I still am suffering- 2 months no contact and I miss her

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Mod note: This post was split from the following discussion as it warranted its own thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=343670.0

We met about 7 years ago when we were living in the same town. I came to find out that she was in a committed relationship, so we didn't ever go out for that first year. About a year after meeting, she became single, but I was living across the country. We started talking more and more, and had some deep conversations over the phone. In my mind, I knew I was ready to settle down if I met the right person, and she was really starting to check off a lot of boxes for me during those phone calls.

She came out to visit for a weekend, and it went well. We started talking more and more after that, and then she came out to visit again a month or two later, this time for two weeks. That visit was awesome, and we ended up saying I love you by the end of that visit. I started to see some signs of her irritability, but the good was definitely outweighing the bad.

I then came to stay with her for two months while I had time off from work. We continued to get closer and develop stronger feelings for each other, and there was a super high level of physical chemistry between us. Also, I work in a very demanding industry, and it was very refreshing for me the way she showed how much she supported and believed in me. However, the more time we spent with each other, the more I saw what should have been major red flags to me.

There were massive double standards with her, as she would flip out if a female friend (with no previous romantic history) of mine contacted me, but I was supposed to be ok with her ex-boyfriend calling and texting and trying to get her back. She also tried to control which of my guy friends that I talked to and how long we would talk. She would yell at me for some of the dumbest stuff - like having the audacity to take a shower before asking her if it was ok if I did so when she was clearly not getting ready to shower herself. She would also frequently snap at me for asking innocent, reasonable questions that are part of everyday life (what time is that show on, which wifi network is ours, what time does that event start, etc.). Not to get too graphic, but she also started yelling at me at times while we were being intimate if I took too long to finish or didn't finish in the position she wanted me to.

All that being said, we were still growing closer together, and I was very much in love with her. I then moved back to the location of my employment, so we did the long-distance thing for the next year. She would come out to visit once or twice a month, and we also had some extended (anywhere from 2-6 week) visits in there. When we were apart, we fought all the time about me not talking on the phone enough to her, despite the fact that I was working long hours and still making time for at least one hour-long conversation with her every night in addition to 2-3 other conversations of 15+ minutes each. She became the first person in my adult life to hang up the phone on me, and that has happened hundreds of times since. Over the course of our relationship, she's told me she hates me dozens of times, told me to go F myself hundreds of times, told me she hopes I die, etc.

During one fight, I had a half-full hard plastic bottle of one-a-day vitamins sitting on the kitchen counter, and she actually picked it up and threw it at my head. It missed my head, cracking in half on the kitchen cabinet above me. She swore that she intentionally missed me with it, but I don't believe that.

She also had a knack for saying some extremely hurtful things to me during fights - painful secrets that I'd revealed to her from my past, and she'd bring them up again just to hurt me.

In my line of work, I'm frequently in the presence of attractive females, and she would flip out when she found out I was in the same location as them, regardless of whether or not I even talked to anyone.

She has intense road rage, and I know she's trying hard when I'm there to not be as bad with it, which is scary as to what it's like when I'm not there. I'd say 99.9% of our fights were started because she yelled at me for doing/not doing something exactly how she wanted me to.

Throughout this whole period, in calmer moments, she'd tell me that the root of all of the conflict was that she was really scared about the long distance between us and everything would be so much better if we lived in the same city. I was skeptical, because I know long distance can be stressful, but it still doesn't give anyone the right to treat me how she did, but I somehow bought it anyway.

We moved in together after that year, and instead of everything getting better, they got worse. She was yelling at me and criticizing me for everything - whistling a song while hanging out at home, sitting on the wrong couch cushion, not memorizing where every single item goes, taking up too much space with my stuff despite the fact that her things took up 99% of the place, etc. Tons of no-win situations, such as yelling at me three days in a row when I'd offer to help her carry something, as she'd tell me she didn't need my help. Then on day four, I wouldn't offer, and she'd go off on me for not offering. Or asking what I want for dinner - chicken or beef - and insisting that either one is fine. Whichever one I chose, she'd start yelling at me for choosing that. That pattern was repeated in so many areas of our lives.

