My husband is in jail and i need to start divorce paperwodk

[palynne]

  I am feeling so sad and mixed up. My husband of 18 years with whom I have 4 children is in jail after a terrible incident where he was drunk and violent. This is not the first time and I knew he wasn't doing the work he needed to get well, but I am so emotional. I handled all the legal paperwork to get a protective order and emergency custody. Why do I feel so to blame when I am the victim? Why am I worried about how he is in jail, when he rarely considers myself and kids? And how on earth am I going to get over this? ever? I think I was in shock and taking care of everyone here and now there is time to think and feel and I feel awful! Has anyone gone through something similar? Any advice in how I can manage my own emotions and do more than just let kids watch t.v.? I am so sad and scared even though I am grateful he is in jail and so we are safe.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome!  Many here, myself included, have "been there, done that".  And for us, it was to be expected for us to have that reaction too.  Why so?  Most who arrive here were desperate for Help, they'd spent years trying to hold the family together and despite all that effort, the relationship had failed, even imploded.  During those years we had managed to keep going by telling ourselves, "I can make it work if only I keep appeasing, mollifying, peacemaking, acquiescing to the outrageous demands and letting my good boundaries be sabotaged."  Well none of that works, not for long.

My situation was similar to your situation.  I had called the Emergency Services and police responded.  They almost carted me away but my son was sobbing and like a leech in my arms and so they left.  Once I downloaded my audio recording of the events surrounding my call for help, the officer listening said I had to make a report and they'd take it from there.*  She was arrested for Threat of DV.  The end result was that I got temp protection and possession of the home.  She came back a couple times, with police presence, to get her personal possessions.

So, did I regret doing so?  Frankly, no.  I had no other recourse.  Her increasing opposition and obstruction would have soon come down hard on me.  I chose to be proactive.  If I wasn't then she would have found a way to seize control of how our marriage was unwound.

I too felt sorry for her, I hadn't done anything for years as things got worse and worse, until I had to do something for protection of self and parenting.  So keep in mind, you have to do what you have to do, for the good of all.  We have a phrase here FOG = Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  Beware of losing sight of what you must do and why.  If you feel you ought to, such as if she doesn't work, then you could provide her some limited money for rent or other expenses.  But really, she's an adult and it is her responsibility to handle her own life.  Your concern, sadly, has to put yourself and your children first.

There was one problem I faced.  Despite her clear rages, she skipped over to family court as soon as she got out and filed for protection against me and included our child.  Of course once CPS stood up and stated they had "no concerns" our son was excluded for her claim.  Then the magistrate made a 'standard' temp order gifting her temp custody and temp majority time.  So I had the house but she had a favorable custody/parenting temp order for over two years during the entire divorce process.

So how has your lawyer addressed the temp custody and parenting side of a restraining order?  Residence is one thing, not so hard for you to get.  But her actions may be considered adult behavior between you and her.  Would it apply also to her parenting behavior and have an impact on who gets temp custody and what the parenting schedule would be like?

* I didn't mention it in this post but the officer emphasized that he'd seen my predicament before.  He strictly warned me not to try to be appeaser or passively withdraw my report.  He said this incident needed to be addressed in court or else my life would get even worse.  Yes, it led to my divorce but the divorce was eventually going to happen anyway but this way I was in control by setting the terms of the separation and the end to the relationship.

This is the time for you to stand up for yourself and the children.  Remember, your spouse is an adult.  He has built up a pattern of poor behaviors.  These are his consequences.  You (or more specifically the incident) are only bringing it to light.  You have no guilt in this.  Or at most you have very little guilt in comparison to his massive guilt.

But yes, emotionally you do feel the weight of all this.  (Such as, What if I hadn't called for help, then he wouldn't be in trouble.  Yuck, instead you or the kids might have been injured or worse!  Frankly, getting his pattern of behaviors exposed is exactly the right thing to have done!)  That feeling is entirely normal, but not right.  Currently your emotional perspective is still skewed.  Give it time and some objectivity will come.  Don't assume the weight of his misdeeds.  If you don't have an experienced counselor/advocate already, get one!

