needing some support

Hey everyone. I've been reading these threads for a while and definitely need a place to open up to feel heard and understood as well as finding an understanding community.

My exBPD and I had a 3+ year r/s. She attached to me after 4 days even though I was separated but still married. After a few months, she moved states to live with me and this forced the divorce (I think now intentional on her end).

Over the couple years, all the signs of BPD were there... never admitting wrong, deflecting, jealousy, ANGER, roller coaster emotions, splitting, go crazy until I would leave and then beg me to stay with sex... pretty much everything but the suicidal stuff (she would never be that way). When I asked her about her previous 10 year r/s and marriage, she only said that it "was a bad time in her life and she blocked it out" and that her and her ex "weren't in love anymore and just argued all the time" (now I can see why haha). No break up was ever her fault. She was the victim and after just 4 days of knowing her, I was her knight in shinning armor... for a little while at least.

Long story short, she had pushed me away in the r/s and caused a lot of emotional damage. I know as a co-dependent, I'm a little sensitive, but this was a lot of taking without giving, anger and emotional bullying, arguing, deflecting and avoiding any discussion that involved talking about the relationship or how to improve. After 3 years, I was unfaithful with my ex-wife. I told her about it and that it was a mistake and that I wanted to be with her and was hoping to work things out. She scorched earth my entire existence... contacted my friends, my work and blasted it all over social media.

That night, I had a 5-hr lambasting of how terrible I was and that she hopes I die alone, should never raise kids, etc. The next day, I got an apology and the day after that she was telling me that she missed me and wanted me to fly out to France with her for a whole month for work.

For the next 7 months, it was a roller coaster. I was patiently waiting and working on things while she would bounce in and out of the r/s. She would get close and then split and rage from the hurt of the affair. But by the end of it, we were on great terms for whole month. Talking about marriage and kids. Everything was back to normal and "i love you's" were flowing. We were better than we ever were.

The day after we had looked at houses together and talked about what wedding ring she would want, she text me that she needed a break. I obliged, and the next two days were messages of how hard it was, that she still loved me and wanted to be with me, etc. Then a couple days later, she was in Hawaii with some friends and I get a message that she only came back so many times because "I convinced her to" (which I never did) and only because I was "familiar". That the anger about the affair was "toxic to her life" and she needed to move on and we could never talk again.

A week later, she shows a relationship with one of the people from Hawaii and had only known for 2 weeks. It's been 4 weeks since and they are both planning on moving to CO together and posting all over social media. He is now the knight in shinning armor that saved her. I have been completely replaced by a seeming better option.

In ONE week she went from wanting to marry me, needing a break but still loving me, to in a new relationship with the love of her life. WHIPLASH! She always distracted herself when she was stressed or angry or sad or anything other than happy. She could never sit still in emotions and had a constant need for validation. Maybe this is just that? But she seems SO smitten and "happier than she's ever been".

The worst part isn't being replaced or comparing myself to this new person (which sucks!). It's the splitting and dissociation of the three years of love and talks of marriage and kids and kinds of support that are now completely eradicated from her mind. It's being forgotten and disregarded that sucks. I feel completely devalued and torn apart, even though a lot of me knows this is the BPD and just attaching to find self worth. The relationship starting with him is so similar to ours in its pacing, circumstances, etc.

The replacement is a 7 month widow of a 14 year relationship and I can only imaging she is giving him purpose and it probably feels so amazing to be wanted and loved again. She respected his grieving boundaries about as well as she respected my marital ones. He still posts about his wife on social media, wears his wedding ring and runs a foundation in her name. I can't image the BPDex is going to be ok with that for very long.

I feel horrible, but there are still some small angry parts of me that hope the honey moon phase ends and it goes down in flames. Or she does the same stuff she has done to me and her ex-husband... and it goes down in flames.

But then there is a larger part of me that just wants her to be happy. The part that truly loved her and still does. I feel like I'm better off and even struggled being in the relationship the last year of it because of the emotional beat downs and roller coasters, but I miss my best friend and the idea that I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. And at 34, starting dating again just feels like a total drag.

I don't think she is just finding the next victim, she's not a narcissist. I truly think she's splitting and seeing nothing but amazing white and all the strong feelings she felt for me are the same she's feeling for him. Strong feelings of attachment to fill herself worth up, not necessarily love.

Thank you all in advance for your thoughts and support.



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