I was going to move out, then COVID-19 happened

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have to laugh sometimes at the curveballs that life throws at me.

I've been in a relationship with my UBPDSO for 20+ years.  I have been through all of the ups and downs, discards, one lengthy separation, and too many couples therapists to count.  For the last few years I have been working on strengthening myself, figuring out why I kept returning after the discards, and generally what was keeping me from leaving the relationship after all of the pain and abuse.

About a month ago I decided that I wanted to move out and, for the first time, I was able to focus on that and come up with a very specific plan for making it happen.  My partner and I were in couples therapy and I stated my intention to separate.  It was not a complete surprise to my partner, since we had danced around the topic for a while.  After the session we had a couple of conversations about how the separation would work, and then we had one more couples therapy session and we agreed to work with a mediator on the legal and financial details.

I was feeling great about finally taking this positive step for myself and not letting my old patterns cause me to change my mind or get charmed back in.  I felt proud that I was leaving as a result of my own choice, not because she ended the relationship on a whim, locked me out of the house, etc.

Then COVID-19 started hitting.  Only days later my partner and I shifted to working from home full-time.

Without going into the details, we had several people coming to the house throughout the week to perform services that we need.  My partner is at high risk for COVID-19 and asked whether it would be OK with me if we stopped having those people come to the house in light of the situation, so that we would be the only people there in order to control our exposure to COVID-19.  This would mean that the two of us would need to perform the tasks that those people had been performing.  I thought extremely carefully about it, because I wanted to make sure I was making a rational decision and not getting sucked into a charming.  I discussed it with my therapist and gave it a couple of days.  I ended up deciding that, as much as I disliked it, letting go of our home helpers during the crisis was the safest things for us and for them, and that this was truly an emergency situation that justified making a decision that was radically different than what I would do in normal circumstances.  (FYI, we are continuing to pay the workers in their absence.)

Another consequence of this is that our separation is on hold.  Even if it weren't true that leaving now would put my partner in the position of being responsible for everything at our current house, I would not want to go house or apartment hunting now and move into a new place in the middle of the pandemic.  I actually don't even know how possible that would be right now.

I am leaving out a lot of details, but let me make clear that I am constantly re-evaluating the situation, including re-evaluating whether I might be getting unintentionally sucked in by a charming under cover of the COVID-19 crisis, and I don't think that I am.  I am in regular touch with my therapist and a couple of trusted friends as sanity checks.

It is truly a bizarre situation and part of me has to laugh at it.  Nearly overnight I went from being on the verge of moving into my own place after years of being in an intolerable situation, to the two of us living and working together 24/7 in the middle of a pandemic and social distancing and a government "stay at home" order!

We are in week 3 now.  The first two weeks were quite peaceful.  You won't be surprised to hear that over the last 36 hours the flip has been switched in her mind and I am now the devil.  You know the drill.  I know from long experience not to take this personally, even though she is blaming every challenging thing in her life on me right now.  I also know not to try to figure out what caused the switch to flip.  Although there have been a few times over the years when she has had insight into what makes this happen, as far as I can tell most of the time she is unaware of why I go from white to black in her mind, and most of the time I cannot see any clear trigger for it.  It's just clear that once the switch is flipped, I can expect a long string of rageful blame directed at me until the phase passes.

Any advice?  Similar experiences recently?  One of the tough things about this is that in the past, when she started to rage bomb me, I had the option to go visit friends, hang out at a cafe, see a movie, etc., and all of those are off the table now with social distancing.  I can still go for  a walk or call a friend, but my options for getting a break feel much more limited.

[Note: I typed a certain word that begins with an "h" and is the name of a vacuum cleaner brand several times in this post, but it got automatically replaced with "charmed."  Why is that?  Am I not supposed to use that word?]

[TRB]

I have to laugh sometimes at the curveballs that life throws at me.

I've been in a relationship with my UBPDSO for 20+ years.  I have been through all of the ups and downs, discards, one lengthy separation, and too many couples therapists to count.  For the last few years I have been working on strengthening myself, figuring out why I kept returning after the discards, and generally what was keeping me from leaving the relationship after all of the pain and abuse.

