Catch 22?

[Imatter33]

Hello, Imatter33. This is most certainly a great community. A game changer. Are you willing to talk more about your situation and what is bothering you?

First off JNChell, thanks for probing. I was thinking that I'm great and fine and don't need to process anything...har har har.

I just haven't been able to get anything written down in a while about my feelings or current situation until now.

The Catch 22 of it?

NC with mom turned into VLC with my oldest brother who I believe has BPD traits and behaves a lot like my mom.
My life has NEVER been more peaceful due to this.

Before NC

I was tethered to my phone, bracing myself for bizarre and criptic text messages, pretty much living in the swamp FOG day in and out. Both of my mom and brother.

What crisis will occur? What are the crazy emotional/other expectations of me and my family?

What guilt trip will they think of this time?

Is it even worth telling either one of them good news? (No)



The catch 22 is that my life has never been more peaceful but that leaves me with no relationship with half of my family.

I want them to honor LC someday ( I understand it’s about me not them) but implementing LC from NC is not an option right now.

I am 100% NC but any change  from that NC to LC is that I lose some peace. It’s completely inevitable.

If this were a friendship relationship it would be a no brainer.
In fact I have “broken up with” at least 3 toxic friendships at this point in my life.

All of those ladies had BPD traits. I tried for years with them and in the end they did not impart value into my life and left me emotionally dry.
So N.C. with them? Easy.

To lose an unknown amount of mine (and my husbands) peace to go from N.C. with mom to L.C.?

HARD.

Worth it?

 I DON’T KNOW!


 I don’t want contact now, but H’s refusal to discuss contact (ever) bc of his own hurt (and valid) feelings have made me stop planning on going LC anytime soon.
It feels like he needs more time ...(year(S)

BUT if  I go years more... I’m afraid I’ll never want a relationship with her again?

Furthermore in a recent post of my own, I identified that my mom still emotionally overwhelms me and that I don't want to give her opportunity to do that to me anymore.

Oh man.

Anyone else somewhere close these type of feelings?

Am i skirting by something I need to feel/work on because I am respecting where my H is at?

 

[JNChell]

This sounds hard. My parents are dead. Anytime they tried to contact me after they moved away filled me with anxiety and a very uncomfortable sense of obligation and guilt. I hated talking to them. A simple message would upset my whole day.

I hear you on having to make the hard choice on family. Maybe that is a good place to start thinking about yourself more and what a healthy family dynamic looks like for you and your future.

This sounds like a complicated dynamic with you and your husband. Have the two of you considered counseling? It can help.

Only you know if you’re skirting the situation, but merely discussing it is telling. What do you think?

[Imatter33]

Oddly enough my older brother called my H.  And I swear this happens when I get to thinking of him. Like a strange sonar...( more on this in a minute)

Anyway my H and I Have had very limited talk about my family dynamics for about three months. we hit a wall where he felt no contact with her was the only course of action. H and I have been VLC with my older brother.

He hasn’t talked/called me since the week before Xmas, but we do engage in limited sharing and liking of FB posts.

So he called my husband this morning completely out of the blue and he wants to talk about my relationship with Mom. I caught some things my husband side like I don’t know if she’s there yet man, and I agree with you. I was taken off guard but thought this is okay my husband can handle himself.

In an odd way this brought up the issue of my family dynamics to my husband ,and he thought that we should figure some stuff out. So he is open to talking about boundaries and where we are.

I said to him very calmly I sort of wish he would have said”  hey “brother”I am not going to talk to you about my wife or your  mom.” He could’ve just stated this politely and  We would’ve been echoing being on the same page. I also think my brother would’ve excepted it. But that is neither here nor there now.

Instead H said some things to my bro about mom and a possible BPD  diagnosis and The fact that he doesn’t think I’ve had strong boundaries in the past with mom...

H has thought about the phone call on and off today.

And H said, “wow if I learned anything I find that I don’t have the best boundaries.”

 I want to freak out but I also just want this to be The jumpstart to conversations we need to have.


I think we both are coming to terms that we might be open to low contact again but that first conversation with mom will prove to be very challenging. We don’t want to address anything from the past for the reasons why no contact happened.

I read from others on here... that starting from the present moment kind of thing when going LC is valuable but I just don’t know how it will play out in real life, and it terrifies me. I feel like if I give my mom even a tiny bit she will accept  it at first and then push back in anger.
When will her anger not have control over my emotions when will I stop being scared?