How enforceable is a settlement?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So we have a settlement signed and I am supposed to get out of the house on April 30, but I may not have the money from the QDRO (a 401K) until after decree is signed and then it takes 30 days minimum to get the money transferred. Could be 60 days or 90 days and then I am way past the April 30th.
I was just about to sign the decree, and I changed the settlement just slightly, inserting/adding a term saying that I get 30 days after I get the money or the move out date, whichever is first. He is refusing to push past the date of April 30 in writing, but, assures me he won't evict me.  He has said this verbally but won't change decree/settlement and says he's standing strong on this.
Any thoughts what do I need to do? Not do? Not sign the decree? Hold out until I get the terms agreed to, or do the dates not really matter? What's been your experience?

[12years]

So we have a settlement signed and I am supposed to get out of the house on April 30, but I may not have the money from the QDRO (a 401K) until after decree is signed and then it takes 30 days minimum to get the money transferred. Could be 60 days or 90 days and then I am way past the April 30th.
I was just about to sign the decree, and I changed the settlement just slightly, inserting/adding a term saying that I get 30 days after I get the money or the move out date, whichever is first. He is refusing to push past the date of April 30 in writing, but, assures me he won't evict me.  He has said this verbally but won't change decree/settlement and says he's standing strong on this.
Any thoughts what do I need to do? Not do? Not sign the decree? Hold out until I get the terms agreed to, or do the dates not really matter? What's been your experience?

[mart555]

He is refusing to push past the date of April 30 in writing, but, assures me he won't evict me.  He has said this verbally but won't change decree/settlement and says he's standing strong on this.

Words fly away, writings remain...

[Turkish]

Are you going to liquidate those funds given tax implications, how does it matter in the short term? I'm assuming that you're younger than 72 and not under duress of RMDs...

[12years]

Right. That's what I thought, get it in writing.

But, has any one changed or altered the settlement as it goes into the decree? I feel like I understand it that it's the decree that's final and the settlement is worked into the decree, and additional things can, and have been added into the decree. I may have not mentioned this, but, I have seen the decree with the settlement added in, and, when I went over the dates, that date was not going to be met, so I thought adding in a term that says after I get the money in 30 days I will vacate.
My lawyer seemed to think this was a good idea and put it in there.

I will be liquidating the money to buy a house. Is there something else I should be putting in there?

[livednlearned]

The more leverage you can add to things, the better. Documentation is gold.

If the agreement is that you will move out within 30 days of receiving your money, and that is more likely to motivate your ex to get things done, then definitely get it in writing. If he doesn't comply, then you have a leg to stand on legally.

In the past, what has your ex been like when it comes to following through on things like this?

[ForeverDad]

Murphy's Law applies here.  Don't trust ex's assurances.  Sorry, but you know better now.

Rather than it state xx days from filing the settlement, it must state a time frame dependent upon how long each step actually takes.  And who knows how long it will actually take?

I recall one member who long ago stated the ex could get the property and signed it away.  But the ex never filed the quit claim deed and so he was still listed as part owner years later.  Another signed away ownership but the ex never refinanced and so he was at risk of ex defaulting on the mortgage for years and sticking him with it.

I'm not sure what risks you would be exposed to if it didn't go as promised but best not to allow such risks.

[MeandThee29]

Be very careful. You want everything recorded. My ex considers himself to be fair and kind, but the lawyers and other professionals who handled the case knew differently and told me so.

I had a bit of a mix-up on one issue because of the holidays and a lawyer error (the only problem I ever had with him, FWIW), and I think my ex would have sent me to jail if he could have. Zero mercy.

[worriedStepmom]

It might not be worth the fight, if you can think of other options.

I know I wasn't able to even have the QDRO submitted until after the decree was signed.  It didn't take very long for the money to show up, though - I don't think it took 30 days for mine.

Do you already have a contract on a house?  It might take longer than 30 days to find one and get everything ready.

I also planned to buy a house when I divorced, and as soon as the judge signed the settlement - meaning we were officially divorced - I put an offer on a house.  Getting the final decree put together and submitted took a LONG time (ex was dragging his feet on signing it because he was mad at me).  I ended up renting the house I wanted to buy for a month until the paperwork was in order for me to purchase it.  That may be an option for you.

Part of me regrets that I bought a house so soon.  I wish I had rented for a year and then purchased something.  (I met my second husband a few months after the divorce was final.  We got married and moved to a different area within 2 years of me purchasing that home.)

[12years]

Thank you, everyone. As always, great advice. I don't know what I would do without ya'll! I will let you know how it turns out...

[12years]

Worried Step Mom, thanks for your advice as always. It seems like the "law", the Marshall won't be able to kick me out as they will know it's in the middle of a divorce settlement. So, that seems good. I don't have a contract on a house, so that's good too.