About a month ago I decided that I wanted to move out and, for the first time, I was able to focus on that and come up with a very specific plan for making it happen.  My partner and I were in couples therapy and I stated my intention to separate.  It was not a complete surprise to my partner, since we had danced around the topic for a while.  After the session we had a couple of conversations about how the separation would work, and then we had one more couples therapy session and we agreed to work with a mediator on the legal and financial details.

I was feeling great about finally taking this positive step for myself and not letting my old patterns cause me to change my mind or get charmed back in.  I felt proud that I was leaving as a result of my own choice, not because she ended the relationship on a whim, locked me out of the house, etc.

Then COVID-19 started hitting.  Only days later my partner and I shifted to working from home full-time.

Without going into the details, we had several people coming to the house throughout the week to perform services that we need.  My partner is at high risk for COVID-19 and asked whether it would be OK with me if we stopped having those people come to the house in light of the situation, so that we would be the only people there in order to control our exposure to COVID-19.  This would mean that the two of us would need to perform the tasks that those people had been performing.  I thought extremely carefully about it, because I wanted to make sure I was making a rational decision and not getting sucked into a charming.  I discussed it with my therapist and gave it a couple of days.  I ended up deciding that, as much as I disliked it, letting go of our home helpers during the crisis was the safest things for us and for them, and that this was truly an emergency situation that justified making a decision that was radically different than what I would do in normal circumstances.  (FYI, we are continuing to pay the workers in their absence.)

Another consequence of this is that our separation is on hold.  Even if it weren't true that leaving now would put my partner in the position of being responsible for everything at our current house, I would not want to go house or apartment hunting now and move into a new place in the middle of the pandemic.  I actually don't even know how possible that would be right now.

I am leaving out a lot of details, but let me make clear that I am constantly re-evaluating the situation, including re-evaluating whether I might be getting unintentionally sucked in by a charming under cover of the COVID-19 crisis, and I don't think that I am.  I am in regular touch with my therapist and a couple of trusted friends as sanity checks.

It is truly a bizarre situation and part of me has to laugh at it.  Nearly overnight I went from being on the verge of moving into my own place after years of being in an intolerable situation, to the two of us living and working together 24/7 in the middle of a pandemic and social distancing and a government "stay at home" order!

We are in week 3 now.  The first two weeks were quite peaceful.  You won't be surprised to hear that over the last 36 hours the flip has been switched in her mind and I am now the devil.  You know the drill.  I know from long experience not to take this personally, even though she is blaming every challenging thing in her life on me right now.  I also know not to try to figure out what caused the switch to flip.  Although there have been a few times over the years when she has had insight into what makes this happen, as far as I can tell most of the time she is unaware of why I go from white to black in her mind, and most of the time I cannot see any clear trigger for it.  It's just clear that once the switch is flipped, I can expect a long string of rageful blame directed at me until the phase passes.

Any advice?  Similar experiences recently?  One of the tough things about this is that in the past, when she started to rage bomb me, I had the option to go visit friends, hang out at a cafe, see a movie, etc., and all of those are off the table now with social distancing.  I can still go for  a walk or call a friend, but my options for getting a break feel much more limited.

[Note: I typed a certain word that begins with an "h" and is the name of a vacuum cleaner brand several times in this post, but it got automatically replaced with "charmed."  Why is that?  Am I not supposed to use that word?]

[Ccswim]

Hi TRB, I'm in a similar situation but a step behind you in the process, I'd been feeling pretty sure I wanted to move forward with a divorce this time and had been thinking it over for a few weeks at the advice of my therapist and couples therapist before having that talk with him (we've started the process officially once and separated a second time after that).  I was certain it was best and was trying to make a plan for how the talk should go to try and make this go as smooth as possible.  Then all this happened and it surprisingly hasn't been as terrible as I braced myself for so it has made me question things again and I don't know if I'm getting sucked back and why I'm less sure now.  But, I'm also just on edge for a potential explosion too and knowing it would be quite difficult to separate at the moment under these circumstances. 

It's very isolating because I've also always found solace in going out and keeping myself active as a nice respite and the limits on that I feel that makes it all worse.    I mainly just have commiseration since sadly I don't have any worthwhile advice since I'm right there with you! 

