Hello?

[We can do this]

I'm not sure where to begin.  My daughter (17) was recently diagnosed with BPD after years of struggling with depression, anxiety, lashing out at her Mother and me and a general HATRED for her younger sister, we finally found a councilor with enough experience to tell us what is happening.    The councilor recently told us the best treatment plan is to send our Daughter to a special school/hospital for a year.   At $150k this would put a HUGE strain on our finances but we are slowly coming up with a plan for how we can make it happen (nothing like paying on the house until we are 80!). 

Our fear is 1) she will NEVER forgive us for sending her away to a place like this.  She has spent a couple of stints in inpatient/outpatient treatments and HATES them so much. 2) Despite spending so much money, if she isn't ready to get better it may not do anything to help.

I guess we are just hoping for support from people who have been through similar experiences.   While we have a good network of friends, it is hard for them to relate because Mental Health is such a difficult topic.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome.
This thread has some thoughts on Residential Therapy:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=342741.0

[livednlearned]

Wow, $150K. That's a fortune.

If your daughter doesn't forgive you and won't get what she needs out of it, will you resent her for spending that kind of money?

If having her live elsewhere will help the rest of the family function and heal, is that worth the expense?

Those are questions I would ask myself.

Also, there is an excellent chapter in Having a BPD Daughter by Loebel that addresses this kind of family-oriented approach (versus focusing exclusively on what's best for the BPD child at the expense of the family). It won't answer your question per se but may help you find a path through such a big decision.

My recommendation is also to consider family therapy for the rest of you because BPD can have a severe impact on siblings and parents. If your daughter goes away for treatment and comes home to family dynamics that were the same when she left, it's very possible things will return to what was normal.

I am amazed at the things that my BPD loved one stays stuck on. She does not seem to recover from nor forget what I would consider perceived slights. The way I phrased a question three months ago comes up in text as a thing that must be discussed. Over time I consider these to be beefs that have past the statute of limitations. In Loebel's book and others (Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning, I believe) they recommend moving things along that tend to get stuck with language such as, "That did happen, we did discuss it, and how are we going to address it going forward."

If you decide to send your daughter to this residential home, those are the kinds of things that will probably have to be honed in addition to whatever treatment and services and skills she receives.