Also, a legal thought which I believe your lawyer will support.  His lawyer will try to get you to minimize what he did.  Don't fall for it.  One approach might be for lawyer to hypothesize situations where you'd answer that you're not afraid of husband.  If his lawyer can get you to agree to that then the lawyer can turn to the judge and claim, "Judge, she's not consistent, she's not afraid of him so she can't claim to need protection."  So be prepared for surprise questions.  Pause in answering on the stand so your lawyer can speak up if necessary.  Be aware.  Beware.

Another principle to mention about court is that it is likely to see poor adult behaviors (with you) as separate from poor parenting behaviors (with the children).  When the court is assessing DV it may give a lot of priority to you but then when deciding upon parenting may limit more of it's attention to his parenting behaviors which might not have been apparent to the officers during the incident.  So for an appropriate temporary parenting schedule you may have to bring documentation of his prior poor behaviors when interacting with the children.  Be aware most temp order hearings are barely a half hour long, so make good use of what little time the court allows.

[worriedStepmom]

Divorce is hard.  It's much harder when you have a violent stbx with a personality disorder.

You did the right thing.  You pressed charges - you stood up for yourself and for your children's wellbeing, and you got the restraining order and emergency custody.

You did the right thing.

Making a huge decision like that - prioritizing yourself and your kids for the first time in a while - is going to have a huge emotional aftermath.  If you need to park the kids in front of the tv for a little while so you can go cry in your room, THAT'S OKAY.  (heck, we relaxed our screen time rules just because of the stress of the corona-apocalypse.)

You do not have to be the perfect parent right now.  You need to be available to your children and make sure they know they are loved and keep them fed and clothed and safe.  Anything else can wait until you're all in a more stable frame of mind.

Do you have a therapist?  I had one when I got divorced.  It really helps to have someone neutral to talk to and to work through your emotions with.  My therapist also provided good advice for me on how to deal with my kids and their emotions (although my then-5-year-old ended up in therapy as well because she had so much anger).

you CAN do this.

[palynne]

Thank you so much, I am crying just to know someone can understand. I have been hating myself all day for feeling bad for him. I did, in fact, question whether it was my fault for not just letting him stay drunk and screaming on the lawn. How I could think such things? I don't know. He is being charged and his hearing is tomorrow and I am just praying that he doesn't drag things out and just pleads guilty, but you literally never know what kind of person he is going to be. My children are so hurt and yet all but my youngest said, "enough mom, enough". I was waiting, for what? He has been through countless therapists and treatment programs and I don't have enough life to wait for something to work. I realized how afraid I was of being alone after all this time and its going to be so much less scary then what i was living with every day. I had gotten to the point where I winced at the sound of his feet coming up the stairs. I can't actually believe how sick I had let my life become. I am scared he will make all things divorce difficult. Should I open up a separate bank account? There is too much too think about. Mostly I hope I can actually sleep tonight. Even with melatonin i was up at every creak in the house last night.

[ForeverDad]

When I separated (the police took her away) I was with my 3yo son.  It was so peaceful the silence was deafening.   I remember that feeling to this day.  I viewed it as a cosmic joke that while I got the house (temporary protection while her Threat of DV case was pending) she lived in the county's House of Peace for abused women in an undisclosed location.

Be prepared for court.  Do you have an advocate or someone trusted to support you?  You'll face pressure to relent and let him off the hook.  You can't.  Sure, him facing his consequences probably won't change him, but you probably will have few opportunities to stand up for yourself as you have now.  Of course, you're not a mean person, none of us here are mean, but you have a right to speak out about abusive or addictive behavior, defend yourself and especially defend the futures of your children.

