HELP Everything Is Fine This Morning and Now I’m Blocked

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Guys I’m freaking out here.

Everything was totally great these last few weeks. No fighting, no splitting. His grandfather died a few days ago and I was expecting a big split but he leaned into me instead of pulled away. I got a tiny bit upset with him this morning while we were chatting through Instagram messages but I didn’t think it was a big deal.

Went back to check just now and I’m completely blocked. Both my Instagram accounts are blocked and he’s also blocked me on Facebook. I tried texting him but for all I know he blocked my number too.

WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK.

In all of our up and downs and even during our worst breakups, he has NEVER blocked me on social media. I’m so angry and so hurt and confused.

I left him a voicemail but like I said who knows if he will even get it. What the hell do I do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Intrigued04]

Hi!
I have been in your situation before and also came out of nowhere. My friend that I have known for almost 10 years I suspect has BPD. He never used to block me but over the past year or so, it has become something he does frequently.
The first time it happened, he blocked my phone number after we had an argument. I didn't know I was blocked until months later. When I realized I was, I would message him and ask why and he would never reply. When I did have a chance to ask him in person he couldn't really give a reason. He just said I make him feel... instead of stating an emotion, he held his hands up in frustration. From that point on, it'd seem that he'd block me if I was upset my texts were ignored, but more often it had to do with his gf's who were bothered by our friendship. My guess is that it's a form of control over his emotions or to avoid confrontation. I feel like it's the child's version of a temper tantrum. It's frustrating trying to rationalize behaviors from individuals who view the world so much differently than us.

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Thanks for your insight and reply!

I’m just so frustrated because he has never ever gone to this extreme and we have had fights that have been wayyy worse.

I’m also so unbelievably angry because since learning about BPD a few months ago, I have tried EVERYTHING to make it easier. I completely changed my ways of reacting to him, I swallowed my anxieties and fear and showed up over and over with love. No matter how ridiculous he was acting, I was kind and supportive and emphatic. I’m so freaking confused because it seemed to be working! Instead of splitting and breaking up for weeks or months, he would be upset for a couple of days before coming back.

But at the same time, I feel like his reactions are getting more extreme (just less short-lived).

My other question is, how do you forgive and move on when hurtful things happen? I feel like I’m in love with two people- one who is completely wonderful and sweet and kind and caring and loving and another who I don’t recognize and (for lack of a better word) loathe. I don’t want to give up but I don’t know how much more of this I can take. At the same time, I also want to remember this is BPD and not completely his fault...if that makes sense...

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UPDATE:

He blocked my phone number too.

[Intrigued04]

I feel the same way about my friend! We had arguments in the past and it never came down to blocking behaviors.
I feel like in my situation, the longer I stick around and the closer we become the more their fears are triggered. I feel like I'm always being tested. Similar to you I also feel like there have been more situations that trigger him then there ever used to be.

I feel like they don't expect anybody to stay in their life and they get confused when you don't leave them like everyone else.

To answer your question about forgiving, I try to remind myself that mentally they are like children and they react to how they feel in the moment and they easily forget the situation after it occurred. My friend will not communicate with me. I think he is intimidated because I am a confident strong woman with a voice and who doesn't enable. I use the SET technique when issues come up but I have to text him because he won't talk with me. For me, as long as I communicate to set my boundaries, I can comfortably move forward.

My friend is a great person with a big heart and it helps when I remind myself that he struggles every day with this and he's doing the best he can.

[once removed]

I got a tiny bit upset with him this morning while we were chatting

what happened?

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what happened?

He left a comment on an old Instagram photo and I thought he was making fun of me, so I told him that he wasn’t being funny and I didn’t appreciate it at all.

Then he replied and said he didn’t mean it like that and he was just trying to joke around. Then I just said “lol oh okay good” and I completely changed the subject. He didn’t reply to any of my other messages after that and a few hours later I realized what had happened.

I know BPD already causes extreme reactions to small things and I’m wondering if his grief over his grandfather (he raised him and was like a parent to him) was just all-together too much and I accidentally tipped the iceberg?

