Hey all. I've been looking for an opportunity to through this out to the community. Maybe it's more for support than answers, but this experienced has really messed with me.
My pwBPD(now ex) and I met 3 years ago. I was married but separating and divorcing. It was a whirlwind three days and my BPDex and I were 100% into each other even though I was still married and working through the divorce. We lived in neighboring states at the time. A week after meeting her, I went out and visited her and things went from interested to extremely intimate immediately. We saw each other one two more time over the course of 3 months and she decided to leave her job and move states to my state. Which I said wasn't a good idea since I was still married and trying to work through the divorce. She did it anyway and we started a semi-secret relationship for another year until the divorce was finalized... which I had to force through and felt guilty AF after being married to a best friend for 11 years.
It started off as me "saving her" (and placating my hero complex and co-de tendencies) from previous terrible relationships and her ex-husband. She was always the victim they all treated her terribly. When I asked what happened, she stated that she didn't remember and she just blocked it out since she wasn't happy (dissociating?).
The pwBPD always held it over my head that I didn't get divorced fast enough. She just decided she wanted a divorce 3 years prior and left her husband (10 year relationship) the next day after getting an apartment elsewhere. She moved 3 more times over two states and 4 jobs later until we met and she moved again to my state and found another job. Which she left shortly after and moved again to a city up north 90-minutes away for another job. During this time, the resentments started coming. She was always upset that I "made her move states" and she loved her state so much more. So many things that she would get explosive about. And me being a co-de personality, always thought I could fix it. If I worked harder, then she'd see how much I loved her and she'd be happy. I loved her, I just wasn't doing enough to show it, I thought.
I remember being unhappy all the time in relationship and being accused of cheating randomly. Finally I broke and confided in my ex wife the troubles. We then found solace in each other and I did the worst thing I've ever done and cheated on my pwBPD.
At first she was irate and unleashed hell on me. Scorched earth policy. Then the next day she apologized. Then the day after she told me how much she loved me and missed me. Then back to anger. I left everything up to her and responded without reaching out first. She would come back every three days or so and then disappear after a couple days of intense feelings being reunited. Whenever she was alone is when she would start reaching out.
Flash forward to 6 months of this on and off where the ons got longer and longer and the offs were down to a couple days month at most. She invited me to family Christmas dinner, which was a huge step. But the next lost her mind and said she couldn't do it and that I was a jerk for being hurt by it and that I should just be happy that we are even talking. The next day she asked if I would comes her and we talked and hung out like everything was fine. Then a few days later she visited me for NYE and stayed at my place. We were instantly back to a serious relationship, sex and "i love you's" and all. We brought back up marriage and kids and moving back to her state together once I got back from a 2 month work trip. I left and she messaged me every day how much she missed me and loves me and can't wait for me to come back.
She asked if I'd do a vacation with her when she came back, that I said yes to. And again, just like Christmas, she freaked herself out the next day and lost it emotionally. But then back to the I love you's the day after that. But then out of the blue, the next day, I got a message saying that she needs a break so that she can work through the anger and betrayal of the infidelity. She couldn't talk to me over the phone because she loved me and would call the break off if we talked. She cried over social media and commented things for a couple days about how hard life was. But then a couple days later she said we can talk at all ever again because she realized she only came back to the relationship because "it was familiar" and not because she loved me. And that it was ME who tried to manipulate her into the relationship every time (mind you I allowed her to come back rather than chase her). The next day she was in Hawaii with a two male friends and started a relationship with one of them, who had lost his wife to cancer 7 months prior, just a week after that.
My heart is completely wrecked that she went from "i love you, lets get married and look at houses together" to "we can talk ever again" and in a relationship with this new person (whom she only met once just a couple weeks prior). The relationship has been confirmed and he is already talking about moving from the midwest to her state. They have only been talking a couple weeks now. I'm confused and completely feeling replaced. My co-de is doing nothing but comparing myself to this new person.
Honestly, I know that she dissociated and moved on to be with this new prospect of fulfilling her empty void. I know she hasn't done the therapy work and that she's still the same person that drove me away. But I can't help but assume they are going to be happily ever after and I invested so much into out relationship, even after
PLEASE READ hit the fan, and I dedicated my therapy sessions to learning how to work with BPD rather than focusing on myself (typical co-de). I felt like I could have given her the world and treated her perfectly. And I know that she saw it over the last handful of months that we had been working on things. But now for it to just be total forget about me and on to the next... don't I deserve more than 3 days of grieving after three years of what had been a very serious relationship with intentions of marriage and children?
Is this just a rebound relationship that is going to blow up at some point?
Did she just use me until she was able to latch onto something else/something better?
Why can't I stop feeling like I didn't put enough effort in? I know, even before the infidelity, I tried to do everything to work on the relationship and even asked about couples therapy (which she refused). But I can't help but think I didn't do enough to show my love. So many amazing aspects to our relationship. But she honestly focused solely on the negatives and I felt like everything was turned into my fault. With that, and the whiplash ending of all in to completely severed ties and rebounding in a week. I'm floored. I'm hurt. And I'm really struggling to understand how people ever move on from these types of relationships. HELP.
