How did your ex handle stress?

[Trynadeal]

Hi all,

I wanted to start some discussions if you will, over the next month or so. I'm looking to gain insights and hear from others experiences, as well as having the discussions easily accessible for the poor souls who will endure what we have in the future, when needed. I also am hoping through discussion and learning, I will be able to put this behind me as we learn from each other. I have done extensive research on BPD/NPD/HPD, sociopathy, etc. Have spoken with friends whom are therapists, and visited some professionals for extended periods of my own.

So, without further delay - todays question is, how did your ex handle stressful situations? More importantly, did a stressful situation trigger/contribute to the discard?

[jinglebells1989]

Not well. Any type of stress or criticism directed towards her or experienced by her were simply ignored or met with rage. She literally could not tolerate it. Sometimes she would just leave.

It really is difficult to try and wrap your mind around how intensely BPDs feel emotions. They simply cannot deal with them. Her escape was usually drugs (pot that I knew of, but I secretly suspect she was a cocaine addict, too).

It's similar to a child pulling the blanket up over their heads so that they don't see the monsters.

[jinglebells1989]

To answer your second question, yes. She was stressed out because, I mean as far as I could tell, she wasn't able to manipulate/control me. BPDs, as far as I understand them, view love as being controlled and dominated by someone or doing those very things to someone else. That's what they associate with love. Very sad.

But anyways, we were right around the 3 month mark and she got very upset with me that a friend of mine and I went to the flea market here in Pasadena. Her and I had talked about going together sometime. Anyways, my friend and I had actually decided to go play basketball that morning, but on the way to the court and about a half a joint later , we decided to go to the flea market instead.

Here's where it gets...weird. She texts me while we're at the flea market saying she went out jogging and was proud of herself for shaving a minute or so off her mile. I texted her something along the lines of "that's great hun. We're on our way back", to which she replied something along the lines of "Ok sounds good. Let me know if you guys need a ride". That line didn't make much sense but I brushed it off.

I get home later and she's not there. About 5 minutes later she comes in the door and I can tell she's in a mood. Also, she was not in her jogging clothes...so did she come back and change and go somehwhere..did she follow us? (most likely). She quietly sits down on the coach and asks "how was basketball". It's like she knew that we didn't go. I told her we had decided to go to the flew market and then she blew up. "I can't believe you didn't take me with you". She packed her things up and even took a painting that she had made for me the previous night and threw it in the dumpster outside my place. After doing so she turned around and gave me this evil smile. She then went into a full blown psych episode. I was legitimately nervous about letting her drive because I didn't think in her state she could handle it. She then said "We're too different and we need to break up. This won't work." I obliged. I told her from day on that I was never going to force her, or any other woman for that matter, to be in a relationship with me. It had to be her choice. But off she went. It was a manipulative tactic. That's the only type of thing she associated with love. If she couldn't control me, it would stress her out. badly.

This was followed, as you already know, by a YEAR of stalking,harassment, getting my car vandalized, etc.

[Trynadeal]

To answer your second question, yes. She was stressed out because, I mean as far as I could tell, she wasn't able to manipulate/control me. BPDs, as far as I understand them, view love as being controlled and dominated by someone or doing those very things to someone else. That's what they associate with love. Very sad.

But anyways, we were right around the 3 month mark and she got very upset with me that a friend of mine and I went to the flea market here in Pasadena. Her and I had talked about going together sometime. Anyways, my friend and I had actually decided to go play basketball that morning, but on the way to the court and about a half a joint later , we decided to go to the flea market instead.

Here's where it gets...weird. She texts me while we're at the flea market saying she went out jogging and was proud of herself for shaving a minute or so off her mile. I texted her something along the lines of "that's great hun. We're on our way back", to which she replied something along the lines of "Ok sounds good. Let me know if you guys need a ride". That line didn't make much sense but I brushed it off.

I get home later and she's not there. About 5 minutes later she comes in the door and I can tell she's in a mood. Also, she was not in her jogging clothes...so did she come back and change and go somehwhere..did she follow us? (most likely). She quietly sits down on the coach and asks "how was basketball". It's like she knew that we didn't go. I told her we had decided to go to the flew market and then she blew up. "I can't believe you didn't take me with you". She packed her things up and even took a painting that she had made for me the previous night and threw it in the dumpster outside my place. After doing so she turned around and gave me this evil smile. She then went into a full blown psych episode. I was legitimately nervous about letting her drive because I didn't think in her state she could handle it. She then said "We're too different and we need to break up. This won't work." I obliged. I told her from day on that I was never going to force her, or any other woman for that matter, to be in a relationship with me. It had to be her choice. But off she went. It was a manipulative tactic. That's the only type of thing she associated with love. If she couldn't control me, it would stress her out. badly.

This was followed, as you already know, by a YEAR of stalking,harassment, getting my car vandalized, etc.

I heard that same line pretty much verbatim, and I responded the same as you initially. And then, she poured it on about how horrible of a person I was, and didn't give her attention (while dealing with my dying mother) basically, . My whole life was giving her attention. Sending her flowers to show her I appreciated her and what she did for my family, etc. Thinking back, she didn't do much at all around that time. I couldn't even talk to her about my feelings because they would stress her out. It was like, if we didn't talk about it, it wasn't real, in her mind anyways. She couldn't understand why I was emotional and vulnerable because my mother was dying. I said I'd go to a therapist so I wouldn't have to stress her out, and that was met with 'well you don't get insurance right away you know.'

I still can't believe how much of a fool I was. I was played, plain and simple. And when I was completely used up (financially, emotionally, mentally), she just got rid of me. It's sad how damaging their tactics can be. I'm not sure if pwBPD mean to be damaging at the time, it may just be their feelings in the moment. But, what they say can truly be scarring to the person on the receiving end.

From my experiences, and most of what I've read, it basically all states that stress is their achilles heel.

It's funny you mention pot. My ex near the end started smoking too, and going out drinking more than usual. And same... Super hypersensitive, as if everything I said was meant to be malicious. Any perceived slight by her was met with rage, criticism, and projection.

[Rev]

Hi all,

I wanted to start some discussions if you will, over the next month or so. I'm looking to gain insights and hear from others experiences, as well as having the discussions easily accessible for the poor souls who will endure what we have in the future, when needed. I also am hoping through discussion and learning, I will be able to put this behind me as we learn from each other. I have done extensive research on BPD/NPD/HPD, sociopathy, etc. Have spoken with friends whom are therapists, and visited some professionals for extended periods of my own.

So, without further delay - todays question is, how did your ex handle stressful situations? More importantly, did a stressful situation trigger/contribute to the discard?

In a word - she didn't - like ever - handle even the smallest of stressful situations.

She had myriad of responses to it - and my guess is that she intuitively knew how to mix it up to "hide in plain sight" as the saying goes.  Anything would stress her out - and here were her responses -

- disassociation - especially losing total track of time or truly not remembering what she said.

- excessive sleep - some days she would go to bed a 8 pm and sleep 12 hours straight and still be tired.

- rage - lots and lots of rage - which would include gaslighting, hitting, breaking things, threats, demeaning talk, silent treatment.

- Panic and catastrophizing.

- Obsessive thinking

- "rock star" sex

- impulsive behavior - constantly changing her mind - never following through on commitments - causing conflict as an excuse to run from her troubles

- really bad spending habits on vacations - like really bad that would double the cost of pretty much every trip we took.

- future faking - really good at making false promises to relieve the stress of the moment.

That's pretty much the list as I recall... cool question.

Rev