[Rev]

Hi ...I'm going to think about this and get back to you.

Rev

In the meantime - try to be as "small" as you can be.

[Cat Familiar]

I would suggest that you don’t listen to her acrimony. It sounds like you’re the target of her fears and uncertainty during this very fraught time.

It sounds as if you’ve got a lot of work to do that otherwise would be done by people you employ. How about excusing yourself from these tirades and going about and doing what has to be done.

I live on a ranch and I’ve got a ton of projects for which I have materials. My husband does not have a handyman bone in his body, so I’m the handywoman here.

I find it very meditative and peaceful to be outdoors repairing something when he’s in a “mood” and I can feel like I’ve accomplished something useful.

I’ve cancelled all the upcoming appointments for minor repairs, changing over the heating system to air conditioning and starting up the swamp coolers. I figure I’d rather do it myself than have people on the property touching surfaces I’d need to disinfect. I’m going to let the window washing slide for another year—that’s not something I’m going to tackle since our buildings are two stories.

Best not to listen to her blather and knowing that you’ve got one foot out the door anyway, does it really matter what she thinks of you?

[TRB]

I would suggest that you don’t listen to her acrimony. It sounds like you’re the target of her fears and uncertainty during this very fraught time.

It sounds as if you’ve got a lot of work to do that otherwise would be done by people you employ. How about excusing yourself from these tirades and going about and doing what has to be done.

All good advice.  Thanks very much.

Once we started being at home together, there was a certain set of chores that we started doing daily together.  I know this is part of the problem for both her and me.  It has given her many opportunities to criticize me for how flawed I am at getting these chores done.  In this recent "black" period she has had a couple of explosions at me for aspects of these chores that I was not even involved in.  Her creativity at coming up with stories about how those problems were my fault is amazing!

Yesterday we agreed that we should revisit the whole list of chores around the property and decide how to divide them up.  I am sure that conversation will be a nightmare.  But your advice motivates me to push for each of us to do our chores separately as much as possible.  There are very few things around the property that really need to involve both of us together at the same time.

Of course I realize that this will not necessarily stop her from exploding at me for how overburdened she feels by her chores, how I am abandoning her for not helping her more, how I have done my chores wrong, etc., but I think it would be a big improvement for us each to work separately as much as possible.  I know it would feel better for me.  Thanks again!

I’ve cancelled all the upcoming appointments for minor repairs, changing over the heating system to air conditioning and starting up the swamp coolers. I figure I’d rather do it myself than have people on the property touching surfaces I’d need to disinfect. I’m going to let the window washing slide for another year—that’s not something I’m going to tackle since our buildings are two stories.

Same here.  At least this is something my partner and I are both in agreement on for now.

Best not to listen to her blather and knowing that you’ve got one foot out the door anyway, does it really matter what she thinks of you?

A very helpful reminder!  It makes me realize that to some extent I have been falling back into my pattern of seeking her approval of me and then internalizing her criticism of me.  In recent years I have come to understand that a big part of what has kept me in this relationship so long is my own lack of self-love and my nearly limitless need for her approval.

I am very susceptible to feeling guilt as well.  When we both started this period of being at home together full time, which was just days after we agreed to contact a mediator to help us negotiate our separation, she said with a smile, and I believe she felt this sincerely, "Maybe this time together will give us a chance to reconnect."  I don't think she was intentionally trying to gaslight me, and I suspect that this is part of the BPD swing into idealization, but the rapid shift from us both agreeing to separate because it had become impossible for us to live together even part-time, to her seeing this as some kind of hopeful opportunity to get closer without acknowledging the reality of just a few days earlier (after many years of relationship hell), felt like emotional whiplash and gaslighting to me.

My main point is that when she expressed her desire to reconnect, I felt guilty for wanting to hold on to my decision to separate.  My mind would generate self-judgmental thoughts, like, "If you were a better person, you would see this as an opportunity to grow closer as well. Look at how welcoming she is being.  You are bad if you don't respond to that with openness and make an effort to reconnect with her now."

