Boyfriend with BPD randomly flipped and ended our relationship

[Blue. S]

Hi guys,

I'm new to this forum. I'm really just looking to talk with people who have gone through similar experiences as I'm having a really tough time coping with what has happened and it's has a very negative effect on my mental health (I already suffer from depression). I am bisexual by the way and this was a gay relationship.

I met my ex, who I will call J, around May of 2019. J has diagnosed BPD but I never really saw any signs during our relationship nor did I ever really understand what the condition is or its severity. Long story short we really connected but we were both at turning points in our life; I was just about to finish my degree and move to a different city (not too far away) and he was just in-between jobs and also about to move to a different (not too far away) city. Because of this, things got off to a slow start but we both liked each other enough to give it a go despite that. For the first month or two we mostly texted then we moved onto phone calls and we got to see each other only once a month (for about half a day usually). However, I never as much as met up with another person in that way since first meeting him. Come August, I asked him to be my boyfriend and he said yes.

Come September time, circumstances surrounding both of our respective jobs resulted in us both moving back to our home town. It was from that point onwards that our relationship really became something special. We started to see each other weekly and we were getting to spend time with each other the way that normal couples do; something we had never had the luxury of being able to do before.

Honestly, the relationship was everything I had ever hoped for and I didn't go a day without thinking how lucky I was to have found someone who I connect with on such a deep level. There were no problems, we both endured our fair share of trials and tribulations (believe me) whilst together and we supported each other through it and our relationship only ever grew stronger as a result. We fell in love with each other and it was very much mutual. I have been in relationships before but I have never felt love like this for another person before. We regularly talked about our plans for later this year of living together and I was so genuinely excited. I had never been happier in my life - it was everything I wanted and more. We enjoyed each other's company and connected on such a deep level.

Only about 3 weeks after we finally declared our love for each other (we had been holding back in case the other didn't say it back), an incident occured whereby J, when using my laptop whilst I showered, had gone through my old Facebook messages and found a message I had sent in June 2019 (7 months ago at this point) to somebody that I slept with one time (many months before we even met) and J knew about it because I'm a very open book and never kept secrets from him. I didn't know what had happened until I realised he had left my house and I can't even tell you the dread and panic that it filled me with - I genuinely had no idea what was going on or why he was gone. Anyway, once he accused me on the phone of sleeping with this person (whilst in a relationship), I couldn't believe what I was hearing and wondered what could possibly have given him this impression. He then angrily brought up the message which I looked at and had (and still have) no recollection whatsoever of sending. Probably because it meant so little to me.

The message was a very short (and I mean short) flirtatious exchange of messages from before myself and J were even in a relationship (yes we were seeing each other and neither of us were seeing other people but we were not together). Anyway, once this had happened, I saw a different side to J - a cold, unforgiving and angry side. It was honestly like I was dealing with a different person. He ended it with me and I relented all day to prove my love to him and how I am not the sort of person who would ever be unfaithful (I'm really not - I'm a hopeless romantic and the thought of ever betraying someone's trust in that way makes me feel sick). Fortunately, by the end of the day we had resolved it. We both cried, we both calmed down and he even said that he overreacted- an entirely different reaction from earlier in the day. We went for a conciliatory meal that night and promised that we would leave it in the past and move on. I should also say that J has been cheated on in a past relationship so his initial reaction I do not disagree with.

Anyway, things carried on exactly as they were, if not stronger given that we had both overcome a significant hurdle in our relationship. We were back to being happy again, and in love. This was not one-sided. We both told each other constantly. I received messages telling me that he loved me so much and that I am perfect (obviously I don't agree with that at all but this is what he said). Then randomly one day, about 2 or 3 weeks after, he sends me a bunch of snapchat messages after work and, out of absolutely nowhere, FLIPPED out at me over the very thing that had apparently been resolved on that day 3 weeks ago. It blindsided me - I genuinely thought this was done with. That is what we had both said to each other. This time, he was coming up with all sorts of accusations of things I had apparently done, people I had apparently slept with; all on the basis of that one message from 7 months earlier. Within minutes and before I had even had a chance to process the barrage of messages I had just received, I noticed that I was blocked and deleted on near enough every form of social media that kept us connected. He said that he "had tried to get past it but couldn't" and that we were at an end.

