Some sort of relapse in mental health, will things always be like this?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I hope people don't mind me making another thread. I seem to be going through a strange period in my life where I have had to cut people off which has left me with one friend - she is understanding but sometimes I feel bad for going on about this to her.

Yesterday I had to go to the doctor's, my mental health is just terrible at the moment. I don't know why it's deteriorated again, could be the stress of uni and also it's obviously just things about my ex resurfacing.

I often think about that day when she became angry at me. I was I admit not in a great mood. I have thought about it though, and I don't think I could have done anything different - 'mood' was always a trigger for her and even if I had tried to address my mood, she would have still blamed me for something. She wasn't a very compassionate or understanding person.

So I just buried my mood and tried to get on with what we were doing. I was also stressed about deadlines, and didn't even want to be going to her sister's house to chill out when we were meant to be studying, and which was the original plan. I wasn't able to tell her that, because of how controlling she was, and how she would have interpreted it (that I didn't like her family), and just how she was overall. I couldn't have said "babe, I don't wanna go, I'll see you next week" - for so many reasons.

She was so inconsistent that I felt I had to grab any time with her that I could. She could have taken that as a rejection, and blew up at that. I don't know. I didn't feel able to communicate with her openly. I feel nervous at the best of times being outspoken, I'm a people pleaser, but with her it was exacerbated 1000 times over.

So she picked up on my mood, but instead of trying to be understanding or patient, she just got angrier and angrier and then exploded in front of everyone, and blamed me. So you know, I do feel that it was my fault. She said it was, and probably still thinks it was, so maybe it was. But I didn't ask her to explode in front of everyone, and I have never seen that happening before in my life. She threatened to call the police if I didn't leave, when I was already leaving. She told me I'd humiliated her, when actually I hadn't? I was the one who was humiliated? I feel sick even thinking about it. I can't tell what even happened that day. All I know is I was dumped, blamed, and eventually cut out of her life. And I don't feel like I'm ever going to get over it.

She has blocked me everywhere and ignores me. Is it shame? Remorse? OR does she just not care? I can't even approach her. Too late, uni is almost finished and I cannot risk any further dips in my mental health. My therapist says that it doesn't matter what my mood was, that her reaction was her choice and that's true. The family didn't even know anything was wrong until she started shouting. I wouldn't have minded if she'd been upset and scolded me in private, but  that was just all really weird and traumatic.

I remember for weeks after I'd freeze whenever I saw anyone who was wearing a similar jacket to her, and was having severe panic attacks when I'd even think about seeing her at uni, or seeing pictures of the uni online. I couldn't even go in. It was a nightmare for me. For some reason I'm just having some kind of relapse and it makes me feel like this is how things will be forever.

[clvrnn]

I hope people don't mind me making another thread. I seem to be going through a strange period in my life where I have had to cut people off which has left me with one friend - she is understanding but sometimes I feel bad for going on about this to her.

Yesterday I had to go to the doctor's, my mental health is just terrible at the moment. I don't know why it's deteriorated again, could be the stress of uni and also it's obviously just things about my ex resurfacing.

I often think about that day when she became angry at me. I was I admit not in a great mood. I have thought about it though, and I don't think I could have done anything different - 'mood' was always a trigger for her and even if I had tried to address my mood, she would have still blamed me for something. She wasn't a very compassionate or understanding person.

So I just buried my mood and tried to get on with what we were doing. I was also stressed about deadlines, and didn't even want to be going to her sister's house to chill out when we were meant to be studying, and which was the original plan. I wasn't able to tell her that, because of how controlling she was, and how she would have interpreted it (that I didn't like her family), and just how she was overall. I couldn't have said "babe, I don't wanna go, I'll see you next week" - for so many reasons.

She was so inconsistent that I felt I had to grab any time with her that I could. She could have taken that as a rejection, and blew up at that. I don't know. I didn't feel able to communicate with her openly. I feel nervous at the best of times being outspoken, I'm a people pleaser, but with her it was exacerbated 1000 times over.

So she picked up on my mood, but instead of trying to be understanding or patient, she just got angrier and angrier and then exploded in front of everyone, and blamed me. So you know, I do feel that it was my fault. She said it was, and probably still thinks it was, so maybe it was. But I didn't ask her to explode in front of everyone, and I have never seen that happening before in my life. She threatened to call the police if I didn't leave, when I was already leaving. She told me I'd humiliated her, when actually I hadn't? I was the one who was humiliated? I feel sick even thinking about it. I can't tell what even happened that day. All I know is I was dumped, blamed, and eventually cut out of her life. And I don't feel like I'm ever going to get over it.

