New to co-parenting with suspected bpd without diag. -- court order for therapy

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This is been a roller coaster.  The final straw was when she split and pulled a knife on me and told me I deserved to die. Long story short, she called the police and lied about me grabbing her by the neck and slamming her to the floor.   They arrested her for aggravated assault.  She has refused to speak to me for 2 months.  However she agreed to my custody settlement.  She's is doing quite a lot to drain me on all fronts.

The thing is, out of 2 therapist and a joint therapist I sought out, for me, thinking I am the problem. Two out of three made me aware of the probability of her bpd.  She refused to go to all by 5 couples sessions in 2 yearsbbut is now ordered by court to seek therapy related to depression and anxiety.  She  go-to therapy thinking I am doing something wrong.

I have primary possession of our 11mo son. She has been so absolutely ruthless to me emotionally.  The day before the assault we were planning our wedding.  I haven't seen her since. She refuses to communicate and will speak through attorneys (expensive) or her friend and mother. (Enablers).    

The court ordered LPC Is experienced but her credentials are absent if any kind of bpd experience.   My concern is that she will pass under the radar. She is extremely poised when needed I'd like to write to the counselor and make my experience is know known to her in hopes it will better address her care.  

It's an invasion of privacy but I feel my son deserves a healthy mother. She forced me to choose custody because refuse to have my son in that situation. What can I do?

Ok

[Gregget]

This is been a roller coaster.  The final straw was when she split and pulled a knife on me and told me I deserved to die. Long story short, she called the police and lied about me grabbing her by the neck and slamming her to the floor.   They arrested her for aggravated assault.  She has refused to speak to me for 2 months.  However she agreed to my custody settlement.  She's is doing quite a lot to drain me on all fronts.

The thing is, out of 2 therapist and a joint therapist I sought out, for me, thinking I am the problem. Two out of three made me aware of the probability of her bpd.  She refused to go to all by 5 couples sessions in 2 yearsbbut is now ordered by court to seek therapy related to depression and anxiety.  She  go-to therapy thinking I am doing something wrong.

I have primary possession of our 11mo son. She has been so absolutely ruthless to me emotionally.  The day before the assault we were planning our wedding.  I haven't seen her since. She refuses to communicate and will speak through attorneys (expensive) or her friend and mother. (Enablers).    

The court ordered LPC Is experienced but her credentials are absent if any kind of bpd experience.   My concern is that she will pass under the radar. She is extremely poised when needed I'd like to write to the counselor and make my experience is know known to her in hopes it will better address her care.  

It's an invasion of privacy but I feel my son deserves a healthy mother. She forced me to choose custody because refuse to have my son in that situation. What can I do?

Ok

[kells76]

Hey Gregget, welcome to the group!

"Roller coaster" is a good way of describing your experience; wow. Wedding planning to arrest in <24 hours... yup, just wow. I can say you're definitely in the right place here -- we all have our own different crazy stories of that whiplash experience. You're not alone.

There are some positives I see in your story already that I think put you on a solid foundation to withstand your son's mom's dysfunction:

They arrested her for aggravated assault.

she agreed to my custody settlement.

I have primary possession of our 11mo son

As sad as it is when your kid's mom is arrested -- and it just makes sense to need to feel grief, or anger, or loss, or any number of feelings about that situation -- it also shows that law enforcement rightly recognized who was the instigator. This leaves you free to protect your son. Your instincts are right on:

refuse to have my son in that situation.

I see your question at the end, about how to shine some light on her disorder to mental health professionals. This can be tricky -- we don't want to come across as "armchair psychiatrists" and yet I do understand wanting to "put it all on the table" and not try to cover for someone any more.

There's a Calif.-based child psychologist named Dr. Craig Childress who has done lion's work around PD (personality disordered) parents and how that impacts how they interact with and see their kids. He has a LOT of material on his site -- https://drcachildress.org/custom-page/1-parent-resources/ -- and he has written some "form letter" type stuff about how to communicate to professionals. Search for "letter" on that page and see what looks like it fits.

The article I go back to over and over, and which you can start to read now, even when your son is so young, is "Ju-jitsu Parenting". It's about how when the other parent is so disordered, we have to totally rethink how we parent our kids, and make some non-intuitive moves (like how in ju-jitsu, instead of "punching back", we "use their energy against them" instead). Here's the link: https://drcachildress.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Ju-jitsu-Parenting-Fighting-Back-from-the-Down-Position-Childress-2013.pdf and I think part 1, about communicating to professionals, could help you out, too.

What else can we help you with? Just let us know. Here if you need to vent, brainstorm, talk, anything.