I was fully expecting him to split when we learned of his grandfathers passing. I knew it would be hard. He surprised me by leaning in and letting me comfort and be there for him. Now it’s just gone to the extreme opposite end. Like I said, I have never been blocked before so this feels extremely severe

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I feel the same way about my friend! We had arguments in the past and it never came down to blocking behaviors.
I feel like in my situation, the longer I stick around and the closer we become the more their fears are triggered. I feel like I'm always being tested. Similar to you I also feel like there have been more situations that trigger him then there ever used to be.

I feel like they don't expect anybody to stay in their life and they get confused when you don't leave them like everyone else.

To answer your question about forgiving, I try to remind myself that mentally they are like children and they react to how they feel in the moment and they easily forget the situation after it occurred. My friend will not communicate with me. I think he is intimidated because I am a confident strong woman with a voice and who doesn't enable. I use the SET technique when issues come up but I have to text him because he won't talk with me. For me, as long as I communicate to set my boundaries, I can comfortably move forward.

My friend is a great person with a big heart and it helps when I remind myself that he struggles every day with this and he's doing the best he can.

Thank you for that! I’m sorry you’re struggling with the same issues!

I agree when you say that they can be like children throwing tantrums and to treat them as such. I guess I just feel like I’m really running low on compassion these days. These last few months have been HARD and now this.

I guess I’ll just wait and see if I even hear from him again...his splits have always been temporary but I really don’t know about this one...

Would you be willing to share a boundary and how you communicate that to them? Especially if they aren’t speaking to you? I really realize I have no boundaries or am bad at enforcing them. I’m scared it will push them further when things are already tough. But for my own mental health, I need to really get good at this!
Thanks again!

[Intrigued04]

Sorry to hear that he blocked your number also. It's so frustrating when you want to talk to somebody very kindly and they shut you out. It makes those feelings more intense when you can't release them. And it is hard to maintain compassion when your running low on emotional energy.

My guess is that when you told him you didn't appreciate the comment he made on your photo, it made him feel bad. He probably doesn't want to hurt you and thinking that he may have, caused him some shame? It's easier to cut you off as a form of self preservation or to make you feel bad because you made him feel bad.

In my situation, my friend and I trained at the same gym so I see him all the time. He would cut off communication but I would still go to the gym and do my thing and not bother with him unless he initiated. He would always open lines of communication again as long as I didn't pester him about it.

I remember one time we had a fun day together and the following days at the gym he distanced himself from me. At one point I went up to him and asked why he's avoiding me and he denied it. It's almost like they literally have no idea that they're even exhibiting these behaviors because it's so engrained as a protective mechanism. I basically messaged him and said that I cared about him as a friend but if he continues to treat me like I don't exist then I'm going to put my energy into the other friends that aren't treating me that way. I would see a difference for a short time but because those behaviors are unconscious, they would come up again.

I've learned that they respond more to action than to words. If I'm overwhelmed or I don't feel I'm being treated fairly then I distance myself until he comes back. What helps me is remembering that their actions are not attacks against us but reactions to their own feelings. In no way do I think he says in his mind, that he's doing these things to make you mad or get back at you. In his mind he may be sinking I made a mistake or I did something wrong and now I feel embarrassed or ashamed. It's so difficult to cope with. We are here for you!

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I've learned that they respond more to action than to words. If I'm overwhelmed or I don't feel I'm being treated fairly then I distance myself until he comes back. What helps me is remembering that their actions are not attacks against us but reactions to their own feelings. In no way do I think he says in his mind, that he's doing these things to make you mad or get back at you. In his mind he may be sinking I made a mistake or I did something wrong and now I feel embarrassed or ashamed. It's so difficult to cope with. We are here for you!

This is actually extremely true! He shuts me out most when he feels embarrassed (or I guess shame is the stronger word). I appreciate you saying that it’s not an attack against us- I do agree with that.

Of course, I wish it were different and that I wasn’t always the variable in this equation but I appreciate the reminder that it always has very little to do with him.

I’m going to keep my distance. Old me would have hopped in her car and started driving the 7 hours to his worksite just because she couldn’t sit with the anxiety. New me will try to wait patiently in silence for a few days before deciding to reach out or not.