She has blocked me everywhere and ignores me. Is it shame? Remorse? OR does she just not care? I can't even approach her. Too late, uni is almost finished and I cannot risk any further dips in my mental health. My therapist says that it doesn't matter what my mood was, that her reaction was her choice and that's true. The family didn't even know anything was wrong until she started shouting. I wouldn't have minded if she'd been upset and scolded me in private, but  that was just all really weird and traumatic.

I remember for weeks after I'd freeze whenever I saw anyone who was wearing a similar jacket to her, and was having severe panic attacks when I'd even think about seeing her at uni, or seeing pictures of the uni online. I couldn't even go in. It was a nightmare for me. For some reason I'm just having some kind of relapse and it makes me feel like this is how things will be forever.

[Cromwell]

Hi Clvrnn

It is a challenge and a half but keep reaching out and gather that support, it will make a difference.

who knows what she thinks or why she did, maybe she felt ashamed about the over-reaction later, maybe she had some deep insecurities triggered at that moment in time, it is a hard question to answer.

How is taking a break from the gym doing? Have you found it helpful in any way.

[babyducks]

Hi Clvrnn,

Sorry to read that you are having a tough time.     Hang in there.    You are important and you matter.

She has blocked me everywhere and ignores me. Is it shame? Remorse? OR does she just not care? I can't even approach her.

clvrnn,   at this point, it's not about her any longer.     looking to her or for her to provide answers to your hurt will not bring resolution.   it will bring more hurt.     I think you know this.    I think that intuitively you understand it's about more than what happened or didn't happen at her families house.    it's okay to think about her.   it's okay to grieve the relationship.     it's okay to miss her.     but not at the expense of your own peace of mind.  how do you feel about working on acceptance?   acceptance that the relationship is over and that it ended badly?     it seems to me that in the past when you have felt more comfortable you have had more acceptance that this is beyond your ability to comprehend.

I often think about that day when she became angry at me.

I remember for weeks after I'd freeze whenever I saw anyone who was wearing a similar jacket to her, and was having severe panic attacks when I'd even think about seeing her at uni, or seeing pictures of the uni online.

it sounds to me like you might be having emotional flashbacks.   have you ever heard of them?     I have them.     sometimes they are difficult to manage but they can be managed.

basically emotional flashbacks happen when something triggers the emotional reaction of an old hurt.   it could be some like seeing some one wearing a similar jacket.    it could be a place.   it could be a food.    or a song.  sometimes the trigger isn't clear.    it could be nearing the end of university and not having the resolution you crave.   

there is a great workshop here about emotional flashbacks:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315252.0

take a look.   a lot of it is written for those who grew up with BPD/NPD parents,  but I found if you remove the lines "in childhood"  they can apply to us who have experienced the trauma of a mentally ill relationship.

take a look at step 8:

8. Resist the Inner Critic's catastrophizing. (a) Use thought-stopping to halt its exaggeration of danger and need to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self -attack into saying no to unfair self -criticism. (b) Use thought -substitution to replace negative thinking with a memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments.

are you working on replacing negative thinking with more positive thinking?    how does that go for you?    what have you tried that works?     

you can find a way passed this,... to a more comfortable spot.   I know it doesn't feel that way now but you can.   and you will.   

'ducks

[clvrnn]

it could be nearing the end of university and not having the resolution you crave. 

It is this. I am actually terrified of not seeing her again. Even though we weren't even talking, her presence was still there. She has been for three years. I had been thinking about the last day of term and wondering what I do - I don't know anyone that well, so do I just say "bye" to people and walk out? I keep hoping that the end of uni will make her say something to me, and I think the thought of her not doing so is what has triggered this, yes. That's the trigger.

I know in my head that there isn't anything she could say to help. This is the end result of any interactions I've ever had with her - nothing. She can't provide anything to help me. I know.

I struggle with working on acceptance. Sometimes it does come and I accept things, and it doesn't bother me that she has me blocked etc. When those moments come, I do try so hard to hold on to them, but they just keep getting interrupted. I bought a book that has a section on replacing negative thoughts by writing a list of pleasurable things and 'thought-stopping' the negatives with something from that list, which does work when I apply it. I think it just takes more practice.


The quote you've provided does look really helpful. I will take a more in depth look shortly, those things do help, but sometimes I just get very distressed. Thank you for ofering me support again, I really value and appreciate it.

[babyducks]

That's the trigger.

that's okay clvrnn.   that's a perfectly normal trigger to have.    I think that's completely understandable.

there is no one perfect way to detach from these relationship.   there is no one right way to move on.      what works for one person might not work for another.    and feelings of acceptance will come and go.   that's natural.      don't beat yourself up for having them interrupted.     

get back up, and try again.   give yourself credit for even getting through university … that's a huge accomplishment.   tell your Inner Critic to  off.    you are doing the best you can and a good job.

'ducks