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Woolspinner2000
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« on: March 14, 2020, 09:02:12 PM »

I met with my attorney Friday, and I signed the dissolution papers. DH signed the day before.

It's necessary for my legal protection, and yet It's very sad to see the end of a marriage. I still believe in marriage, but I don't believe in an abusive marriage, and it is unhealthy for me to return to my marriage. It's such a mixture of emotions. This is the funeral for something that died some time ago.

Wools
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« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2020, 10:10:18 PM »

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post) It really is a mixed bag, ending a marriage.  I felt much the same, none of us enter into marriage planning to end it.  I also felt that my marriage had long been over by the time I actually left.  I still care about my husband we have a shared experience and shared child but also know that we don't work together.  I know leaving was the right thing for me...for all of us...ex and son too.

How are you doing?
Panda39
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Woolspinner2000
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« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2020, 08:25:29 PM »

Hi Panda39Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Really nice to hear from my fellow PSI animal.  Kwamina would probably say something about birds of a feather sticking together, but in our case it's the PSI animals sticking together.  Being cool (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
How are you doing?

Thank you for asking. Yesterday and most of today I've been doing pretty well. I'm sad of course.

Tonight I'm more down than I was. DH has already sent me 2 emails since he signed the papers. Per my T's suggestion some time ago, I forwarded the emails on to a friend (without reading them) to screen for me. They're typically so very triggering to my tender heart. The blame game just keeps going on, and I want to put all the game pieces in a box, put the box lid on tight, and donate it to Goodwill or put it in the trash. I don't like that game anymore; not that I ever did, but now I know how the game was played to take advantage of me. 

She relayed to me that he doesn't want to talk with me anymore, but he has things that must be said. He wrote an email, philosophical in nature, to a professor explaining all about my childhood and sent a copy to me, and I guess that explains why our marriage broke up. Then his other email was to ask me to reconsider and pay 50% of the property taxes on the house and half of his utilities. The separation agreement states that he is responsible for those. I don't live there anymore and haven't for a year. When the house sells, the taxes will be taken out of the sales and divided up between us anyways. No, I don't want to pay for his living there.

I'm sad that he continues on with what I consider attacks, but most likely what he considers facts and truths. Then that he's now decided he won't talk to me, when he said that a divorce leaves the couple hating each other, and he wanted to avoid that by going the dissolution route. I guess I will always be at fault in this. I know that abuser's don't take responsibility, and that he has to save face and look good, or better than me at least, and not be at fault for the divorce. I don't want to carry that load, so I shall work once again at not taking it on. As we say on PSI, sometimes none of it is our fault, and I need to put the responsibility where it belongs.

Tender, vulnerable hearts are the bane of those of us who grew up with a BPD parent. But then those hearts are also often kind and caring too.

Woolz
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« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2020, 08:40:59 PM »

I'm glad to hear you have someone screening this stuff, you don't have to read his communication if you don't need to and you most definitely don't need to financially support him...I know you know this already.
 
What have you been doing to take care of you?  With all the restrictions due to Corona Virus things have gotten limiting and interesting but I hope you are able to do some things that help you through this. 

I've been reading for pleasure, quilting, and watching the new season of "Outlander".

Panda39
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Skip
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« Reply #4 on: March 16, 2020, 11:18:22 AM »

And now on to another chapter in the book of life...

It's hard. Better times are coming.
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Woolspinner2000
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« Reply #5 on: March 17, 2020, 09:11:30 PM »

Panda, I have been trying to get back into some exercise and last week I went to the park and was able to walk a couple miles each for 4 days. It was nice enough to put in 2 miles last night and tonight. I'm working on my grandaughter's baby quilt. She's 4 years old. My friend says it's going to be a graduation present.  Being cool (click to insert in post) Mostly I work more than 40 hours a week, eat a small supper when I get home, pack my lunch for the next day, do dishes and go to bed. I need to start adding happy things in.