I repeat, somewhere, somehow you'll probably have someone come up to you and beg you to give him a break.  It might even be him.  You know promises mean little to a disordered person.  As soon as the situation is over, he'll revert all too soon back to prior behavior patterns, whether in a week, a month or a few months.

It's also quite possible that all he will do is plead (typically not guilty) and then the case will be adjourned to later date, then continued over another time or two.  If you weaken during one of those appearances, the case could get dropped.    This is a series of marathons, not simple sprints.  I had at least three appearances before my ex had her trial.  That was over three months after the case started.  In my case those delays kept her away from the house, my safe place.

Don't worry overmuch about his fate, support the professionals while they do their jobs.  Your top priority is to ensure you have adequate protection for yourself and the children.

Do you both work, or just one of you?  If you are offered temporary child support, don't turn it down.

Sure, get your own bank account.  Have your paycheck deposited there.  Technically you're able to safeguard half the family's funds, if he doesn't get there first.  Yes, it can be first come, first served.)  But probably you won't be criticized overmuch for taking more, especially if the extra is used to pay the family's standard bills (not his legal bills, that's his problem).  Many of us had a disordered spouse raid the bank and the clueless lawyers said, "Don't worry, we'll balance it out and you'll get your portion back when the final negotiations split the assets and debts."  Didn't happen for many of us, the lawyers were too anxious to get the case over and closed to care about a fair split.

[Radcliff]

Everything you're going through is totally normal.  I, too, escaped from an abusive relationship.  You need a broad support network.  Keep coming here.  It also would be hugely helpful to get connected with a domestic violence support hotline in your local area.  They can help you through all the things you're feeling, as well as practical planning for financial, emotional, and physical safety.  If you can't easily find a hotline in your local area, call the national hotline at 1-800-799-7233.  It may be a bit scary to call, but believe me, hearing the voice of someone who understands what you are going through and listens to you without judgement is so huge you may find yourself overcome with relief.

What does your support network look like?  Do you have friends or family who are able to be there for you in ways you need?

RC

[palynne]

I have a couple friends, but they don't live in town. However it's nice to message them or call when I can. I finally told my neighbors what has been happening and they have been supportive, but with Covid there is little we can all do practically to see eachother, but if I need groceries or something they would help. I have just got a lawyer, got overwhelmed with paperwork. My parents live close by but are older and though my dad comes over every day, I feel guilty. Our money/property is all jointly held so I could pull from that. Slept 6 hours so not bad, woke up having intense memories of the violence. I am very nervous and  unfocused. Going to do a telephone call with my therapist this afternoon. Trying to write down as many memories of things that have happened as I can. Realizing how many things I was willing to take on and give up just to "keep the peace" which wasn't peace at all. My kids are stressed and angry and don't want to see their dad so i am focused on trying get paperwork done. One thing that is bothering me is that his mother has called twice and had long rambling conversations with me where she wants me to comfort her and I think I have to cut that off as of today. i am grateful for this online community right now, but feel an absolute mess.

[MeandThee29]

It's normal to be a mess. Even post-divorce, I have my messy days.

But if you make small steps to improve your situation, it will get better in time. Keep the momentum. I also learned to let my lawyer do his thing. No matter what they threw at us, he knew what to do and kept it going. At one point I was so frustrated and angry that I told him to pull out all the stops and get it settled. I had learned to trust his judgment and experience. He did, and it was signed a few days later.

It's a big step to say, "The line has been crossed, no more." For me that was actually part-way into the divorce process. It took me so very long to see that his path was down a dark, ugly hole where I didn't want to go.

From that point on, I approached everything with the mindset that I needed to completely close out things in order to move on, even if I gave up things that made financial sense. Thankfully I had no custody issues.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It's not easy, and I want you to know that you are very brave for what you did, and I also want to impress upon you that you did the right thing and made the right choice.

Two and a half years ago, I was in your exact position. I called the police on my husband, who had been violent with me for the who-knows-what-number time. He went to jail. I got a restraining order, and I moved into a co-worker's house with my 23-month old son.