I also felt intense fear about what it would be like to be home together 24/7, with all of the additional home responsibilities added on top of it.  Then I felt guilty about being afraid--"A good person would just suck it up during a crisis like this.  You are weak, etc."  I have been working through this with my therapist and otherwise, and it has been helpful to be able to step back and recognize that these is my childhood programming playing out and is not helpful to me. 

Your reminder for me to notice my own tendency to seek her approval and care about what she thinks of me is extremely helpful as well.  My therapist has been trying to remind me that the desire for some degree of approval or validation in an intimate relationship is a healthy thing, but that in my case that tendency is out of balance and that I need to work on balancing it with my own self-love that is independent of the approval of my partner or anyone else.  I have come a long way on that, but I think this period of isolation with my partner is putting it to the test, because I am having so much contact with her and so much less contact with other people.  I have been communicating with friends via Zoom and phone and will recommit to doing that more.

Your comments have been extremely helpful.  Please feel free to share more.

[TRB]

Hi TRB, I'm in a similar situation but a step behind you in the process, I'd been feeling pretty sure I wanted to move forward with a divorce this time and had been thinking it over for a few weeks at the advice of my therapist and couples therapist before having that talk with him (we've started the process officially once and separated a second time after that).  I was certain it was best and was trying to make a plan for how the talk should go to try and make this go as smooth as possible.  Then all this happened and it surprisingly hasn't been as terrible as I braced myself for so it has made me question things again and I don't know if I'm getting sucked back and why I'm less sure now.  But, I'm also just on edge for a potential explosion too and knowing it would be quite difficult to separate at the moment under these circumstances. 

First, thanks so much for commiserating!  I think that is 90% of what I come to these message boards for.  It feels very good to me, whether or not it comes along with any advice.

Second, I can empathize with how difficult it must be for you to be in your situation.  Before COVID-19, I had at least a few days to soak up the good feelings I had about myself for deciding to separate, for telling my partner, for coming up with a proposal for a concrete separation plan, and for taking at least some initial steps to make it happen.  I also had a little opportunity to face my partner's wavering and attempts to get me to change my mind, and to stand firm in response to that.

I can imagine that if COVID had hit just a week earlier, I would have had a lot more self-doubt about whether my decision was valid and I would be questioning myself a lot more now.  It sounds like that is the situation you are in.  So I really feel for you.

If I may make a suggestion, it is to take some time at least once a day to step back from your current situation and remind yourself (in some way that feels safe and does not take you down a rabbit hole of rumination) of the long-term reality of the relationship you are in.  I know that Dr. Ramani has a YouTube video about this that I found helpful.  She suggested something like writing a list of the worst things you have experienced in the relationship.  This is not to give yourself a skewed perception of the relationship, because obviously there have been positives for you as well.  I think it is because people in our situation have such a strong tendency to discount our own feelings and experiences, and to get "sucked in" to our partner's current perception of reality (which can turn on a dime from day to day), that having a list of the worst experiences, especially the ones that have been repeated many many times, and referring back to that list when your partner is back to idealizing you or things seem "normal," can help to remind us of the true full reality of the relationship at a time when our feelings of guilt and obligation are skewing our minds to give us a falsely rosy picture of the relationship as a whole.

In the process of writing my own list, which I update over time, I experienced a few surprising and helpful things.  One is that I had forgotten several of the most traumatic experiences.  It was as if they had been erased from my mind until I got still with myself and let them come back.  I have since learned about "trauma amnesia" or whatever it is called.  Referring back to the written list is a good antidote to this for me.

Another thing was that writing down the list reminded me just how many experiences I had which were complete relationship deal-breakers just on their own!  I am not exaggerating to say I had maybe 20 experiences which, individually, felt like they justified me leaving the relationship immediately, even though I didn't act.  My therapist made a good suggestion to me a while ago: imagine myself hearing a friend of mine telling me that he had gone through one of these experiences, and ask myself what I would say to him or her.  When I did this, I would say, "You must either leave this relationship immediately, or address it directly and immediately as a fundamental betrayal, like if your partner had an affair, so that you could either repair that betrayal in the way that it deserves, or otherwise get out."

