My Life Didn't Exist

[Depression = 72% of members]

Initial Post for BPDfamily.com

I was with my exBPD for 10 years, divorced for 10 years, and reunited for 9 months.  I've not seen, nor talked to her since June 4, 2019.

I'm not a mental healthcare provider.  She has not been officially diagnosed.  She most likely will not be tested, diagnosed, or treated.  Until I find out something different I will be speaking as if she has been diagnosed.  I welcome all corrections, input, and suggestions.  I highly respect what brought you here.  My assessment of my ex-wife is based on the following: I was married to her, I've known her for 23 years, I'm in mental health therapy for PTSD, and resource material that I’ve read could also be her biography.

February 10, 2019 - After being divorced 10 years my ex-wife and I had reunited.  Several months later we were in break-up cycle.  My daughter said she thought it would be a good idea for me to Google "BPD."  She wouldn't tell me anything more.  BPD?  Okay, whatever.  That evening I was home alone so I Googled BPD. 

The first thing I read was the 9 criteria.

The next 2 to 4 hours I read through a deep and steady stream of tears as the realization came upon me.  I had fallen in love with, married, and had two daughters with pure evil.  This is not “sour grapes” or “jilted lover” stuff.  The purest, darkest, most sadistic evil.  All my doubts, worries, nightmares, and questions that she never could answer immediately had answers. My life didn’t exist.  None of it existed.  Any good memory that I held to had to be let go because it wasn’t real.  Then, the cheating.  Oh. My. God.  A lesser man would have put a gun in his mouth. 

March 6, 1999 - Within two hours of our first date the first red flag went up.  Note: this will not be a play-by-play of red flag events.  I can assure you that red flags were invariably ignored.

The lies, disappearances, criticisms, and abuse were always present.  The part that really did me in was the leaving.  The ritual of it, the deliberate nature of the pain she caused.  I hate recalling the cold and sharp stabs that came in the form of the house being prepared before she left, notes I would find, hints dropped to let me know just enough so I wouldn’t have ammunition against her but still enough confirmation to leave me torn apart and drifting.  Her leaving was a constant threat that informed most, if not all of my decisions.  It was, however, just random enough to induce horrific terror in me, the likes of which I have not experience before or since and I would not wish it upon anyone, EVER.  I have been deeply and, almost certainly, irrevocably damaged.  Exponentially worse was navigating the enormous volume of debilitating uncertainties associated with her absence.  Add to it the pressure of providing and maintaining stability in the lives of our two very young children, a full-time and very public career, and I did it all by myself.  Her family couldn’t be bothered other than to blame me even though they were keenly aware of the public health hazard I had taken off their hands.  They would also accuse me of overreacting.  My family all had their own stuff to deal with and any solutions they offered were unrealistic and reactionary.  I am so ashamed of being “that guy” who always took her back, always tried to work it out, worked on myself hoping to get her to come around.  Usually I'd just let it go.  I am really proud of myself because I always stepped up and raised our kids, always got up and went to work.  But then that shame comes back because I always paid for every blasted penny of her demented adventures.  I’ve blocked so many things that sometimes it’s hard to recall and it just hurts too much.  I shudder when I think of the sheer volume of occurrences.  She did this a lot.  I just tried to keep life in a forward momentum.  I, me, myself.
 
April 16, 2020 - As I've read some of your experiences I've learned that I am not alone.  In fact, I have been amazed at the similarities we all share.  Sometimes the exactness of our experiences are mind-blowing.  I have noticed that I differ slightly from the majority in the following two ways:

1) My divorce and the decade that followed was a period of cooperation, compassion, peace.  After reading the nightmarish tales of exes I've come to realize my good fortune.  It could have been so much worse because I'm a teacher, we have two kids, and we live 10 miles apart in the same little town.  There were certainly BPD moments during this period but ultimately nothing that would affect my life.  Then, July 2018, ten years after divorce we got back together and it got worse.  It got a lot worse.  I didn’t know about “charming.”