It took a lot of time, and a lot of therapy with a counselor who specializes in trauma, but I am doing so much better on my own than I ever have before.

Everything you are feeling is to be expected given what you have experienced. Give yourself some grace. As someone else mentioned, if you need to let the kids watch TV so you can get a break and have time to yourself, that's OK right now. It will not be this way forever. You can heal. You can recover.

I am glad you have a therapist. I would say that right now you should speak with your therapist at least once a week. Reach out to family and friends as you can, and remember that you did the best thing you could do for your kids and yourself.

You feel guilty because you are likely a person that feels responsible for others, particularly others who can't seem to make good decisions on their own. Let me just say that if you left your h drunk and screaming in the yard, it would just have happened again and again and probably gotten worse. It would not have changed anything for the better for you, your kids, or for him.

We sometimes feel guilty about our partners experiencing consequences of their choices, particularly if these consequences come as a result of our setting a boundary and enforcing it. Please know that that guilt is not the truth and you bear no fault in the uncomfortable situation he is now experiencing. It is a direct result of his choices, not yours. He left you with no other healthy choice.

You will get through this.

[Radcliff]

One thing that is bothering me is that his mother has called twice and had long rambling conversations with me where she wants me to comfort her and I think I have to cut that off as of today. i am grateful for this online community right now, but feel an absolute mess.

Go, you!  When we've always given in to save the peace (or so we think), establishing boundaries is tough.  Heck, even identifying how we feel and understanding that something is harmful to us is tough. That's an important step to recognize that speaking to your mother-in-law right now is not something than is healthy for you.  Keep us posted on how that goes.

Don't feel guilty about your dad coming over.  I'm a dad of three daughters, so I know he's doing what he needs to do.  It's great that he can be there for you, and it's helping both of you. 

I second I Am Redeemed's advice to take care of yourself.  Managing kids when one has been traumatized is super tough.  Quiet bedtime reading is rejuvenating, but kids screaming and all the not-so-fun parts of parenting are really hard when we're feeling shell-shocked and spacey. 

When you are feeling nervous and unfocused, what helps you get grounded?

RC

[palynne]

Still waking up in middle of the night. My husband was released from jail on his own yesterday after pleading not-guilty. The prosecutors called and asked if I would be ok with dropping a couple of charges and letting him do probation. I was dumbfounded and told them how serious this is. Not sure if I got heard. He contested the temporary emergency custody order so I  have a hearing next week. I have never been to court so I am nervous. The oldest girls are so angry with their dad and do not want to see him. They are so much wiser than their mom sometimes. They tell me it's not my fault and that dad has been this way too long. I can't believe I didn't see what they were seeing this whole time. I am so sad that I let this go on so long. My eldest reminded me that she was in 1st grade the first time her dad went to jail and now her little sister is in first grade. In good news I feel so clear about getting the divorce, so clear about the need for no communication with him and proud I was able to the get the protective order done on my own. I am also grateful for my family, my kids and community. When I think about the future it is unclear, but so obviously going to be better for everyone. I am just really nervous that he is going to make this as tough as possible. Thank you for the support on this forum it has meant a lot.

[ForeverDad]

Courts are like that.  Even the one speaking out for you, the prosecutor wants to make a deal.  Mine had to do that too but then told me he was passing along the defendant's attempt to defuse the charges and supported me when I, um, politely but firmly declined.  Frankly, too often no one will stand up for you better than... you.  "Give him a break" doesn't help anyone, even him.  Consequences.  So don't feel intimidated.  Don't feel reluctant to bring documentation of his prior arrests, convictions or police reports.  This is the time to air the dirty laundry, so to speak.

Is this in some way a domestic relations court?  My ex was in both civil court and domestic court.  Civil court ignored the custody aspect.  My domestic court, while handling the custody and parenting issues (for the children), sadly ignored the poor (adult) behaviors that got her arrested.  Something about that felt wrong, as though she was two people, and the adult was not the parent and the parent was not the adult.

