My Aging Mother with BPD

[Gracefilled]

Hi,

This is my first post. Here goes-  I'm am the people pleaser daughter of an aging (77) mother with BPD. It's been a long journey of sorting through BPD and how my mom's mental illness has had an impact on our small family (family of origin) of four. Our rolls in it and how it has affected who I allow to be my friends, my husband and how it has affected our four children. What is hard to understand about myself, I keep falling into bad patterns with my Mom and Dad. It's always been so hard for me to make sense of her behavior and what is not okay. What is abusive and bullying. I'm better at seeing what is not okay- but, I have guilt and patterns that put me right back at people pleasing behavior. I get so angry with myself. I'm 54 years old and I still struggle with this. My Dad enables all of it and it becomes a triangle of crazy making behavior. My sister was the rebel. She still is at 55. She was born deaf. She can turn her head in a snap and shut everyone out. She told me once that she felt we were abused and asked me if I felt that way too. We both agreed. She also asked me why I was the favorite child and how unfair it was. I explained that I wasn't the favorite child; I was the child scrambling for love, for peace, to fill Mom's always empty bucket. It just looked like I was the favorite because I was enmeshed with Mom. My sister resents me and we do not have a very good relationship. She abandons me. She refuses to talk about this. I try to scramble for her love too. She tries to bully me as well. She will get in my face and be demanding over ridiculous things. She loves the idea that my Mom is afraid of her. She keeps my mom in that position.  We were dismissed, a burden for my Mom. Mom resented having to do anything for us. She was resentful if we were sick and needed care. She didn't want to take me to get stitches when I split my foot open. She was of the mindset that, "If I didn't get it from my mom, you're not getting it either." And here I am, always trying to please. I'll goes as far as putting myself down so she feels better about herself. She resents the fact that my birthday will sometimes fall on Mother's Day. She has gone as far as to pretend to forget my birthday. One year when she forgot my birthday she later said, "On my birthday I always call my Mom and thank her for giving birth to me." My parents have recently bought a home near me. I have done so much to help them. My Mom, who is very healthy, can't do anything for herself. She has taken on the victim mentality. She completely rely's on my dad for everything. She has had several back surgeries and I acknowledge she has a lot of pain. But she won't do anything. She will not make a phone call, pick out paint swatches or read a book to her grandchild. She will have an excuse as to why she can't do something. and it will be because of someone else. She never owns her choices.

My Mom and Dad have been married for 58 years. She has worn my Dad down. He now takes out on me what my Mom dishes out on him. I lived over 1,000 miles away...they just bought a house near me. It has been so stressful having them near me. But then I feel guilty for not scrambling to help because they are getting older. The best I can do is go no-contact for a short period of time. My Mom won't text or call first. So we will go awhile. I'm sure she is screaming at my Dad for the no-contact and then he is mad at me for going no contact. It's a vicious cycle. Right now, I'm no contact for a short time. I don't feel guilty. I think.

It's hard to write 54 years worth of crazy dynamics. I hope something in the above made some sort of sense.

Sincerely,
Gracefilled

[Methuen]

Hi Gracefilled
It makes perfect sense.

It's always been so hard for me to make sense of her behavior and what is not okay. What is abusive and bullying. I'm better at seeing what is not okay- but, I have guilt and patterns that put me right back at people pleasing behavior. I get so angry with myself. I'm 54 years old and I still struggle with this...My parents have recently bought a home near me. I have done so much to help them. My Mom, who is very healthy, can't do anything for herself. She has taken on the victim mentality. She completely rely's on my dad for everything. She has had several back surgeries and I acknowledge she has a lot of pain. But she won't do anything. She will not make a phone call, pick out paint swatches or read a book to her grandchild. She will have an excuse as to why she can't do something. and it will be because of someone else.

