Cat Familiar and JNChell - Yes, he will try to ruin my life I suspect. I could be wrong, but I would say there is a 50/50 chance. That might be hard to imagine someone as far away as he is to do, but I do not put anything past this guy when he is royally angered. I was stupid enough as well in the past to give him the contact info of my ex that I mentioned. My ex has some issues of his own, and my boyfriend knows this, and knows the right buttons to push. He was also himself apparently in a very dangerous situation with a crazy psychopathic guy who was manipulating him and doing very horrible things, and I suspect some of that trauma has integrated into his psyche even more, and I also suspect he uses some of these techniques on me as well.
The crazy thing about all of this is that he believes he is a loving man. He does not see any of his behavior as negative or abusive.
We communicate every day. Even though he is many many hours ahead of me, he wakes up when I go to sleep and vice-versa, but we have a routine. We usually try not to break it. If anything changes at all about this routine, it upsets the balance and can be triggering. He will know I am getting distant.
JNChell - you hit the nail on the head when you said,
It sounds like you’re trying to find a pathway out, but there are some things blocking the way. You have empathy, compassion and love for him, but you’re conflicted about who those feelings are for. Like you’re not sure if you really know him.
.
Exactly that! I feel as if I don't quite know who he
is. So much of this relationship has been over a vast distance, it is nearly impossible to form a coherent picture of him. I can't help but wonder what he is manufacturing, what he is painting for me to see, what he does behind the scenes. The whole thing has been dragged out for so long, due to difficulties, and his own difficulties being able to come to my country even, and for him to hold a job for a long period of time. He claims with the jobs, stress is always the reason, or some other factor, but he cannot see the disorder in his mind.
Before, at first I stepped away (we hadn't even met) and found myself by chance temporarily involved with someone else. It wasn't what I had thought it would be, and I missed him so much I returned. The other times, arguments were ensued, largely started by him refusing to forgive me for the leaving the first time, and basically just snowballed from there. At one point some other online friends I had at the time got involved, and the whole thing was a giant disaster, he then harrassed them one by one, and harrassed everyone he could get a hold of (including my aging mother) to tell them the worst possible things about me he could, to attempt to ruin my life. I cannot even remember how we ended up solving it. But that was one of the biggest explosions (and sustained! every time I spoke to him) I ever saw from him... He behaved like a monster... And called me the monster... And he still believes to this day he was right... Other times when I returned, I would leave for a few days, and he would harrass me with horrible accusations and pleading, and I would return, and he would gaslight me and be screaming at me. I twisted myself a few times for his sake then, which I regret - Admitting to half the stuff he accused me of (even though it was insane and wildly untrue) just so he would stop.
It makes one thing, why do I even go there at all? What made me return you say? Well, he has a way with poetic words, he has a way with intelligent conversations and the use of his mind and his dreams and visions for the future. Our mutual spiritual interest, his tendency to be very extreme in nature and very, very affectionate, etc. I never found it elsewhere, ever. The beautiful things about him are quite remarkable to me, and somehow captures me. Also that I have some serious health issues that most people do not want to have in their lives, thus I realized a while ago I wouldn't really be able to easily find anyone, let alone anyone with X and Y traits as he has.
I think honestly if I had better outlets, if I had more people I knew for example (difficult now with the coronavirus happening), if I had not been isolated already for so long as it is, I think it would be different and I would more easily be able to leave. But I think I am feeling quite stuck like this.
We had an argument the other day where he was attacking me for being too paranoid, untrusting, and "negative". But I was telling him this began because of him, how his nitpicking and negative reactions to me were what always triggers this mistrust. I couldn't keep it in again. He blew up at me, cursed at me, and threatened to break up with me, and nearly did. He has not done that in a while, but it is because I have been careful where I step.
We talked through it and he told me, surprisingly, for the first time I think - "Well jesus, you need to tell me these things, how can I improve myself if you don't tell me what I am doing wrong. How am I nitpicking you?" I did this before, but he never listens. He wanted exact, specific examples. (When I have tried that as well in the past, he just tried to maneuver around it and used "logic" to twist mental puzzles to try to make it seem like it was something I was doing). Of course right now I have generalities, I do not write down every single moment he speaks, and it is so overwhelming that by the time it is overwith, I am spent, done. He is an artist at emotional manipulation. He knows the right kind of pressure, intensity, mental acuity and mental prowess - and he knows how to target my weak points so that I have no more energy left, let alone memory of who said what. But I told him I would try to tell him when he is doing it. But he is on good behavior right now, who knows how long that will last.
I want to get out of this, I do, but I am so conflicted. I also want to show him what he is doing once and for all. I want him to recognize his behavior. I realize he may not. I know that if and when I have this "list" for him, he will just deny everything and do the exact same thing he did the other night, by projecting it all back onto me. Then he will vilify me utterly, he will probably try to take me down with the sinking ship, before (or hell, even maybe while he is yet) moving on to someone else.
Sorry this is so long, I guess I just needed to explain it.
