New to group sister with BPD, parents enable her, can't handle it...HELP

[Rscs4]

Hi everyone,

I am new to the group and have pretty much reached my limit with my sister. She is 26 and I am 25 and she was recently diagnosed with BPD. We have always had a difficult relationship, but it seems like lately it has gotten so much worse. I find it is best when we just stay away from each other. She lives about 45 minutes away and I still live with my parents. We don't really talk that much, but she comes around a lot and when she is here my parents enable everything she does.

First some background. My sister with BPD (BPD sis) is extremely manipulative and has pretty much turned everyone against me. For years she has tried to convince my 13 year old sister (little sis) that I am a terrible person, and I cannot say it has not worked. Whenever me and BPD sis have had an argument, it is absolutely full of contradictions on her part. I honestly think she is incapable of seeing things from someone else's perspective and somehow manages to justify anything she does and make it seem like it is right, even though it is not. She never takes responsibility for anything, and I have never heard her apologize for anything. Her way of moving on from things is pretending that they never happened or simply "forgetting".   She can go from zero to 100 in a second and becomes so irrational emotionally abusive that I always come out feeling like a monster. She always says that she is doing nothing wrong and that I am the one that needs to change because she holds no blame for anything that is wrong in our relationship.

My parents enable her in everything. My mother knows BPD sis has bpd but I don't think she understands or even wants to accept what that means. She knows she has it, and knows that BPD sis is very difficult to deal with but she thinks the best way to handle it is to just let her think she is right all the time and that EVENTUALLY BPD sis will figure out that she is wrong. My father refuses to even acknowledge the diagnosis and thinks she is fine. This creates an impossible situation for me. Whenever BPD sis comes around, I am treated like the bad guy. Whenever an argument begins, I am always blamed, and they just defend her because my mother thinks that is the best way to handle things. She wants me to do the same, but I cannot do that. I refuse to let her push me around and that gets my mother really angry. It is like she lives in a fantasy land when BPD sis is here. When she is not here though, my mother agrees that BPD sis is terrible, but says to just "leave her be". It is an emotional roller coaster for me because I am the one who BPD sis attacks the most.

I recently started therapy but it is still in its beginning stages and BPD sis has decided to come stay with us for the time being because the COVID 19 situation is very bad in her state. She can work from home so she is always here. I have the option to work from home but choose to go to work every day because it is my only escape from her. I have given up on defending myself in my family and have resorted to just isolating myself from my family for the time being. For my own sanity I feel like I need to cut off all contact with her, which I have done before for a 1 year period, but my family does not agree or understand how or why I could do that. They don't see the emotional toll BPD sis take on me. I have broken into tears countless times since she has been here just this week, I feel like she causes me so much anxiety. I just don't know how to proceed with her. Any help or similar experiences you could provide would mean so much to me.

[gotbushels]

Rscs4   

Welcome.

I have broken into tears countless times since she has been here just this week, I feel like she causes me so much anxiety.

I appreciate what this may feel like. It's frustrating to have an environment where you are stuck with a BP. Not knowing what are effective and ineffective things to do, that would make me feel anxious and uncertain—anyone would feel that way. So of course you're not alone in this. Lots of us here have dealt/managed/are-managing people with BPD (or fit the mould).

I read a lot of anxiety and uncertainty in your post. Having survived a short horror-movie of a relationship with someone that fit the profile, I know a bit of what it may feel like for you.


A few suggestions from me.

I highly recommend you get a therapist (T) to support you. It's incredibly taxing for the person in the relationship (any defined relationship type) with the BP (these people are called the "non"s) to handle the BP—let alone improve a situation. Hence I highly recommend you get one. That's consistent with the board's recommendation too.

Spend time privately researching for someone qualified. Try them out. What was effective for me—I found it was much easier for me when I didn't tell anyone about this. I only shared it with the board, and someone I trusted but not related to my family-of-origin (FOO). Things blow up with some people (esp. BP's) when they find out that the non is getting help.

I just don't know how to proceed with her.

First thing I'd go to is learn basic "SET". It's one of the quickest and most effective ways to manage any situation BP.

Few tips for after you practice alone or with a friend (I've done this):

• Get all the elements out in order.
• Keeping quiet and coming back to SET is better than following your impulses to say something else or retaliate.
• Know clearly what you want in that 1 minute, then segue the SET into what you want. E.g., to exit the situation to "do something else", take the lead on it.

Third recommendation is self-care. Definitely do those and learn to do those. Things like massages, mani/pedi (if you're into that), walks in places you enjoy, enjoying great food, prayer. Self-support.

Any help or similar experiences you could provide would mean so much to me.

I'm hoping others will add to the discussion.

When things have settled down for you, please do have a look at the lessons. They'll be helpful for the long run.

I wish you peace and hope you'll share more.

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[shield-me]

Hi Rscs4, you are so strong for handling the situation with your BPD sibling. Keep strong