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Author Topic: Do you get used to feeling unsettled?  (Read 208 times)
Imatter33
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« on: February 25, 2020, 03:43:33 PM »

I don't know what to do next in my journey, so to speak.
I am NC with Mom, rapidly approaching a year. My daughter being born and some comments that followed proceeded the NC, and I have come to understand that the relationship I had with mom prior to her birth was breaking down, but that my heightened hormones, anxieties, pressures, and no sleep made going NC relatively a no brainer back then.

And here I am at almost the year.
Considering my H's feelings, NC will continue and if I take a look at just my feelings, purely on gut reaction and what I think I can handle... I too am okay with NC continuing.

 I don't know if both myself and my H are comfortable now with this new and (still strange) feeling of her being out of the picture?

Like, I am just going to say it. It is so flipping nice.  I feel like I've gotten a glimpse of what a normal family feels like. Bc I have been focusing my energies on my supportive relationships. Focusing on all the love that I have in my heart to direct toward my H and little babe.
Slowly turning away from drama causing triangulation and just being.
Being an adult, a woman, a mother. My own person.

SIGH.

I think FOG still causes me pain.
And I feel like estrangment is where I am at right now, and I just feel unsettled. Sea Sick kind of?

Mostly happens when its just me and Baby at the house.

I don't feel like educating anymore (maybe bc I feel alone in it, with no desire coming from H,) My brain feels like its going to explode from education..and I am allowing myself the break.

But where am I?

On a boat..in the middle of the sea? Away from her? And just feeling sea sick?

A metaphor for missing solid ground?

Thanks for listening BPD family.
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Methuen
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« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2020, 04:31:52 PM »

Hi imatter Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Sigh.  I haven't experienced this feeling of being seasick in a boat in the middle of the ocean.  My metaphor was 100% being lost in the woods.  But when I discovered bpdfamily, I started finding little trails that led me to all kinds of people so I didn't feel isolated, alone, or lost any more.  I think that was different than what you are describing.

Excerpt
Like, I am just going to say it. It is so flipping nice.  I feel like I've gotten a glimpse of what a normal family feels like. Bc I have been focusing my energies on my supportive relationships. Focusing on all the love that I have in my heart to direct toward my H and little babe.

This sounds healthy to me.  Sounds like your boat should stay the course Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
if I take a look at just my feelings, purely on gut reaction and what I think I can handle... I too am okay with NC continuing.

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
I think FOG still causes me pain.
And I feel like estrangment is where I am at right now, and I just feel unsettled. Sea Sick kind of?  Mostly happens when its just me and Baby at the house.

So I'm trying to get inside your head a bit from reading between the lines, which is maybe not the smartest thing to do, but I'm going to take a gentle stab at it anyway.  Could it be a tinge of loneliness (since it usually happens when you are alone with baby)?  Starting a family is a huge change.  Friends change.  Freedom changes.  Finances change.  Everything changes.  Or, could it be that you are missing that maternal support and "wishing" your baby had a grandma like maybe other babies/mothers have a grandma?  Am I close with either of those, or not close at all?  Or is it something else?

Excerpt
A metaphor for missing solid ground?

It sounds from you saying that NC "is so flipping nice", that there is some solid ground.  A number of times in my life when I have had a difficult decision to make, or been at a turning point, I have have made a pro's/con's list.  I work on it for days or even weeks (not minutes or hours) so that I don't miss anything.  It forces me to think deeply about all the pro's/con's before I take an action I may regret, or which may not be able to be undone after I have taken it.  If I take an action, it also helps me develop a solid plan by which to move forward.

I'm not totally understanding the unsettled feeling you are describing, which you say you feel especially when you are alone with baby.  Can you tell us more?

It sounds like you have contentment with H and baby, so what do you attribute the unsettled feeling to?  

Do you also see a T?

For now, maybe keep your boat pointed in the "flipping nice" direction, until you have things figured out a little more?

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)





« Last Edit: February 25, 2020, 04:48:59 PM by Methuen » Logged
Imatter33
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« Reply #2 on: February 25, 2020, 07:36:16 PM »

 Could it be a tinge of loneliness (since it usually happens when you are alone with baby)?
I encourage you to take a stab Methuen, and I appreciate your insightfulness.