Soon the house will be up for sale and I can be done there. In fact DH texted today and said we should've put the house on the market yesterday. He wouldn't list until we signed papers. They would have been filed yesterday. So now he's ready. Very like him.

Skip, thank you for your words. I guess it is a bittersweet thing to be ending this major chapter of my life, but the pages of a new chapter, blank and ready to be written on with the next part of my life, is there. I just don't know what that will be. Sometimes I have hope. Other times I'm still afraid to hope.

Excerpt
Better times are coming.

I hope so. I really do. I'm still in the 'in between' stage.

Wools
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« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2020, 10:59:30 AM »

Hey Woolspinner, I admire your courage to get out of an abusive situation.  It is sad to see the end of a marriage, yet it's even sadder to stay in a relationship that has become untenable.  It's a gut-wrenching process, yet in my experience leads to greater happiness.  Suggest you treat yourself with kindness and compassion.  You have been through an ordeal and it will take time to heal, so be patient.  You are on the right path!

LuckyJim
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« Reply #7 on: March 18, 2020, 06:44:29 PM »

It takes strength, wisdom, and courage to break out of learned patterns and take steps to protect yourself from mistreatment Wools. You have much insight into your situation and while it is sad, it is also a time of growth for you. Growth can be painful, but the results can be spectacular. I believe that you will come out on the other side of this and be able to look forward with happy expectations.

It is sad and frustrating when our former partners continue to be blind when it comes to the role they played in the downfall of the relationship. Honestly, though, if they were unable to do it before the relationship deteriorated to the point of no return, then it is unlikely to happen now. Just more confirmation that you made the right choice to do what is best for you. That doesn't mean there will not be sadness around the choice, but take solace in the fact that you will be able to heal.

We never know what plans God has for us next, but I believe that He is good, and He knows what path He has laid out for us. Prayers sent your way Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #8 on: March 18, 2020, 09:46:03 PM »

Wools,
I have admired over the years how you just hung in there, kept reaching out for answers with therapy, posting about your challenges and helping others on this site, making major changes in the ways you think and what you do. So often we want the relief from an abusive situation to come more quickly than it does, yet with determination and hard work like you have done, the relief does come. Though you sound a bit sad, I also hear new lightness to your step. You have a lot to look forward to.
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« Reply #9 on: March 18, 2020, 10:01:23 PM »

Woolsey,

It is sad.  I hold on to what the Deacon in my church had said ... 

Marriage vows can be turned into a weapon by the spouse who knows he can do anything abusive and other spouse still will not leave because of the "marriage vows'. 

It was super sad for me too...  not 4 years later, I'm at peace and see better the dysfunction I lived in my marriage. 

I am a better dad now. 


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Rev
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« Reply #10 on: March 18, 2020, 10:13:32 PM »

Hi Wools,

There's a lot on this thread and so I'll just reach out.

I pray for you that you have the journey that you need and that you know that the Spirit of Peace is with you. The Apostle Paul wrote that the Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words.

It's a mix of feelings isn't it? Signing those papers, doing what you know what is right and just and even then knowing it isn't what you might have wished for. And yet, we do have that opportunity to grow into a life we were meant to have - one where our partner roots for us and asks us to root for them - not out of a need to give and take, but to simply "be".

You are such a deep feeling and thinking and real person and you have done so much for me here.

Be well tonight my friend. You've earned peace.

Rev
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« Reply #11 on: March 19, 2020, 10:30:45 AM »

Excerpt
Marriage vows can be turned into a weapon by the spouse who knows he can do anything abusive and other spouse still will not leave because of the "marriage vows'. 

Nicely said, Sluggo and/or Deacon at your Church.

Agree, marriage vows are not a license for one spouse to abuse the other.  I'm a loyal guy, yet found my loyalty was misplaced with my BPDxW.  My kindness was used against me.  No more.  My task is to never again be the object of anyone's abuse.

