stalking followed by rejection

[jinglebells1989]

Hi, Everyone -

I'm in the process of recovering from my second cluster b relationship. I'm at the point where I'm in therapy trying to learn more about myself and why I get involved with women like this. I'm hoping whoever my next girlfriend is will be healthy.

I do have a question though about the last girl. I worked with her at the same company. We only dated for 3 months and I actually was the one who ended things, which I was proud of. I was hoping we could still be friendly at work, but she took it in a completely different direction. She stalked and harassed me for close to a year. She moved to my neighborhood, vandalized my car on 4 occasions and would occasionally show up in places I was at in my neighborhood. As far as what she did at work, she would come to my department and stare at me constantly, flirt with other guys I worked with and rubbed it in my face. It was absolutely brutal.

I went to management about this several times. I was the one who ended up losing my job because I could tell they didn't want a lawsuit and it was easier to get rid of me than it was her. Now, don't feel bad for me. I got another job pretty quickly and am doing fine financially.

After I got fired, I lit her up on Instagram pretty bad. It was cathartic for me because while I worked with her I couldn't do anything or say anything to her or else I'd get in trouble. So after a few messages I sent her, she blocked me. She even changed her Instagram name. She had the same instagram name for years and years. I won't say her real name but her new Instagram name to "Not (name)", i.e. blatantly trying to be annoying and send a message to me. So on the one hand she blocks me but I still feel like she's playing games.

This was after a YEAR of stalking me and doing everything in her power to get my attention and get a reaction out me. I asked my counselor what her end goal was and he said it was to destroy your life to the point where the only option would be for you to contact her and try to get back with her. I have no intention of doing that. The things I said to her on Instagram were mean, but I don't care. It made me feel better.

But I just don't understand how she could stalk me for a whole year and then block me. It's just absolute absurdity. Meanwhile, she still lives in my neighborhood. I have no idea what she wants or if she'll reach out to me again. I don't want her to but I just for the life of me can't understand how her brain works in order for her to do something like this. What do you all think?

[Trynadeal]

Yo Jingle,

I think stalking after these relationships is common, on both sides, and for different reasons of course.

From the normal person perspective, it's to see if you were right. To monitor them, to see if they're actually 'happy' and see if they really 'changed' or if it's a facade, which can be tough to decipher... Because I think the way the BPD portrays themselves as perfectly happy at the end, and going overboard on posting their happiness is to show the world they are. Their (fragile) image is of the utmost importance to them. And must be kept intact at all costs.

However, from the disordered persons perspective, and this is my opinion, I believe its to see if you're able to recover. To see if they truly damaged you beyond recognition or not. It's to see how strong you actually are. Some of it may also be guilt/remorse based. To see if they made the right decision in leaving, as a weird sort of justification in their minds. Or, if they were the ones that were left like in your situation, to see if you're miserable without them, and pour salt on the wound so to say. In essence as a 'your loss' mentality on their part.

In short, you didn't chase. You didn't give her the attention she wanted, or expected. You left her high and dry (good on you!), but in her mind you must be brutalized for this. You must see what you missed out on. How dare you, JG, you jerk, you! It was a fling, she got attached, you didn't. In her mind you're wrong for not.

I had an ex, not disordered, who moved to my neighborhood a few months after we ended, even that was rough seeing her with other guys. But, even she still hit me up, asked me for favors, both sexual and not. So, I can see how a disordered person would be 1000x worse, especially given the vandalism.

They're children in adult bodies. Beautiful mature creatures on the outside, but scared children (my bpd spoke in a baby voice, and often), on the inside. Feelings are facts... Plain and simple - in her mind hers are right, and yours are wrong for not agreeing with her.

I get why you did it, but your response just proved to her that she can still get to you. Also side note - a company that drops you that easily, isn't a company you wanna work for either, so on to bigger and better in that regard, plus you don't have to see her there anymore, so it'll help her detach from you and become less obsessive. That said, being that you still live close together, I mean, unfortunately you probably will hear from her again. Just take precautions. Maybe add a dash cam on your car or something, for proof if she decides to go on a late night keying stroll again.

My only advice is, don't reach out again. It just gives her power, and lets her live rent free in your head anyways. She's not worth it. You dodged a bullet, and losing your job may be a blessing in disguise honestly. Block her and her friends, so they can't report back to her (if they're not your friends as well). Be a ghost for a while, maybe even just delete social media for a few months. Let her wonder, and in time she won't anymore, and she'll find a new object of obsession.