 Starting a family is a huge change.  Friends change.  Freedom changes.  Finances change.  Everything changes.  Or, could it be that you are missing that maternal support and "wishing" your baby had a grandma like maybe other babies/mothers have a grandma?
My daughter is getting the "grandmother" experience from other sources, other wonderful sources....but no matter the relationships and how wonderful...
I'm not sharing the most profound and beautiful mother/daughter event with my mother. I feel unsettled that my experience is so incredibly different than that of my friends and acquaintances. Like because of BPD in my family, I'm an oddball? Does this make sense to anyone else?

It's also unsettling to feel jealous of other people because jealousy in and of itself just wastes energy ,and does not make me feel good. But I guess I will just feel my feelings here. I get jealous sometimes. A friend of the family had a baby a month ago, I gifted her something and her mother picked it up from my house, and she  was just glowing talking about her daughter/grandchild.

Thank goodness this forum does exist because it allows me the comfort of talking to people that don't just sympathize, but can truly empathize.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)



It sounds like you have contentment with H and baby, so what do you attribute the unsettled feeling to?  
Do you also see a T?
I used to feel a strange sense of pride in making a relationship with my mom work. Bc she is a high conflict personality it felt good to "fight to be at a good place with her."  And then the victory/camaraderie would be shared with my siblings. And we all would talk and celebrate that kind of success.
But i am telling you all, it was always short-lived.
Is it truly possible I miss dysfunction? Is the absence of dysfunction in my life creating a loneliness for it?
 Paragraph header (click to insert in post)

Whoa I definitely did not see these kind of thoughts coming out in responding M. Wow.
 I am out of counseling for the time being.

For now, maybe keep your boat pointed in the "flipping nice" direction, until you have things figured out a little more?
Probably an excellent idea.

I tend to type how I talk. It has been flipping nice!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

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zachira
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« Reply #3 on: February 25, 2020, 08:59:56 PM »

You think that fog is causing you pain and feeling unsettled even though you have been NC for a year with your mother. It sounds like there is  a lot of pain to process, and some of the pain may come from when you were a small baby and unable to make verbal memories. I found that EMDR therapy really helped me a lot to process the pain and feel better about myself. I really regret that my therapist stopped providing EMDR therapy because no other therapy helped me to heal that much. I am so glad you have a wonderful baby and supportive husband.
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Methuen
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« Reply #4 on: February 25, 2020, 09:56:12 PM »

Excerpt
could it be that you are missing that maternal support and "wishing" your baby had a grandma like maybe other babies/mothers have a grandma?

Ahh - yes.  I kind of thought this could be the cause of that unsettled feeling, reading between the lines, but I didn't really want to put words in your mouth in case I was wrong.  I think it's totally normal imatter, and I would be more worried  if you weren't feeling this.

It's such a natural thing to wish for, especially when other friends have healthy mother's to be grandmothers for their babies.

Could it be the "unsettled feeling" you are experiencing is actually grief?

I ask because I struggled for a while too, although not over a baby, but more selfishly for myself.  ALL of my friends have great relationships with their mom's.  They have what I desperately wanted.  It was a horrible feeling for me because one of them even says things like "I support my mom every way I can to model for my kids so that one day they look after me".  I can't count how many times I heard her say this.  She has NO clue how painful  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) it was for me to hear that.  Her mom is best friends with my mom.  UGE.

Although I don't have a baby to wish a grandmother for, I can relate to what you may be feeling with my own example.  It's simply wanting what we can't have, but is normal to everyone else we know.  I don't think that I would call it jealousy, because that has such a negative connotation, and I don't believe what you are feeling is in any way negative.  I thing it's just a natural desire for a strong healthy BOND with the person that all the textbooks say should be there for us.  

But for us, that bond is not there, and never can be.  For me, fully accepting that  defines the term "radical acceptance".  When I finally just accepted my mom for who and what she was, and stopped wishing for something else, a strange thing happened; my grieving eased.  I no longer "wish" for the mythical mother.  Her idiosyncrocies and narcissistic tendancies are easier to manage in small doses, and I know I have other things instead, and it sounds like you do too imatter.  Sounds like you have an H, and a wonderful baby, and other really sweet pseudo-grandma like types.  

Excerpt
Is it truly possible I miss dysfunction? Is the absence of dysfunction in my life creating a loneliness for it?

This actually occurred to me when I was writing my earlier reply to your first post, but I'm now convinced it's not you missing any dysfunction.  No way.  It's grief imatter.  Just sit with it.  It's totally natural and OK.  You can move past it with time.  Maybe just recognizing that unsettled feeling for what it is, will help.