The court may be willing to listen to older children with in camera interviews, usually they are teens or maybe preteens.  Younger children may need to be interviewed by professionals from social services or children's services and then the agency can appear in court to report the initial conclusions on how much protection to provide for the children.  All this would be to support a temporary parenting order for this initial period.  Meanwhile court is okay with setting a temp order (your petition would be considered an ex parte matter listening just to you) until a quick review of your family issues can be assessed and your spouse can prepare a defense.

Later, once I started my divorce case, my court had an in-house social worker who did that, she could recommend parenting schedules but was not authorized to recommend custody issues, that was left for a Custody Evaluator who was hired to do an in depth study of the family issues.

You really need solid legal and family advice.  If you haven't started interviewing family law attorneys, then do so now.  An experienced lawyer will have strategies and approaches that he or she knows court is likely to accept. Have you read our most essential handbook for separation, divorce, lawyers, and court?  Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger.  It is inexpensive and available in your choice of print or electronic media online (Amazon).

To summarize, focus on what's important.  You.  The kids.  In court you won't get everything you want or think you need.  Sorry.  So focus on getting the essentials.  Jail itself is probably not high on your list, depending on the offense.  But what is?  That the current case's findings of the court (or plea deal) document the poor behaviors and are 'actionable' for impacting the parenting schedule and custody issues, both (1) temporary and (2) later on during/after the divorce.  Does stbEx (soon to be Ex) need a supervised schedule?  Since courts are generally reluctant to block a parent from parenting long term, how reduced should his contact time be and for how long?  Should his reintegration with the kids be done in a therapist's office over a period of time?  Ponder with your lawyer how to propose and achieve that.

[GaGrl]

I agree with ForeverDad that a lawyer is your primary need right now. He or she can take a great deal of pressure off of you.

As to playing out the DV legal situation, do not let the courts minimize it. His history shows that previous attempts to hold him accountable haven't worked. Let him fully face consequences now.

[Radcliff]

Learning how to not minimize what has happened can be difficult.  With respect to the prosecution, you've got your role and they've got theirs.  You can tell your truth, without minimizing, protecting him, or feeling like it's your fault.  Prosecutors need to focus on what can be proven, and sometimes awful stuff cannot be proven.  In many states, a conviction or a guilty plea on DV charges can have a bearing on custody.  Fully cooperate with the prosecution, and feel free to speak your mind if you think they're not taking things seriously enough, but don't look for a conviction as a necessary step to validate what you've been through.  That could set you up for disappointment.  Validation can come from your support network of friends, family, support groups, and professionals.  A lawyer and a domestic violence advocate will each be important resources who each play different roles.

I'm sorry you are having trouble waking up in the middle of the night.  Sleeping can be tough.  I've found that anything I can do to reduce my overall stress level helps with sleeping.  Exercise is good.  Another thing that was super important is to not look at e-mails, legal documents, or anything that could be triggering after dark.  I learned to do all that stuff early in the day, preferably when I had a support person or some exercise lined up afterward.

Another great thing was a weighted blanket a friend gave to me.  I'd never heard of them, but it's like a quilt with beads in it to make it heavy.  When you get under it, it hugs you and has a pretty amazing calming effect.  You can order them online.  Mine makes a huge difference for me.

RC

[palynne]

