Hello, and happy Easter to everyone who celebrate !
I used to visit this board a while ago but I for got all my logins, so I created a new account ! Let’s start all over (sigh) ! I need some help (not sure what topic to fit that in).
So I had to get this off my chest a little bit (it’ll be a long post): I’m terrible at handling the silent treatment. Or any silence whatsoever. And it’s because I start quickly imagining the worst case scenarios. And I get a
PLEASE READ of a panic attack.
I think it’s due to my (uBPD) mother. She is a “loving” (of it’s kind) mother, but she used to punish me by ignoring me and giving me the silent treatment when I was little (I’m in my thirties now). She used to complain a lot about her health as well. Ever since I remember myself, she was “old” and “fragile”. I remember one day at school, when I was 8, it was a normal English class, my mother had to pick me up. Did she say she’s going to pick me earlier or whatever reason, I do not remember, but I just started sobbing in the middle of the class, imaging that something has happened to my mother and I might never see her again. It’s not that I feared an abandonment of my own. I had real worries for her ! Noone understood what’s happening to me, as I was too embarrassed to tell and kept it for myself. Finally, my mother came to pick me up, she didn’t understand neither. When she asked why I cry, I just told her “I don’t know”, therefore she made a conclusion I wasn’t very normal. To this very day she points out this event when she wants to “prove” my craziness.
When my parents divorced (I was older then), my mother used to “give me” the silent treatment by locking herself in her room, not making a sound. I then carefully listened to every sound she makes through the wall to reassure me she’s alive. And even later on, I continued doing this, at night, even if it wasn’t the silent treatment, as it appeared later, my mother also has a sleep apnea. So I listened her breathing.
Whenever I had a big dispute with my mother and I left our house, I wasn’t far for very long. Every time I was starting a huge panic attack, imagining that my mother’s health is just not going to “take” that much of her own anger. So I came back every time to check on her.
You might think I was exaggerating a lot. Yes I was. But then again, my mother (till this very day) uses phrases, like: “you will regret it a lot after I die”, “you want my death, it may come sooner than you think”, “go, leave, you might find me dead when you’re back”. On top of it all, I had to call an ambulance a few times, thinking, that’s it, she’s having a heart attack or whatever. But she never was.
Luckily, I started to “manage” it a little better. Whenever we had a huge dispute and I left, I said, calmly, I need some time off, I won’t be back tonight (progress!). Last time though, I planned to leave for a longer time. I (mistake?) asked her to pick up her phone when I call her just to know if everything’s allright and she said “I’ll try”. I called her next morning, she didn’t answer. A few hours later, I returned home, just before I entered, I called her again. No answer. I then entered the house, she was working on her computer, phone next to her. She was angry that I bothered her.
So yeah, I guess now she knows my fears very well and she uses them against me.
Btw, I work in a healthcare (I like it a lot, but my mother influenced this choice), so I see a lot of situations, when, let’s say, someone is not receiving any news from their relative, they go check on him, to discover, he’s on the floor, had palsy or whatever. Yay.
Ok, so now what about my love relationships ?
When I met my first long-term boyfriend, he was freshly diagnosed with a terminal illness. And he was uBPD. If it wasn’t him, I might think till this day, that my relationship with my mother is ok. I hadn’t had much love experience back then, I didn’t know what to think. And boy oh boy, did he give me the silent treatment a lot ! We didn’t live together (my choice). When I texted him or called him 1/3 of times he kept silence. I never knew what is it going to be. He somehow expressed some suicidal thoughts, he was a depressed guy (great choice of mine, huh?), when he was going silent, I was sick of worry. Whenever he was silent, I texted him million times, wrote hopeful e-mails, called him many times ! Sometimes he answered, sometimes not. Then, if no answer, was going to his place, knocking the door, sometimes he answered, sometimes not. Then, if no answer, I was checking his window, hoping for any signs of “a movement”. I was crazy. I remember it with tears. I still have nightmares about this. Fast forward, our relationship slowly died, as I grew “more confident” and he grew nastier. Just to tell, at any point, he never attempted a suicide (as much as he made a fuss), he “stayed” till the very very very end of his illness. He passed away, and I never wanted to overthink (thank god?).
My actual boyfriend (we've been together like, for 8 moths?). We don’t live together (yet?). He’s really not perfect. But I always liked him, because I felt him non toxic. You know, that’s my priority ! However, I sometimes feel like he’s trying to ”test me”. But he was never really good at it (and I have a lot of experience!), so it never really bothered me. Sometimes he goes off (not often) for a day or two, I learned to “keep my nerve”, assuming he needs that and that he’s just fine. Last time, however, I just lost it. He went “off”, but I wasn’t texting him, nor calling him, as always, assuming, he will do it by himself as soon as he wants to. Two more days as “usual” (yeah, it was not very usual of him) and I’ve lost it (btw, he has some health issues as well). I texted him and, when no answer, I called him to ask if everything's allright. Thank god he answered (fiy he wasn’t that occupied..).
So to resume. If for somewhat reason a “dear” person wants to back off, that’s fine for me. If he needs to do some work, that’s great ! If he wants to ghost me, no worries. If a boyfriend of mine finds a new girlfriend, whatsoever. If they just want to ignore me, that’s alright. But if I start to worry that something has happened to them, that I might be too late, if I don’t do something NOW. Oh boy, I get an enormous panic attack. I go SICK. My body falls apart. My mind goes crazy. I can’t hold myself. And I think this is a huge problem. It’s a “gate open” to have miserable relationships, it’s a “rope” that keeps me tied to my mother’s excessive behavior. I have managed so far to progress in tiny little steps, but it’s not enough. I don’t think I could ever handle a NC (or even LC) with my mother ? It’s impossible ! You might think, this is an abandonment issue, just like one’s that have borderline. Being needy, clingy. SIGH. I just care for the other person too much. Being a huge introvert myself, the simple fact (if I just knew) that he’s ignoring me, wouldn’t bother me at all.
Please, don’t advise a therapist for me. Although I might very need one. For a number of reasons, I can’t do it in my town. Please, let’s not discuss that. I would be just very grateful if you could share your own experiences or give your personal insight on this problem. It helps a lot.
And..thanks if you managed to read all this ! Have a good day.