An extra kiss to baby from me with your next play session.

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

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Imatter33
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« Reply #5 on: February 26, 2020, 03:58:58 PM »

Sitting with grief is hard, especially when it is cyclical. But I truly think it is what is between the lines for now anyway.

Another layer is probably tiredness. How many of us on here love the support but also can't believe how often we are concentrating on a hard relationship??? (Even if we are NC)

I want a lasting peace. I don't have that yet, does anyone else?
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« Reply #6 on: February 27, 2020, 05:22:10 AM »

Lasting peace? Honestly, I don't think so. But acceptance of what is? I think so.

I didn't learn about BPD until I was middle age. Even as a child though, I knew my mother was different somehow from my friends' mothers. Besides her extreme BPD behaviors, In a nutshell, their mothers seemed to be nurtuting. Mine is not. There were moments along the way that made me notice this. Her BPD behaviors are extreme, she's emotionally abusive and manipulative, that was obvious. But even at her best, she wasn't nurturing.

I recall going clothes shopping with my aunt ( on my father's side, her side doesn't have much to do with me) and it was so pleasant, and she helped me pick out clothes. It wasn't pleasant or calm to go shopping with my mother.

A friends' mother baked cookies with me. My mother didn't.

When I became a mother, she was happy to be a grandmother, but she wasn't hands on or helpful. By that time I would not have trusted her to be alone with my kids. My friends had parents who babysat and helped, but I knew I would not leave a child with my mother.

My parents got older. I watched my friends assume a more caretaker relationship for their aging parents. I wanted to do this too. It seemed like the natural and decent thing to do. My friends started to move their out of town parents closer to where they lived. I went with them as we looked at retirement communities. I assumed that this is what I would do as well.

My father got ill, and I began the process of helping my parents, like I had seen my friends do. Yet, things were different. My mother's behavior escalated, and she became more abusive to all of us, including my father. I went a stayed with them for a while to help out. It was the longest time I had stayed with them since college. With my father in the hospital, I was alone with my mother for the first time since I was a teen and she was cruel and abusive. I realized then that for my own emotional sanity, I could not have a close relationship with her.

I am not NC with my mother, but we are LC and distant. It feels unsettling to have my widowed mother live alone and not near me because it doesn't feel like the natural thing to do. I think some of the unsettling feeling is that we have ideas of what these stages should be like. We expect our mothers to take care of us when we are young, to help when a grandbaby is born, and then we also expect we will help them when they are elderly. However, this isn't the case when the mother is mentally ill and it doesn't feel natural.

To be honest though, I am glad my mother isn't near me. Like you mentioned, when she is around, it isn't sanity. We should not allow people to be abusive to us. It's a dilemma when it is our own mothers, because it doesn't feel natural to not be close to them. That's where we have to work on acceptance of what is reality, vs what feels natural and do the best we can with it. I think it is a process because we experience it at different ages. What you are feeling now is a major milestone. For me motherhood brought back lots of reminders. As I mothered my children, I would recall things my mother said or did and think "I wouldn't do that to a child". Motherhood was also healing in a sense. Maybe I didn't have the expected mother-child bond with my own mother, but I do with my children. I can mother them. and in this sense, experience it.

Enjoy this new adventure- and that little baby.  
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Imatter33
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« Reply #7 on: February 27, 2020, 11:41:14 AM »

 Here is an example of unsettled that I struggling with right now. This feeling extends beyond just the one relationship with my mom and into the family system.

It took a lot of emotional work to put my boundary in place of not discussing my relationship with mom with my FOO. I say that it took emotional work because it's still so foreign to have boundaries in the first place. I know intellectually I will get better at it.
But anyway,
I recently had to restate the boundary to my sister in a letter. Since then she has been over one time (with my dad) to hang out with me and baby. She has a gift for my daughter that she did not bring with her this most recent visit. She intended to give it to my daughter the next day at "the party"
There was some awkwardness that the birthday party I had was not an event that I invited siblings too. She took this well and understood.
When she left, she said "I guess I'll have to come by sometime soon to drop off her gift." I said oh of course, come visit sometime.

It's been a week. I feel obligation  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) to reach out and find our next time to see each other, purely for this gift she wants to give. But doesn't the reaching out need to come from my sister?
This is what is unsettling. The communication between us has such a strong filter (bc of my boundary) and everything feels ...what? I am struggling to find the word.

