Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 04:04:05 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books most popular with members
104
Stop Caretaking the
Borderline or the Narcassist
Stop Walking
on Eggshells
Journey from
Abandonment to Healing
The Search for Real Self
Unmasking Personality Disorders

Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Looking back over 14 years here...  (Read 737 times)
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« on: February 14, 2020, 01:43:51 AM »

Remember how you're told, "One day you'll be able to look back and tell yourself the worst is over?"  I guess now's my time to transition.

When I arrived here my son was still 3 years old.  That was 14 years ago, last month.  Very soon he will have aged out of the court system.  Yes, he will be an adult.  A lot happened along the way.  Though it took years, there were progressive steps forward.  I went from alternate weekend dad during the two years of separation and divorce process.  The attempted Shared Parenting and equal time didn't weaken my ex-spouse's entitlement and control demands.  In her mind's perceptions her being Mother trumped my being Father.  So back to court and I became Legal Custodian.  The GAL was reluctant to grant me majority time, hoping Mother would be glad to have child support.  So a couple years later we were back and with the school's input I was able to get majority time during the school year.  Since then, six years ago, the entitlement/control balloon was weakened and we never went back to court.

I had been an elder in the congregation until he was two years old, I was encouraged to take care of my family.  The family conflict sapped or broke my energy, sadly I never succeeded in resuming my former activities.

I lost my job (of some 15 years) a few years ago but found that most employers weren't looking for an aging expert in older, now unpopular programming languages.  Even taking a programming boot camp didn't help.  Last year I had a major health event that sent me to the hospital.  I'm grateful I'm alive but I believe it'll be harder now to find the strength to work.  So as long as I can pay the bills I'm in retirement and looking forward to more vacations in the Rocky Mountains.  If the virus concerns overseas don't make travel too risky.
Logged

CoherentMoose
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 238



« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2020, 07:17:52 AM »

Quite the journey.  Head up, step out smartly on your new adventures.  Good luck! jdc
Logged
worriedStepmom
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 1157


« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2020, 09:45:19 AM »

Congratulations on your retirement.  Even if it wasn't your choice of dates, the fact that you were mostly prepared for it is terrific Smiling (click to insert in post)

You've done a good job leading your family.
Logged
Meridius
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 54



« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2020, 01:23:53 PM »

Thanks for the share and perspective.  You sound like you’re a strong man who wanted to be a strong father.  And made it.

Enjoy the beauty of the Rockies and retirement. I’m envious. 
Logged

Easy does it
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2020, 04:41:29 PM »

Congratulations on a job well done with getting majority time with your son after several years of challenging the courts' decisions on custody of your son. As the daughter of a mother with BPD, I have so much respect for you in how you fought to get majority time with your son, and how much better off your son is emotionally and for life because of all your efforts.
Additional congratulations on your retirement. Having to deal with a family member with BPD is extremely taxing both for our physical and mental health. I am glad you are free now to pursue what you enjoy, and hopefully you will do some traveling.
Logged

MeandThee29
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 977


« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2020, 04:55:44 PM »

Yes, congratulations!

My kids were older by the time it all fell apart, so no custody issues. It's still unpleasant, but I'm indeed past the worst of it. I had to put down another retainer for close-out, and I'm expecting that I will have to refresh it soon. Even in close-out, everything is far more difficult than it should be.

But I relate to the the problems of being jobless and older in the IT field. I put in a huge amount of effort job-hunting and did some certifications and academic work, but nothing. I was a finalist a dozen times, and they always hired someone else. Some were subtle but did ask some age-related questions, which I know is illegal. But it's a reality.  I considered a coding boot camp, but one I interviewed with admitted that my age might be a factor no matter what I did. So I shied away from that.

Thankfully I've been able to up my part-time work to keep us going and the pensions should be coming in 2020. So I'll be just semi-retired.
Logged
Sluggo
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced 4 yrs/ separated 6 / Married 18 yrs
Posts: 596



« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2020, 11:01:47 PM »

FD, 

I have appreciated and learned a lot from your posts and from you guidance with me and others over last 10 years. 

Thank you!