This was about 3 weeks ago now. It has brought my entire world crashing down around me and sent me spiralling into a bad depression. My initial reaction was just complete shock and disbelief. We had properly made up before and not one perceivable thing changed between us. We have spoken plenty since then - this has consisted predominantly of me declaring my love for him and trying everything in my power to reason with him, knowing full well that I never once betrayed his trust when we were together, let alone even met another person romantically since meeting J for the very first time. Accusations have come at me like one of those tennis ball machines and I've been there trying to bat them all away with my racket.

The thought of not ever being with him again is not something I can comprehend. My heart is absolutely broken. I love every single thing about him. Whenever I was not with him, I was already thinking about when we would next be together. We had planned an entire future together and the thought of that not happening makes me want to curl up and just disappear. I wish I could show him that I wasn't unfaithful to him - I have even offered to take a polygraph test which he just said was ridiculous. Maybe so, but I really am willing to do anything to prove it to him.

But anyway, as soon as I received those snapchat messages off him, completely unprovoked, he changed towards me entirely. It was like I had gone from being one of the most important people in his life to someone who was evil. My entire world had come crashing down around me and I feel completely devoid of all happiness and nothing else brings me enjoyment now - even hanging out with friends which I finally managed last weekend. We talk on and off. Sometimes he has initiated and sometimes I have initiated. We went through a period where it seemed like we were going to get back together (not said expressly but obviously where it was headed) and then suddenly he stopped talking to me entirely for two days and then said again that he didn't want us to continue. In the messages he gone to speaking with me in the way that he used to before and then suddenly he just changed like the flip of a switch.

It is completely dominating my life. I think about it every day (when I'm not concentrating my mind on things at work) and I dream about guaranteed every night. When I wake up in the morning I hope that it was just a dream and then I remember that it isn't.

J talked about his BPD sometimes but not much - I could tell it was a sensitive subject. I never wanted to pry and I figured that he would tell me more when he was ready. I know that he has faced traumatic experiences and difficult times in both his childhood and in his family life now. I just don't understand how I can go from being almost worshipped to being apparently hated (some days he just seems nonplussed). I never know where I stand and I hope every single day that one day he will realise that this was a mistake.

Does this sound it has something to do with his BPD? Because he seemed to totally flip out and lose it. The things he was accusing me of with no evidence was characteristic of someone who has sat and concocted an entire narrative of what he believes happened. It's nigh on impossible to defend yourself when you're having these things thrown at you by somebody who genuinely believes them.

What do I do? I'm at a total loss. I love him so much. I would do absolutely anything for him and I would stick by him through anything. I blame myself all the time for sending that message but when I have spoken to others they have told me that his reaction was disproportionate given that we weren't together at that point. He has made me feel like I'm a bad person. How do I deal with somebody who thinks in this way? Any help whatsoever would be so greatly appreciated.

Sorry I realise that is a lot. If you have read all of that then I am ever so grateful.

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[bigbear007]

Sounds very much like BPD - a few things to remember about a person with BPD are, the overwhelming fear of abandonment which can cause a person to 'split' on you, in this case it will be, even though irrational, that those messages have sparked insecurity in him and he will think you are going to see this person again, possibly already are or will do in the future. It stems from not feeling secure in yourself and not feeling good enough for other people. For example - I have a relatively good job so I always go overboard at the start of any relationship buying people things and spoiling them as I don't feel that I am enough - I have BPD.

The other thing to be aware of is people with it will manipulate people to get what they want, in their eyes you exist only to satisfy their needs and wants and that should come before anything else, even yourself. Which is obviously not healthy nor normal at all. If they feel like their needs are not your priority or are not being met no matter how unrealistic they are (they will not seem unrealistic to the person with BPD) then they can or will split on you.

Splitting if you aren't aware is where you can go from being held in really high esteem by the BPD person to within seconds being seen as less than a piece of trash on the floor. It can literally be that extreme.

My advice, if he hasn't or isn't in therapy for this then he needs to be, you should think whether this is what you want for your life, read some of the threads of people who have been married for years and still have issues. I have been married twice and had 3-4 serious relationships prior to that. I am currently still married but in a devaluation phase which I am desperately trying to overcome as I know now that it is not my real emotions making me feel this way.

