Hell is a 3 letter word. BPD.

[Wrecked1]

Hi. I'm new in the neighborhood. I have a 29 y.o. son that still lives with me. He has BPD, intense isolating social anxiety, panic disorder, chronic depression, and tartive dyskinesia of the face all for past 10 yrs. He's been thru a plethora of meds, psychiatrists, therapists, ECT treatments, and Ketamine therapy.
In 2016, I went thru my 2nd divorce after a 10 yr marriage. My husband couldnt take my son anymore. So he left.  Im 59. I'm completely alone, I have no support even from my son's father or my 33 y.o. married daughter, who literally hasn't spoken to me in over 5 yrs ...because of my son...I think. That's another story though.
So after the divorce in 2016 ,my son and I were forced to move out of our home by my ex (my son's SD). I had to close my business, find a home, and find a new job. All while going thru hell trying to help my son who was agoraphobic, depressed and suicidal , and lived in a state of anger and rage that he took out on me. I became depressed and wanted to die. His anger lessened for about a year, but it's back with a vengeance now. And I don't know how much longer I can take it. It's like he's 2 different people. He is very remorseful and apologizes daily after his angry rants that start when he wakes up.
There is nothing I can say or do that is right. During those episodes, I'm a stupid, evil, condescending manipulative, etc etc idiot. Then he writes me long texts of apologies and says I'm his rock, I'm his only support, a great mom, he loves me so much, and on and on. His basic personality is a loving, compassionate person and it's like he becomes possessed. I cant handle it alone anymore. His dad doesnt even want to be around him, so he ignores our cries for help. I'm getting so depressed and worn out again. I cant go thru this anymore, especially without a support system. Thanks for letting me vent friends. I hope you are all staying healthy and safe in this war against covid19. It's crazy times eh?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[RedStarfish]

So sorry to hear about your situation. Am new here too. Sending you a virtual hug.

[Swimmy55]

Welcome , Wrecked.  You have lived my story . I, too was a single mom without any help from the father for years.  You can click onto my name ( or anyone's here) to find out more of my back story. 

I assume your son is opposed to therapy at this time?   More importantly, you are correct in thinking you need a network, that is true.  I had to cobble one together by having my own therapist , support groups the 12 step program nar anon  al anon( these are free , on line and help with detaching from the adult BPD child).
The first step is knowing you are obligated to take care of yourself- you are as important as your son.  Do you feel safe right now with him in the house?