BUT, I just don't want to be harassed every day it's past the due date. And he's still into harassment, he really pesters me every day when the settlement or the decree is in my court via text. He's relentless. So, trying to avoid this, I think I am just going to put my foot down. He wants the divorce, so, he will sign if I get him to put in some language that says I can move out in 30 days AFTER receiving the money. Then I have it in my account and it's my fault I don't get my stuff together...a closing should take place in about that time. I have already started packing! I am not getting kicked out of the house. I don't have a full time job yet and only just really a few hours of work I do for someone now to keep up my resume...so, it's not like I can just go rent something... and he knows it.

[ForeverDad]

Another risk is that an agreement may get signed but the court needs to record it, officially put a 'file date' on it.  Sometimes the judge will ask each spouse if they still agree about it and then the ex says No.  And then the signed but not yet filed agreement is out the window.

This may not happen of course but probably your lawyer could advise that this is or is not a risk in your state.

[12years]

Thanks, Forever Dad. I think it's filed. It's just a small logical thing I am asking, but, I know, it would be something that would mean something to me, he would rip it apart and take it away, and not see the logic.

It's unbelievable all these things we have to keep track of to protect ourselves...against the BPD and NPD. Besides become lawyers ourselves.

[MeandThee29]

Besides become lawyers ourselves.

I naively thought after my end-of-year divorce that it would all be wrapped up within a few months. But the drama, and then my lawyer's paralegal just emailed a timeline on the order we just finished. It goes to the judge, then it waits to see if there is an appeal (oh please, no), and then it's sent to the employer. And then it takes 5-6 months before I see the money...

There is another order (not even started yet) and another matter. Supposedly simple, but I doubt it.

I'm guessing it will take most of 2020 to completely settle out. My lawyer just said "it takes awhile," but the paralegal agreed with my estimate.

[scraps66]

No way.  Get it in writing.  He may be running out of things to hold you hostage with and this is his last "rush."

A story is appropriate.  Another story.  My exuBPDNPDw had me booted form the hosue.  I lived elsewhere while paying the mortgage where she and eventually her next parasitic boyfriend would live.  At the same time she was dragging her feet through the settlement process.  What the heck, he's paying the mortgage while I live here - what could be better.  This went on.  She never produced any records for the settlement process - 19 months.  However, in the interim, out of the blue, she says, "I'm moving out."  What I would later learn was that she had an inheritance that  showed up during the proceedings.  So she didn't want to produce those records and have them influence the settlement. 

So, though she hadn't gone through the settlement, she had money to buy a house, which she did.  But I still had to finish the settlement.  She moved out and I moved back in, in May.  At the same time interest rates were very low and I wanted to refi.  The last thing she needed to give me was her name off the Deed to the house.  This was the last thing I needed so I could refinance.  We went to trial to settle!  She wouldn't budge and she was already in her new house.  This was February of the following year.  This was the LAST thing she had to hang over my head and it took both of us spending legal fees.  She was also being made much more financially fit with this settlement compared to when we met.  But it was more important to feed her abusive traits to hold out, even meaning she was spending money to settle.

Get it in writing.   

[12years]

Wow! Scrapps66. That's a good story, and it makes a good point related to my situation and them having the one thing to hold over you! Thank you!

I am still holding out to get it in writing.

Looks like he may be doing a little of whether it will stand up in court for me. He said his lawyer is filing a motion to find out if the settlement will stand and the decree can't change what it says related to the move out date. So we will see.

It would seem though that logically I am right, my lawyer is right and my financial person, so it would seem the judge would think the same way. That "I will vacate 30 days after receiving the money from the QDRO (401K)." Seems logical to me and seems like it's a standard way to handle a pending move date... Well, we will see.

[scraps66]

...as in, I can only move out after the QDRO is done.  Making it conditional on the QDRO.

[GaGrl]

So much can goon and on with the houses, etc.

My husband's ex (uBPD/NPD) took almost three years to take the Quit Claim to the courthouse. H got the property tax notice each year. He finally got her boyfriend to take her to the courthouse and walk her through it.

[12years]

My lawyer seems to be saying that the settlement is irrevocable. It's only got a date in there, not with the "vacating 30 days after receipt of funds..." So I don't know what to do! Boy, this time he's really got a "hold" on me? Just what we didn't want! The biggest one ever where I can't do anything without the money!

I didn't and can't get away without this final harassment! I of course, know it's not the last thing! I am so distraught at this point I am not sure what to do.

[MeandThee29]

My lawyer seems to be saying that the settlement is irrevocable. It's only got a date in there, not with the "vacating 30 days after receipt of funds..." So I don't know what to do! Boy, this time he's really got a "hold" on me? Just what we didn't want! The biggest one ever where I can't do anything without the money!

I didn't and can't get away without this final harassment! I of course, know it's not the last thing! I am so distraught at this point I am not sure what to do.

I'm sorry to hear that. It's hard to have a forward plan, and then get that shattered.

My close-out isn't going well, and I am so ready to just move on. Everything is disordered as ever.

Yesterday I talked with my lawyer's paralegal about what might be a reasonable timeline to get this all closed out, and she said, "Hopefully in 2020." Oh my, my heart skipped a beat. I didn't realize that in my area, each order also gets a 30-day appeal waiting period after the judge signs before it goes to the institution. So I asked how long the most recent one might take for payment once it hits the institution. And she said the last one she did took five months once they received it. Mine is waiting for the judge, so probably six months for that one.