Anyway, I think my point is that these are some things I have done to help myself step back from the feelings I get sucked into during the "good times," in order to maintain a more balanced perspective on how I feel, and not let the good times and my partner's current idealization pull me away from my own perception of reality and my own feelings.  In turn, this helps me to make decisions that are consistent with my own values, and to stick to those decisions over time.  But if it helps, I am very far from a master at this!  My recent decision to separate took many years of wavering back and forth, leaving and coming back, experiencing her leaving and then accepting her back, and on and on.  And the reason I posted my message in the first place was to get some support with just how difficult it is being for me to stay present with my decision to separate and not let myself get sucked into her reality and feelings at the expense of my own, in light of the circumstances under COVID-19.

Peace to you and I hope this is helpful and I look forward to hearing more from you if you are open. And please ignore anything here that does not apply to you.   

[Rev]

If I may make a suggestion, it is to take some time at least once a day to step back from your current situation and remind yourself (in some way that feels safe and does not take you down a rabbit hole of rumination) of the long-term reality of the relationship you are in.  I know that Dr. Ramani has a YouTube video about this that I found helpful.  She suggested something like writing a list of the worst things you have experienced in the relationship.  This is not to give yourself a skewed perception of the relationship, because obviously there have been positives for you as well.  I think it is because people in our situation have such a strong tendency to discount our own feelings and experiences, and to get "sucked in" to our partner's current perception of reality (which can turn on a dime from day to day), that having a list of the worst experiences, especially the ones that have been repeated many many times, and referring back to that list when your partner is back to idealizing you or things seem "normal," can help to remind us of the true full reality of the relationship at a time when our feelings of guilt and obligation are skewing our minds to give us a falsely rosy picture of the relationship as a whole.

In the process of writing my own list, which I update over time, I experienced a few surprising and helpful things.  One is that I had forgotten several of the most traumatic experiences.  It was as if they had been erased from my mind until I got still with myself and let them come back.  I have since learned about "trauma amnesia" or whatever it is called.  Referring back to the written list is a good antidote to this for me.

Another thing was that writing down the list reminded me just how many experiences I had which were complete relationship deal-breakers just on their own!  I am not exaggerating to say I had maybe 20 experiences which, individually, felt like they justified me leaving the relationship immediately, even though I didn't act.  My therapist made a good suggestion to me a while ago: imagine myself hearing a friend of mine telling me that he had gone through one of these experiences, and ask myself what I would say to him or her.  When I did this, I would say, "You must either leave this relationship immediately, or address it directly and immediately as a fundamental betrayal, like if your partner had an affair, so that you could either repair that betrayal in the way that it deserves, or otherwise get out."



Peace to you and I hope this is helpful and I look forward to hearing more from you if you are open. And please ignore anything here that does not apply to you.   

Wow,

All great stuff.  I said I was going to take a few days to offer suggestions and here you are ahead of the game.

This lists - they are soo important to remember. These days I am so thankful that I am no longer living with her. When she would lose it, she could become violent and break things.

So peace to you. You seem to have this.

Rev

[TRB]

Wow,

All great stuff.  I said I was going to take a few days to offer suggestions and here you are ahead of the game.

This lists - they are soo important to remember. These days I am so thankful that I am no longer living with her. When she would lose it, she could become violent and break things.

So peace to you. You seem to have this.

Rev

Thank you!  I am feeling good.  One thing I did recently after a large explosion aimed at me was to call on my "Advisory Board"--my therapist, a few close friends, my business coach, and even a previous couples therapist who had encouraged me to contact her if things ever got bad again.  It was great to feel like I had a "team" of people who had my back, could provide a sanity check, and advocate for me.  I wish I had started doing this a long time ago.

Right now I am securing an apartment for myself and getting it ready to be moved into.  It is not easy to do with COVID!  I found a place that can be furnished and has pretty much everything I need in it already.  I have packed a couple of bags of key essentials and hid them in my car, and have made sure that all of my essential items are safe from my partner if I need to move out on the spot.

One thing I am still trying to figure out is whether to just move out first and tell my partner later, or have some other plan.

Among my "Advisory Board," I have been given the following suggestions:

* Move out first, tell my partner after.
* When I feel ready, tell my partner "I've gotten an apartment and am moving there today".
* Secure the apartment so that it is ready to move into at any time, then approach my partner about resuming the separation planning.  At least I would know that if she explodes I have a placed to go to.  Be prepared to set a date by which I will move out if she doesn't cooperate on a separation plan.

