What unexpected things have you gotten from your experiences with pwBPD?

[Ziggiddy]

The roller coaster ride that happens when you have involvement with people with BPD is often marked by pain, frustration and confusion.

However, along the way many people learn things about themselves that they never realised before. Although we may wish we had never been through this, there are some benefits from having gone through the challenges.

What areas do you find you are more competent in or feel more comfortable with?
In what ways are you better than you were before?
What were your growth moments?

[zachira]

Having so many family members with BPD, both in the immediate and extended family, has forced me to face a lot of pain and to grow in many ways that most people will never have the chance to. I have compassion for people from different cultures, people who seem to be completely different from me in so many ways. I also have anger about how I am mistreated by my family members that when I channel it into the right kind of actions sometimes helps others. My challenge now is dealing with my siblings with BPD who have decided to not let me have any of my mother's things. How we behave with those closest to us is the most challenging, and I am accepting that I am not perfect nor can I control what others do though sometimes I can set boundaries that make others behave better than they normally would.

[Panda39]

I'm on these boards because of my Partner's uBPDxw.  I arrived here very angry.  I have learned to let go of the anger and have surprisingly developed compassion for his ex particularly as a mom.  She has alienated both of her daughters. D23 is NC and D19 is LC.

I feel for her but compassion does not equal trust...there is still no trust, that needs to be earned and sadly I have seen no change in her behaviors in 10 years.

Panda39

[Methuen]

Learning about BPD, processing it as it relates to my uBPD mom, learning new BPD friendly skills, and being determined to live my own life, has enabled me to become a more balanced and  less reactive person.  I can be quite exciteable, so managing that has always been a challenge.   Now I breathe a lot deeper and slower - more often Like so many others, I have a ton of compassion, but I now invest it in volunteering to help others through a non-profit organization, after accepting that I can’t help my mom.  Seeing her poor choices which have lead to weakness and a habit of falling, has also motivated me to do strength training and be more physically active.  I have a ton of flaws, but in these ways, she has motivated me to do good things.

[SepiaScarf]

This is a great question!
Between my two parents, I have gotten to see exactly what I didn't want in terms of a spouse and FOO relationships. Having such a strong sense of what I was willing to accept lead me to a great man and marriage.

I have had to take a hard look at myself in this process learning what triggers me, how to work through those emotions, it really helped me open up and be able to talk about what I am feeling and not just bottle it up until I explode.

I think it's making me more compassionate in general.

I think it's making me a better mom, the trauma of it makes me parent differently than my parents, to be more research-informed, to search for skills, to be willing to learn skills.

SS

[PeaceMom]

I’m finally learning that being a mom doesn’t mean sacrificing myself for my kids (this idea is deeply embedded in my conservative Christian community). For years, I honestly believed being the best mom meant placing my 4 kid’s needs before my own. I did this for 20 years, until I couldn’t. I felt like a failure...

Therapy has provided the paradigm shift I so desperately needed. The notion that I was as important as my kids was shocking to
me. My resentment grew year by year as I placed my kid’s needs above my own (btw all 4 have struggled with MH issues).

I’m learning about boundaries and ways to protect myself so I can let the resentment go.  I’m also empathetic to a fault, so I’m learning to not jump in with everyone around me when they are drowning!  I can holler in some coaching plays, , but I refuse to be the human life preserver anymore.