should I call them back?

[JogDog]

I have been estranged from my sibling (who has BPD traits) for a number of years. I set a boundary with this sibling years ago that I am only willing to talk to them directly if we work things out together in a professional setting, during family therapy. I moved myself and my immediate family fairly close to this sibling because I wanted to facilitate in-person therapy with them. Despite my intentions to work through this, they outright refused to attend therapy with me. They have maintained the opinion that they have never had a problem, and thus, I was the problem.
I have lived close-by for 6 years now, and I am in the process of moving out of the area in the next couple of months. My sibling and their family have been through a lot lately because they have a child that has serious health and medical needs. Out of the blue, my sibling called me and left a message yesterday. They sounded calm and said that they wanted to give me an update related to their child's recovery from a recent surgery. This is despite the fact that just a few months ago, when I last saw this sibling at a family event, their nonverbal behavior was cold, distant and angry towards me and the few words they spoke to me were harsh and condescending.  
I want to call them back and see if things are actually different and they want to work through things. (They have been living with my Dad recently, and I think he is trying to get my sibling to work things out with me.) I haven't called them back, however, and have been thinking about this for the last 24 hours since they called. I am wondering if I should call them back to find out about their child and open some sort of direct communication. I am sincerely concerned and interested in their child's recovery and I also want to be able to talk to them about my Dad, who is older and may need our collaborated help in the near future. I would like to be able to coordinate his care, if it is needed.
I know that I would be breaking my own boundaries if I call my sibling and talk to them directly. If I do call, I could ask if they are willing to attend therapy with me now, however, it would need to be setup through tele-health services.  I still don't want to have frequent communication with this sibling without professional intervention. I have also thought about emailing my sibling back to see if we can start a dialogue that way because it feels safer and easier to manage. This is the first time that my sibling has sounded sincere and interested in talking to me, however, and there are good reasons to have some direct communication with them, as long as it's respectful communication. I am going to respond one way or the other to their phone call (email, phone, or ?). I just don't know which is the best way to respond and how to go about it. Is it possible to talk directly to my sibling without undermining my boundaries and sending them the message that I am again open to being manipulated and disrespected? TIA for any ideas or suggestions.

[JNChell]

I think it’s ok to call and check up on things, but nothing will be different. A personality is a personality. It can only change with self awareness and identifying/accepting that there is a problem. Is your sister capable of doing this? Has she?

I’m not trying to be harsh, but it’s important to understand that this is her personality, and you can’t trust her words. When they’re being nice and friendly, know that something is up. Be cautious. I understand that this is a family member and you love her. There are resources that might help if you’re interested.

[Methuen]

Out of the blue, my sibling called me and left a message yesterday. They sounded calm and said that they wanted to give me an update related to their child's recovery from a recent surgery. This is despite the fact that just a few months ago, when I last saw this sibling at a family event, their nonverbal behavior was cold, distant and angry towards me and the few words they spoke to me were harsh and condescending.

A big clue here, is "out of the blue".  The more times I read that paragraph, the more antsy I get.   I believe that every behavior has a motivation, even if it's latent or subconscious.  

Also, if they wanted to give you an update, why didn't they leave that message on the phone, so you would have it, if it's that important.  The bit about getting you to call back after this much NC, seems like it could be a   or  .  

You have made your boundaries clear.  Sibling refused family therapy and said you were the problem.  You've lived near sibling 6 for years, and even a few months ago they were distant, angry, harsh and condescending.  Now all of a sudden, a friendly phone call?  You are right to have your guard up, and taking your time to be thoughtful in your response is very smart.  

There seems to be 3 things going on here:
1) Your boundary with your sibling
2) The illness of the child
3) Your dad (i) his role between you and sibling since sibling lives with him.  Is there a drama triangle here possibly?  What role does he play?  (ii) long term planning for your aging dad

I'm not sure if it helps to look at the problems separately, even though they are interconnected?

1)  

I still don't want to have frequent communication with this sibling without professional intervention.

Your values are your values for a reason.  Stick to that. You had good reasons to set your boundary.  Boundaries keep you safe.  So for this reason, your idea of email seems sound.  It lets you be thoughtful, slow things down, respond to the situation with the child, but still maintain your boundary.