She also continued to try to control everything I did - when I showered, when I slept, where I sat, etc. I was really starting to see her true colors at this point, as we were in her element and seeing each other every day. One time we were in the car literally 1 block away from my friend's house and had made plans to go over there, and she just refused to go, saying she wouldn't know what to say. So I had to make something up with my friend to cancel our plans. This entire period, she would insist that she was now really stressed out that I hadn't proposed to her, and she was worried that the reason I hadn't proposed is that she was too mean to me, so that's why she was lashing out at me. Somehow that made sense in her twisted logic. She insisted that if I proposed, everything would be better.

I wasn't even considering proposing at first, but then we had a good week about two months later, and I made the worst decision of my life by proposing. She even yelled at me the night we got engaged as we were leaving the house to go out. She yelled at me because we were leaving 1 minute later than she wanted to for dinner, and then yelled at me for not parking in the space she wanted me to park.

The first two days after we got engaged were amazing, and then everything got even worse than it'd ever been. She became even more of a raging monster, and now insisted that the reason she was being so mean was that she was stressed about planning the wedding, so everything would be fine once we actually got married. During one fight, which started because I dared to get in the shower without first getting her permission, she ended up taking all of my belongings and throwing them outside in the snow.

We continued to fight all the time, with no-win situations galore and tons of criticism and insults headed my way. We got in a big fight while being intimate the night before we were supposed to get engagement pictures taken. Same issues in that fight as mentioned above. I insisted that we cancel the pictures, and she lost it. Somehow I stayed in the relationship and we rescheduled the pictures.

We got in another huge fight on the way back from a vacation with her family. We'd agreed that we'd stay for a certain length of time, and then while we were there, she started pressuring me to stay an extra week, even though she knew I had to get back home for work. The fact that I refused to stay set her off, so we had a miserable 10 hour car ride home where she yelled at me for everything - going too fast, going too slow, listening to the wrong song, having the music on too loud or too quiet, etc. This was less than a month before our wedding.

When we got back, I had something I needed some help with for my job. For some context, she would ask me to help her with stuff for her job all the time, even when I was under a strict deadline with my job, and she expected me to risk missing my deadline in order to help her. This was the first time I'd ever asked for her help with my job, and she refused because it "wasn't her job" to help me and she didn't feel like it. I literally started to pack a small bag to leave for a few days and rethink whether I should actually marry her, but as I was leaving, she convinced me to stay.

We got married, then fought a lot on our honeymoon. We continued fighting when we got back, and she now insisted that she was stressed out about her not being pregnant yet, so she'd be much nicer to me when we got pregnant. Less than a month after our wedding, she kicked me out of the house. I forgot to mention this earlier, but at some point during every fight, she would threaten to break up with me and/or tell me to get out of the house. I was sick of her doing that, so I called her bluff, packed a small bag and took off this time. As I was getting into my car and pulling away, she came outside in disbelief and begged me to stay, but I left anyway. I turned my phone off that night so she couldn't call me 100 times, and she sent a bunch of mean emails that night. I came back home the next day and things got a little better.

I told her we weren't ready yet to have a child together, so we continued to practice birth control. A few months later, despite things not getting any better, I told her I thought we were ready, and she was ecstatic. Two or three months later, we still hadn't gotten pregnant, but we got into a huge fight where she once again exhibited extreme double standards and expected me to be okay with it. I was literally about to tell her I wanted a divorce right then, but in the back of my mind, I realized that she could be pregnant. Sure enough, 2 weeks later, we found out she was pregnant. Part of me was excited, but part of me was devastated because I wanted out.

Unfortunately, we actually had a miscarriage about 6 weeks later, and that was really hard for both of us. It was extremely sad to lose the baby, but I knew this was my opportunity to get out of the marriage and escape the madness. For whatever unbelievably stupid reason, I didn't divorce her then. We'd only been married for about 9 months, and I think I was worried about what people would think with us getting divorced so quickly. I also felt guilty about the idea of leaving her shortly after the miscarriage. We continued to fight more than ever, I continued to not be happy at all, and I had an opportunity to leave, but didn't.

Over the next few months, things continued to get worse. There's one moment that I'll never forget. It was a summer evening, and she'd just started her period that day, so I knew she wasn't pregnant. I was beyond fed up, and was planning to tell her the following day that I wanted a divorce. After she went to bed that night, I was going to pack up as much as I could without setting off any obvious alarms in her mind until I delivered the news. Right then, she started talking about the meals she was planning on cooking during the coming week, and something about the confidence in our future that I detected in her voice somehow convinced me to stay. I still should have told her we needed to take a break from trying to get pregnant, but I didn't, because I knew she'd flip out if I said that. Sure enough, we got pregnant a week or two later.