So I took a deep breath. I just refreshed my retainer with them, and it probably won't be the last time. Nothing is simple.

[livednlearned]

It's only got a date in there, not with the "vacating 30 days after receipt of funds..."

I would ask what happens if you do not vacate by that date.

We tend to be much more conscientious about following an order to the T.

If your ex attempts to evict you on that date, and you are not financially prepared to move out, what happens (emotionally, psychologically), and what happens legally.

There tends to be a lot of room for messy human behaviors within these orders and whatnot. 

[MeandThee29]

There tends to be a lot of room for messy human behaviors within these orders and whatnot.  

Boy that brought a big laugh here!

When all of the legal professionals on both sides lined up with me recently, it was yet more validation. Thankfully I got a bit of justice in the end, but such lunacy to get there.

[12years]

Thanks, guys! I think if I am not out, if I am making an effort to work towards that goal, then I should be fine, said the lawyer, but, let this be a lesson, make sure you don't put in a date, you put in "Petitioner will vacate 30 days after receiving the funds from the QDRO (or settlement)", let this be a lesson to all!

I just cannot have him circling outside like a coyote waiting for me to vacate! But, we will see what happens...I will not be harassed!

[livednlearned]

It sounds like you have a good sense of what will happen. It can be helpful to run through worse-case scenarios so when it happens you feel prepared.

I had a surprising amount of sloppy language in my orders even with a good lawyer and had to pay for my mistakes over the years.

My screen name should be Lived$$n$$Learned 

[ForeverDad]

Your lawyer should be able to reduce your stress by saying that if the funds aren't available in time for that expected date and ex tries to force an eviction or penalty then lawyer should file for a hold or extension - now that you know how it must be phrased - until XX days after the funds from the QDRO have been made available to you.

I doubt any judge would enforce the exact terms of the settlement since there are so many valid reasons the process could have taken longer than expected.  We are too conscientious, we think the terms are strict and never can be adjusted to reality.  The disordered ex is too entitled, thinks the terms don't apply and are always in ex's control.

[MeandThee29]

I doubt any judge would enforce the exact terms of the settlement since there are so many valid reasons the process could have taken longer than expected.  We are too conscientious, we think the terms are strict and never can be adjusted to reality.  The disordered ex is too entitled, thinks the terms don't apply and are always in ex's control.

My ex alternates between thinking the terms don't apply and pushing hard without knowing the circumstances and taking the terms to the n-th degree. So confusing and frustrating.

I know that ranting to your lawyer isn't a good idea, but there was a moment where I scheduled a phone appointment primarily to do that because I was so confused and frustrated. He listened to my rant, and then told me to take a walk after getting off the phone and to do what was reasonable to get close-out done so I can move on. He said to keep it all business-like with no behind-the-scenes comments or ranting to my ex.

I don't know why I thought close-out would be any different than the rest.

[livednlearned]

On the upside, you do have some leverage -- if he tries to stonewall or obstruct the QDRO in any way, you can connect that back to your move-out day.

If he wants something, he will be more or less motivated to make it happen.

[12years]

Thank you everyone! Just for anyone reading this, don't put in dates in a settlement, put in actions, "30 days after receiving funds, you will vacate the premises" or something like this! All parties now understand it may take longer than the date. He can't evict me and a judge won't grant him an eviction notice. But, I was terrified he would kick me out. Now, he could just come back in...ha! No, I don't think he would come back. But, he could by law come back in, NO WAY would I stay here if he slept in this house again!
So, besides that small worry, I think we are set--for now!

I do imagine the worst case scenario, which makes me get quite upset and keeps me up at night, but, it seems like it tends to works out better in reality. But, back when he was here I couldn't think straight when we'd argue and it would spin out of control. Now I have time to think and "get back" to him! Thank goodness!

Again, thank you all, this has been a trying few weeks.

[Waddams]

My sister encountered the timing issue in her divorce. Her XH was supposed to cash out so much money from his retirement accounts (401k, etc.) and provide to her within X days. All got signed, entered, etc.

Between XH being slow to file all his paperwork to get the cash out done, and then the time required for it all to come through, the actual check showed up to my sister well after the X days. The impact was she couldn't keep up with mortgage payments, and he'd already flaked out on temp settlement orders to keep paying it for a while. She ended up getting foreclosed.

Her L didn't do her any service by not anticipating the delay, and never filed any kind of enforcement for the temp order violation of not paying the house mortgage. XH likely didn't have the money anyway, I think he got hired and fired 3 or 4 times during the divorce process, so even an order for enforcement likely wouldn't have changed the result - the guy had no money to take or garnish.

All that said, get the settlement revision in writing, or be prepared to go couch surf with a friend or family for free for a while.

On a side note - have you thought about seeking an alternative temp residence once the divorce is signed, revision or not? I have to think that once it's signed and entered, couch surfing somewhere and putting stuff in storage for a while until you get your new place would be more comfortable than staying under the same roof as him?