But
Lasting peace? Honestly, I don't think so. But acceptance of what is? I think so.
Acceptance of what is. Oof. All around, in everything huh? So perhaps I need to accept this awkwardness with my sister too and stop trying to wish it away or fight it.
I still welcome advice though on my obligation feeling. Or being assertive and inviting her over again?

The second part of this post will be to break down responses to NotWendy.

I didn't learn about BPD until I was middle age. Even as a child though, I knew my mother was different somehow from my friends' mothers. Besides her extreme BPD behaviors, In a nutshell, their mothers seemed to be nurturing. Mine is not. There were moments along the way that made me notice this. Her BPD behaviors are extreme, she's emotionally abusive and manipulative, that was obvious. But even at her best, she wasn't nurturing.
I cannot remember what Mom can be in her best moments. It's very vague. I only think of her behavior in comparison with others experiences on this forum now. I have to say, a lot of the time I feel like she isn't/wasn't that bad in comparison. But the stuff about emotional incest rings true for me, and I feel like I am blocking a lot of pain and anger. I also know she has different sides to her personality that come out with each child. Suicidal ideation and threats tend to be reserved for my sister.
At her best she wasn't nurturing. This is really sticking out to me. I just looked up the definition. "care for and encourage the growth or development of."
In a nutshell, my mother could not do this. What I am confusing for nurturing is taking care of basic needs, (which she did) and hugs.

A friends' mother baked cookies with me. My mother didn't.
Here is my recollection. My mom could bake cookies with me, and we would have a good time. And 45 min later she was crying her eyes out in that bathroom...That's been the pattern! I hate that pattern! Good time, loving time, followed by some version of emotional breakdown.
 I sit here and ponder how she could take care of us in a physical manner (pretty well). I think it's a version of a miracle. One time she had to turn in pop cans to make 5.00 to pay the mortgage though...but I do give her credit. Emotionally with her disorder, physical caretaking had to be harder than it is for most.
We expect our mothers to take care of us when we are young, to help when a grandbaby is born, and then we also expect we will help them when they are elderly. However, this isn't the case when the mother is mentally ill and it doesn't feel natural.
We should not allow people to be abusive to us. It's a dilemma when it is our own mothers, because it doesn't feel natural to not be close to them. That's where we have to work on acceptance of what is reality, vs what feels natural and do the best we can with it.

Yes, yes, yes.

Motherhood was also healing in a sense. Maybe I didn't have the expected mother-child bond with my own mother, but I do with my children. I can mother them. and in this sense, experience it.
So beautiful. Thank you.

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Harri
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« Reply #8 on: February 27, 2020, 01:36:06 PM »

Hi!   Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
It's been a week. I feel obligation   Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) to reach out and find our next time to see each other, purely for this gift she wants to give. But doesn't the reaching out need to come from my sister?
Why does it need to be her that reaches out?  Could it be that it is okay for you to reach out and ask her over for a visit (regardless of the gift)?
I don't think there are rules that govern this and trying to think in terms of who's turn it is will only strengthen the awkwardness and possibly lead to resentment.  Are you always the one to reach out to your sister?  Maybe in that sense nothing has changed?  Do you want it to?  (Just thinking out loud with you here).

Excerpt
So perhaps I need to accept this awkwardness with my sister too and stop trying to wish it away or fight it.
I still welcome advice though on my obligation feeling. Or being assertive and inviting her over again?
Just based on what I read here, it seems to me the feeling of obligation is coming from yourself and may possibly have little to do with your sister.  Am I way off here?  We talk about FOG a lot and that is good but sometimes I think we over apply it and attribute it all to our family members.  I can't tell if that is happening here but I do want to mention it.  If I am off track, tell me to shut it!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

As for feeling unsettled, as you know and stated, this will get better.  It will get better for you.  It will also get better for your sister.  It is a big change for her too and is possibly pushing against a lot of her learned behaviors as well.  As you both find new ways of being in your relationship with each other and other family members, it will get better.  It will also take time, and possibly lots of it. 