2) My ex-wife seems to have been exponentially worse in regards to cheating on me.  My only basis for this conclusion is comparing your posts to my story.  I suppose I'm hoping to find out that it wasn't as bad as I thought or that I'm making too much of it.    Could it be that other people focus more on other aspects?  Am I too focused on the cheating and neglecting other injuries I need to work on?  Should I be looking more into ways I can help my daughters, now 18 and 16?  A post I was reading the other day had posed a similar question about cheating.  Somebody replied, and I’m paraphrasing, remember when you weren’t looking right at her?  That’s when she was cheating.  That told my story with a frightening degree of accuracy.

Before my relationship with a BPD I didn’t know people were capable of such demented acts of evil.  The experience affected me such that I have PTSD.  One would think that each "event" would cause a person to become desensitized.  In fact, each "event" had a cumulative effect on me.  The end result would have been worse than death.  Luckily I'm out.  I'm free to heal.  I've been out for a long time and I had been thinking I was healed.  Boy howdy, was I wrong.  At this time I haven’t acquired all the tools but for now I'm with you fine folks, I go to therapy weekly, and I have family and friends who "got my back." 

[AugustWest]

Initial Post for BPDfamily.com

I was with my exBPD for 10 years, divorced for 10 years, and reunited for 9 months.  I've not seen, nor talked to her since June 4, 2019.

I'm not a mental healthcare provider.  She has not been officially diagnosed.  She most likely will not be tested, diagnosed, or treated.  Until I find out something different I will be speaking as if she has been diagnosed.  I welcome all corrections, input, and suggestions.  I highly respect what brought you here.  My assessment of my ex-wife is based on the following: I was married to her, I've known her for 23 years, I'm in mental health therapy for PTSD, and resource material that I’ve read could also be her biography.

February 10, 2019 - After being divorced 10 years my ex-wife and I had reunited.  Several months later we were in break-up cycle.  My daughter said she thought it would be a good idea for me to Google "BPD."  She wouldn't tell me anything more.  BPD?  Okay, whatever.  That evening I was home alone so I Googled BPD. 

The first thing I read was the 9 criteria.

The next 2 to 4 hours I read through a deep and steady stream of tears as the realization came upon me.  I had fallen in love with, married, and had two daughters with pure evil.  This is not “sour grapes” or “jilted lover” stuff.  The purest, darkest, most sadistic evil.  All my doubts, worries, nightmares, and questions that she never could answer immediately had answers. My life didn’t exist.  None of it existed.  Any good memory that I held to had to be let go because it wasn’t real.  Then, the cheating.  Oh. My. God.  A lesser man would have put a gun in his mouth. 

March 6, 1999 - Within two hours of our first date the first red flag went up.  Note: this will not be a play-by-play of red flag events.  I can assure you that red flags were invariably ignored.

The lies, disappearances, criticisms, and abuse were always present.  The part that really did me in was the leaving.  The ritual of it, the deliberate nature of the pain she caused.  I hate recalling the cold and sharp stabs that came in the form of the house being prepared before she left, notes I would find, hints dropped to let me know just enough so I wouldn’t have ammunition against her but still enough confirmation to leave me torn apart and drifting.  Her leaving was a constant threat that informed most, if not all of my decisions.  It was, however, just random enough to induce horrific terror in me, the likes of which I have not experience before or since and I would not wish it upon anyone, EVER.  I have been deeply and, almost certainly, irrevocably damaged.  Exponentially worse was navigating the enormous volume of debilitating uncertainties associated with her absence.  Add to it the pressure of providing and maintaining stability in the lives of our two very young children, a full-time and very public career, and I did it all by myself.  Her family couldn’t be bothered other than to blame me even though they were keenly aware of the public health hazard I had taken off their hands.  They would also accuse me of overreacting.  My family all had their own stuff to deal with and any solutions they offered were unrealistic and reactionary.  I am so ashamed of being “that guy” who always took her back, always tried to work it out, worked on myself hoping to get her to come around.  Usually I'd just let it go.  I am really proud of myself because I always stepped up and raised our kids, always got up and went to work.  But then that shame comes back because I always paid for every blasted penny of her demented adventures.  I’ve blocked so many things that sometimes it’s hard to recall and it just hurts too much.  I shudder when I think of the sheer volume of occurrences.  She did this a lot.  I just tried to keep life in a forward momentum.  I, me, myself.
 
