I feel the pain of rejection and shame all over again.

[Carguy]

Mod Note:  Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=343096.0;all

Thanks!

My inner peace was good earlier today. I have read on BPD and have felt compassion for those suffering with it but this audio book takes it to a new level. Hearing the range of tboughts and emotions one goes through from a first person narrative really helps me empathise and feel a greater compassion for my ex BPD and any who struggle with it! I'm learning quite a bit! I'm 2/3 through it and believe I'll listen to it again to drive it in more.

All that being said, tonight I ran into Wal-Mart to get bread and yogurt for my breakfast (part of my P90X diet) and ran into her. She looked at me, smiled with kind eyes, and I said "Hey! You doing ok?" She ignored me and kept walking.

A few minutes later I walked down the aisle she was stocking and started to tell her that I had something I think belongs to her daughter that my manager found in our company tow truck (they went on a few tows with me). She said something I couldn't hear and I asked what? She repeated and I still couldn't make it all out but I'm pretty sure she said "I don't want to talk." I said "Ok, I just wanted to see about dropping it off." then I turned and left.

I once again felt shame and dumb for even saying anything at all to her.

I've been doing a lot of thinking tonight and think I should get a calender like you said and mark off each day I succeed in low contact.

I'm also thinking I need to just disappear out if her world. Plan my shopping better reducing my times I need to go in for something, plan my shopping days on the days she doesn't work, and when I need one or two items go in at lunchtime before she goes in shift or have my friend (who offered tonight) go in and get it for me. End my chances of running into her. Also cease any communication with the exception of short responses if she happens to text me.

Each time this happens I feel the pain of rejection and shame all over again and to be honest I'm the one that keep a subjecting myself to it. I need to figure out ways to stop my urges to contact or run into her when they come. When they happen it is very strong. Pretty much like an addiction.

I thought about just leaving her daughter's toy on her doorstep and knocking and leaving tomorrow at lunch but now I'm questioning doing that. Especially with the idea of just disappearing from her world.

I would love for her to soften her heart to me and open communication with me again but I'm not sure if it will happen anytime soon (or ever for that matter). She told me this was about all of our past but I know the biggest reason for this is me seeing someone else for a few weeks. I'm not sure she will ever move past that.

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[khibomsis]

Dear Carguy, it is rough. I am sorry you got hurt trying to be the nice man you are. Still, these mood shifts might have little to do with you, for pwPBD everything is in the moment.

If your greater insight can lead you to compassion for her and maybe forgiveness for yourself, you will be able to move on with a sense of lightness.

 Low contact is there to protect you from these situations. Let her guide you in when she is able to communicate, and your communication will be more positive.

As for the other measures you propose, you need to figure out what it is you need. A period of no contact indeed would require a change in your habits. Try and be consistent then, and avoid confusing her. She has enough to deal with.

As for dating another girl so soon,  no woman alive would take that easily, BPD or no. Accept that trust between you is going to take a long time to rebuild, and requires all your resolve and common sense, By the looks of it, you will be living in the same town for the rest of your lives. Take the long view and proceed cautiously.

 
Khib

[juju2]

Hi.

You are in the right place.


I was here from 2017-2018, during estrangement from ubpd.so

What I have learned HERE, is the availability of preserving sanity, steps to take around the bpd relationship to keep grounded.    So much, and more.

My cup runith over.

Hang on, hang in there.

[Carguy]

Thanks Khib and Amback!

Khib, you do have a point with not taking dating someone else so quickly very well. I know it hurt me when she did this last July. Even though we were not together this last time (something she told me a few times) it still felt like we were and the hurt for her is still just as bad. I do feel guilty and wish I hadn't jumped so quickly to date someone else. It ended up being a short rebound relationship for both the other girl and I and caused a lot of damage between my BP and I. I regret this.

With regards to disappearing, I know right now I am a trigger for her. I think even running into her in the store may trigger her a little and increase her anxiety and maybe upset her. She told me that my coming around hurt her. Even though the other day it seemed like I was painted white briefly, I am not. I'm thinking maybe this is best for awhile so I don't trigger her more and so I don't put myself in a position to feel shame and rejection. This would give me some space to heal I think, as hard as it may be. I may need to come on here and vent or center myself when the loneliness and missing her happens. It helps a lot!

Amback, this site truly is a huge help! I am very grateful for the help and compassion on here and thankful I found it! Thank you for the words of encouragement!

