Just realized that my partner might have border line personality disorder

[Nkpi]

After months of trying to understand the root cause of my partner's rage, snappy behavior out of blue, blaming me as the most selfish, horrible person, constantly telling me to die and that he hates me when he is in a rage. For things that are so minor  he snaps, I am sure he might not feel it as minor. He will come out of that mood and be extremely nice to me, apologize to me. I ended up getting major anxiety went to a therapist and she told me I am in depression. There was some physical abuse in the past 2 years that sort of stopped the past 6 months. I have on multiple occasions asked him to go to therapy but says he will work on it himself. To his credit he got better, but there are still situations he will snap and be angry. I get extremely scared for my life during those situations. I know once he realizes that he has this disorder or go to the therapist once he might have the light bulb moment. I don't know what I should do.. I always thought I would not be afraid to step up for my self.. I am Soo surprised that I let it happen for Soo long ... I still care for him and love him, I really wish he would come to therapy with me so we could figure out our relationship. He just doesn't want to go, and gets angry that instead of working on my self that I tell him there is something wrong with him. I was hoping to learn from other experiences, how did you handle this type of situation, how did u get your spouse to therapy, what did u have to work on to be with your spouse with borderline personality disorder

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.

I am glad you found us but sorry for what brings you here.

I moved your post from the Conflicted board to the Bettering a relationship board so you will get more exposure to the tools and strategies we discuss here.  They can help us cope better and begin to make the changes necessary to take care of us and respond in better ways when our partners are dysregulating.  This can lead to improvements in the relationship though that can take time and practice.  The good news is that things can get better for you.

I get extremely scared for my life during those situations.

I think most people would given the history of physical abuse.     Can you tell us more about what that abuse looked like?  Are you still in therapy and is your therapist helping you with your fear?  Do you have a safety plan?

Sorry to bombard you with all of these questions.   

As you read and participate on the boards you will see what has worked for others and learn things you can try to improve things for yourself. 

Again, welcome. 

[Nkpi]

It's a mixture of things
It started out with him hurting himself, like headbutting a wall, throwing stuff around, then it escalated to grabbing my hand really hard so much that it would hurt, dragging me, pushing me off chair, pushing me hard ending up me falling, choking me.. they happen during his trigger events, everything goes back to normal after some time.

Before we used to live in a rental apartment, when the trigger event happens, he would just throw everything in his path down make Soo much noise, I would be Soo scared that some would call the cops.

I really feel embarrassed saying all these things... I feel like I have to say sorry-i don't know to whom

I stopped going to therapy when things got a bit better. The physical abuse to me stopped since past 4-6 months but still various things around the house suffer a tragic fate.

I never really thought that I couldn't stand up for my self enough - this really surprises me. I still can't some part of me still loves him. Even typing this makes me feel I am awful.

When I would be in a scary situation the therapist asked me to leave the house.

I wish I could understand him better, I wish we could go to therapy to learn more about what he may be going through so I can be there for him. I am far from perfect too, I could be annoying and challenging to deal with. Many of my personality issues might be triggering him, I wish I know him much better

He used to make me repeat statements saying " I did the wrong thing and that I provoked him"

He is a great guy, very kind, very loving it's just when the episode happens it's very difficult and scary.  I really wish I could find a way to understand him better. He does not want to go therapy, he is even angry that I suggested that after a fight this afternoon, understandably he felt I was diminishing his point view, my timing was wrong

[Harri]

I really feel embarrassed saying all these things... I feel like I have to say sorry-i don't know to whom

We get it here.  You are not alone.  I have not been in a domestic violence situation but many many of our members have been.  I have been abused in other ways and I can relate to your feeling of being embarrassed and feeling awful.  The thing is, the shame is not yours or mine to own.  It takes time to see that though but it will come.

I never really thought that I couldn't stand up for my self enough - this really surprises me. I still can't some part of me still loves him. Even typing this makes me feel I am awful.

Over time, physical violence even if it is with objects, and rage can have a huge impact on us and what we feel capable of. 

When you say you feel you are awful, is it because you still love him?  If so, my answer to that is of course you do.     That does not make you awful.   I still love my abuser too.  It is not something to feel shame about, love just is.  What can change is how you respond and how you think and that takes time too.  Love just is but I can choose whether and how I act on that feeling.

I stopped going to therapy when things got a bit better.

We can help you here of course.  I think you need some more support though.  What you are describing is pretty intense and complex and you are having some strong reactions. 

Will you call and see the therapist you last saw?  Can you commit to that?

[Nkpi]

Yes. I will start therapy again.