Sluggo
Logged
kells76
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 3246



« Reply #7 on: February 14, 2020, 11:30:20 PM »

Thank you for welcoming me when I arrived here and being a kindred spirit on these boards. While it's sad what brings us all together, I'm grateful that you care about what's going on with me and my family. Thank you for devoting so much of your time to us -- it sounds trite to say this, but I hope you know that you've made a difference in my life.
-kells76
Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #8 on: February 16, 2020, 09:45:03 AM »

FD, you're an important part of my life and story. During the worst night of my life, during ex's worst psychotic episode, you walked with me here on these boards. I am here because it's the only way I know how to thank people who meant so much, who mean so much. It's hard to communicate it through words on the Internet so I try to express it through actions.

How is your son doing? Will he join you in the mountains?

Logged

Breathe.
momtara
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2636


« Reply #9 on: February 16, 2020, 08:43:55 PM »

You have honestly been so wise and comforting and helpful here. You've improved the lives of many. I understand the need to take time for yourself. I hope you and son are doing well and that despite the pain, you know you've done a lot of good.
Logged
whirlpoollife
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 641



« Reply #10 on: February 16, 2020, 09:20:06 PM »

Glad you are alive !
You have helped me too with the understanding of what I was going through. Your advice stayed with me though the lengthy divorce. 

LnL same goes for you, posts directly to me and in reading the many you reply to for others.
Logged

"Courage is when you know your're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what." ~ Harper Lee
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #11 on: February 17, 2020, 01:08:17 AM »

My ex's pattern is to behave better when I'm ill.  Too bad I wasn't ill very often in the past. Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)  Recently she's been much nicer.  I believe, besides my weakened state, the fact that son is grown has made a difference.

I did go on vacations in the past with my son but a few years ago I took him out west, a drive of two days, and as soon as we got to Colorado Springs, he said he was bored and wanted to go back home.  I then took him to the Cumbres-Toltec railroad (narrow gauge and coal driven steam locomotives) but his complaining (no constant internet in the mountains) got me so frustrated that we returned home and I returned alone a couple months later at the end of summer.  Since then I've traveled alone.  Turned out very inexpensive since I put the back seats down and sleep on a camping mattress in back.  I even have electric air conditioning if it's hot or bugs flying around.

However he did say last summer he would later on go with me on vacations.  But now I like the freedom to go where I want at my own pace.
Logged

momtara
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2636


« Reply #12 on: February 17, 2020, 01:57:57 AM »

That's frustrating about the vacations, and I experienced the same thing last year when my son (for the first time) spent a whole vacation complaining about wanting to be on his video game system and not see any of the sights of the city we were in. I want my kids to see the beauty of the world and not only rely on screens for happiness.

We took a nature hike in fall and my son just kept asking what time lunch would be. But I'll keep pushing forward, try to instill in my kids a passion for nature and road trips without being overbearing. There has to be a happy medium.
Logged
CoherentMoose
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 238



« Reply #13 on: February 18, 2020, 02:13:15 PM »

HA!  I took two of my kids into the Grand Canyon one winter when they were in High School.  It was very cold and hiking the canyon is physically challenging even for young athletic high school kids.  I heard many complaints.  Especially hiking out in the cold wind.  It was a very hard hike to be honest.  There is no substitute for modern lighter weight equipment that we didn't have at the time.  But both of those kids have hiked the Canyon two more times on their own, and my son is planning on hiking an off-corridor Canyon trail in October, his second off-corridor trail.  And he's now an avid cross country skier.

My brother used to take his kids on two-night backpacking trips with no electronics allowed.  His goal was to hear "I'm bored" and that goal was always achieved early in the trip.  He would always say "Good.  Now figure out something to do while I take a nap."  His kids talk fondly about those backpacking trips and do not remember being bored.  I spent one trip teaching his kids how to skip rocks on a very small pond. 

It's good for kids to get "off grid" to experience life IMHO. 

It's definitely a challenge putting up with "whining", but hopefully, you can find a way to endure the complaints and expose your son to much of the beauty this country has to offer.  Good luck!  jdc

Logged
yeeter
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2210



« Reply #14 on: May 25, 2020, 06:13:10 AM »

FD, you have been great support to me over the years.  Thank you for your time and efforts

I hope that you are able to get to a place of contentment with your life

Peace be with you...

Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #15 on: October 11, 2020, 01:38:07 AM »

Last year I had a major health event that sent me to the hospital.  I'm grateful I'm alive but I believe it'll be harder now to find the strength to work.  So as long as I can pay the bills I'm in retirement and looking forward to more vacations in the Rocky Mountains.

That major health event was just over a year ago.  I walked into priority care and asked, "Am I having a heart attack?"  Talk about seeing the reactions of those poor women, reminded me of deer in the headlights!  An ambulance drove me the remaining distance to the hospital, a mere 1.7 miles but quite expensive.  The nice doctor inserted two stents into my heart in the cath lab.

Well, a couple months ago I had a repeat of before, coughing up pink fluid.  It was attributed to what seemed pneumonia.  Meanwhile this year's vacation had been delayed all summer by this year's nasty virus so I traveled in September — my Bucket List — to a remote national forest trail along a clear stream east of Pagosa Springs CO, Horseshoe Bend near Page AZ and finally the North Rim of the Grand Canyon.  I have some fantastic photos.  I wanted to stroll the Grizzly Creek trail just east of Glenwood Springs but all the rest areas in Glenwood Canyon were closed and I had to keep moving.  Some 17 nights away and only two were spent in a lodge outside GCNP.  I put the back seats down in my hybrid hatchback and slept on a twin foam mattress pad most nights.  Not as comfy as I'd hoped but it was a great time.

I came back without incident and still virus-free but within hours — what timing! — I drove myself to the ER, same symptoms as before.  Nuclear stress test was abnormal, whatever that means, now I'm told that the prior one last November was also abnormal.  Back to the cath lab.  I'd been told a year ago that only the heart attack artery was fixed in the emergency work, the other blockages weren't an issues then and left alone.  Well, seems they got fixed this past week, three more stents.  Hmm, call me Iron Man, give me a red suit and a bright light to hang on my chest. Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

Those are two reasons I've been missing lately.  According to one test (before the fixes) my heart is slightly weaker than before.  But still beating.
Logged

MeandThee29
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 977


« Reply #16 on: October 11, 2020, 11:48:32 AM »

Those are two reasons I've been missing lately.  According to one test (before the fixes) my heart is slightly weaker than before.  But still beating.

I'm glad that you got the care you needed. I have some chronic pain issues that I'm working on, both from doing hard physical work for a year to keep the bills paid and because I'm getting older and have been through a lot of stress. I have a knee that bothers me a lot and thankfully found out that just the knee cap is arthritic, so I'm learning to manage that. Aging is not for sissies!
Logged
RestlessWanderer
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 356


« Reply #17 on: October 11, 2020, 07:29:41 PM »

FD thank you for sharing your story. I think my journey started just today. It seems like you w done a good job of maintaining your sanity throughout, very admirable indeed. I look forward to hopefully learning from you.
How has your son turned out? Has it been a difficult journey for him? Hopefully you’ve been able to model “normal” behavior and taught him as best you can.
I hope that my son continues to be the loving, curious, and independent person he has been in his first 7 years. My biggest fear is that my wife will fill his head with a false narrative, though she so far seems to really care about protecting him from growing up damaged by this. I guess the middle road is he comes out strong from a moderate level of difficulties. I will always fight for him.
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #18 on: October 11, 2020, 11:00:07 PM »

FD,

You've been a key support here and I hope you stick around in-between what sound like great vacations. 

I turn 49 in a few weeks and feel the ageism.
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
SES
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 332


« Reply #19 on: October 12, 2020, 02:39:35 AM »

I am sorry you have been unwell. I hope you are making a good recovery.

I wanted to say thanks for the advice and support you have given me over the years.  You managed to get through this. It is helpful to see that there can be light at the end of the tunnel.
Logged
worriedStepmom
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 1157


« Reply #20 on: October 12, 2020, 10:00:43 AM »

I hope you recover soon.  I'm glad they caught this, and that it happened AFTER you came back from a nice hike in the woods, and not during.
Logged
Marianne-11
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Preparing for divorce
Posts: 86



« Reply #21 on: October 12, 2020, 11:23:37 AM »

Hi ForeverDad, wish you well and I am so glad to hear you are recovering. Thank you for all the good advice and support you always give here. Take care!
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #22 on: October 14, 2020, 08:11:14 AM »

FD,

Thank you for being part of my support system.  Please keep the updates flowing.  

I just looked and realized I've been here for 6.5 years...ohh how the time flies.

