Detaching

[Momma J]

My 23 yr old daughter just moved out. She and 2friends are renting a house we own. She has acted entitled and incapable of growing up and taking on all financial responsibility.  We are close to giving all to her. However, she procrastinates and has not paid health insurance( close to losing it) and desperately needs it. She has not shown that she can even open mail and deal with bills. She has a stack unopened.  I just can’t continue to do all of this for her. Any advise?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Welcoming you here MommaJ

These difficult people who share our lives can certainly upend us.  Has your daughter ever been diagnosed as having BPD or, like some of us here, suspect it to be the case?

You write that "she has acted entitled and incapable of growing up and taking on all financial responsibility."  You also write that you are "close to giving all to her."  I am confused.  Whatever the "all" means...it is yours...not hers...yours to give or not to give.  Your daughter is an adult and capable of making choices...sounds like she can throw all to the wind...maybe confident in knowing you are there as her safety net?

For sure having her lose her health insurance would be a biggie.  Far be it from me to advise you to not try to save her from that consequence.  With that said...can she not be left to learn from her other bad choices? 

For whatever reason, be it fostered by us and/or just in her make-up, our daughter exhibited the air of privilege.  Over the years we gave and gave...rationalized in doing that because she was a single mother...or because of one other reason or another.   While other children would have felt gratitude towards their parents...her respect for us was more and more absent.  Then came the day when I just said no to her request for more money.   It was indeed hurtful to hear what she said after that.  It has been hurtful that she cut us out of her life.  So-be-it!  I remember that first, sweet taste of what it feels like to be empowered...me in control of me...not her in control of me.

This has not been an easy journey for me and I am still a work-in-progress but I have regained my dignity and, hopefully, am playing a part in role-modelling to/for her.

So, so hard to be a parent at the best of times.  We all do the best we can...then try to do better when we learn better.

Wishing you better days ahead, MommaJ.  Hope you keep sharing.

Huat

[Swimmy55]

I thoroughly agree with Huat.  I don't have a lot more to add other than please remember you  are as important as your adult daughter .  Please keep that in mind moving forward.   
One thing i did was siphon off financial help after the restraining order mess with my son:  First I cut off cell phone, me paying his credit cards,  access to my streaming services, gym membership, etc... Finally after months I cut off his car ins.  This year, because he turned 26,  he is cut off from my health insurance. 
Maybe having a timeline may help you , but you are correct you cannot possibly keep giving all to the adult BPD.