Got my lawyer so yay. Still waking up in the middle of the night, still exhausted, still worried about kids BUT I have had so much clarity with my husband not around. I found a book called"It's my life now" about leaving abusing relationships and have been doing the exercises and I am finally, finally understanding that his constant criticism was not about me and this whole thing has nothing to do with me, but with him. I have let go my angst over prosecutor- due to Covid they haven't even scheduled a court date for him.
Today was the hearing for my family court protective order and temporary custody...He didn't show. I made myself sick thinking I would have to see him and he didn't show. The judge asked for testimony and evidence and i was ready even though I didn't have a lawyer and the good news is I was granted the OFP and 100% temporary emergency custody and he was given 0 parenting time. This was so important to me as my girls have made it very clear they do not want to see him. In fact, their feelings have started coming out in spades and they have started telling me about interactions they had with him they were keeping "secret". I cry at night about how I failed them and how lost and in a fog I truly was. However my anger has given me energy to open a separate bank account, get a security camera, and get the lawyer. At least right now I am just focusing on what I can do each day. The house is not great, the distance learning is a joke for the kids, but I am surviving what I was so afraid of. I am wondering if he is going to lose it once he receives the divorce papers. Has anyone had an ex seem disinterested until he/she was served with papers? Despite it all I feel 1000% like I am doing the right thing.

[GaGrl]

Outstanding progress! This is so good for you and your children.

Relax a bit now, and enjoy some freedom ( in spite of our current Covid-19 restrictions).

I would not worry about 2-3 months of schooling -- it will work out over the next 12-18 months. Truly, they are sponges for knowledge right now.

They are also sponges for observing strength and fortitide, and you are told modeling that for them.

[ForeverDad]

What the children now have is a safe place away from the chaos and pressures.  That's only half of it... the other half is that now they can see a positive example of your parenting.  That contrast will help them in the years to come to recognize what is normal vs abnormal, what is positive and constructive vs what isn't.

In the months to come the court may allow him some parenting time, your task is to stand up for yourself and the kids, limit it at least to the extent that life doesn't revert to the old "what was".  Add Henry Cloud's Boundaries to your reading list as you have time.  It took me a while to realize boundaries were for me since my ex of course didn't follow them.  This boundary pattern can be a strong one:  If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___.

We can't undo the past, it's written, but the future is an open book for them, and you.

[worriedStepmom]

Great job!

Doesn't it feel good to take steps in the direction of the future that you want?

And doesn't it feel good that your children trust you enough to tell you about these horrible moments they thought they had to keep secret?  They see that you are taking action to protect them, and that makes them feel safe.

How old are your kids?  Teens, tweens, elementary?

[palynne]

Thank you so much for the support- I am actually proud of myself and still so glad that I am pursuing this. I signed dissolution paperwork today and had security system installed and definitely took a nap. Last night I got very sad and lonely and wondered if my whole relationship was a lie, but I put the classical music station on and tried to sleep. Still waking up all night just looking at the clock, which sucks! After not showing up to the hearing yesterday, he reached out to my lawyer to ask if I would be interested in a collaborative divorce outside of the courts. Thanks to folks posting about this- I said definitely no! I realize how always wanted to be the good guy and ready to give in during our marriage. No more of that! I am in this to fight for my kids and the sanctity and sanity of my life. I am wondering what options folks know of for visitation that is very limited and there is some safety involved. My kids are 15, 13, 10, and 6. And boy their feelings are flying. My 10 year old and 15 year old are the most actively stressed as they were witnesses to the assault. My 10 year old cannot sleep well and cries all night, she wanted to sleep in my closet last night. Luckily I was able to reach out to her school counselor and she did a google meet with her today. It seemed to help. My fifteen and thirteen year old just shut themselves in their room and balk when I ask for help. I am angry that its me alone who has to put our lives in order, but none of this is fair anyway. Again love the advice and encouragement. 

[worriedStepmom]

Do you think that if your lawyer drew up a divorce settlement and custody decree, that your ex would sign it?  My H's uBPdex is terrified of going to court and won't show up to hearings either.  It's worked for us, so far, to present a full plan to her, with all the details, and see if she'll sign it.  (Your L can do this for you so you don't have to confront him.)  If he says no, you go to court.

There is supervised visitation.  This can usually be specified in many ways - either with a family member or friend supervising, with a therapist supervising, or sometimes with a professional agency supervising.  Your L can help you figure out the right path for your kids given what is the norm in your area and who picks the supervisor.  I've volunteered as a supervisor for a friend - her kids see their dad 2 hours a week, for dinner at a restaurant.