Cheers;

kells76

[worriedStepmom]

You are doing the right things to protect your son!  This is really hard, but you are taking the steps you need to take to make a good, safe home for your child and for yourself.  You are important too.

You asked about sending a letter to your ex's therapist.  That did not work well for us.

I have a stepdaughter (SD12) whose mom is undiagnosed BPD (uBPD). H got primary custody 2.5 years ago.

Since then, uBPDex has intermittently gone to therapy, and each time she asks H to tell her what she needs to do to "get her baby back".  2 years ago, he sent a letter directly to her T, giving examples of specific behaviors that were negatively impacting SD.  The T read the letter to uBPDex.  This triggered a HUGE dysregulation that lasted weeks.  It also led to uBPDex firing that therapist a few months later.  uBPDex wanted a T that would validate her feelings that she was a good mom and the victim of a dastardly plot by H and me.  Once the T figured out that uBPDex's behaviors were problematic, uBPDex was not willing to see her anymore.

A year later, uBPDex had a new T and asked H for advice on what they should work on.   H sent screenshots of problematic text conversations between uBPDex and SD and recommended she share those with the T.  She didn't share any of it.  It contributed to a major dysregulation that resulted in her being involuntarily hospitalized for a week. 

H has decided that he will no longer participate in anything like that.  If she wants to become more healthy, or become a better parent, it's on her to accurately describe her own behavior to a T.  If she won't acknowledge that she has a problem, then she will not do the work to get better.  It doesn't matter how many therapy sessions she attends.

You may have better luck...but only if your ex is open to feedback from you AND willing to make changes.

(Our situation is better at the moment.  uBPDex was in a psych hospital twice last year and lost overnights with SD.  She is now behaving better.)

[zachira]

You are worried about the mother of your son whom you suspect has BPD passing under the radar. Your concerns are more than justified. Bill Eddy, a lawyer and a social worker, is an expert in dealing with people with personality disorders and how not to let them manipulate the court system and other people. I highly recommend all his books which are sold on Amazon and his articles which are available on the internet.
You might want to consider asking for full custody of your son, as it sounds like his mother is a danger to you and your son, and that is not going to change. Mothers with BPD often have very little capacity to be emotionally available to their children and for the most impaired mother with BPD, it can be a relief to not have any responsibilities when it comes to parenting. At the very least, her visits with your son need to be supervised because of her past well documented dangerous behaviors, and this is something your lawyer can request at a custody hearing.
I admire how you are doing everything you can to be the best father you can be to your son. I grew up with a mother with BPD, and I would not wish for any child to have to spend time alone with a parent and anybody else with BPD.

[ForeverDad]

I applaud you for somehow managing to have primary custody of your toddler.  Clearly your professionals saw that her poor behaviors rose to a level where they became actionable.  Too many fathers face a system where Mother gets default preference in so many ways.  In my case, I started out as alternate weekend dad but did manage after nearly six years (!) to become Legal Guardian.

The take-away from the above is to make your goal to keep as much parenting and custodial responsibility as possible.  This is not a time to hope being overly fair, nice and generous in sharing parenting will mollify her, much less fix her.  Sadly, if she detects that then her perception, already skewed, will be that your boundaries are weak and an invitation for her to sabotage and overwhelm them.  So the advice is to "not let your eye feel sorry" for her predicament.  She's an adult.  She is responsible for her actions and consequences.  The reality is that you can't fix her.  You can't even make her get better in therapy.  (Odds are she will never become the mother you want her to be.)  Yes, you can support that she gets therapy but you have no assurance that she will apply it long term in her life.  As worriedStepmom emphasized...

You may have better luck...but only if your ex is open to feedback from you AND willing to make changes.

Please read zachira's post often, the comments are perhaps stronger than you had expected but they are totally practical and essential.  (The fact that courts are generally reluctant to grant full custody, at least at first, does not invalidate your need to consistently advocate for your child's best interests, both short term and long term.)

Others will post here too with additional thoughts and perspectives.  We have an immense wealth of hard-won experience and strategies.  We've seen what usually works and what usually doesn't work.

As difficult as it has been for you, you have also been exceedingly fortunate thus far:  You are you child's Primary Parent.  Few fathers here manage to get a head start as good as yours.  Never ever think about 'gifting' parental authority back to your ex.  Why?  Because either you will have a hard time getting it back, or your child will become a method she uses to control and punish you.

Though your impulse will be to demonstrate how nice and sharing you are, understand that the professionals don't care whether either parent is overly fair, overly nice or overly giving, as though gaining points means something.  Just be a good and protective dad.  There's a saying here, "The parent behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the parent behaving well seldom gets credit."  If she gets consequences, good, but you can't count on always getting credit for your proper care of your child.