April 16, 2020 - As I've read some of your experiences I've learned that I am not alone.  In fact, I have been amazed at the similarities we all share.  Sometimes the exactness of our experiences are mind-blowing.  I have noticed that I differ slightly from the majority in the following two ways:

1) My divorce and the decade that followed was a period of cooperation, compassion, peace.  After reading the nightmarish tales of exes I've come to realize my good fortune.  It could have been so much worse because I'm a teacher, we have two kids, and we live 10 miles apart in the same little town.  There were certainly BPD moments during this period but ultimately nothing that would affect my life.  Then, July 2018, ten years after divorce we got back together and it got worse.  It got a lot worse.  I didn’t know about “charming.”

2) My ex-wife seems to have been exponentially worse in regards to cheating on me.  My only basis for this conclusion is comparing your posts to my story.  I suppose I'm hoping to find out that it wasn't as bad as I thought or that I'm making too much of it.    Could it be that other people focus more on other aspects?  Am I too focused on the cheating and neglecting other injuries I need to work on?  Should I be looking more into ways I can help my daughters, now 18 and 16?  A post I was reading the other day had posed a similar question about cheating.  Somebody replied, and I’m paraphrasing, remember when you weren’t looking right at her?  That’s when she was cheating.  That told my story with a frightening degree of accuracy.

Before my relationship with a BPD I didn’t know people were capable of such demented acts of evil.  The experience affected me such that I have PTSD.  One would think that each "event" would cause a person to become desensitized.  In fact, each "event" had a cumulative effect on me.  The end result would have been worse than death.  Luckily I'm out.  I'm free to heal.  I've been out for a long time and I had been thinking I was healed.  Boy howdy, was I wrong.  At this time I haven’t acquired all the tools but for now I'm with you fine folks, I go to therapy weekly, and I have family and friends who "got my back." 

[JNChell]

Hi, AugustWest. It sounds like you’re having some pretty heavy feelings. I’m sorry about that. It’s a good thing that you’ve found us and have decided to join us in discussions. Thanks for posting.

I can relate to your feelings a bit. I’ve been through trauma therapy and have a C-PTSD diagnosis. Therapy was very helpful and helped me to find my center. How is therapy working out for you?

I’m not sure where your PTSD originated from, but I used to have many of the same feelings that you do when it comes to my son’s mother. Therapy and reading helped me to realize and understand that I had underlying issues that were being triggered almost daily by my ex. I’m speaking personally here. Just wondering if that is relatable to you.

Her leaving was a constant threat that informed most, if not all of my decisions.  It was, however, just random enough to induce horrific terror in me, the likes of which I have not experience before or since and I would not wish it upon anyone, EVER.

I couldn’t have said it better myself. I went through this exact dynamic over and over and over... The thing is, for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to leave a situation that was causing me a great deal of pain and upset. I came to learn, through work, that I have abandonment fears that used to be very intense. Also, I was very invested in making things work because we had a child together, as well as her having a young daughter. A family.

BPD is very hard to navigate and wrap our heads around. You mentioned that your daughter brought it up. That’s interesting. I have to assume that BPD has had an adverse affect on the whole family. Is that correct?

[AugustWest]

Therapy is good.  I've done it a couple of times.  It works if you're into it.  I'm into it to get myself out of this!  BPD has had an affect on us for sure.  As soon as we started divorcing in 2008 my girls and I started therapy.  The girls were 4 and 6 at that time.  We were let go about 3 months later and I would rate that as a completely positive experience.  I wrote the parenting plan which is 50/50.  However, the girls pretty much have lived with me this entire time and they're 16 and 18 now.  The damage that could have been done to them has definitely been lessened.

