I have a D who was devastated at a 3-month breakup), but you have your whole life ahead of you and I only get to look back at the time I’ve wasted for 25 years (not all was bad, and I own my part of my circumstance).

Follow your heart, but let your mind give you the answers you are looking for.

Others on here will be able to give you some very solid advice. I wish you the very best.