I really like the way you dig into things and are not afraid to look at and talk about your feelings with us.  It helps me too as I have been doing a bit of avoiding.  Thank you.
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« Reply #9 on: February 27, 2020, 04:20:31 PM »

Why does it need to be her that reaches out?  Could it be that it is okay for you to reach out and ask her over for a visit (regardless of the gift)?
Your question Harri, is a good one. I don't know why I feel that it needs to be her. I think I made it clear that I am open and wanting a relationship with her independent of other family. And she pushed back on that at first, stating that our relationship would likely be fake.
But I enjoyed her company the other day, and I think the relationship has all the potential to be "real" but as you stated it's more awkward for her to adjust.
I want her to want..me. I equate this too making an effort on her end.
But you perceived something so accurately. She has never been an initiator. And it does bother me! Outside of anything with mom, it just irks me that I seem to always be asking for her time. And I feel like its "favor like" Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)
It would mean so much to get a text that stated. "Hey sis, I want to see you!" When are you free?

 
  Just based on what I read here, it seems to me the feeling of obligation is coming from yourself and may possibly have little to do with your sister.  Am I way off here?
Nope. I do feel obligated to reach out to her bc I know she has a gift for my daughter, when really I don't care about that part at all.
We talk about FOG a lot and that is good but sometimes I think we over apply it and attribute it all to our family members.  I can't tell if that is happening here but I do want to mention it.  If I am off track, tell me to shut it!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
My T and I discussed my tendency to be hypervigilant in all my relationships. I know that I take the BPD knowledge and try to apply all over. But I fail to see how this could be a bad thing to do. I learned dysfunctional behaviors and when I think (for example) that I am operating out of FOG in any aspect of my life I want to change it. Is there something to be cautious of in doing that?

I've been happily discussing FOG and JADE with friends and we are talking about entirely different situations than on this forum. Isn't there an everyday application for these concepts?

JADE really helps me see how easy setting a boundary should be. If I don't JADE then all I am left with is stating what I need in a polite and calm but firm manner.

  As you both find new ways of being in your relationship with each other and other family members, it will get better.  It will also take time, and possibly lots of it.
Patience is not my strong suit.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) but I know what you are saying!


I am so happy to have a safe place to emote. Thank you right back! Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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Harri
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« Reply #10 on: February 27, 2020, 05:40:45 PM »

Hi again!

Excerpt
Excerpt
Quote from: Harri on February 27, 2020, 02:36:06 PM
We talk about FOG a lot and that is good but sometimes I think we over apply it and attribute it all to our family members.  I can't tell if that is happening here but I do want to mention it.  If I am off track, tell me to shut it!

My T and I discussed my tendency to be hypervigilant in all my relationships. I know that I take the BPD knowledge and try to apply all over. But I fail to see how this could be a bad thing to do. I learned dysfunctional behaviors and when I think (for example) that I am operating out of FOG in any aspect of my life I want to change it. Is there something to be cautious of in doing that?

I was not clear.  Sorry.  I meant that sometimes we over apply the idea of FOG to our pwBPD or to others rather than sorting out if the feeling of fear, obligation and or guilt is coming from us, sometimes even beyond our conditioned learning.  In other words, a lot of times we think "I feel obligation" or "I feel guilt" and rather than look within and at our feelings and actions that come with those feelings, we blame it on the pwBPD.  "My BPD mom is fogging me" or She is using Guilt, etc.  Sometimes that may be true but not always.  And that was what I meant when I said sometimes we overgeneralize it.

Recognizing that fear obligation and guilt often have a lot to do with us, gives us more power over the reactions and how we process those feelings.  After all, we can only change us.

Is that clearer or did I make a bigger mess?


Excerpt
Isn't there an everyday application for these concepts?
Yes, there is!  All of the tools will improve any relationship and work very well. 
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« Reply #11 on: February 27, 2020, 06:21:03 PM »

Hi again!!

Your (re)explanation was very helpful! I almost always look at FOG as an indication within and what it means for me but I love how you stated this ...and will continue to be teachable.
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« Reply #12 on: February 27, 2020, 06:32:13 PM »

Yes, I feel it as sadness.  I know it is not her choice to suffer from borderline personality disorder.  She’s old and the language barrier precludes DBT.    This article is not about BPD, but illustrates cultural anthropology. She and my late relatives remind me of the tea seller in the market.

https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2020/02/26/influencers-in-islamabad/

She tends to lash out most harshly when we have fun together. I feel closer and sure she does. It feels good to me and probably like nails on a chalkboard for her after the fun is over.

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« Reply #13 on: February 27, 2020, 06:34:08 PM »

Excerpt
Quote from: Harri on February 27, 2020, 01:36:06 PM
Why does it need to be her that reaches out?  Could it be that it is okay for you to reach out and ask her over for a visit (regardless of the gift)?