[JNChell]

I know this stuff (BPD) is very hurtful and confusing, but your reply has a whole lot of positives in it. You should pat yourself on the back for what you’ve accomplished for you and your girls.

You’re right, we can only take something from therapy if we’re open to it.

How are your girls handling not seeing their mom since June?  How is treatment for your PTSD? You said that therapy is ok if...but really, how’s that going?

[AugustWest]

Thank you JNChell.  My girls see their mom.  My oldest daughter is married and living on her own with my son-in-law.  My 16 year-old doesn't see her mother very much.  I think they talk once or twice per week.  Lately, I think they've been talking more.  They have spent a little bit of time together over the past few weeks.  I had a therapy session just today!  I really like the therapist.  I'm currently working on mindfulness.  I am a diagnosed PTSD sufferer now.  Between mental health therapy and BPDfamily.com I have really been feeling a lot better.  I have been reflecting and writing 2 or 3 hours every evening.  Once I get started, I stay out of the way of the pen and when I'm done I go back and read it.  Every time I've done this I have just busted out crying, and I mean really really crying.  After that, I feel energized, 7.5 feet tall, and happy!  Initially, the writing started because I was preparing my first post.  Basically, I have never talked to anyone about this stuff.  My therapist had a good point he shared, "Instead of being abused by my ex I have been stepping up and taking care of that on my own! 

Anyway, Thank You for reaching out.

[l8kgrl]

I really like the therapist.  I'm currently working on mindfulness.  I am a diagnosed PTSD sufferer now.  Between mental health therapy and BPDfamily.com I have really been feeling a lot better.  I have been reflecting and writing 2 or 3 hours every evening.  Once I get started, I stay out of the way of the pen and when I'm done I go back and read it.  Every time I've done this I have just busted out crying, and I mean really really crying.  After that, I feel energized, 7.5 feet tall, and happy!  Initially, the writing started because I was preparing my first post.  Basically, I have never talked to anyone about this stuff.  My therapist had a good point he shared, "Instead of being abused by my ex I have been stepping up and taking care of that on my own! 

Hi August, I'm glad you have a therapist you really like - finding the right match is really important I think.

And that's great that writing has been helping you so much! Sounds like it's been amazingly cathartic? What about it do you think helps you so much? Does it help you remember and get out hard things that you had maybe buried? Does it help you see the situation differently? It sounds like it's helping you access emotions - were you aware before of how you felt about these things or is the writing bringing that out?

Interesting what your therapist said to you about abusing yourself. Was that a surprise to you? Mine said something fairly similar to me recently - she's usually pretty mild in her comments, but I believe she used the phrase "self-loathing" to describe how hard I am on myself.

It actually surprised me. I honestly wasn't aware of quite how self-critical I can be, it was so ingrained. I have found that really working on self-compassion is such a new way of thinking and also helps in accessing feelings that have been buried. Curious if the experience is similar for you?

[JNChell]

Sounds great! I’m glad to hear that things are moving in a positive direction for you. I know it’s hard, but you’re doing great.

When I got my C-PTSD diagnosis, I embraced it. Sure, it wasn’t the greatest news to receive, but it gave me a focal point to work from. Information that I needed to make sense of how I was feeling. Mindfulness is probably one of the most important parts of dealing with PTSD. How do you feel about your diagnosis?

Writing is something that I still haven’t taken up, but I like how you described it. I used to write songs, so I can see a battle between me and the pen.  

It was an eye opener when my therapist said that I was abusing myself. It lead me to learning about the inner critic. Are you familiar with that? If not, just type it into the search engine near the top of this page. It’s interesting stuff that opened a new door for me.

I’m glad that you’ve found a good place here to talk about your feelings. This is quite a community with very amazing people. Looking forward to hearing more from you.