LJ

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« Reply #12 on: March 19, 2020, 06:14:09 PM »

You all have been so kind and caring in your responses to me.  With affection (click to insert in post) Thank you! I truly do love this board and the camaraderie and deep care we offer to one another. Anyone who has ever had some kind of connection to a pwBPD grasps how critically important it is to have someone listen, stick with them, express kindness, and help them learn to trust again. All that is offered here. 

I have my afternoon cup of tea (my current brew is "Assam," my consistent favorite...but then I have many other favorite teas too  Smiling (click to insert in post), and I have some sweet potato turkey chipotle chili simmering on the stove. If I have enough energy to cook now and again, I always take it as a sign that it's a better day for me. When you live by yourself, you try to find friends to share your cooking, with otherwise you eat it forever! The weight of detaching from someone we care about tends to drain so much energy out of a person, so for today, I'm thankful that I was able to make something good to eat. I have learned over the past months to stay in the moment so much more.

I worked at the office this week, and today I switched to remote access. It was nice because I can get up at 5:30 or 6 to start work and be done early. That lets me get online here earlier which is so nice. I plan to remote until we get through this whole virus situation. I am so thankful to be able to do this because I know not everyone has that ability.

Excerpt
It is sad to see the end of a marriage, yet it's even sadder to stay in a relationship that has become untenable.
Lucky Jim, you've got that right. I hated to see the official end but I couldn't go back. There's a book I've read throughout the past months The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick where the author says that sometimes you have to declare the marriage dead. You can sit around and hope the dead person will come back to life (or a marriage in this case), and sometimes you need to call the time of death and move on. As a Christian, I hung on even longer because of all that entails, but I think that actually just made it all the more difficult. I've had to ask myself if abuse is any different if it is in a Christian family/spouse setting than not. I actually think it's worse because abuse takes what you believe about God and Christianity and turns it upside down. You learn to think that God is like your abuser, whether it is a parent with BPD or a spouse/significant other. I'm having to rewrite so many beliefs, false beliefs, that I thought were true.

zachira, we've walked a lot of this journey to healing together, haven't we?  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Excerpt
So often we want the relief from an abusive situation to come more quickly than it does, yet with determination and hard work like you have done, the relief does come.

It can be so excruciating to hold on through one...more...day...of dysfunction. But one thing is for sure about us survivors of BPD: we are resilient! That's a good deal of what has allowed us to keep going. The next steps are to not stay stuck there in the pain, but to move forward. I have moved forward through my unpacking of the influence of my childhood upon me, through an abusive marriage, and now it's time for the next part of the journey: healing from my marriage. I think I have spent much of this past year getting strong enough to not go back and, of course, grieving. I believe a good portion of the next step is to heal from the words, the heart piercing hurtful words, that were used to 'define' me. To see myself as an "I'm really doing well" person. In the Survivor's Guide from our PSI board here, it will be the later steps on the list. When I started, I was at step 1.

Excerpt
Marriage vows can be turned into a weapon by the spouse who knows he can do anything abusive and other spouse still will not leave because of the "marriage vows'.

Sluggo, thank you so much for this!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) How very true! I was out walking my 2 miles today before the rain came, and I was thinking of how much DH has changed over the years. He went from taking time off work to help me get settled in as a new wife to someone who used his position as the head of the house to manipulate and abuse not only me, but also our children. So much of it was an egregious misuse of his position. I'm not trying to put the guys down here. Women can be awful too, like my uBPDm was. In my marriage, it was DH who was the abuser. Spiritual abuse and manipulation is one of the worst ways, imho.

Rev, this reminder is good, touching my soul deeply:
Excerpt
the Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words
I know that the heart of God hurts when we hurt. He is the rescuer, the Shepherd who leaves the 99 to go and find the one vulnerable sheep. He is for the oppressed; over and over we see that.
Excerpt
Be well tonight my friend. You've earned peace.

Thank you.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
 
Through all of this, I am not sorry for the 35 years with DH. I am sad for the abuse and how I was never valued for who I am, but I have 3 wonderful children, and I learned. I learned about myself and didn't turn away from what I saw. I wanted better for myself, for my children, and even for DH. He didn't want better for himself, for us, and I must allow that to be one of the honest truths I draw from this and once again, learn and grow.

