My adult son who fits the profile of bpd

[wambat]

My husband and I feel our 45 year old son fits the profile of bpd. We are new to this whole thing. Recently he was in a serious snowmobile accident. He will be OK but it will be a long haul. He lives with his girlfriend in the far north about 6 hrs from us. His daughters age 9 live with their mother near us. She will be re- marrying soon to a wonderful kind and caring man.Our son will be unable to work for probably several months.
He has a long standing pattern of abusive language with us raging against and blaming us for what he perceives as never being there for him over the past 20 years+ This is not true. He had a good childhood and we did things always together such as camping with his dad, theatre etc. with me. He works in mining as  a heavy equipment repair mechanic. He has just finished raging at us even though he is recuperating - just two weeks ago he had surgery to repair a broken neck from the accident. Was driving his machine at 100 miles /hr and hit a tree at midnight.
He wanted his 75 year old parents to drive his daughters up for their birthday to the north in the February  unpredictable weather. We said we could not do that[ also I suffer from anxiety driving I am getting professional help for it] so he sent a nasty text- really abusive language and said we are never there for him and he doesn`t need us- very abusive, swearing and all..
This is typical in that we have received texts like these many times before. Then we will get one a few months later saying he wants us in his life. then we go back to his abuse again  telling us how we never were good parents. We are too old for this . We love him and want a relationship but can`t keep on like this. He is very narcissistic- always blames others.[ has done so from a very young age] Nothing is ever his fault and cannot understand our perspective at all. We are too nervous about driving up there in winter and will never drive our granddaughters that distance - just too much responsibility at our age.
I don`t think he would ever get counselling for this behavior of BPD because he does not think there is anything wrong with him. When things don`t go his way he blames others and rages about them.. This is a terrible time. The guilt I feel about not at least seeing him while he is recovering is something he will never forgive us for I know it but we cannot subject ourselves to his abuse and anger and he will rub it in our faces for ever. We spent 6 days at hospital making sure he was going to be OK and even then he blew up at us.
So would really appreciate what others have to say.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Done-er Stepdad]

If you go out to a street corner and ask 100 people, is 6 days at the hospital enough, for a 45 year old person who has other support, you will get 100 yes answers.

You can't control his reaction. You can control your reaction to his reaction.

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Wambat. Welcome to the group. We are glad you joined us. Your story sounds very familiar. You are definitely not alone. My best advice at this point is to put your own self care first. Your boundaries around travel are sensible and healthy. You have nothing to feel guilty for.

[wambat]

First I am assuming all my other posts can be seen so that this post makes sense.
My husband and I have stayed away form our son who told us to stay out of his life to heal[ from the horrific accident] We feel trapped. If we don`t ask after his health he will always hold that against us that we did not[ yet he sent the abusive text telling us to stay away]. If we do ask how he is doing he will still be angry with so damned if we do and damned if we don`t.
We are wondering if we should send a short text to his partner whom we get along with and just ask how they are doing because we do care .
We are anxious to know how he is progressing but what should we do.