It's important to document the kids' reactions right now.  Keep a journal or something, so that you can write down what happened and how the kids are doing.  Very similar to what you wrote below.  Courts want to know that the 10-year-old was so upset she wanted to sleep in your closet.

Divorce is hard, even without a personality disorder.  You're going to have moments when you are confident you're doing the right thing, and moments when you're sure you're doing everything wrong.  Your kids are going to drive you crazy, and it is NOT FAIR that you are the one who has to deal with their negative emotions and their processing what is happening.  It's not.  I had days where I'd go into the backyard by myself and scream as loud as I could because I was so frustrated and so angry.  THAT'S OKAY. 

Make sure that you are taking care of yourself, too.  You can't be fully there for your kids if you forget to make time for you.

[ForeverDad]

A typical first solution for courts when supervised visitation is sought is to consider it temporary, in the expectation that a format can be written up where the restrictions are step by step reduced as the person reaches goals until the restrictions are gone.  Sounds great, right?  Um, not with persistent behavioral issues.  Relapses back to prior patterns are almost sure to occur.  (For example, alcoholics seldom have a completely positive path they follow to recovery, almost always there are relapses.)

The problem is that court orders seldom account for relapses or failures.  The goals are progressive and generally don't have provisions to handle relapses and hence resets back to an earlier stage.  So often the reasonably normal parent has to go back to court to restart prior restrictions.  And that is expensive and often takes many months.  My point is that you and your lawyer would be smart to have such provisions included in any proposed order to reduce the almost inevitable returns to court for more fixes.  Who would report and trigger such resets?  You?  A counselor or therapist monitoring the other's parenting behaviors?  A Parenting Coordinator?  A Guardian ad Litem (GAL, lawyer for the children)?  Since this most recent problem was the kids seeing you being abused in some way, then stbEx's behavior toward you would also be a factor to include.  Often courts separate adult behaviors (between parents) as separate issues from direct parenting behaviors.  However there is some unavoidable overlap and cannot be minimized in any proposed order.

While you are trying to get a dissolution and final decree in place, don't feel bad for trying to keep a strong protective order in place.  Sure, you may not get every detail you want or need, the point is you have every right to seek the best outcome for yourself and the children.

[palynne]

Well my husband has started texting my teen over and over, which made her cry and run out of the house. I am trying to figure out how to block him on her phone, but its just a flip. Our lines are all through one carrier so I may just have to cancel our lines and restart on a new account. He is telling her crazy stuff and trying to manipulate her, granted she is the one whose door he tried to break down so all his communication is doing is causing her anxiety. The judge did not include children in the no contact order so I am going to see what legal protections I can get her. I could barely sleep last night as I kept going over and over things that happened over the years and wondering what would happen next. My friend keeps telling me its sign to get worse and that is an exhausting thought. On top of which it seems the prosecutors definitely dropped the domestic violence charges and he has no court date for criminal case yet. Feeling blue

[ForeverDad]

What does your temporary protection order state?  Are you the only one protected, or the kids also?  Read the order again.   Likely part of it lists who are protected.  Another part will be a long list of check boxes.  Does it limit who he can contact, and how?  (Edit: I read your post again and see the temp order may have some big gaps in it.)

If you can't reach your lawyer (and if you do you may be told to do this anyway) then call the police to report whatever portions of the order have been infringed.  Likely even if there's no direct (actionable) violation of the TPO they can advise you how to handle this and they may agree to contact him and ask him not to contact until proper arrangements are possible.

Your immediate impulse will be to delete his messages.  Do NOT delete his messages.  That is documentation of his behaviors which I suspect is probably prohibited in the temp order.  This proof (documentation) may be helpful later.

Would your daughter agree to let you hold her phone for her when she's not using it so she doesn't have to get triggered by his attempts to contact?