It is confusing and difficult.  I feel a lot of guilt at the prospect of moving out on short notice with the COVID situation, because there is a lot to handle at our house and I feel like I would be leaving my partner in the lurch.  Plus I am sure it will trigger her fears of abandonment.

On the other hand, the whole reason I feel the need to have a place to stay at instantly is that my partner has erupted in a rage several times over the years and demanded that I move out, or has locked me out of the house, thrown things, physically blocked me from getting a suitcase and clothing, etc.

In light of this I realize my guilt is probably 10% rational and 90% from my childhood programming and guilt-tripping I have been subjected to in this relationship.  For about a year I have tried to engage with my partner on developing a coordinated plan for separating that would work for both of us and happen over a comfortable schedule, yet she won't engage.  Two consecutive couples therapists have advised us to separate and have said there is nothing more they can do for us until we agree to separate; then they could try to help with carrying out the separation.  My Advisory Board is telling me I have bent over backwards to be reasonable about cooperating with my partner about separating and that there would be nothing wrong with me just moving out at this point.  But I still feel horrible guilt at the thought of it.

So at the moment I am at least trying to take some concrete steps every day towards getting my own place and moving my own plan forward, whether or not my partner is cooperating with me.  I am pretty close to signing a lease and believe that the apartment will be ready to move into by May 1.

I am also staying in close touch with my Advisory Board and have asked them to keep repeating the same things to me over and over again and to be patient with me, because I know how quickly I can get sucked back into being driven by guilt and gaslighting.

I appreciate you saying that you think I have this covered, but I know there is still a big disconnect between my intellectual understanding of the situation and how I am acting out of fear and guilt.  I am getting better but am far from where I would like to be.

Any suggestions?

[Rev]

Thank you!  I am feeling good.  One thing I did recently after a large explosion aimed at me was to call on my "Advisory Board"--my therapist, a few close friends, my business coach, and even a previous couples therapist who had encouraged me to contact her if things ever got bad again.  It was great to feel like I had a "team" of people who had my back, could provide a sanity check, and advocate for me.  I wish I had started doing this a long time ago.

Right now I am securing an apartment for myself and getting it ready to be moved into.  It is not easy to do with COVID!  I found a place that can be furnished and has pretty much everything I need in it already.  I have packed a couple of bags of key essentials and hid them in my car, and have made sure that all of my essential items are safe from my partner if I need to move out on the spot.

One thing I am still trying to figure out is whether to just move out first and tell my partner later, or have some other plan.

Among my "Advisory Board," I have been given the following suggestions:

* Move out first, tell my partner after.
* When I feel ready, tell my partner "I've gotten an apartment and am moving there today".
* Secure the apartment so that it is ready to move into at any time, then approach my partner about resuming the separation planning.  At least I would know that if she explodes I have a placed to go to.  Be prepared to set a date by which I will move out if she doesn't cooperate on a separation plan.

It is confusing and difficult.  I feel a lot of guilt at the prospect of moving out on short notice with the COVID situation, because there is a lot to handle at our house and I feel like I would be leaving my partner in the lurch.  Plus I am sure it will trigger her fears of abandonment.

On the other hand, the whole reason I feel the need to have a place to stay at instantly is that my partner has erupted in a rage several times over the years and demanded that I move out, or has locked me out of the house, thrown things, physically blocked me from getting a suitcase and clothing, etc.

In light of this I realize my guilt is probably 10% rational and 90% from my childhood programming and guilt-tripping I have been subjected to in this relationship.  For about a year I have tried to engage with my partner on developing a coordinated plan for separating that would work for both of us and happen over a comfortable schedule, yet she won't engage.  Two consecutive couples therapists have advised us to separate and have said there is nothing more they can do for us until we agree to separate; then they could try to help with carrying out the separation.  My Advisory Board is telling me I have bent over backwards to be reasonable about cooperating with my partner about separating and that there would be nothing wrong with me just moving out at this point.  But I still feel horrible guilt at the thought of it.

