Bpd partner or not?

[JustMatthew]

Does my partner have Bpd? My partner of 5 years has a history of short relationships not even lasting a year and one very much following on from another.

There are substance abuse issues with weed and alcohol too but she is able to function in the world of work and works very hard. She does however avoid responsibilty in running the household although frequently would rage if something wasn't done her way.

She had a mental breakdown during our relationship which I nursed her through and I took care of everything for a year whilst she was unemployed.

I was idolised and it did feel nice, our sex life was good, we enjoyed doing lots of things together and she wanted me to prioritise her over everything, she also expressed constant worries I might leave her. Once or twice a week she would have a rage attack over small issues but I was happy to brush this off and accept it.

After we became engaged and bought a house together things started to change. I could do no right and anything she had to do for me she became very resentful about. After being held up so high I was constantly put down and then the next moment told how great I was. This left me feeling very disorientated and fearful that I would do something wrong and experience another attack.

Very suddenly all intimacy reduced greatly and she embarked on an affair with a very strange man at work. He was old enough to be her father, still lived with parents and by anyone's standards very unattractive. She was not conspicuous and when I approached the subject received physical and verbal abuse and gaslighting. I was told I was crazy and paranoid. After this going on for weeks I exposed the affair by reading her phone and showing her the screenshots of what she had done. She ended things immediately.

After I kicked her out she was shocked and has been desperately trying to live with me, she said she still loves me but thinks I can't get over the betrayal and that I dont really love her. I looked in to her odd behaviour and it led me to this site where the symptoms of Bpd were like looking in to a mirror with her face on it.

We have had no contact for several days but the last thing she said was I'm sorry I screwed everything up when I was so close to everthing we wanted and that she would miss me and didn't know what to do without me. Is this Bpd and is she likely to return? I love her but am not sure I can forgive her even if I do want her back. Any advise or comments welcome.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Face of Melinda]

Hello! What a rollercoaster you've been on! My experience in my 15 year relationship is that it's cyclical; but the highs of the beginning don't really cycle. The only cycle goes from, Maybe this could work to This is unbearable... So I mean diagnoses aside you seem to have a person who is predictably unstable... It's so hard when you've invested time money and heart in this relationship and there were good times, but I feel the bad times resurface too and slowly drain you. My spouse hasn't cheated but I'm definitely worn out by criticism, expectations, double standards, and blame. My spouse wouldn't go to therapy so little chance of him being diagnosed one way or the other. But if he read the descriptions on the internet he'd surely reject it out if hand. I read that with hope; there's real hope where there's some evidence they are working to change and toxic hope where there are just promises and wishes.

[JustMatthew]

Thanks, you must be incredibly strong to be with someone for 15 years and take the rough with the smooth