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Author Topic: Return to sanity  (Read 382 times)
Billyjames

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 4


« on: April 09, 2020, 04:28:26 AM »

Holy Smokes!

I’ve mostly thought of myself as fairly intelligent and informed.
After reading about BPD and reading blogs on this site, I’m finally getting answers that perhaps will lead to understanding and sanity.

I had no clue about this disorder.

I’m in the middle of ending a 9 year relationship.
She’s moved out ( not all of her “stuff” yet) but we continue to communicate.

There seems to be a common thread here.
In the beginning of our relationship, I thought I had won the lottery. She was beautiful, compassionate, sexy, and seemily loving. It seemed we were made for each other.
It seemed like we shared total understanding.
I totally fell in love ( or so I thought )

Fast forward 9 years...
She’s having sex with a coworker and finding interest in things that he’s interested in.
I have no idea of who she is... and she doesn’t either.
The puzzle pieces are coming together.
Of course, hindsight is 20/20.
Throughout our relationship, I noticed that she took on widely different beliefs according to who she was in front of.
After time, I asked myself; what are her beliefs?
I thought I knew everything about her...
Now I know that she likes horses and flowers.
That’s all I know for sure.

She was neglected as a child.
I don’t think she’s ever had a solid sense of who she is.

I’m confused... I don’t know if I should bring these observations to her attention in hopes that she might seek out professional therapy...
Or run for the hills.

I greatly appreciate this site...I’m trying to understand, regain some sanity and move on with my life.

Any thoughts would certainly be welcome

Thank you


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formflier
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



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« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2020, 07:16:08 AM »


Welcome

You have found a group of people that "get it".  I remember when I first starting reading about the disorder and realized I wasn't alone.

Realized that others went through similar experiences.

Can you tell me more about what you are communicating about?

Does she seem to have any self awareness about her potential condition?

I'll check back soon to see if you have answered. 

Best,

FF
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Billyjames

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 4


« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2020, 08:50:02 AM »

Thank you so much for your reply.

Right now, we’re communicating about staying safe with this virus along with her daughters.
We’re also talking about logistics of her moving out ( she’s out of the house now.)
We also converse about “ spiritual “ material and healing ( no talk of trying to get together)
She seems determined not to keep a line of failed relationships from continuing.
She seems committed to gaining a healthy lifestyle.
The next day, she’s in a hot tub with her party friends.
This is mind boggling... she becomes the person that is in front of her!
My thought was... with care, point out what I have observed in our relationship...endless mirroring of myself and other people
If this behavior comes out of the subconscious mind, perhaps she should know about it and hopefully get professional help.
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formflier
Retired Staff
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2020, 09:54:15 AM »


OK, what are your goals with her/the relationship?

Have you asked her if she is interested in your insights?

Best,

FF
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Billyjames

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2020, 10:18:20 AM »

Thank you again,

We plan to have a discussion this coming Saturday.
We have had discussions in the past that seem to have been productive. ( before I became aware of BPD)
I believe that she’s open.
I try to stay open minded, but I believe our “ romantic “ relationship is totally broken.
I do believe there is care on both sides.
Of course I need to examine my own motivations and question why it took so long to investigate our relationship.
I can only hope that she seeks professional help.
Like everyone else, she deserves to have health.
I plan to treat this discussion with care and understanding vs.sadness and anger.
Once again, any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance for your help.
I’m so incredibly grateful for finding this site.
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DiscoDave

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 26


« Reply #5 on: April 10, 2020, 08:02:54 AM »

Hi Billy,

Sorry to hear of your story, 9 years wow! I've just come out of a relationship that lasted 7 and I'm just starting to find my feet along the road to recovery.

I just wanted to applaud you for the level of maturity you are showing in the handling of the situation, particularly where infidelity has come into it. You should feel encouraged by the great strength that is clearly within you.
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Billyjames

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 4


« Reply #6 on: April 10, 2020, 10:42:47 AM »

Hi Dave,

Thank you for your words of encouragement.
What I need most is to find both my feet planted firmly on the ground. In my opinion, I could never lead an authentic life without inner peace.
If I was much younger and had a child with my ex, perhaps I would try to repair something than may be unrepairable.

I’m going to speak with her, point out observations of endless mirroring, and hope that she seems professional help.

Of course she may continue to mirror while I’m speaking,
She may actually see a therapist and mirror with them.
She may also go to her party friends and tell them that I am attempting to use psycobabble on her.
I have to let go of any expectations, say my piece, and then continue to detach.
I don’t think any horror story author could come up with a more twisted story.
I hope she gets help and I hope I recover as quickly as possible from this bizarre situation.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences.
Although I wouldn’t want to wish this on anybody, it’s comforting to know that I’m not alone.
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