So at the moment I am at least trying to take some concrete steps every day towards getting my own place and moving my own plan forward, whether or not my partner is cooperating with me.  I am pretty close to signing a lease and believe that the apartment will be ready to move into by May 1.

I am also staying in close touch with my Advisory Board and have asked them to keep repeating the same things to me over and over again and to be patient with me, because I know how quickly I can get sucked back into being driven by guilt and gaslighting.

I appreciate you saying that you think I have this covered, but I know there is still a big disconnect between my intellectual understanding of the situation and how I am acting out of fear and guilt.  I am getting better but am far from where I would like to be.

Any suggestions?

yes- do the thing that gets you from a to b as quickly as possible.

I will write you back tomorrow

Rev

[Cat Familiar]

Perhaps another way to look at acquiring your own place is to get breathing room to be able to assess your relationship independently during this health emergency. People take therapeutic separations to get a different perspective.

Having that option will clarify your decision about the future of your relationship.

[Rev]

It is confusing and difficult.  I feel a lot of guilt at the prospect of moving out on short notice with the COVID situation, because there is a lot to handle at our house and I feel like I would be leaving my partner in the lurch.  Plus I am sure it will trigger her fears of abandonment.

On the other hand, the whole reason I feel the need to have a place to stay at instantly is that my partner has erupted in a rage several times over the years and demanded that I move out, or has locked me out of the house, thrown things, physically blocked me from getting a suitcase and clothing, etc.

  But I still feel horrible guilt at the thought of it.

So at the moment I am at least trying to take some concrete steps every day towards getting my own place and moving my own plan forward, whether or not my partner is cooperating with me.  I am pretty close to signing a lease and believe that the apartment will be ready to move into by May 1.

I am also staying in close touch with my Advisory Board and have asked them to keep repeating the same things to me over and over again and to be patient with me, because I know how quickly I can get sucked back into being driven by guilt and gaslighting.

I appreciate you saying that you think I have this covered, but I know there is still a big disconnect between my intellectual understanding of the situation and how I am acting out of fear and guilt.  I am getting better but am far from where I would like to be.

Any suggestions?

Hello again -

Here is the bottom line - I think you have this covered because you are doing all of the right things - especially returning to your advisory board for reminders. Even calling them an advisory board is a great re-frame, because at this point you are taking coaching as much as your are seeking therapy.

There is NO WAY that this news will not trigger her.  NO WAY possible to understand what the right or wrong timing is. The entire hook that a disordered person has over a codependent one is for them to use our empathy to solve the disorder. IT is to lure us into a sense that we can in fact make sense of feelings based facts. It's a little like putting a compass next to a magnet.

All the compassionate things you would like to offer her - they are all ethical, moral and commendable. Unless she is trying to hurt you in some way - then good for you for wanting to help her in some way.

Don't you owe it to her to give her your best?  Wouldn't your best be when your compass works fine? Doesn't it work better when your thoughts and emotions cooperate rather than work at cross purposes?  These questions are all rhetorical of course because your rational self knows this.

Be kind by being quick and seamless. You can do this.

Hope this makes sense.  My two cents anyway.

Rev.

[Rev]

Perhaps another way to look at acquiring your own place is to get breathing room to be able to assess your relationship independently during this health emergency. People take therapeutic separations to get a different perspective.

Having that option will clarify your decision about the future of your relationship.

This is an excellent, excellent perspective on how to get perspective.

[TRB]

Perhaps another way to look at acquiring your own place is to get breathing room to be able to assess your relationship independently during this health emergency. People take therapeutic separations to get a different perspective.

Having that option will clarify your decision about the future of your relationship.

Yes, extremely helpful.  Thank you.  I don't feel like I am able to think completely clearly while we are living together.  Mostly clearly, but not entirely.  At least I am aware that my thinking is clouded by my feelings, especially my fear of her exploding.

Just signed a lease today and the apartment will be ready for me on May 1, so I am getting there...  Still not sure if I will be moving in immediately, but just knowing it is there will be a huge relief.  At the moment I don't have anywhere else to go.  In normal times I would stay with a friend in a pinch, but with COVID that is not really an option at the moment.

Thank you for all of the support!