Son is now acting out. My wife blames me

[Oz2016]

So I haven't been on here for a while. I've had lots of issues with my wife who I believe might have BPD. Late last year I decided I'd had enough and saw a divorce lawyer. However, after seeing the lawyer I thought long and hard about the process and decided to say - at least for now. One day, though, my wife checked my iPad secretly and found messages where I discussed seeing a divorce lawyer with one of my friends. She went through the roof but in the end we decided to stay together for the kids. She got me to destroy any evidence I had of her past behaviour to restore her 'trust' in me. But she still brings it up every time she loses it, which is increasingly often.

My son who is nearly four has in the meantime been acting out. He's had to watch his mother losing it completely on a number of occasions, including hitting me in front of him. My wife has increasingly taken to treating him the way she has been treating me - criticizing him for most things that he does, including normal young child behaviour like jumping, rough housing with other little boys and being generally cheeky. She can really lose it with him in ways that remind me of how she loses it with me, which is scary enough for me as an adult. The other day he was naughty so she locked him out of the house in the garden for a significant period of time. He was very upset and cried his head off. He was difficult for the rest of the evening (having been perfectly fine previously). He reacts by saying some quite disturbing things to her - like that he is going to cut her with a knife and so on. She responds by openly talking to me in front of him about what a bad child he is, that he has no friends, that she should take him to see a psychologist etc. She even noticed at one point that he seemed to have a nervous twitch around her (which prompted a rare expression of regret from her).

Now my son has always seen me as a safe haven from his mother's behaviour. He used to get really bad separation anxiety when I wasn't around. I also must admit that I am quite lenient with him - I tend to give him more treats than she would and to overlook some minor transgressions. I did find it hard to set boundaries with him but I think I'm getting better at that after I attended a parenting course. I now set boundaries with him but I try to do so quietly, softly and with love as I understand that losing it with your kids just makes things worse. I also honestly feel so sorry for him that he has had to experience some of the things that he has had to experience.

She however takes this as a sign that his problems are a result of me not disciplining him properly, or even that I am trying to turn him against her so that I can get custody of him. She has frequently told me things like - "I know what you're doing. I know what you are planning".

Now I would like to have some advice on what to do. I agree that we need to present a united front in setting boundaries for him, but I also believe that she is excessive in her use of discipline and in what she considers to be bad or unacceptable behaviour (threatening or hitting people is unacceptable of course, but is climbing on me and wrestling with me really that bad?). I've tried to get some parenting experts to talk to her and to get her to attend a course, but the response is pretty much always the same - her parenting is perfect, I am the problem, she doesn't need outsiders, it's just a plot for me to get custody etc. What can I do?

[Harri]

Hi. 

I am so sorry for what you and your son are experiencing.  He is being verbally and emotionally abused and it is very bad for him to witness you being abused as well. 

I am going to move your post to the Family Law and parenting board, not because I think you should divorce but to talk with other parents who have navigated these waters before (child abuse within a marriage) and have come out better for it.  Some are parents, some step-parents and some co-parent which is essentially what you are doing in your marriage.

Take good care of you and your little guy. 

[ForeverDad]

We've been there, done that.  Sadly.  However, we have been able to strategize and eventually do find ways for things to get better.  Warning, though, for many of us it meant ending the dysfunctional and unhealthy adult relationship and focusing on parenting.  Why?  Not that we gave up too quickly but that our disordered ex never improved behaviors despite our efforts and so exiting the marriage was the only remaining option.

She got me to destroy any evidence I had of her past behaviour to restore her 'trust' in me. But she still brings it up every time she loses it, which is increasingly often.

I too deleted my documentation of her rants and rages.  Well, the first couple times.  But they always recurred sooner or later.  So I learned to make backup copies and keep them elsewhere where she didn't have access.  I recall one time she found that I'd recorded one of her rants on our camcorder.  I came home to a pile of shredded tape.  I was surprised she didn't break the camcorder.

Another tactic she demanded was that I apologize for whatever thing she claimed was my fault.  For a while I appeased her but the demands became ridiculous.  It got to the point that if I didn't use the words she wanted in the apology, she'd demand I restate them.  Again and again until I satisfied her.  Oops, was I so careless as to forget bits and pieces of the apology and that's why she demanded I apologize 5-8 times before she gave up?

Why should we document the bad incidents, and with details?  First, it's to protect ourselves.  If an allegation was made later how we dis this or that, we'd have proof it wasn't us who was behaving badly.  Second, few of us managed to get our spouses diagnosed.  Also, courts seem to give little weight to a paper stating a diagnosis.  They give more weight - and so must we - to documented incidents and behavior patterns.  So you would do well to keep a log, journal or calendar of incidents.  And of course keep it away in a safe place, and copies elsewhere too.  Later on you will find that if this makes it's way into allegations before court or agencies that vague claims such as "he always..." or "she always..." means little and can be ignored as unsubstantiated hearsay.