I'm curious if you had an opportunity for real genuine input into this decision for your parents to move close to you (i.e. an opportunity to express concerns without fear of consequences), or were you "informed" of the decision, and now you have to figure out how to react to it and live your life?  I'm guessing with a BPD it's the latter?  It would be with my mom. I am worried for you, because like all pwBPD, she sounds like a high maintenance mom.  I live 10 min away from a high maintenance mom.  It is really hard.  My dad passed away 15 years ago.  Are you comfortable at setting boundaries with your mom?  I have just started learning to do this.  It's hard for us kids (I'm 57) to set boundaries with our parents when we've been trained to cater to all their physical, social and emotional needs.  But we have to, or our lives will be derailed.  I'm sorry to hear how your dad is taking out on you what your mom takes out on him.  
 
Two things that have really helped me in the last year, is reading and learning as much as I can about BPD, and seeing a clinical counsellor.  I have learned a lot about BPD, I have learned a lot of strategies for how to communicate with my mom, but now I am at the stage where I'm starting to work on myself, and some of my own issues.  

I think having your parents so close to you is going to be really challenging.  You mention that you have done so much to help them.  I'm going to assume they are mostly settled in now, so are you able to start setting some simple boundaries and get back to living your own life the way you did before they arrived?
Please tell us how we can help
  
  

[GaGrl]

We can definitely help and support you if you want to work on boundary-setting that will create a space for you to take care of yourself, your family, and your parents.

My 93 year old motherboard lives with us. She has a couple BPD traits but certainly isn't full-fledged PD. That being said, we went through a three-day silent treatment last week due to holding some boundaries that were being disrespected.

It's not easy, but there are tools and a path forward.

[marianyoon]

my mom has the victim mentality as well.

with breast cancer cured already, she said she is the one who needs care and attention all the  time.

i  am so fed up with it too.

i just hope that you realize you don't  need  to  be a pleaser.

i  have blocked my mom with her phone and text  messages  cuz  the mere fact that she might call me or text  me causes me   to  have a short of breath from time to time.

i  have always been a good daughter for the entire  of  my life ending up being the worst daughter in  the end from my mom's view.

she never fails to underestimate  me.

from  her point of  view, i don't always satisfy her criteria.

i  just hope you realize  you would never succeed  to satisfy nor please her.

hope the best for you.

[Gracefilled]

Methuen,

To answer your question- It's complicated. I sort of had input. My parents live in the Midwest near my sister. I live in Florida. My husband and I have been married for 29 years. We were a military family moving all over the place (18 times). Our last assignment was here, in Florida. We decided to retire here. Our boys started High School here and our daughter started first grade. We chose stability and the advantages of living here permanently. Over the course of the last 7 years my Mom has been complaining, griping, throwing temperature tantrums about how all of her friends get to snowbird in Florida. How they never get to enjoy a winter home. Poor me! It's her nature...The victim behavior is always present. Over the last 5 years I have been sharing with my Dad the research I've done on her behavior. How her verbal abuse and behavior is not normal. We discussed them buying a winter home and how it may not be a wise decision. He has been ready. He loves to golf. He is a do-er. He is a very spry, young in attitude 80 year old. He is always busy. But who wants to deal with all the complaining and verbal abuse in a new city far from home. Her bucket can never be filled. My Dad and I can never be enough. We have both been rescuers. We both get her back lash. My Dad has, at times, put me in a triangle position and I have called him out on it. I know now that I need to go directly to the center of the triangle and stop the insanity. My Dad is trying to understand this but it's difficult. He's been with her for 60 years. They came last thanksgiving. While I was at work, they drove through a neighborhood, found a house (not planned) and called the realtor on the sign. Decided to stay an extra day and have me see the house. He gave into my Mom and Put an offer on it. Came back in January and lived with us for 3 weeks. Wow, It was stressful. I was so mad I agreed it would be a good idea. Mom has been  awful. She doesn't want to help, all she does is complain. She is very unhappy. She doesn't like change. She wants my Dad and I to do everything for her. The house has been a fixer upper. She didn't want to pick out paint. After my daughter's therapy I went to the paint store, picked up paint chips and brought them home. She said she wasn't interested. My Dad said it wasn't his job to choose the paint. I should have never stopped by Sherwin Williams. My whole life has been a Sherwin Williams Trip...making things right. Picking out the perfect colors. Being the do-good daughter. I'm done! They were here for three months. They drove back home April 1. Not once did my sister text (she's deaf) and ask how things were going. How Mom and Dad are settling in. In fact, she never asked me about their new house and why and how they decided to buy. I almost think she may be angry. She uses them as her babysitters or when she needs something. She is the snarky, rebel daughter. My older sister. I believe she is a lot like my Mom. BPD? Narcissism? She is very selfish. It's her way or the highway. I have no support with my only sibling. Doesn't this all sound so weird!