Excerpt
Your question Harri, is a good one. I don't know why I feel that it needs to be her. I think I made it clear that I am open and wanting a relationship with her independent of other family. And she pushed back on that at first, stating that our relationship would likely be fake.

I'm going to hypothesize here that you thought it should be her because of how you were raised by your mother.  That hypothesis could be dead wrong, but I suggested it because that is how I was raised by my mother.  She was very much a "tit for tat", or "it's your turn" (always putting the obligation on someone else including friends and co-workers as well as her close family).  Since I was raised that way, I find I always have to "check" myself in many situations, because sometimes my brain pathways seem to want to default to that kind of thinking.  I'm better now, but I doubt that default ever disappears entirely.  It's taken effort for me to address it.  Just my random musing...

Notwendy:
Excerpt
We expect our mothers to take care of us when we are young, to help when a grandbaby is born, and then we also expect we will help them when they are elderly. However, this isn't the case when the mother is mentally ill and it doesn't feel natural.

yes yes yes.  I've let go of the mythical mother.  I'm just super happy when she's not dysregulated, so I think it's safe to say I've vastly lowered any expectations of my mother.  I have no expectations any more.  And I'm so much happier because of it.  When she throws out one of her hooks, or barbs, or tries to guilt me by saying (almost every visit) how much someone else takes care of their elderly parent, I just use my new BPDfamily tools and move on.  And low contact.  Low contact is actually a "skill" I think a lot of us have to learn without feeling guilt about it.

Excerpt
We talk about FOG a lot and that is good but sometimes I think we over apply it and attribute it all to our family members.  I can't tell if that is happening here but I do want to mention it.
It was interesting to see you write this Harri.  I actually found myself asking myself recently, am I doing this to myself (FOG), or is she? So reading it in your post kind of affirmed my suspicion that it was something to sit on and chew over.  Never would have accepted the possibility 8 months ago.  If it's me doing it to myself, well it's probably because of how she trained me, but at least I can untrain myself right?

Excerpt
But I enjoyed her company the other day, and I think the relationship has all the potential to be "real" but as you stated it's more awkward for her to adjust.
I want her to want..me. I equate this too making an effort on her end.

Random idea imatter:  you could invite her for a walk (with the stroller).  If an opportunity presents itself, you could tell her you enjoy her company Love it! (click to insert in post)  Maybe she's just feeling a little unsure, since boundaries were put up around the BD party - even if she said she understood why the boundaries were there.  By inviting her for a walk, or out to a coffee in a shop, there's no expectation of a gift because you are meeting on neutral ground.  Maybe the gift will come, maybe it won't.  Accept either.  But at least you have reached out, since you enjoy her company...?

Excerpt
I've been happily discussing FOG and JADE with friends and we are talking about entirely different situations than on this forum. Isn't there an everyday application for these concepts?

I believe so.  I think they are useful in a variety of situations, not just with BPD.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  It's the kind of stuff they could start teaching in Kindergarten, along with "sharing" and "taking turns" perhaps?



« Last Edit: February 27, 2020, 06:49:24 PM by Methuen » Logged
Harri
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« Reply #14 on: February 28, 2020, 12:35:59 AM »

Quote from:  Methuen
It was interesting to see you write this Harri.  I actually found myself asking myself recently, am I doing this to myself (FOG), or is she? So reading it in your post kind of affirmed my suspicion that it was something to sit on and chew over.  Never would have accepted the possibility 8 months ago.  If it's me doing it to myself, well it's probably because of how she trained me, but at least I can untrain myself right?
Yes, you can untrain yourself.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Seeing FOG, or anything else, as something we play a part in (to whatever extent) is, I think, important to believe so that we can begin to re-learn, un-learn, un-train, etc.  Even when the FOG clearly is coming from our pwBPD, it only has power if we buy in to it and if we believe we are helpless to do anything about it. 

Again I am reminded of a saying from Al-anon (I believe):
We are not responsible for how we came to be who we are as adults
but as adults we are responsible for whom we have become and for everything we say and do.

Can you see the power and freedom in this?! 
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« Reply #15 on: February 28, 2020, 12:42:32 AM »

Again I am reminded of a saying from Al-anon (I believe):
We are not responsible for how we came to be who we are as adults
but as adults we are responsible for whom we have become and for everything we say and do.


Yep.  A "keeper" quote.
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