Again, I was excited to hear she was pregnant, but part of me was also devastated. That hurts to type now, as my daughter is amazing and I can't imagine my life without her - just wish I'd had her with someone else. Anyone else.

My wife was even worse to me during the pregnancy than ever before, and she insisted that it was because of her hormones and that everything would get better when the baby was born. Once our daughter was born, it got even worse. That's when the physical violence started to ramp up - lots of hard pushes, a slap in the head while I was driving the three of us on the freeway, she threw a handful of coins at me from close range (but fortunately none of them hit me), some elbows, etc. Every time I mention one of those episodes, she claims it either didn't happen or that I keep harping on the past and pointing out all her faults.

We've both admitted to each other that the only reason we haven't gotten divorced is because of our daughter. We haven't been intimate since early in her pregnancy, and I refuse to go near her because she's so mean that I've lost all attraction for her. She calls me a controlling a-hole because I won't have sex with her, completely glossing over the reason why.

My wife's sister is much nicer and more normal than my wife is, but she's actually been diagnosed with BPD. She has been going to a DBT therapist for several years and has made a ton of progress. Their family mocks her, says nothing was ever wrong and that she's a kook for going to a therapist, and no one thinks my wife needs to do anything. They all think I'm too sensitive.

Their dad fought in Vietnam and had severe PTSD that he only recently began to get treated for. Mental illness clearly runs in the family.

There's a lot more I could type, but this is plenty for now, and I think it gives you a good idea of what she's like and what our life is like.

Wow. Except for the jealousy, this is so much like the relationship I've been in over the last couple of years, now we have not spoken in 2 months after more cruel and crazy making behavior for which I was yelled at blamed. See my thread under my username called 'Or leave...don't know wha to do'.

Criticism, complaining, double standards and hypocrisy, cruelty and putdowns; snapping, yelling, name calling and belittling me. She even snapped and barked at me DURING sex, and would lecture me on how I was doing it wrong (when we met she said it was the best sex she's had in 15 years). Ghosting for days, evasiveness and then denying, controlling even the littlest things (what are your magnesium supplements doing on the counter there, being yelled at for stacking the dishes in the sink wrong, wiping the counter wrong, putting my decorative pillows in the wrong way on the window base, etc. etc). Nothing I did was ever complimented, my job (a business I started, put all my money into, and worked at every day, helped many many people with their mental and physical health, was stupid and "all I did was sit around in coffee shops all day (she's a stay at home mom who helps small businesses with MailChimp emails). I'm getting upset just typing this stuff out.

Yet, after a particularly vicious episode of trap-setting, belittling and name calling, abandoning me over Christmas, leaving town without saying a word after I was supposed to join her at her Mom and Dads, I still am suffering- 2 months no contact and I miss her and think about her 80 percent of the time.

[jaded7]

Mod note: This post was split from the following discussion as it warranted its own thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=343670.0

We met about 7 years ago when we were living in the same town. I came to find out that she was in a committed relationship, so we didn't ever go out for that first year. About a year after meeting, she became single, but I was living across the country. We started talking more and more, and had some deep conversations over the phone. In my mind, I knew I was ready to settle down if I met the right person, and she was really starting to check off a lot of boxes for me during those phone calls.

She came out to visit for a weekend, and it went well. We started talking more and more after that, and then she came out to visit again a month or two later, this time for two weeks. That visit was awesome, and we ended up saying I love you by the end of that visit. I started to see some signs of her irritability, but the good was definitely outweighing the bad.

I then came to stay with her for two months while I had time off from work. We continued to get closer and develop stronger feelings for each other, and there was a super high level of physical chemistry between us. Also, I work in a very demanding industry, and it was very refreshing for me the way she showed how much she supported and believed in me. However, the more time we spent with each other, the more I saw what should have been major red flags to me.