2) You are genuinely concerned about the child.  Is the child going to recover?  Was the surgery a single temporary event, or is it a serious long term chronic issue?  Did the child have an appendix removed, or is the child terminal?  Keep in mind that sibling may be reaching out to you (via phone call) to have their own needs met.  In my personal experience, the BPD person makes every crisis about themselves.  They usually have trouble managing their super intense emotions right? (Even when my father was dying, my BPD mother made it about her).  If sibling is dysregulating right now, and you don't meet "siblings needs", sibling could turn around and use the child as a tool to accuse you of not caring about the child. That's the twisting and manipulation potential to get their needs met.  For this reason, I think your idea of reaching out with an email is a smart way to test the waters, especially if you make the email about the child.  At any time in the email exchanges, you can re-state your boundary about working through relationship challenges together with a therapist. My concern is that they could be using the child to pull at your emotional heart strings, and draw you back into  drama.  I genuinely hope it's nothing like that.  But gosh, you must have the boundaries you have for a reason.

Could the "calm" voice have been a manipulation?  My SIL has this sweet angelic voice which is completely phoney and disengenuous.  It's like she has a split personality - the sweet voice exterior, but the horribly manipulative and self-serving interior.  Sadly, I have learned I can't always trust sweet calm voices.  

I want to call them back and see if things are actually different and they want to work through things.

Would it be better to do this by phone or by email?

3) What role does your dad play in this drama between you and sibling?  

While there is a crisis with the child, I would stay silent about long term plans for your dad.  Once sibling knows how you feel about dad, any of that info can be turned and used against you.  If sibling is BPD, agreeing on care planning for dad (with dad's input) has potential to be a difficult journey, so I would guard your own thoughts, and use a lot of validating questions to feel out sibling.

Solve one problem at a time, if possible.  If successful with one problem, move forward to the next.  Wait until the child is fully recovered, and you are feeling safe with sibling (family therapy if lucky) before bringing up discussions surrounding plans for your dad would be my suggestion.

Lots of potential landmines.

You sound like you have a lot of experience.  Do whatever you feel is best for you.  Put your own well-being first.  That's what boundaries are for. We can reply to your thread and put thoughts and ideas down here (I'm always scared to make suggestions in a case like this), but ultimately trust your rational and wisemind as you know your own situation best.  It sounds like you have done a lot of good thinking already.  Mostly, I'm just agreeing with the ideas you put forward.

Let us know how this goes.  We are here if the situation turns south.

[zachira]

You are wondering about whether to return your sibling's (with BPD traits) phone call after being estranged for several years. I have two siblings with BPD and am low contact with them. In my experience in dealing with family members with BPD and learning about typical BPD behaviors, I would say that reestablishing contact with your sibling is all about setting appropriate boundaries to protect yourself and not let things get out of hand. If you were to return the call, I would let your sibling do all the talking and just listen. If you are disrespected at some point, than I would quickly end the call. I would say nothing about therapy, as people with BPD do not have the capacity to understand how their bad behaviors hurt others, and do not benefit from any kind of therapy that requires self awareness to move forward.

[JogDog]

I think it’s ok to call and check up on things, but nothing will be different... I’m not trying to be harsh, but it’s important to understand that this is her personality, and you can’t trust her words.

Thank you for the reminder. I don't think what you say is harsh at all. I agree that people's personalities are stable over time and I shouldn't expect them to be vastly different.

I think what I'm hoping for is that I am different. I have grown over the years and I hope that I can set and hold strong boundaries with this sibling while we communicate about my Dad's needs. In the past, I had stopped all communication with my sibling because I was not able to keep strong boundaries and maintain some level of communication open. I want to be able to coordinate some of the important decisions we need to make from this point on, however, so I'm ready to test my own abilities to navigate this challenging relationship.

Thank you so much for your reply! It helped me to clarify my hopes and also reminded me that the only thing I can control is me.

[JogDog]

A big clue here, is "out of the blue".    

I agree that this is definitely a clue and a red flag. I think that's why I was feeling the need for help from others.

There seems to be 3 things going on here...
I'm not sure if it helps to look at the problems separately, even though they are interconnected?

Thanks for breaking this down into different issues. It's simpler to look at them individually.

Boundaries keep you safe.  So for this reason, your idea of email seems sound.  It lets you be thoughtful, slow things down, respond to the situation with the child, but still maintain your boundary.