[worriedStepmom]

Have you considered getting therapy for your son?  There are registered play therapists (at least in the US) that work with kids as young as 3.  My D went to therapy at age 5 when her dad and I divorced.  It helped her to identify her own emotions and learn ways to self-soothe.  The therapist also had advice for me on how to adjust my parenting to best help D (T figured out quickly that dad was part of the problem and didn't include him in the conversations any more).

Since your W believes your son is a problem, you might be able to get her to agree to this "to fix S".  It won't stop her from abusing S, but it might help him to deal with it a little better.

(My SD12's mom is uBPD.  mom severely emotionally abused SD for years, but mom could not recognize that, despite multiple professionals telling her to stop certain behaviors.  She only finally admitted that she was "slightly" abusive "on accident" in the last 6 months, after her second psychiatric hospitalization of the year and after H got 90% custody - mom finally hit rock bottom.  She's behaving much better now because she knows the next step is losing her kid permanently).

[MeandThee29]

Have you considered getting therapy for your son?  There are registered play therapists (at least in the US) that work with kids as young as 3.  My D went to therapy at age 5 when her dad and I divorced.  It helped her to identify her own emotions and learn ways to self-soothe.  The therapist also had advice for me on how to adjust my parenting to best help D (T figured out quickly that dad was part of the problem and didn't include him in the conversations any more).

Since your W believes your son is a problem, you might be able to get her to agree to this "to fix S".  It won't stop her from abusing S, but it might help him to deal with it a little better.

I agree with this. My kids are significantly older, but when I look back, I see that some of their issues growing up were indeed because of the disorder in the home. At times I also neglected them to focus on my ex, and that caused problems that I didn't really grasp until I was on the other side. I really failed them on many fronts although thankfully both have come through it well and are succeeding as young adults.

No matter what their age, this is tough on the kids. FWIW, divorce when they are younger is generally easier on them in general than later because they are still flexible in their outlook. When they are older, the issues can be harder with greater consequences because much more of their foundation has been shattered. Every kid is different, but that's what the studies say.

[livednlearned]

What can I do?

How do you respond when she takes things out on S4?

[mart555]

No matter what their age, this is tough on the kids. FWIW, divorce when they are younger is generally easier on them in general than later because they are still flexible in their outlook. When they are older, the issues can be harder with greater consequences because much more of their foundation has been shattered. Every kid is different, but that's what the studies say.

Mine found it difficult, but after 2-3 months my oldest (14) said "At first I did not understand why you wanted a divorce but now I do"

[Oz2016]

Thanks for all of the replies folks. I wish it was possible to reply individually.

Yes I think therapy for the little one would be a good idea. If he continues to act out I think she might be prevailed upon to agree to it.

Things got bad again the other night. She started ranting at me again for talking to my parents after 9pm (apparently now we all need to be in bed by 9pm, something she has not insisted upon before). She got really angry and my son got upset. He started lashing out and hit her and his little brother, so she threw her cell phone at him. Luckily it didn't hit him.

Last night she went on another rant at me (fortunately not in front of the kids this time). I brought up the fact that she had thrown the phone at him and she flat out denied it, even though I saw her do it right in front of me.

[ForeverDad]

Have you heard of "moving goalposts"?  Many references online.  (If you accuse someone of moving the goalposts, you mean that they have changed the rules in a situation or an activity, in order to gain an advantage for themselves and to make things difficult for other people.  Elsewhere:  Moving the goalposts is an informal logical fallacy in which previously agreed upon standards for deciding an argument are arbitrarily changed once they have been met. This is usually done by the "losing" side of an argument in a desperate bid to save face. If the goalposts are moved far enough, then the standards can eventually evolve[1] into something that cannot be met no matter what.)

That's what your spouse did by unilaterally declaring a 9 PM curfew, perhaps doing so to find something new about which to complain and thus stay in control of the conversation.

Sometimes we think of the perfect zinger/answer much later.  Don't fret, in time you'll get better, even while your spouse also finds other ways to keep you off guard.

Here's what I was told some 15 years ago in the months before I separated an later divorced:

...However, since he is directing the abuse at one or more of the children, that may make it 'actionable', at least to some extent.  It surely ought to mean something when the agencies, evaluators and court decide how to apportion parenting time.  If it's bad enough you might even be able to ask for supervised visitation...  Meanwhile, start documenting his abuse.  A record of specific incidents is invaluable, you don't want the case to become unsupported "he-said, she-said" that might be largely ignored as hearsay or discounted as bickering.  (I quietly recorded my ex's rants and rages, it saved my skin more than once with police, CPS and in court.)

I recall when I called CPS - twice - in the months before my separation and divorce that both staff members asked me, "Is she directing her screaming at you or at the child?"  I had to admit that I was the primary 'target'.  I was told, "In that case, call back if she starts screaming at your child."  Apparently children being exposed to verbal abuse was not actionable in my area, but being the target of verbal or other abuse might be.