Hope this helps.


You're free, enjoy it.
-TD

[jinglebells1989]

Thanks trynadeal.

Yeah I can’t say I regret lighting her up on Instagram. Under the circumstances, I don’t think it makes me look weak although I’m sure in her mind she positioned it that way. I mean If someone keeps messing with you for over a year to the point you lose a job over it, how can they not expect you’d be angry? I never once begged for her back and I never will. She’s not worth it.

I guarantee you she’s not over me either, bpd or not. 10 months after we broke up she bumped into me at a subway on our lunch break. I didn’t say anything to her. When she saw me she got this look on her face like she was both angry and sad and then she got in line and started talking to the woman she came with about the new guy. Just saying his name repeatedly so I would hear it. Lol, pathetic. She was relentless in this. I actually pity her tbh.

[Trynadeal]

Thanks trynadeal.

Yeah I can’t say I regret lighting her up on Instagram. Under the circumstances, I don’t think it makes me look weak although I’m sure in her mind she positioned it that way. I mean If someone keeps messing with you for over a year to the point you lose a job over it, how can they not expect you’d be angry? I never once begged for her back and I never will. She’s not worth it.

I guarantee you she’s not over me either, bpd or not. 10 months after we broke up she bumped into me at a subway on our lunch break. I didn’t say anything to her. When she saw me she got this look on her face like she was both angry and sad and then she got in line and started talking to the woman she came with about the new guy. Just saying his name repeatedly so I would hear it. Lol, pathetic. She was relentless in this. I actually pity her tbh.

Yeah man, no doubt. I wouldn't either tbh. When you go through this stuff and their lack of respect, you can only take so much. So I get it brother.

I was on an SSRI and blacked out one night. I was cocked. I probably had 15-20 beers that night. Brutal, and on SSRI's each beer is essentially 3 or so with the potency of the drug. I had no idea until my therapist told me. Anyways, around this time I was having weird dreams, but like normal, think conversations with people that never actually took place. SUPER VIVID. Anyways, I thought I may have reached out to my ex (left me out of the blue when my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer, and blamed me for everything then left, after we just moved into a new apt, started a savings account for a house near her fam, and my fam spent thousands on new furniture) and thought I told her off about a month after I got a weird card from her that was all about her, and her feelings, after my mom passed away. I can't be sure if it happened or not.

What I'm saying is, I get why you did it. And, I'm not saying you're weak. I'm saying in her delusional mind - she prob thinks you are. And she's still tryna prove you wrong for ending it. Like I said, I get the anger, and people like us take and take and take, and then explode sometimes. That, I think we can agree we actually do need to work on... But, I wouldn't worry about what she thinks. Losing your job sucks, I was laid off for a bit, it sucks. But, that company also isn't one you want to work for if they just got rid of you for reporting irrational behavior about a colleague. That's disrespectful and shows you its not a place you want to invest in and grow with long-term.

What I'm saying is, screw her narrative. Don't buy into it. If she's saying that stuff to get a rise out of you, she is pathetic. No normal person would do that stuff, its immature, and high school's over. Would a person who's 'happy' feel the need to do that, and throw an unnecessary jab (in their mind anyways)? No. They wouldn't. Don't buy into it, and next time, honestly? Maybe just laugh loudly, then get up and walk away. I wouldn't advise that, but it is an option if you run into her again somewhere.

[once removed]

I'm hoping whoever my next girlfriend is will be healthy.

this depends upon you.

we dont luck into healthy relationships. they require the skills to attract a healthy partner, and to nurture the relationship.

after the ex that brought me here, i didnt learn those lessons. the next two partners i chose were pretty questionable...the first was outwardly a worse idea than my ex.

i was still barking up the wrong tree, and on some level i knew it, but the relationships that we get into are a reflection of where we are in terms of emotional maturity and skills.

the shorter version is that we all have an internal model of what a relationship is supposed to look like. for some of us, to get on a healthier trajectory in life and love, that requires a hard look, and an adjustment toward a healthier model.

what do you think? does any of that ring true in the relationship youre writing about here?

[jinglebells1989]

But, that company also isn't one you want to work for if they just got rid of you for reporting irrational behavior about a colleague. That's disrespectful and shows you its not a place you want to invest in and grow with long-term.

