A contemplation on forgiveness

[Person2]

A few days ago, I wrote a note to myself that I’d like to share.

I’m seeing now that the only way I can forgive my mother, and move on, is to take back my own life - to live fully in a way that takes into account who I am, and what I want from my life.

As long as I continue to allow my mother to have an oversized role in my thinking and actions, I will never be able to forgive her. It’s all up to me and in my control. By giving up any control to her, it blocks my being able to forgive her.

For me, feeling the connection between the sense of control over my own life and the act of forgiveness, is an epiphany. If I’m feeling powerless, I’m not in a position to forgive. If I’m empowered, feel like I’m in control of my life, I’m also in a position to forgive.

Does this make sense to others here?

[zachira]

It fully makes sense what you are saying. You are now examining how your mother has affected your life and what steps to take to not be so negatively affected by her behaviors while becoming happily independent from her. Forgiveness is a big step. I equate forgiveness with compassion for self and others.

[Done-er Stepdad]

Forgiving doesn't mean that you then continue leaning into punches.

You can forgive as a healing process for yourself, and then set whatever boundaries you want, including no further contact.

[Panda39]

For me forgiveness was seeing the person for who they are (not my distorted view of them), realizing that their behaviors are theirs and not my fault, recognizing that relationship was not healthy and in my case letting go of that person was needed so I could move forward.

I still have love for this person because of a shared past, while recognizing that they don't fit in my life in the present and there is also no future there.  He's stuck in his own dysfunction that's sad, but it's not my fault and frankly not my problem.

I agree forgiveness is about feeling empowered and that power for me was self-love.  I'm worth having supportive people in my life that love me just the way I am.  I

Panda39

[TelHill]

Forgiving doesn't mean that you then continue leaning into punches.

You can forgive as a healing process for yourself, and then set whatever boundaries you want, including no further contact.

It took me many years and a lot of work to forgive my dBPDm & FOO.   Healing from this comes first. Healing is not contingent upon forgiveness.

[Methuen]

I’m seeing now that the only way I can forgive my mother, and move on, is to take back my own life - to live fully in a way that takes into account who I am, and what I want from my life.

As long as I continue to allow my mother to have an oversized role in my thinking and actions, I will never be able to forgive her. It’s all up to me and in my control. By giving up any control to her, it blocks my being able to forgive her.

This resonates fully with me.  I think you articulated what I've been working on, but without awareness.  I've noticed that I'm not angry, frustrated, and feeling hopeless about my mom the way I was last summer.  I'm also aware that I now understand her BPD and I know I have tools to help me manage how I interact with her better.  But I hadn't yet connected the dots that I am managing my feelings with her better, because I have taken back control of my own life.  I think  for me, forgiving is a process.  It might take a while.  Like everyone on this forum, I have lasting damage (physical and emotional) thanks to her.  But for me, you've hit the nail on the head when you suggest that the ability to forgive comes with taking back control of one's own life.  Great post P2.

[Person2]

I’m glad you found this helpful Methuen!

I think  for me, forgiving is a process.  It might take a while.

I feel the same; it’s a long-term goal. For now it’s something I contemplate. Currently, I’m focused on dealing with my anger first.

[zachira]

I like to think of forgiveness as a process, and as something we likely go back and forth on. At times we may feel more forgiving than others, and than other times more angry than forgiving. Over time, my goal is to replace the anger with compassion for those who have treated me badly, to feel sad for them, how terrible it must be to feel so badly inside and to take those feelings out on others.

[Methuen]

I just found this workshop on Forgiveness:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=58084.0

Lots of great stuff if you scroll through the comments too.

I'm struggling with Forgiveness at the moment.  Not sure if its two steps forward and one back, or two steps back, and one forward.  Currently feeling the latter after yesterday's episode.

Still good to read this workshop, as seeds are hopefully planted.