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Woolsie
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Woolspinner2000
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« Reply #13 on: March 19, 2020, 07:28:04 PM »

I Am Redeemed, I forgot to respond to you too!

Excerpt
It takes strength, wisdom, and courage to break out of learned patterns and take steps to protect yourself from mistreatment Wools

Thank you, IAR. It takes so much work to challenge the entirety of my life, the messages I learned before birth through this current time. To change who a person is from the core when we learned unhealthy patterns, wow! I told my T that this divorce/dissolution is not as hard as the journey to healing from my uBPDm's influence and also of my abusive dad. I think that puts it into perspective.

Excerpt
Growth can be painful, but the results can be spectacular.

It often takes pain to grow, doesn't it? I suppose that we might also say that quite often, without pain we wouldn't grow. At least not willingly. If we could easily learn from others mistakes, then I think it would be so much easier!

Excerpt
if they were unable to do it before the relationship deteriorated to the point of no return, then it is unlikely to happen now

This is one of the beliefs that I've had to challenge. For so long I hoped and prayed for DH to change, but there was very little change. He believes that he did go through some change and is healthy, that he's getting healthier all the time, and that we were already so distanced that he said he wouldn't have known what healthy looked like with me. His continual focus is that my childhood is the issue, and you're right that it's frustrating to recognize that he will most likely never see his part.

I also agree that God knows our path, that He planned it out before we were born. It is His path that I want to follow.

 With affection (click to insert in post)
Wools
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Woolspinner2000
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« Reply #14 on: April 01, 2020, 08:46:18 PM »

I think it was after my last post that I heard from my attorney that the papers were filed with the court. When I read the email from him, I found myself exhaling, and it felt as if I had been holding my breath for a very, very long time. It was a great relief, to know that the process is nearly done. I hadn't known how much I was just holding myself together, surviving, through so much of this past year.

Since we signed, DH sent two emails and there have been quite a few texts. Some of them were bullying me, to try and get me to help pay for his expenses at the house and add an amendment to the dissolution agreement. I saw his actions for what they were, a tantrum, trying to manipulate me once again. I didn't budge though, and I was so thankful his signature was already on the agreement. I wasn't unkind; I stayed firm and said, "No, I will not pay for your utilities or the taxes." I didn't feel bad about it either. There's something wonderful and empowering about stepping away from the "feel bad club" finally!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Then in the next week we finally signed to put our house up for sale. It went on the market last Friday. We've had people going through it, but no offers yet. I'm praying for it to sell soon.

Almost there.
Woolsie
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« Reply #15 on: April 01, 2020, 09:22:47 PM »


Excerpt
. I wasn't unkind; I stayed firm and said, "No, I will not pay for your utilities or the taxes." I didn't feel bad about it either. There's something wonderful and empowering about stepping away from the "feel bad club" finally!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Yes so empowering for me to be honest and say what I really thought was fair or right or just my opinion.    I did not do that very much as my fear of conflict in our marriage.   

If I had been honest all along in our relationship, I probably would not have married, as she wanted someone who would say yes.  I was that person.  I lost myself doing so... so saying NO was an awesome feeling. 

Sluggo
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« Reply #16 on: April 01, 2020, 09:50:06 PM »

It's such a relief to ditch the guilt, isn't it? Especially when you know that guilt is a string to be pulled by someone who wants to get you to do something you don't want to do.

Not second guessing those choices is a huge victory for someone who was basically trained to fix things for others and to feel selfish if you don't.

Good for you!
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« Reply #17 on: April 03, 2020, 12:24:14 AM »

I think it was after my last post that I heard from my attorney that the papers were filed with the court. When I read the email from him, I found myself exhaling, and it felt as if I had been holding my breath for a very, very long time. It was a great relief, to know that the process is nearly done. I hadn't known how much I was just holding myself together, surviving, through so much of this past year.