I'm sorry you lost your Father. I'm sure you miss him very much. You have made me feel better. You and I are close in age and you stated you are working on setting boundaries. And yes, I am at the point where I am working on those boundaries. It's been a long process. I have a 12 year old daughter I need to set a good example for. My Mom does not like my daughter. She is jealous of the time I give to her. My Mom does not want to share me with anyone.  My Mom says some pretty dismissive things to our sweet girl. We adopted our daughter. She was born with a severe facial deformity and hearing loss among other things. Our girls is smart, beautiful and strong. She is also walking her own journey of abandonment and facial differences. Navigating kids who have bullied her and the middle school years. She definitely doesn't need her Nana bullying and dismissing her too. I'm very protective of our daughter. I have to step up my boundaries!

I've been reading a lot. It makes me so sad. As a child, I lived in a fantasy of having the best Mom. I created a lie of what I thought I had. How messed up is that. Now I grieve the Mom I never had or will have. It's like I'm reprogramming myself. Measuring out how I have been programmed to respond to how I should respond in a healthy way. When they were living with me...I became infected with shingles. I know my body was under a huge amount of stress. It was a wake up call.

I want to create healthy boundaries and be a good example to our daughter. I'm determined to get healthy and not get sucked into the F.O.G. To realize that I can't sacrifice myself for her happiness when I know deep down she will never be truly happy. I know it's not my job to be responsible for her happiness. The old messages are hard to destroyed and I start second guessing myself. Then I feel bad because she is getting older.

Thank you for your input and thought provoking questions. Just typing this out is therapy. It's helping me put my thoughts and feelings in order.

[Gracefilled]

GaGrl-

Thank you for your input. Working on healthy boundaries is my goal. And more importantly, working through the F.O.G. That is one of my biggest challenges. It's hard for me not to feel guilty. To feel like I am not enough. Or doing enough. My physical health has really suffered and I want to bring myself back to a healthy place.

You mentioned having 3 days of silence treatment. My Mom's go-to punishment my whole life has been the silent treatment. It about killed me as a kid. She will come to my house and give me the silent treatment when she doesn't get her way. About 10 days ago...I initiated a Zoom meeting with my parents and our three adult boys. We are spread out through 8 times zones. My Mom and Dad had a hard time navigating Zoom. My Mom was so angry and blamed me for their problems getting on. By the time they got on...it was over an hour after we had started. My Mom and Dad were both so prickly with me...one of my boys got off because he didn't want to see that. All three boys were busy with their lives. One was working from home and in meetings. Another was writing a final paper for a class and the other is in the Army and it was late in Germany and he had to get going. After they got off...she got ugly with me again and said something derogatory about the boys not spending time with her. she would never say it to them. She only reserves her toxic behavior at my Dad and myself. We have not spoken since. She has not texted or called and I just don't feel like reaching out. I don't think I feel guilty. But I question if this is okay for me not to reach out? I'm always second guessing myself.