[GaGrl]

Do you still have a hearing next week on the temporary protective order that he is contesting? Perhaps that is your opportunity to expand the order to cover the choldren. The texts on your daughter's phone will be important to show the judge.

What is the criminal charge that was not dtopped? Is it more serious than the DV charges that were dropped?

[ForeverDad]

The case in my county started in civil court as a result of her arrest for Threat of DV.  I was granted temp possession of our home in my TPO, but she did come a couple times to get personal possessions during a police escort.  (That case was continued a few times until they had a quick trial and acquitted her since she didn't have a weapon in her hands when she made her threats.)  Civil court wouldn't address any custody issues, stating the domestic court handled that.  That was where we had another temp order that addressed temp custody and parenting time.

Is that your situation?  If you haven't filed something with domestic court, that may be where you next seek aid on Monday.  For this weekend you may be limited to police support or whatever your lawyer advises.

[palynne]

I re-read OFP. I was granted sole custody and he was granted no parenting time due to safety of minor children. However, only I am covered by the protection order. The box next to children is not checked.The pets are protected, he may not contact me here or at work, and he is prohibited from possessing or purchasing a firearm. I sent all the texts to my daughter to my phone and forwarded them to my lawyer. I also called our cell carrier and asked that his line be removed from our account, they were very helpful (Cricket Wireless) and did it right away. I also changed my daughter's number. She was greatly relieved. The charge that remains is less consequential than the domestic violence it is interfering with a 911 call and carries a minimum of 2 years probation. Will be very easy to prove as the dispatcher was aware that our call was disconnected and heard my screams before hand. I may call the prosecutor or detective on my case on Monday to find out what the reasoning was. STBX clearly did not read or understand the OFP as he told my lawyer that it was illegal for me to contact him- I was assured this was not true. After all the behavior last night which made it so I could barely sleep- he contacted my lawyer this afternoon again saying he did not want to take the divorce to court and could we do collaborative. I again stated absolutely not. I feel like I failed my children enough and I will fight like hell for sole custody and only supervised visits. My kids are scared to see him, I am not going to force that.

[worriedStepmom]

You did a great job protecting your daughter.  My SD's mom is blocked from texting her, too.  We were shocked at the emotional abused that was being thrown at her via texting.  Beware that he may try other means to contact - through another child, perhaps.  We kept SD's number, so her mom started texting her from the grandmother's phone, or, when we had a ban on phone calls, calling from random numbers.  It took us a few weeks to lock the phone down / put enough rules in place to protect SD.

Did you talk to your lawyer about maybe writing up your wish list of items for divorce and custody and seeing if he'll just sign it?  A one-shot-at-the-apple type of collaboration?

[ForeverDad]

Be aware that standard divorce forms and paperwork are written with reasonably cooperative parents in mind.  Two boiler plate phrases that were troublesome especially in my case were (1) "reasonable telephone contact" and (2) "mutually agreed exchange locations".  Reasonable?  Mutually agreed?  Um, when one side is unreasonable or refuses to agree, then what do you do, pay the lawyers yet again to return to court and take months trying to fix it?  So in advance review any proposed paperwork and reduce the risk of the other parent redefining or reinterpreting seemingly normal clauses.

The reality is you can't catch every gotcha that you didn't anticipate.  No matter what you do the disordered ex will find some way to reinterpret, obstruct or sabotage.  The best we can do is close most loopholes and address the rest as they arise.

[GaGrl]

So for those general phrase, you want to get very, very specific.

Reasonable phone calls -- how many times per week, for how long, and are they made in an area of the house where they can be monitored, i.e. no inappropriate pressuring, verbal or emotional abuse, comments about other parent.

Mutually agreed upon location -- not at your house, not at his house. It could be a fast food restaurant half way between houses. Some parents exchange at the police station, especially when conflicts has been high.

Will the older children be able to refuse visitation? That could be written into the agreement.

[I Am Redeemed]

This thread has reached the posting limit and has been locked. The discussion continues here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=344063.0