I'm jealous of the time you are getting to spend in those Rocky Mountains.  One of our near term financial goals is purchasing an RV, to better enable more trips out west.  (we've done a rental RV trip out west and loved it...absolutely loved it)

One of the things that seems to come through in your life story...and that I try to follow, is the notion that life isn't turning out as you planned, yet you are finding much to be content and satisfied about.

If you have time to post more about your son, his plans and goals...I'd love to listen.  "Graduating" kids out of the house and watching them take on the world has been more fun that I ever imagined.

Best to you my friend,

FF
Logged

zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #23 on: October 14, 2020, 10:10:42 AM »

You give people hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel while having to deal with high conflict people for long periods of time because going fully no contact is not currently an option. Reading your posts over the years, has taught me that hanging in there, never giving up, and taking the right steps will pay off in a lot of ways in the long run, even if we don't get everything we wanted. Certainly doing what we have to do: like keeping ongoing documentation, challenging what we can hope to change like custody arrangements, learning about how to deal with disordered people in the most effective ways, helps build a stronger foundation and not cave into the learned helplessness that comes from being in dysfunctional relationships. Thank you, and keep us posted, as we need to learn from you, and hear the success stories while learning about patience from you and the steps to take to most likely succeed in having to deal with disordered people for long periods of time. You are a great source of information and hope for those parents who keep striving for custody arrangements that are in the best interests of the children instead of about the disordered parents using the children for control and revenge.
Logged

defogging
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 202



« Reply #24 on: October 15, 2020, 11:17:39 PM »

FD - I wish you all the best for your health and the continued relationship with your son.  Just wanted to chime in and add my thanks as well, your experience and common sense advice has been highly valuable to me and many others.  I remember being in my darkest days a couple years ago and reading your posts, it gave me hope that there is life on the other side.  Thank you!

Best of luck, friend.
DF
Logged

Yeah, I'm just gonna keep moving...today, tomorrow, and the next
yeeter
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2210



« Reply #25 on: October 16, 2020, 06:25:39 AM »

The very best of luck my friend

Your advice has always been valuable and insightful. 

Your story has provided me strength.

I wish you peace.   

Logged
oneflewover
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4252



« Reply #26 on: November 01, 2020, 10:12:42 PM »

Wow, ForeverDad...14 years!  I so do remember your story.

You made it!  All the legal entanglements, the custody ups and downs over the years, fears, losses and gains.  I hope this means new beginnings for you where you can focus on your health, yourself and that bucket list of yours!

Sigh...if only you can have a conversation with that person who first logged on here with who you are today, right?  I would have a lot to say to myself that is for sure!           

       

   

 
Logged
momtara
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2636


« Reply #27 on: November 19, 2020, 09:35:55 PM »

FD, what I glean from your posts is that you fought hard and did your best. If you hadn't, you'd probably have a lot of regret right now. What I want most in my later years is to know I loved and was loved. But the first part is more important. You did your best and your son is better for it, and knows it. Kids end up not appreciating vacations with parents, but I'm sure your son will always appreciate what you did for him. So congratulations on that. You deserve a nice retirement. Maybe you'll find fun travel buddies. I know I'd love to meet people who'd go on short trips with me. My kids are too young for me to travel much, but someday I'll be looking to meet more people like you to travel with and share stories.
Logged
scraps66
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Separated 9/2008, living apart since 1/2010
Posts: 1514



« Reply #28 on: December 03, 2020, 02:10:36 PM »

I'm still waiting for the, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  This whack job and our S16 is certainly killing me.
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #29 on: December 03, 2020, 03:57:46 PM »

Well, I've certainly been severely impacted by events over the past 15-20 years.  I wish "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" but I've paid a price.  I used to be a congregation elder until I had to step down the last year or two before the marriage imploded.  I still haven't recovered from that.  And though I can't be certain of how much the parenting conflict factored in, my health has suffered.

Some people are active, getting rejuvenated by being around others.  Others like me can sit quietly and rejuvenate themselves.  There's a phrase to describe that difference between people, I don't recall it right now.  I can go on vacation and travel to places that relax me, I can do it myself without needing others there.  Sure, I'd love to have a partner with me to share my life and travels, but for now that's not a reality.  Call me Mr Chips?
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!