[juju2]

I was on here from 2017-2018, in a horrible head space, left here.  I had a different id then.

Am back.

One thing I am doing different, we are separated 3 years Oct 2017, after 10 years.living together.   He is udxbpd.  He is dx and says he has completely healed.  Like he never was bpd...

What i am doing different is using the anonymous texting app.   He doesnt have my ph# or my email.

 I still have 90% of his stuff.   He lives w another lady(financial reasons).  really. o.k.(?)

W the texting app, he is not able to actually disrupt anything in my life, like a real text or phone call...he would always pop in w text happy Valentine's day, etc. etc. Without ever actually seeing me or having one thing to do w me!

Yesterday I discontinued the texting app.  He had complained to me on a scheduled phone call (*67. Call. ) that he was tired of waking up to 12 texts from me.   He said don't do that.  ( I would go overboard w the texting of xyz.  And so I took that off the table.)  That app did give me space and time I needed to clarify my head without going NC or LC.

The only way he has to contact me is if he leaves a note on my door...anyway.   


The people here got me thru a horrible time and I am a lot better!

[khibomsis]

Dear Carguy, we are here for you. Feel free to come and vent whenever.
I hear you about giving her space so as not to trigger her, indeed if you are firm about not being together than a period of NC is usually recommended. Provided you can be consistent.

Keep us posted how it goes?

 
Khib

[Carguy]

Amback, this truly has messed with my head, heart, and emotions more than any other relationship I've been in (including my marriage). It truly has been one of the hardest things I've endured. This group has been truly a blessing with support and insight. I started seeing a counselor because I didn't understand what was going on in this relationship. He was the one to point out BPD to me. I found out a few months ago my employer provided health insurance doesn't cover mental health so I had to discontinue seeing him. I'm trying to figure out insurance or other means to resume seeing him.

Khib, I would love for things to work out between us and to be able to have a relationship but I feel at this moment any contact from me makes matters worse. I hate having no contact but I'm afraid of making things worse in the same turn. I'm not sure no contact is the answer but i don't know what else to do.

I have stayed away since she said she didn't want to talk on Tuesday. Last night I had to get some groceries so I tried to go in and stayed over in the food section and away from her department. I went through check out and there she was! I seen her friend grocery shopping and then in check out I seen her friend talking to her so I just continue with check out and left. I don't know if she seen me or was just pretending not to see me but I tried to be inconspicuous and leave. I admit it brought up some feelings of hurt and anger this time along with disappointment.

I don't know if staying completely out of sight for awhile helps matters but I know she seems to not want me anywhere around. It is confusing knowing what the best thing to do is. When she sent me that text a few weeks ago about only talking about certain things and I agreed to her and told her I was going no contact, that is the only time she seemed to reverse and not want to lose contact with me. And then the next day (Valentine's) I take her flowers and she was so excited and repeatedly hugged me and told me it meant a lot and then a few days later she doesn't want me around again? It makes me unsure on what to do.

[juju2]

Carguy.   My heart goes out to you.   So much of what I go thru, went thru, was dysfunctional as far as what I know to be the norm or true...
So, when I hear you say, she didn't like that...

Brings me back to my experiences.
I was always looking for validation.   I wanted to do the right things, good things.

It was IMPOSSIBLE. The things I knew in relationship, how, what, when.   I felt like...
whaaaaat just happened...?

And not always.   Often enough so that I never knew anything.

Is water wet.?
Us up, up.   ?
Or is it down.

During this separation it----- is still there.


We are able to see one another once a week.   Once a week no issues for 60 or more minutes.

I am better because of everything I learned here mostly and by grace.

Don't make myself crazy.  I have to take care of myself...
The impulse is to run to him, beg, plead.
Do anything. Everything.   And then all the crazy.    Do I want ALL of that.

Right now I am able to see him 60 minutes a week.

[Carguy]

Thanks Amback.

It is quite confusing for sure. I know what my heart wants but to me at least, it seems she is completely done and wants nothing more to do with me. I'm just trying to keep a distance at the moment and heal. I'm unsure of what else I can do at this point.

I do struggle a lot with wanting to reach out but I have to fight those urges because I believe it will just anger her more at this point.

[juju2]

I get it Carguy.

I did that too.

At some point, it occurred to me, to seek inside me, what do I want.   Do I even want a r/s w him.

I had to spend alone time before I could even get to honest questions.
Questions that had me, get to my core...
From there, that vantage point,
pathways, stepping stones, quiet reflections become available to me.