I did send an email, which took awhile to draft. I even called another sibling for insight before sending it. The sibling in question ended up just writing back and saying that I should call them. I did call and let them do most of the talking. That went ok and I found out that my Dad had left the home where he was staying during the stay-at-home orders. While she expressed concern about his safety and health, it sounded like she just needed to prove to me that it wasn't her fault. I kept my responses simple and affirming that she can't control my Dad, etc. When she started to turn the discussion on me and how she felt I was doing something wrong, I ended the call quickly and said I had to go. I felt pretty good about the call and learned that I am still triggered by this sibling AND I am also able to maintain boundaries.

2) You are genuinely concerned about the child.  Is the child going to recover?  Was the surgery a single temporary event, or is it a serious long term chronic issue?  Did the child have an appendix removed, or is the child terminal? ... If sibling is dysregulating right now, and you don't meet "siblings needs", sibling could turn around and use the child as a tool to accuse you of not caring about the child.

The child has health conditions that have required and continue to require extensive reconstructive surgeries (during physical maturity and growth). I definitely agree that my sibling may use their child's situation to their advantage and against me. I have had similar experiences with them in the past. I'm so glad that I was able to keep my boundaries on the latest phone call.

I am still learning how to keep / reinforce my boundaries and avoid traps, however, so I'm sure I'll be making mistakes at times. I think I'm ready to navigate some of this difficult relationship, however, in order to care for my Dad and learn how to keep myself and my family (kids) safe. I just want to take it slow because I'm not willing to sacrifice my own or my kids wellbeing.

Could the "calm" voice have been a manipulation?  

The calm voice usually is a manipulative tool, however, it also told me that the situation is so important to them that they are willing to forgo their critical-attitude in order to talk to me. Over the years of our estrangement, I have not allowed them to use other, more aggressive manipulative tactics to draw me back in. I'm willing to talk to anyone who will speak calmly and with respect. I just need to be able to end a conversation if those requirements are not met. 

What role does your dad play in this drama between you and sibling?  

This is such a good question! Since we are new to this particular situation and stage, I'm not sure about that role. I definitely agree that my feelings about my Dad can be used against me, so I will need to tread carefully and keep my feelings to myself (even from other people who may talk to my sibling).

I definitely agree that we will need to get my Dad's input along the way. That will be a challenge as well, since my sibling frequently takes charge of things and behaves as if they know best. I don't think I'll be able to fully protect my Dad and myself / my family. I think I'm going to need help to navigate these dynamics and priorities. I've been in therapy in the past, however, I'm not seeing a therapist right now. I think it's time to find a new therapist who can help me with these new challenges.

Solve one problem at a time, if possible.  ...Lots of potential landmines.

Thanks for the reminder to take it one step at a time. It sounds so much more manageable. I also appreciate the imagery of the landmines. I was thinking of the book "Walking on Eggshells" and I felt like everywhere I stepped was another eggshell. I think landmines, however, is more appropriate and affirmative symbolism of how I am feeling about this whole situation. ;)

Put your own well-being first.  That's what boundaries are for.

This is historically difficult for me since I have been codependent in the past. I feel stronger now, however, so I will be doing what I can to protect myself and my family.

(I'm always scared to make suggestions in a case like this)

I'm so glad that you did send suggestions. This is the first time I have ever asked for help outside of individual therapy. I'm so glad that others are there to give me ideas, challenge me when needed, and to affirm my own perspective. The hardest part of this relationship has been the gaslighting that has happened. Because of it, I often felt self-doubt, guilt and shame. I could really use the affirmation right now since I am testing my newly formed sense of self and confidence.

Let us know how this goes.  We are here if the situation turns south.

Since I don't have to be along anymore, I feel stronger. I can handle this and even deal with the mistakes I'm bound to make along the way. Thank you so much for your thoughtful and detailed response!

[JogDog]

I would say that reestablishing contact with your sibling is all about setting appropriate boundaries to protect yourself and not let things get out of hand.

Thank you for these thoughts! My phone call with my sibling went ok. Once I received an update about my Dad, they started to turn the conversation against me. I was able to end the call very quickly, however, before things got bad.

I think you are right about not mentioning therapy. In previous communication with my sibling, I have stated and reiterated my boundary about therapy. Whenever I would mention therapy, however, they would get intensely angry. That anger was frequently run on other people in the family when I wasn't willing to talk to them. Now, however, I think I just want to live my boundary. I'm willing to talk to them to care for my Dad but I'm not willing to be disrespected. I will continue to end discussions if I ever feel disrespected. Thanks for sharing and reaffirming my experience.