Trying to save marriage for children

[Cole101010]

I’m have been with my wife for 3 years. I was codependent and an addict when we start out. We had a child very early on in our marriage. We were married very quickly. After our son was born I fell into addiction. She fought very hard for me. After I got right I changed all of my old habits and finally started being a good husband. During that time my wife had an affair. It was very hard for me to even believe. We are both very active in church and are leaders in our church. We have a 2 children. She started to hate me it seemed for no reason. She put up a wall and nothing I did worked or was good enough. She kicked me out of the house. I ended up getting my own place. It’s been a back and forth where she would start communicating only to cut it off and verbally abuse me. I would always have a lot of patience until I couldn’t take anymore. She has now completely cut me off. There’s been no communication between us for over a week. I love my wife and as a man of God I want to stay with her and be there for our kids. I know what I’m going up against and I’m willing to go through it. I have no idea what I can do to win her back. I need help. I’m very depressed and I don’t know how to deal with my emotions or what I’m feeling. Everything happened so fast. It seems like the woman that cared for me so deeply is gone and there’s nothing I can do to change it. I don’t want to believe it’s over. I’m willing to do whatever I have to do to make our marriage work. I’m open ears and will take advice. I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m very broken and confused to how it all happened. I feel like I am all alone in this. My faith in God is the only thing keeping me from not going back into addiction.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Cole, and

i can hear how much you love your wife.

there are significant obstacles here. the key, really, is to understand that these obstacles didnt start over night, and wont be repaired over night, and while there is no guarantee that they can be repaired, there is hope.

It’s been a back and forth where she would start communicating only to cut it off and verbally abuse me. I would always have a lot of patience until I couldn’t take anymore. She has now completely cut me off.

since this was the most recent exchange between the two of you, can you tell us more about what was said, how it played out?

[Cole101010]

Yes, the arguement was over the Adair. She told me pacific details about it. It was very hurtful. I called her names at the time. Because of how hurt I was. She constantly talks down on me and I can deal with for a while. Eventually I lose control and I explode in anger, and frustration. The inability to be heard it seems. The always apologizing and never receiving apologies. Being told that I’m narcissistic. Never having my feeling or heart heard. Always trying to feed her. And never receiving anything back. It’s difficult to handle, for a while I wanted to believe that she did not have bpd. Being on this board helps me realize that it’s real. I’m not the only one dealing with this. Anyway I eventually explode. I get made out like the bad guy. I want to learn how to communicate better. I want to be there for her. I love her and I love my kids. I can’t imagine not being in there life. After I raged she cut me off..she told me if contacted her she’d file harrassment charges on me. I can’t see my children now. She refuses to even see me. It’s like she’s scared, and has no reason to be. I put her through hell in my addiction. She was there for me. I want to be there for her as she was for me. I take my marriage seriously. I accept her for who she is. I truly love her regardless of faults. I have no idea what to do. How to heal. I pray a lot, it helps. The confusion of why, how someone could love me so hard. Change completely and treat me so bad. My pastor doesn’t seem to understand. It seems like no one does. I’ve never felt more alone and abandoned by the person I care about more than anything.