My adult BPD -D is turning the grandkids against us

[Thirteen]

My adult daughter is NOT diagnosed, but I firmly believe she is narcissistic and BPD.  She is in home isolation with her five kids, the oldest (21) our oldest grandson and with plenty of problems of his own, possible BPD also.  She leans heavily on the 19 y.o. who is suddenly bombarding me via text and email with - Why didn't you help my mom?  Why did you turn your back on us? - which, I promise you, I never did.  Just yesterday before I got this, I had sent her money from my social security check because I know she needs to feed those kids.  My daughter, to her credit, has been the sole support of those kids (the fathers are - pfflt )  My grandkids are hearing only her narrative, in which I am forever the wicked malicious, uncaring cold monster-mother (and my husband her father the a**hole, ineffectual, etc.- you know...).  I try to listen with empathy and respond accordingly but these are direct attacks, or feel like them.  I KNOW a lot of this is coming up because they are all locked inside with each other and she, my daughter, is no doubt freaking out about work and money.  But what can I do a) to help her and b) to move this to a more reasonable dialogue where I don't feel attacked and defensive and can validate and support them?  My grandson thinks his mother is the best, most generous and kindest person in the world and I love that he thinks that.  So how can I extricate myself from being his dart board and deal with the feelings of abandonment HE feels - his father did abandon them - but lays at my door?  My D, his mom, was 35 and married when my husband and I narrowly avoided the recession (bankruptcy - but my kids don't know that) 12 years ago and moved away to live cheaper in retirement.  She sees that as abandoning her and is teaching her kids that we abandoned them also.  I can't "out" his mother to this boy, and she is not diagnosed, so I can't point to that, she has never acknowledged that she herself has a problem.  It is always the people around her - me, her dad, her brother, her sister, the two men she's been married to and a string of others.

But I do want to help him - and her.  All of them.  I feel their pain, I hate that they are hurting.  Any advice?  Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Thirteen!

I was wondering how you were doing.  In so many ways you and I could be co-authoring the same book.

I am not the same person I was a couple of years ago.  I so remember being where you are now.   For me the weight of my sadness was overwhelming...even waking in the middle of the night to cry.  Always the words in my head..."but why?"

Sadly healing is a journey...sometimes a long journey.  I was in my early 70's before I managed to grab onto a lifeline and pull myself in.  The hurt was building up and up...and I had suicidal thoughts.

From her early teens our daughter was out to inflict pain on us...well, especially me, her Mom.  The rejection ripped my heart out.  Then her children came along (the absolute loves of our loves) and she soon realized she had yet another tool in her arsenal.

I so agree with you that you shouldn't "out" his mother to your grandson.  We have no contact with one grandchild and sporadic with the other.  No matter what has happened over the years, they have never-ever heard us bad-mouth their mother and they never will.  During her single-parent days, we were surrogate parents to them.  In those early years they would run into our arms but then subtle changes started to happen.   Will I ever forget the day one was so angry at being told by her mother that she couldn't go out...had to stay home and be part of the birthday dinner being held for me?  She actually looked at me and snarled.  In telling this, I feel tears.

There is no doubt that your daughter has shared much of what she feels about you with your grandchildren...probably no glowing praise.  How can you defend yourself...counter what she has said...when you have not been there to hear?    You can't...nor should you get into a battle of words that you never could win.  Neither should you have to listen and re-listen to your daughter's...your grandchild's...hurtful words.  You can learn how to circumvent...acknowledge...move on.   What an eye-opener it was for me when I first read about...J-A-D-E...in a heated conversation don't...Justify/Argue/Deny/Explain.  No fuel is being added to a fire...no wind being put into sails.

None of us here can really advise another.  We are not privy to the specific dynamics in another's family/situation.  I sometimes will go over a reply I have written to another and wonder if, in the writing, I am making it all about me.  My intention, though, is to show parallels in our stories...what has worked for me...what I have done (am doing) to make my life better.

Your closing text is..."Thanks for listening."  Thirteen, that is what this forum is all about.  Never, ever feel you are over-staying your welcome...boring others!  Your story is important...YOU are important.  What is happening to you and your husband should not be happening.  This should not be your "payback" after all the loving years you put into raising your daughter and being loving grandparents to her children.  Well...this pandemic should not be happening, either...but it is...and all of us are being forced into changing our ways to ensure for better tomorrows.   It can be so, so hard to change.

From one Mom/Grandmother to another...a ((HUG)   Hope you keep coming back for more because I have more to give.

Huat

[Blueskyday]

What can I say, they have a way of making us look bad. They can see round corners and grasp all opportunities to make us look bad.

All you can do is be yourself. Be honest about yourself and allow the Grandchildren to make their own decisions. Be there for them in whatever small ways you can.

Sending a hug from one Grandparent to another