There were massive double standards with her, as she would flip out if a female friend (with no previous romantic history) of mine contacted me, but I was supposed to be ok with her ex-boyfriend calling and texting and trying to get her back. She also tried to control which of my guy friends that I talked to and how long we would talk. She would yell at me for some of the dumbest stuff - like having the audacity to take a shower before asking her if it was ok if I did so when she was clearly not getting ready to shower herself. She would also frequently snap at me for asking innocent, reasonable questions that are part of everyday life (what time is that show on, which wifi network is ours, what time does that event start, etc.). Not to get too graphic, but she also started yelling at me at times while we were being intimate if I took too long to finish or didn't finish in the position she wanted me to.

All that being said, we were still growing closer together, and I was very much in love with her. I then moved back to the location of my employment, so we did the long-distance thing for the next year. She would come out to visit once or twice a month, and we also had some extended (anywhere from 2-6 week) visits in there. When we were apart, we fought all the time about me not talking on the phone enough to her, despite the fact that I was working long hours and still making time for at least one hour-long conversation with her every night in addition to 2-3 other conversations of 15+ minutes each. She became the first person in my adult life to hang up the phone on me, and that has happened hundreds of times since. Over the course of our relationship, she's told me she hates me dozens of times, told me to go F myself hundreds of times, told me she hopes I die, etc.

During one fight, I had a half-full hard plastic bottle of one-a-day vitamins sitting on the kitchen counter, and she actually picked it up and threw it at my head. It missed my head, cracking in half on the kitchen cabinet above me. She swore that she intentionally missed me with it, but I don't believe that.

She also had a knack for saying some extremely hurtful things to me during fights - painful secrets that I'd revealed to her from my past, and she'd bring them up again just to hurt me.

In my line of work, I'm frequently in the presence of attractive females, and she would flip out when she found out I was in the same location as them, regardless of whether or not I even talked to anyone.

She has intense road rage, and I know she's trying hard when I'm there to not be as bad with it, which is scary as to what it's like when I'm not there. I'd say 99.9% of our fights were started because she yelled at me for doing/not doing something exactly how she wanted me to.

Throughout this whole period, in calmer moments, she'd tell me that the root of all of the conflict was that she was really scared about the long distance between us and everything would be so much better if we lived in the same city. I was skeptical, because I know long distance can be stressful, but it still doesn't give anyone the right to treat me how she did, but I somehow bought it anyway.

We moved in together after that year, and instead of everything getting better, they got worse. She was yelling at me and criticizing me for everything - whistling a song while hanging out at home, sitting on the wrong couch cushion, not memorizing where every single item goes, taking up too much space with my stuff despite the fact that her things took up 99% of the place, etc. Tons of no-win situations, such as yelling at me three days in a row when I'd offer to help her carry something, as she'd tell me she didn't need my help. Then on day four, I wouldn't offer, and she'd go off on me for not offering. Or asking what I want for dinner - chicken or beef - and insisting that either one is fine. Whichever one I chose, she'd start yelling at me for choosing that. That pattern was repeated in so many areas of our lives.

She also continued to try to control everything I did - when I showered, when I slept, where I sat, etc. I was really starting to see her true colors at this point, as we were in her element and seeing each other every day. One time we were in the car literally 1 block away from my friend's house and had made plans to go over there, and she just refused to go, saying she wouldn't know what to say. So I had to make something up with my friend to cancel our plans. This entire period, she would insist that she was now really stressed out that I hadn't proposed to her, and she was worried that the reason I hadn't proposed is that she was too mean to me, so that's why she was lashing out at me. Somehow that made sense in her twisted logic. She insisted that if I proposed, everything would be better.

I wasn't even considering proposing at first, but then we had a good week about two months later, and I made the worst decision of my life by proposing. She even yelled at me the night we got engaged as we were leaving the house to go out. She yelled at me because we were leaving 1 minute later than she wanted to for dinner, and then yelled at me for not parking in the space she wanted me to park.

The first two days after we got engaged were amazing, and then everything got even worse than it'd ever been. She became even more of a raging monster, and now insisted that the reason she was being so mean was that she was stressed about planning the wedding, so everything would be fine once we actually got married. During one fight, which started because I dared to get in the shower without first getting her permission, she ended up taking all of my belongings and throwing them outside in the snow.

We continued to fight all the time, with no-win situations galore and tons of criticism and insults headed my way. We got in a big fight while being intimate the night before we were supposed to get engagement pictures taken. Same issues in that fight as mentioned above. I insisted that we cancel the pictures, and she lost it. Somehow I stayed in the relationship and we rescheduled the pictures.