[Gracefilled]

marianyoon,

Thank you, and everything you wrote...that's me. The only thing my Mom does differently...she does not call or text. She will blame me for her no calling or texting. She will not check on me or ask how we are doing. She will say..."I didn't want to bother you, I know how busy you are...I don't call people's cell phones...I never know when a good time to call is..."

I'm tired of being a pleaser...I don't know how to stop. So right now I'm pulling back.

How old is your Mom? Do you live close to your mom? Are you able to set up healthy boundaries.

I wish the best for you too.

[Methuen]

My whole life has been a Sherwin Williams Trip...making things right. Picking out the perfect colors. Being the do-good daughter. I'm done!

This!

I have no support with my only sibling. Doesn't this all sound so weird!

None of it sounds weird.  Sadly.  Maybe the silver lining is we are all able to find each other on this board, and share the weirdness in a kind way.  Find community support and help each other.  

You have made me feel better.

I'm glad!  

She is jealous of the time I give to her. My Mom does not want to share me with anyone.

This!  My mom once told me I changed after I got married because her relationship with me couldn't be the same.  She made it my fault I got married.  Then we had two kids and her piece of the pie got even smaller.  When my dad died, my life changed because I became her only source of "dumping" her feelings.  It sounds like you are an only child in a way, because your mom's behavior is high maintenance, and your sister is not involved in that.

As a child, I lived in a fantasy of having the best Mom. I created a lie of what I thought I had. How messed up is that. Now I grieve the Mom I never had or will have. It's like I'm reprogramming myself.

This!  It really messes with our heads once we become aware.

I know my body was under a huge amount of stress. It was a wake up call. I want to create healthy boundaries and be a good example to our daughter. I'm determined to get healthy and not get sucked into the F.O.G. To realize that I can't sacrifice myself for her happiness when I know deep down she will never be truly happy. I know it's not my job to be responsible for her happiness. The old messages are hard to destroyed and I start second guessing myself. Then I feel bad because she is getting older.

This!  Unfortunately our children are already young adults, and I found out yesterday from our daughter what the effect of my stress levels has had on her.  I have been told by her and H that I wear my stress on my sleeve.  I know it's true.  I needed to hear it.  It's something I can change and control.  My mother (my primary stressor) is not something I can control.  But I didn't start setting boundaries with my mom until an epic crisis about 6 months ago.  Yesterday I found out the hard way how the cumulative stress in my life has affected our daughter.  My H is supportive and will stand by me.  I am worried about my daughter.  Had I understood BPD, and stress management and boundaries over the past 4-5 years, I would hope I could have done a better job of always being kinder.  I guess what I'm saying is I did a lousy job of setting boundaries with my mom (I didn't have any), over time I became unhappy, and that showed up in my personality, and has affected my relationship with my daughter.  I believe its repairable, but oh I feel so bad I'm sick about it.  So I really respect how you are able to think of all this in advance, and say that you want to be a good role model for your daughter.  I didn't do a good enough job of taking care of myself, which should have also included setting boundaries.  But honestly, I didn't even know what a boundary was.

You have helped me too.  Moving forward, my goal is to be kinder to my family (H and kids), and keep boundaries with my mom.  It's really really hard.  But we will do it because it's the right thing to do for everyone, and it's the path to a better quality of life I hope!

[GaGrl]

I had to grieve the mother I wished I had, when I realized I would never have her. It was complicated and took me a while to figure out. My biological grandmother died late in her second pregnancy, of pneumonia -- my mother was only four years old. One of her earliest memories was seeing her mother in the coffin with the baby that they had tried to save. Two years later, my grandfather married an 18 year-old woman after a whirlwind courtship of two weeks. My stepgrandmother was uBPD/NPD and was in no way prepared or capable of parenting a six year old child. It was horrible.

What I admire about my mother is that she took everything in and made specific decisions about what she would and would not do and he as a mother. She really created herself as a mother. However, there were aspects she couldn't overcome, and I couldn't get past them to have a fun, trusting, close relationship with her -- it wasn't safe.

So it is what it is.