UPDATE: I’m still blocked on social media but my number has been unblocked. I called just to check, FULLY expecting it to go straight to voicemail but to my surprise it started ringing . I panicked and hung up on the second ring haha. Hopefully he doesn’t decide to reblock me after that...

[Intrigued04]

That's a positive: being unblocked! It's like they put you in time out but it's more for them than for us. I would just occupy yourself with other activities or people and let him come to you. It's easier said than done because your brain wants to replay every action figure out what went wrong. Let us know how it turns out!

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That's a positive: being unblocked! It's like they put you in time out but it's more for them than for us. I would just occupy yourself with other activities or people and let him come to you. It's easier said than done because your brain wants to replay every action figure out what went wrong. Let us know how it turns out!

Thanks for your reply! I just got a text from him which I’ll copy and paste below. Any tips on how to reply would be greatly appreciated. A few things to note are it’s very long and when he talks about maintaining relationships for his son, he means with his ex-wife not with me. And “completing this commitment” means he has 3 weeks working away in another province at a job he hates. He’s been gone 7 months already and it’s been  very hard on us/him...

“ I have no idea what came over me, but I reacted in an immature and extreme manor. I don't know how I feel right now, and it's about many things, not just one. Truthfully I want to be alone right now. Seriously alone. I don't want to explain myself but I will remain a devoted father and maintain those relationships that are necessary for me to do that. Otherwise I'm taking a step back from all else. And that's all I know right now. I'm sorry you must be beyond angry and upset, I'm sick and burned out and sore and unbelievablely sad but I'm focusing on completing this commitment and staying safe and healthy and fed while doing so. So I don't have any more energy. I don't even know what to say. But I'm sorry things are this way between us now.”

[Intrigued04]

That's nice of him to acknowledge his behavior and be honest with you. My friend never ever communicates with me. I feel like it's hard for him to recognize his emotions let alone put them into words. I wish my friend would be that open.

My suggestion for a reply would probably be the comment on how you appreciate his honesty because you felt confused and shut out by his actions to block you. Or something along those lines based on how you were feeling. I would probably respect his need for space because since they have strong emotions they need more time to process them. Perhaps you could reassure him that you're always going to be there to help and support if he needs to reach out at any time. Maybe you could also explain how much you care and how important he is to you and as much as you would like things to be different, you respect his decision to work things out on his own. Just a thought

[paperinkart]

That's nice of him to acknowledge his behavior and be honest with you. My friend never ever communicates with me. I feel like it's hard for him to recognize his emotions let alone put them into words. I wish my friend would be that open.

My suggestion for a reply would probably be the comment on how you appreciate his honesty because you felt confused and shut out by his actions to block you. Or something along those lines based on how you were feeling. I would probably respect his need for space because since they have strong emotions they need more time to process them. Perhaps you could reassure him that you're always going to be there to help and support if he needs to reach out at any time. Maybe you could also explain how much you care and how important he is to you and as much as you would like things to be different, you respect his decision to work things out on his own. Just a thought

Thanks so much. I know it must have been hard for him to even express that. Here’s what I was thinking of saying:

“I really appreciate you being honest and vulnerable with me. I was angry yesterday but mostly because it was so sudden and confusing. I’ve calmed down since then and just want the best for you.

 I know you’re feeling so many different things right now. You’ve been feeling some of these emotions for a long time and now you’re tackling grief too. It’s not easy and I’m here to support you if you need it. As much as I want us to lean into each other when things get hard (instead of feeling like we need to be isolated), I’ll respect your need for space. Please know you can reach out at any time. I’ll always be here for you.

I’ll check back in next week just to make sure you’re okay but in the meantime, please take care of yourself and remember that you are very loved.”

I’m not sure about sending that last part about checking in in a week. I know I should leave it up to him but I think my own heart needs a future event so it’s not just completely open-ended. Any thoughts again are greatly appreciated!

[Intrigued04]

I think that sounds nice! If you say you'll check on him in a week or so, that may comfort him to know that you'll be there. I think it's good that you recognize all his emotions too!

[once removed]

i like your message.

id leave out the part about next week. it sounds obligatory. you made very clear youre here for him and the ball is in his court.

stepping back is the strongest move you can play.