Oh man that is a whole other ball of wax. The stuff they allowed her to get away with was appalling. She even admitted to them that she put stuff on my car and hit herself in the face after I flipped my sh*t one day and finally went to management about this after this punk she started talking to and flirting with at work sent me a text, at work, talking sh*t about me but the fool accidentally sent it to me, instead of whomever it was originally intended for. No one was fired. Also, when I did get let go they structured it as “Job restructuring” so I technically didn’t fired. This was two months after they gave me an $8,000 raise and a $3,000 bonus.

I called them a bunch of cowards and walked out. If that wasn’t enough, in order to get my severance check, which I literally needed to survive until I found another job, I have to sign an agreement saying I wouldn’t sue. I’ve had multiple law firms in LA tell me if I hadn’t signed that, i would absolutely have a lawsuit. VP of sales couldn’t even look me in the eye when I left that day. He was ashamed of himself. The whole thing was absolutely appalling.

Back in June when the HR director drove down from bakersfield to help “mediate the situation”, one of the first things he told me was the company did not want a lawsuit. That was all they had on their minds and because she was a woman she was able to skirt by with impunity. Makes me think she must be banging someone in upper management to get away with this.

But yes to your point, given the above, absolutely not a company I miss working for. Bunch of cowards masquerading as “Men”

[jinglebells1989]

this depends upon you.

we dont luck into healthy relationships. they require the skills to attract a healthy partner, and to nurture the relationship.

after the ex that brought me here, i didnt learn those lessons. the next two partners i chose were pretty questionable...the first was outwardly a worse idea than my ex.

i was still barking up the wrong tree, and on some level i knew it, but the relationships that we get into are a reflection of where we are in terms of emotional maturity and skills.

the shorter version is that we all have an internal model of what a relationship is supposed to look like. for some of us, to get on a healthier trajectory in life and love, that requires a hard look, and an adjustment toward a healthier model.

what do you think? does any of that ring true in the relationship youre writing about here?

Yes absolutely. It’s difficult because it will require a total paradigm shift on my part. I’m excited to be working with a counselor who specializes in this kind of thing. Two abusive relationships were enough for me to really want to put the effort into understanding why I’ve chosen the women I’ve dated in the past.

[once removed]

It’s difficult because it will require a total paradigm shift on my part.

its good that you see, and dont underestimate this.

make no mistake: you can get there, and it will make you a happier, more confident, and more resilient person.

understanding why I’ve chosen the women I’ve dated in the past.

i think that for a lot of us, theres nothing like the amount and type of attention our exes gave us. my ex really seemed to get me, and love me for the reasons that i most wanted, and needed to be loved for. that sure sounded like love to me!

I guarantee you she’s not over me either, bpd or not

question:

during the time that she was wreaking all of this havoc, was there a part of you that appreciated the attention? im not asking if you enjoyed her vandalizing your car, or losing your job; obviously thats a nightmare. but was there a part of that behavior that said to you "man, this chick just cant get over me"?

when you lashed out at her, and she blocked you, did that reaction surprise you? did you have any expectation of how she might react?

[jinglebells1989]

Once bitten,

To answer your last questions, yes. At first, I did like the attention. But once she started rubbing other guys in my face, vandalizing my car and stalking me around my neighborhood it turned to angry and even shame and embarrassment. Because at that point, I realized she never even cared about me. It was a power and control thing. The fact that she couldn't control me, not love me, meant she was going out of her way to destroy me. The feeling of realizing that it was fake from the beginning really hurt. Maybe I should even rephrase that. I don't think it was necessarily fake, but a very helpful concept my therapist told me about was that THIS type of behavior was the only way she has ever experienced "love" as she knew it. He even made a comment about her end goal was to destroy me so I would have no option but to beg for her back. Knowing that this girl associated this behavior with love really sucked accepting. Made me feel bad for her and felt ashamed of myself for getting caught up in all this.

Also, me lighting her up on Instagram was purely cathartic. I wanted to cut her deep and with some of my comments I made to her, I'm hoping that was what happened. It had to be said. She carried this on for close to a year. It was so bad that management was even engaging in gaslighting behaviors towards me to minimize this stuff. I truly don't think they knew they were doing that. That's how manipulative she was. She was so clever and deceitful at hiding this stuff. I had to unload on her. It needed to be said. I hope it did hurt.