Introducing myself

[Aduaine]

Hi everyone. I'm writing to introduce myself and my current situation, and maybe get some feedback.

Both my dad and my sister are very challenging relationships for me. I feel some confusion still about what their diagnosis would be, but right now I conceptualize it as a combination of BPD and NPD. I plan to use the resources on this site to explore this further.

For the purposes of this initial post, I'd like to focus on the relationship with my sister. After many years of caretaking and enmeshment with my sister, I finally woke up (about 2 years ago) to how harmful this relationship was to me. It was completely one-sided and I was often mistreated. I started to set some pretty gentle boundaries with her at that time, and she reacted by attacking, projecting, and basically harassing me via text message, email, and Facebook Messenger. I finally blocked her phone number so that I could get a break from her blaming messages.

It has been a good while of mostly no contact, except for seeing her at big family events such as funerals. I have been doing a lot of intensive therapy to try to get over the harm that's been done, but I've realized that the healing will take a long time. I've been trying to rush my healing because I often feel like my boundaries with my sister are an inconvenience to the rest of my family, especially my mom. She pressures me to "just talk it out" with my sister, and she talks about how sad it makes her that my sister and I are not speaking. She does not understand BPD/NPD and I don't think she is able to grasp the severity of what happened between my sister and me.

I've realized recently that, for now, I do not want a relationship with my sister. I am going to need a long time to heal, and I don't want to be exposed to her manipulative behaviors until I feel stronger. I'm struggling with how to navigate this moving forward.

Does anyone have experience with going to family events when you're not speaking to a family member? And being on the receiving end of pressure to reconcile when you aren't ready?

I feel I may need to have a conversation with my sister and my mom letting them know that I don't want a relationship at this time...but I have a feeling that this will trigger my sister and cause me to be on the receiving end of more blaming and shaming. I would need to really prepare myself for a conversation like this.

Thanks in advance for reading and for any ideas you may have!

[Kwamina]

Hi Aduaine

I am glad you are reaching out for support and advice here. Your sister's behavior has clearly taken its toll on you. I think it's totally understandable that you would take certain steps to protect yourself, put your own well-being first and give yourself a chance to heal in a safe environment.

I feel I may need to have a conversation with my sister and my mom letting them know that I don't want a relationship at this time...but I have a feeling that this will trigger my sister and cause me to be on the receiving end of more blaming and shaming. I would need to really prepare myself for a conversation like this.  

No matter how you move forward with your sister and mother, it might help to keep in mind that boundaries do not necessarily have to be verbally expressed. You can also non-verbally set and enforce/defend boundaries by changing your own behaviors and responses. That change also sends a message.

You say your mother does not understand BPD/NPD, but do you feel like she in any way acknowledges that your sister exhibits certain unhealthy or hurtful behaviors?

Take care and welcome to our online community

The Board Parrot

[Aduaine]

Hi Kwamina,

Thanks so much for your response, and for the validation and understanding. That helps a lot!

You are so right that boundaries do not always need to be expressed verbally. I have definitely set boundaries using my behavior rather than through words. However, I think I'm getting stuck in fear/obligation/guilt (FOG) around this issue. Before I went no contact, my sister would consistently tell me she didn't understand my behavior/boundary, and if I would only explain it to her...etc etc. However, I recognize that I HAVE tried to explain it to her repeatedly, and she is unable to or refuses to hear it. She will get angry or hang up on me or accuse me of the behavior she is actually doing (i.e., projection). So I think I'm letting her accusation (accusing me of never explaining it to her) hook me into further contact. It actually feels like a charming technique, when I really think about it. It's just so confusing, and after being gaslit for so long, I have a hard time remembering what is real. But I try to check in with my gut instinct, which always guides me to maintain strict boundaries for now.

That's a good question about my mom. She does acknowledge some of my sister's unhealthy/hurtful behaviors, yes. I think what gets to me is my mom's urging to "talk it out" with my sister. I try to explain to my mom that talking it out makes my sister's behavior worse, but that's the part that she doesn't seem to understand. If you have any thoughts about this, I'm open to feedback, because I find this very confusing.

Thanks again for your response!

[Panda39]

Before I went no contact, my sister would consistently tell me she didn't understand my behavior/boundary, and if I would only explain it to her...etc etc. However, I recognize that I HAVE tried to explain it to her repeatedly, and she is unable to or refuses to hear it. She will get angry or hang up on me or accuse me of the behavior she is actually doing (i.e., projection). So I think I'm letting her accusation (accusing me of never explaining it to her) hook me into further contact.

What you are describing above is what we call JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) we encourage not JADEing because you are right on the money when you describe her hooking you back in.  When we JADE is is an opportunity for those awful circular arguments that just go no where. 

More on JADE... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

That's a good question about my mom. She does acknowledge some of my sister's unhealthy/hurtful behaviors, yes. I think what gets to me is my mom's urging to "talk it out" with my sister. I try to explain to my mom that talking it out makes my sister's behavior worse, but that's the part that she doesn't seem to understand. 

Your mom could be in denial about your sister's behaviors, she could be worn down by them too, she could be an enabler, or she may simply not know what she's seeing.  But I hear you, when she says "talk it out" it must feel really invalidating when it comes to your feelings and experiences with your sister.  That sucks and I'm sorry she can't put herself in your shoes.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Kwamina]

Hi again Aduaine

I agree with the wise Panda, not JADE-ing is a good thing to keep in mind. To deal with false accusations and indeed, to prevent from getting stuck in endless circular arguments conversations:

To avoid circular conversations, don't JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.
...
The practice of having a debate with someone who has strong biases can actually have the counter-productive effect of reinforcing their biases, as they repetitively remember and state the facts from their own point of view.
...
Instead, it is recommended that on any given issue, state your point of view once and once only. Provide any clarifications that are asked for. Anything more than this is likely to be counter productive.

This is not to suggest that you should say nothing at all or back down in an argument. It is critical to take whatever action is necessary so that you, and any children under your care, can live in a safe, happy, healthy and productive environment. It's just not that necessary to talk very much about it.

Has your mother (as far as you know) ever witnessed/experienced the full extent of your sister's disordered behaviors? How does your sister generally treat your mother compared to you? Does your sister behave differently when your mother is around, opposed to when your sister is alone with you?

The Board Parrot