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Author Topic: Confused About What Just Happened...  (Read 542 times)
paperinkart
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What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Together (But It’s Tough Lately!)
Posts: 124


« on: March 30, 2020, 01:30:37 AM »

Hey guys.

I’ll try to make this as short as possible but am looking for some clarification and insight into what just happened between me and my uBPD partner...

Let me preface by saying he was a bit intoxicated when we spoke on the phone, so maybe that had something to do with it but not sure.

Him and his ex-wife share a little boy. His ex is remarried with more kids. She was pretty awful to him during their relationship but many years have passed and now we all get along wonderfully. The four of us (me, him, her, and her new partner) had a “family group chat” where we would all share photos, videos and updates on the child. Her and I had built a nice friendship- we went out for coffees and dinners right up until all this isolation stuff started. Anyway, seemingly out of nowhere, she started a new group chat without me. When my partner asked about it, she just said “this is just for the three of us”. She didn’t share anything in that group that I shouldn’t have seen- just regular photos like always.

Anyway, I was very hurt and confused about this but that’s kind of besides the point. When my partner and I spoke about it on the phone after, he just kept saying over and over “this is all my fault. It’s all my fault”. When I pressed and asked why, he said that it’s his fault for getting together with both of us and putting us all in this situation, and that if he didn’t date me in the first place, none of this would be happening.

It was very strange and just kind of made me angry that I was obviously so upset about this and now was having to try and comfort him. We hung up the phone but I called him back a little while later. I was audibly crying and he started talking about how his allergies were bothering him so much and he wasn’t feeling well. And then he was feeling sad about the state of the world and that he felt useless and sad. When we finally got back to the subject at hand, it was the same thing over and over “it’s all my fault, it’s my fault this is happening. You should be blaming me. I feel so awful. I feel so awful that you’re so upset”

Anyway, the whole thing was really weird. I’m obviously there for him during every mood and him feeling depressed is nothing new. Again, I’m sure the alcohol did not help at all. But I just don’t know what to call this or what it even was...? He ended up being the victim over something that really had very little to do with him in the first place.

When I put myself of his shoes, if it were me hearing someone cry over my family situation, I would probably also feel guilty. But it just seemed like...I don’t know, a bit much? Sorry I can’t describe it. It just really felt like he wanted me to agree to blame him for something that’s not his fault and the whole conversation was uncomfortable. I couldn’t agree and say “yeah, this is your fault!” but at the same time, didn’t feel like making him feel better when i also just wanted to be comforted.

I just don’t know what that was all about or how to handle it. Any insight is much appreciated!
« Last Edit: March 30, 2020, 01:39:13 AM by paperinkart » Logged
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pursuingJoy
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« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2020, 07:41:03 AM »

This hits close to home. I've been in similar situations and am building a blended family too. After making efforts to build a relationship with her, I also would have felt sad when a new group chat was started without me.

Your partner's response makes me sad too. Taking blame is something I do, a coping mechanism that helps me feel more in control of what's happening. Blaming, even ourselves, isn't helpful. Identifying responsibility and processing emotions are helpful.

I'm curious about the intent behind starting a new group chat with her, her new partner, and your partner. Any thoughts on the intent behind this?

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paperinkart
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What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Together (But It’s Tough Lately!)
Posts: 124


« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2020, 08:37:08 AM »

This hits close to home. I've been in similar situations and am building a blended family too. After making efforts to build a relationship with her, I also would have felt sad when a new group chat was started without me.

Your partner's response makes me sad too. Taking blame is something I do, a coping mechanism that helps me feel more in control of what's happening. Blaming, even ourselves, isn't helpful. Identifying responsibility and processing emotions are helpful.

I'm curious about the intent behind starting a new group chat with her, her new partner, and your partner. Any thoughts on the intent behind this?



Thanks so much for your reply!

The whole thing made me sad. And usually I am the one to take the blame for most things so I found it strange when he did it too. But ultimately, yes, it’s not helpful either way. I forgot this in my original post but when he was feeling the blame, he also said that he “should be in the care of professionals”. Again, it was all very strange. Maybe I’ll try to talk about it today when I see him later and see if alcohol was the culprit but I don’t want to have another circular conversation like last night.

As for the intent, I honestly have NO idea. Right before all of this isolation business, her and I were going out to dinner together and having coffee and running errands. I was thrilled to have been forming such a close friendship with her.

My partners been working out of province for the last 7 months and I made a lot of effort to take his son out for many fun “dates”, to give her a break and also to show him how special and loved he is. Her and I had been texting a lot last week and not so much this week but I didn’t think anything of it.

According to my partner, it is not out of the norm for her to decide she’s angry about something or other and do something like this, but it’s still upsetting. I could understand if the group chat was used to discuss something like finances or other personal matters that really only involve “true” parents, but so far she has just sent videos of the child playing with his brothers. It’s the same things she would post of Instagram- nothing I shouldn’t be seeing...

I know I’m not the child’s parent- I accepted that when me and my partner got together. I’ll never replace their bond but I feel like I have tried so, so hard to fit into and be a part of this family. Situations like this just remind me that no matter what I do, I’ll always be the odd one out or the “replaceable” one in the scenario.

I guess I’m just dumbfounded about the whole thing
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