Since we signed, DH sent two emails and there have been quite a few texts. Some of them were bullying me, to try and get me to help pay for his expenses at the house and add an amendment to the dissolution agreement. I saw his actions for what they were, a tantrum, trying to manipulate me once again. I didn't budge though, and I was so thankful his signature was already on the agreement. I wasn't unkind; I stayed firm and said, "No, I will not pay for your utilities or the taxes." I didn't feel bad about it either. There's something wonderful and empowering about stepping away from the "feel bad club" finally!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Then in the next week we finally signed to put our house up for sale. It went on the market last Friday. We've had people going through it, but no offers yet. I'm praying for it to sell soon.

Almost there.
Woolsie

Wools...still been paying attention from the shadows, but I figured I would momentarily jump back into the fray just to say...I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. Way to go! It's a big deal. Go YOU! Keep your head up and keep moving forward.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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« Reply #18 on: April 03, 2020, 02:03:50 AM »

Wools,

I am sad for you, but also happy.  It's complicated.  So much mourning of what could have been, what we'd hoped we'd have.  But also, the peace and freedom can be wonderful.  Detaching after so long, becoming less triggered by the e-mails, takes time.  Be patient with yourself.

Now that you've got some distance and peaceful time, what are you finding out about yourself?  How are you blossoming?

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

RC
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« Reply #19 on: April 04, 2020, 08:42:44 PM »

Thanks IAR, SC and Sluggo. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) So appreciative of your encouragement. It's interesting that when I speak to acquaintances about going through a divorce, I get the traditional, "I'm so sorry" response, and it's spoken with kindness and sincerity. At my Divorce Care group and here, there are "congrats" offered, and you are the ones who have walked through this with me. Each response is appropriate, I feel. There is definitely the sadness, yet also the rejoicing in stepping out of the abuse and control.

RadcliffVirtual hug (click to insert in post) How are you? Thanks for popping by, and it's so good to hear from you! Been a long time.

Excerpt
what are you finding out about yourself?  How are you blossoming?

I'm starting to discover more of why I do the things I do, those responses to the childhood trauma. It's the finally having a place of greater safety that is helping me to lower the constant vigilance, and that's giving me moments of time for greater introspection. It's good, and I'm not afraid of it. I'm starting to reach deeper into finding satisfaction with myself. Boy, that sounds super strange to say that! We can be okay with ourselves and what we do. We don't have to resort to the same old pathways anymore.

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Wools
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #20 on: April 05, 2020, 01:10:35 AM »

I'm glad to hear of the progress, Wools!  It's amazing how much feeling unsafe can get in the way of understanding ourselves and growing.  I didn't know how much until I found safety.

RC
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« Reply #21 on: April 05, 2020, 04:26:12 PM »

I'm glad to hear of the progress, Wools!  It's amazing how much feeling unsafe can get in the way of understanding ourselves and growing.  I didn't know how much until I found safety.

RC

Yes!  Wools you are an inspiration and I wish you ever blessing today! 

"Bon Dimanche" as the French say.

Rev
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« Reply #22 on: April 05, 2020, 04:57:35 PM »


I'm starting to discover more of why I do the things I do, those responses to the childhood trauma. It's the finally having a place of greater safety that is helping me to lower the constant vigilance, and that's giving me moments of time for greater introspection. It's good, and I'm not afraid of it. I'm starting to reach deeper into finding satisfaction with myself. Boy, that sounds super strange to say that! We can be okay with ourselves and what we do. We don't have to resort to the same old pathways anymore.

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Wools

This is perhaps one of the most refreshing things to see. I am so proud of you. You are going to be just fine. Choosing to be dynamic and not remaining static leads you to living a more fulfilling life for sure. You always have the power of choice. You learn. You adapt. You evolve. I think you are certainly in the evolving stage my dear. I send you a big hug because finding that mental place that you have is a big deal. You are one tough cookie and you have weathered the storm. You survived and you will come out better on the other side of it a new and improved YOU.

Cheers and best wishes to you Wools!

-SC-
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