Can I play the part for 20 years?

[MayorMcCheesey]

There are some days where I'm pretty confident I'm going to separate or ask for a divorce from my uBPDw, but only once our son is of a college undergrad age.  I just wonder if I'm going to be able to tolerate her crap, lies, mistreatment, etc. for that long(20ish years/he is 3).   I'm usually a very optimistic person with a lot of hope and try to see the silver linings in things.  But as of late I'm in the fog and can't see a damn thing. 

I was told a few years ago when we were expecting that I didn't have to stay with her to be a good father, and I do believe this... I know I'm an amazing Dad and I love my son, love spending time with him, love teaching him, playing, taking care of him, etc etc. and its funny a lot of other people seem to notice too and have praised me.   But I feel conflicted that if I was to leave his mother it would make me a bad dad in a way... reason being is he would  end up stuck with her and then would become the target of her abuse and mistreatment as he got older and I cannot simply let that happen to him.  I know some on here might say, well what if he lives with you and not her... but cmon lets be serious, I don't stand a chance as a Dad in a custody hearing(already Neg points for being a male),  and then going against a person with uBPD... the accusations lies and dishonesty to ruin my character as a Dad would all be presented... I could totally be civil I just KNOW the other side will play dirty as possible.

It seems I'm stuck no matter what with this jeckle and hyde vampire and my son is going to need me fully present as he gets older.  Writing this makes me realize that he's one of the only reasons I get up each day and to push on.  If it wasn't for him I would be back into depression which I'm flirting on the line with most days but like I said he's my main motivation.  I have no hobbies, I rarely see friends(when I do shes included),  I can't spend money without being questioned/interrogated/scorned, she picks the tv shows, picks the music, the dinner menu for the week,  some days I'm not sure who I am anymore,  I feel like I have no real self identity.  It's a sad lonely life and people outside looking in think its all perfect, she'll say I'm perfect and hype me up to friends and family, and says she loves me and I'm so good and such a good dad in front of others, but once the door closes, I'm a loser, scum bag, etc.
 
Well at least I FINALLY booked a therapy appointment for the beginning of March, am slightly looking forward to it but am not confident it will help, or that I won't be able to go to a 2nd session since she'll complain and say we can't afford the $50 specialist copay each session...  oh and I'm also looking forward to March because she's going away for 10 days to visit her "platonic male friend" in the UK... and that's a whole other story I won't get into today(I have proof she cheats)... but part of me wishes she stays with him and decides to never return

Sorry for the random rant at the end just curious if anyone else feels like they are just waiting for their relationship to end

Much Love
The Mayor

[cleotokos]

The idea that women are more likely to get custody is a myth. In reality, men who seek custody (of whom many don't bother because, see myth above) are more likely to gain custody than the mother.

It's worth speaking to a lawyer to see where you stand?

[Cat Familiar]

We have many members of who’ve divorced their BPD wives, and now have healthy relationships. It’s not easy, but it’s doable.

It’s debatable whether children growing up in homes with constant conflict have better outcomes than children of divorce.

And think about what you are exemplifying for your son, continuing to be married to a woman who treats you poorly—this normalizes a very regrettable pattern for him.

[Dry Bones]

Hey there, Mayor. I just wanted to chime in and lend my support. I'm in a somewhat similar situation from the sound of it. uBPD partner. We've been together for 9 years now and have two daughters, the younger of which is almost 2y. At this point it's clear that things aren't working, but due to our financial circumstances, we're basically stuck together at the moment. She constantly tells me that she wants to leave me and even that she hopes I drop dead of a heart attack.

At the moment, my plan is to try and hang in there for 3 or 4 more years so that I can get on my feet financially and also have a little more time with our 2 Ds, especially the little one since I am in many ways her primary caretaker. Still...on many days I don't know how I can possibly manage to last even that long. I can't imagine 20! I'm already practically a shell of my former self and am not allowed to show any of my personality around the house without being ridiculed.

These choices are just so tough and I hope you have some people in your life that have your back. Just remember that with BPD, change can come at unexpected times, and our best laid plans can quickly get tossed out the window. I also remember reading in Stop Walking on Eggshells, that one of our choices is to basically make the decision at a later time. Circumstances will progress and it's ok to be conflicted. That's why we post on this board, right?

How've you been doing over the last few days?

[Lucky Jim]

It's a sad lonely life and people outside looking in think its all perfect, she'll say I'm perfect and hype me up to friends and family, and says she loves me and I'm so good and such a good dad in front of others, but once the door closes, I'm a loser, scum bag, etc.

Hey MayorMc, My BPDxW has a gregarious personality and, coincidentally, was known as the unofficial "mayor" of our small town.   Little did people know what the mayor was really like behind closed doors.

It sounds like you are leading an inauthentic life, which is tough to sustain over the long haul.  Is it fair to say that yours is a "life of quiet desperation," as Thoreau put it?

What would you like to see happen?  What is the best path for you?  What are your gut feelings about your marriage?  These are tough questions, I know.

LuckyJim

[Fian]

You seem to see your choices as stay in marriage with lousy status quo or divorce.  Why not change the dynamics of the marriage?

" I have no hobbies, I rarely see friends(when I do shes included),  I can't spend money without being questioned/interrogated/scorned, she picks the tv shows, picks the music, the dinner menu for the week"

Why not get some hobbies, see friends without her, and make spending choices without her approval?  You pick the TV, music and dinner.  She can complain and rant all she wants.

*While making some changes would be good, going hyper selfish isn't going to make your life better, either.  Pick a few things that will improve you life.  Time away from her would probably be the best option.

P.S.  It is ok for you to tell her that you are not fine with her seeing her platonic male friend.  If she wants to spend time with him, insist that you are present.

[formflier]

What Fian said...

Can you step back and see that you have handed her the "reins" of your life? 

If you are not happy with where your life is going, take them back.

Best,

FF