We got in another huge fight on the way back from a vacation with her family. We'd agreed that we'd stay for a certain length of time, and then while we were there, she started pressuring me to stay an extra week, even though she knew I had to get back home for work. The fact that I refused to stay set her off, so we had a miserable 10 hour car ride home where she yelled at me for everything - going too fast, going too slow, listening to the wrong song, having the music on too loud or too quiet, etc. This was less than a month before our wedding.

When we got back, I had something I needed some help with for my job. For some context, she would ask me to help her with stuff for her job all the time, even when I was under a strict deadline with my job, and she expected me to risk missing my deadline in order to help her. This was the first time I'd ever asked for her help with my job, and she refused because it "wasn't her job" to help me and she didn't feel like it. I literally started to pack a small bag to leave for a few days and rethink whether I should actually marry her, but as I was leaving, she convinced me to stay.

We got married, then fought a lot on our honeymoon. We continued fighting when we got back, and she now insisted that she was stressed out about her not being pregnant yet, so she'd be much nicer to me when we got pregnant. Less than a month after our wedding, she kicked me out of the house. I forgot to mention this earlier, but at some point during every fight, she would threaten to break up with me and/or tell me to get out of the house. I was sick of her doing that, so I called her bluff, packed a small bag and took off this time. As I was getting into my car and pulling away, she came outside in disbelief and begged me to stay, but I left anyway. I turned my phone off that night so she couldn't call me 100 times, and she sent a bunch of mean emails that night. I came back home the next day and things got a little better.

I told her we weren't ready yet to have a child together, so we continued to practice birth control. A few months later, despite things not getting any better, I told her I thought we were ready, and she was ecstatic. Two or three months later, we still hadn't gotten pregnant, but we got into a huge fight where she once again exhibited extreme double standards and expected me to be okay with it. I was literally about to tell her I wanted a divorce right then, but in the back of my mind, I realized that she could be pregnant. Sure enough, 2 weeks later, we found out she was pregnant. Part of me was excited, but part of me was devastated because I wanted out.

Unfortunately, we actually had a miscarriage about 6 weeks later, and that was really hard for both of us. It was extremely sad to lose the baby, but I knew this was my opportunity to get out of the marriage and escape the madness. For whatever unbelievably stupid reason, I didn't divorce her then. We'd only been married for about 9 months, and I think I was worried about what people would think with us getting divorced so quickly. I also felt guilty about the idea of leaving her shortly after the miscarriage. We continued to fight more than ever, I continued to not be happy at all, and I had an opportunity to leave, but didn't.

Over the next few months, things continued to get worse. There's one moment that I'll never forget. It was a summer evening, and she'd just started her period that day, so I knew she wasn't pregnant. I was beyond fed up, and was planning to tell her the following day that I wanted a divorce. After she went to bed that night, I was going to pack up as much as I could without setting off any obvious alarms in her mind until I delivered the news. Right then, she started talking about the meals she was planning on cooking during the coming week, and something about the confidence in our future that I detected in her voice somehow convinced me to stay. I still should have told her we needed to take a break from trying to get pregnant, but I didn't, because I knew she'd flip out if I said that. Sure enough, we got pregnant a week or two later.

Again, I was excited to hear she was pregnant, but part of me was also devastated. That hurts to type now, as my daughter is amazing and I can't imagine my life without her - just wish I'd had her with someone else. Anyone else.

My wife was even worse to me during the pregnancy than ever before, and she insisted that it was because of her hormones and that everything would get better when the baby was born. Once our daughter was born, it got even worse. That's when the physical violence started to ramp up - lots of hard pushes, a slap in the head while I was driving the three of us on the freeway, she threw a handful of coins at me from close range (but fortunately none of them hit me), some elbows, etc. Every time I mention one of those episodes, she claims it either didn't happen or that I keep harping on the past and pointing out all her faults.

We've both admitted to each other that the only reason we haven't gotten divorced is because of our daughter. We haven't been intimate since early in her pregnancy, and I refuse to go near her because she's so mean that I've lost all attraction for her. She calls me a controlling a-hole because I won't have sex with her, completely glossing over the reason why.

My wife's sister is much nicer and more normal than my wife is, but she's actually been diagnosed with BPD. She has been going to a DBT therapist for several years and has made a ton of progress. Their family mocks her, says nothing was ever wrong and that she's a kook for going to a therapist, and no one thinks my wife needs to do anything. They all think I'm too sensitive.