It is hard for both people in different ways, I would say probably harder for you and people who don't have BPD. Someone who doesn't know they have it is probably worse in a relationship than someone who does as rational thought won't even come into play in that scenario.

It is quite normal to feel like they are the best thing in the world and no one has ever loved you like this before but remember BPD's emotions are extremely high in both directions, we can feel immense emotions for a person (I don't call it love because I myself was never shown any so I don't even know if loving a person is possible for me in a normal sense) but very extreme emotions which can make the other person feel so valued and wanted. But on the other hand we can lose all of those emotions almost instantly as if you never even existed, feel no guilt for feeling like this and basically appear like a totally different person.

If you want to ask anything else from that perspective then feel free, hope that was some help.

[Blue. S]

Hi bigbear007, thank you for taking the time to read what I put and replying - that really means a lot to me.

Thank you for explaining about splitting. J had mentioned about it briefly before but I never really understood fully and I don't think that he realises when he is doing it. It sounds like you have a real awareness of your own condition which is interesting.

It would make perfect sense to be honest as it seems like his opinion about me completely changed. Is it possible that a person with BPD can ever get out of this mindset once in the devaluation phase or is it pretty much irreversible?

[bigbear007]

Don't be fooled, I am good at talking about other people's relationships regarding BPD but when it comes to my own, I struggle just as much as the next person. I just try to think more with my head than my emotions and I found that stops me making stupid spontaneous decisions.

Yeah splitting is hard and I think initially anyone with BPD is not aware they are doing it as it can happen almost instantly and the wave of emotions that follow it are hard to get control of in the first instance, but you can normally tell after a brief period that it is happening. You will probably notice before he does. The best thing to do in this situation when it first occurs is for him to take some time to reflect and calm down, think rationally and logically about what has happened and if his emotional response is reasonable to whatever happened. The answer will almost always be no.

Regarding the devaluation phase, I don't know the answer to that, I am literally in the middle of trying to reverse it with my wife at the moment. I spent the last month or two feeling literally no emotions for anything, not just her, life in general, no enjoyment eating something I normally would, feeling tired etc - sounds like depression possibly. However with that said, I do feel like I am turning a corner with it so I think it is possible to reverse, the person with BPD really has to understand that if they don't fight it and try, this pattern will haunt them their entire life. I have had 4 serious relationships spanning an average of 3-4 years each, and 2 marriages, 1 I am currently still in. There is a pattern which will just repeat over and over again. It is a pattern that stems from unrealistic expectations of a partner, and when you don't feel these needs are being met, you initially act out or cling to them in fear of abandonment, over time this switches from this stage to devaluation where I can only assume my subconcious thinks 'its pointless, its not going to work, they will leave, they aren't giving you what you need' and as such you then devalue the person and your emotions vanish like they never existed.

Now that is not remotely normal, it is not my true emotions making those knee jerk decisions, they are irrational responses which are due to my upbringing. So I refuse to let some rubbish that happened when I was little dictate what I do now as an adult. It is hard, and emotionally draining as f... But until anyone who has BPD decides enough is enough and fights it, whatever their pattern is, will continue. Emotionally they might not have any remorse or empathy for those they have hurt in the past, but logically it is not fair to do this to other people. To confirm, I didn't know I had BPD until after I married my current wife. So past relationships I was uBPD and must have been a complete nightmare to live with.  

[Blue. S]

Yeah I suppose most of us are pretty good at telling other people what would be a good response in a given situation but not always executing it ourselves!

I hope that you manage to overcome the period that you're experiencing right now with your wife. I'll always listen if you want to talk about it.

Update on me: I messaged J today very upset (floods of emotion so you can imagine) and then he ended up saying that it was me that PLEASE READed the relationship by sending that message (even though we were dating and not exclusive). I'm the sort of person who will beat myself up over the smallest thing and to think that I single-handedly ruined the best relationship I ever had is not something I can carry on my shoulders. I had to stick up for myself because it really wasn't fair for him to say that. I've apologised more times than I can count and obviously we initially put it to bed on that day and he should never have dug it back up again anyway. He didn't like me sticking up for myself and flipped and blocked me from the social media that he still had me on (snapchat, instragram).

Any ideas on how I can remain friends with him without this always being brought up? Obviously, having had time to reflect, I don't think that the message I sent all that time ago warrants everything that has happened. I feel like anything I say makes him angry.