Their dad fought in Vietnam and had severe PTSD that he only recently began to get treated for. Mental illness clearly runs in the family.

There's a lot more I could type, but this is plenty for now, and I think it gives you a good idea of what she's like and what our life is like.

Wow. Except for the jealousy, this is so much like the relationship I've been in over the last couple of years, now we have not spoken in 2 months after more cruel and crazy making behavior for which I was yelled at blamed. See my thread under my username called 'Or leave...don't know wha to do'.

Criticism, complaining, double standards and hypocrisy, cruelty and putdowns; snapping, yelling, name calling and belittling me. She even snapped and barked at me DURING sex, and would lecture me on how I was doing it wrong (when we met she said it was the best sex she's had in 15 years). Ghosting for days, evasiveness and then denying, controlling even the littlest things (what are your magnesium supplements doing on the counter there, being yelled at for stacking the dishes in the sink wrong, wiping the counter wrong, putting my decorative pillows in the wrong way on the window base, etc. etc). Nothing I did was ever complimented, my job (a business I started, put all my money into, and worked at every day, helped many many people with their mental and physical health, was stupid and "all I did was sit around in coffee shops all day (she's a stay at home mom who helps small businesses with MailChimp emails). I'm getting upset just typing this stuff out.

Yet, after a particularly vicious episode of trap-setting, belittling and name calling, abandoning me over Christmas, leaving town without saying a word after I was supposed to join her at her Mom and Dads, I still am suffering- 2 months no contact and I miss her and think about her 80 percent of the time.

[juju2]

so much of what everyone says is rings true.

these life experiences are poignant.

So my estranged bf and me are meeting up once a week to see a way forward...
we sit close /ok not that close w social distancing.
There is a bond. I look forward to our meet ups.  Sometimes we don't even talk that much, just sit there together.
I think the space we took and the growth each of us has been going thru apart, has helped...i find myself not getting activated.
I find not very much of that to get activated over, not much.

My experience w this relationship shows me I could not gave predicted this.
There were times I was so fed up,done.
Underneath that something else grew.
Somehow and I don't know how, appreciation, respect, fondness.
We are building upon that and not tearing down.

[jaded7]

so much of what everyone says is rings true.

these life experiences are poignant.

So my estranged bf and me are meeting up once a week to see a way forward...
we sit close /ok not that close w social distancing.
There is a bond. I look forward to our meet ups.  Sometimes we don't even talk that much, just sit there together.
I think the space we took and the growth each of us has been going thru apart, has helped...i find myself not getting activated.
I find not very much of that to get activated over, not much.

My experience w this relationship shows me I could not gave predicted this.
There were times I was so fed up,done.
Underneath that something else grew.
Somehow and I don't know how, appreciation, respect, fondness.
We are building upon that and not tearing down.

Amback, that is beautiful. I long for something like that to happen with her and me. With now 2 months not speaking or seeing each other (actually haven't seen each other since Dec. 21- when she sarcastically mocked and snapped at me several times in front of her family, then two days later left town for Christmas as described above) I'm wondering if she's just written me off. She used to say the universe brought us together, marveled at how great we were as 'us', called me 'her person' in life.

So, so painful to think of these things.

I just wrote to my therapist, who's heard all the stories of our relationship, who has told me in no uncertain terms that she is verbally and emotionally abusive, that I don't believe all of that stuff is WHO she IS. I am a very empathic, highly sensitive person, and I believe deep down that she is scared, filled with some level of shame and self-loathing, and these behaviors come out.

She does had a strong moral compass in life, one of the things I really admire about her and love, but for some reason she doesn't see the ridiculousness of her behavior and the immorality of yelling and name calling and belittling and dishonesty (shading truth, evading answering questions, ghosting in order to not have to talk about something that's hard, flat out lying when asked about certain things she's done- gaslighting to be specific).

I hope we can find a way to were you are Amback. It actually gives me a little hope. I do feel we have a strong bond, I still can feel that even now. I dream of her and think about her so much.

[juju2]

time helped me.

not sharing w those around me who would try and ramp up issues, helped me.

There is only one person --not a relative- whom I am willing to share with. regarding him and me.

some people, people, they take up the cause and cannot be reliable for me to share with.

those two things helped me.