This thread was split from this discussion:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=344025.0

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Short explanation.  Cookie jar.
before integrity.  If no one sees me, it's ok.

After integrity.

That's hard.

What are my core values.  Who am I in this situation.
is eating one cookie aligning with I am trying to lose weight...

(This may be a long explanation, and it's fill in the blank instead of cookie jar.)

I mean it's about living my core values, nothing is automatic for me.

If something is automatic, it's probably from the past and I need to look at it!

all I am sharing is my own personal journey.

Each person has their own path and it's not my path.

As I know better, I can do better, to quote a famous talk show host.

you may understand what you want or do not want.

I am not in charge of that.

Official no answer.

I shared

Am not amenable to "you " questions.

I will not ask or show or direct anyone's reasoning.

I gave. I shared.

As a---p.s.  I am sorry today was hard.  Read f f post.

This is often...most of the time...hard for people to see.  I'm so pleased that you see it.

You know the situation best, how would you go about "nudging" to "consider the possibility" that choices influence outcomes?

Best,

FF

Thank you f f.

My experience yesterday, was he is completely shut off, from me, painting me black.

He was digging through boxes, it was like wow, do I even know this person.

He is in recovery and all the meetings are online now, which is really really hard.

I am praying for him and limiting my exposure to him.  In the state of mind I witnessed yesterday, he is in a bad, closed, shut down space.  What I saw was him blaming me.  He blames me for his lifestyle.  All his treasured things are in a disheveled mess at my house.
There is no addressing this, no jade.

I did say, I made a mistake.  I asked you to come back. 
There is no getting anywhere.  There is nothing to do until he loses the juice out of making me wrong (painting black)

We are supposed to see each other on Monday.

Thank you.

You mean taking away all of my judging and assessing.

Two people deal with stuff.

Trying to find a 12.99 tool in a mountain of boxes.

So other than nothing positive. 

It was two people trying to help and not being successful.

Those two will meet up again on Monday...

Star Trek over.  Here is the commercial break:
I will say that I have gotten better at reading him.  So the star trek while fun, is not true irl.

(There are only so many assumptions I can make about people I do not know.)


So at some point, all I do have are my experiences.

If i cannot trust my experiences--
I will be at a loss.

I am trying to be more aware, related to the present, and awake.

p.s.  am looking for the moderator help button.

it means I am looking for the moderator help button.

Broadly speaking.  We are talking about and giving advice on relationships.  Physical intimacy is part of some relationships.  Usually it's a big part.

For others to properly understand the relationship dynamics at play, it would seem wise to understand all the dynamics at play.

It would seem to me to be that a  relationship with brief hugging (or perhaps none) compared to "heavy petting"...compared to "no holds barred sex"...compared to polyamorous...compared to group sex...(I could go on), would be very different.

None of us wants to judge those activities as right or wrong, but it's perfectly appropriate to say there are likely different emotional connections at play with each of those different scenarios.

Then...is each party ok with the level of physical intimacy?  Do they want more...or less?

I hope you can see that this question is relevant.

Best,

FF

All of this goes back to integrity question.

What was shared.  X,y,z.

One hand clapping.

WAS. NOT ACCEPTED as it was.  Complete and perfect share.

Ask one, two questions.

Fine.

Again.answers to questions NOT ACCEPTED as perfect and complete.

There is a need for a group inventory on this board.

This board is crossing important boundaries, and there is important work to be done here.

There is a culture of personalities here.

I hope you all will look at this.

Thank you ff.

If someone would read my shared story, all I shared is we meet up for coffee---on the porch---or at a coffee shop.

the locations shared really does answer a lot of questions.

So I give up.

I will be kind and I will be kind to everyone I know and those I don't know.

Thank you.

Yes ff.

I was told that he would be alone soon, ie.
no roommate.  That was a falsehood.
4 weeks ago or so, it was going to be in 4-6 weeks.

now the covid.  He has said it's not reasonable to ask her to move during covid. Then she may get laid off...etc.

I was asking for if there is an expectation I could have that would be reasonable...around this issue.  He said soon.  He said she has to go. (Still no actual time frame.  So there is something not right and it isn't my battle.)

Now it seems like a black hole and I don't know that it is even appropriate that I ask any questions on his living arrangements..

..and what I may end up doing is not meeting every week, if it looks like there is really no direction.

I just got a new sponsor, in my 12 step.  We were catching up, her and I go to some of the same meetings, it's has been a while since we talked.  Like 6 months.
She said it must be hard for you because you are waiting for someone and you have no idea how long.  You are closing off all other possibilities for yourself.

Yes.  All true.

I guess I am just sharing.

 because there is no action I am ready to take nor do I even know what action it would be.

What there is for me is to immerse my self in my program, meet with my sponsor and I have faith that a direction or signs will be provided.
Sometimes it is just a light that shows the next foothold.

yes.  All good points.

I need to talk to my sponsor more, which I will do this weekend.

Thank you for reaching out.

No they don't.

If you guys had actual..real..no holds barred conversations...perhaps.

There is a big difference in discussing relationship issues and matching up words and actions and getting together to look for lost items.

Here is one of the many issues.  As long as I've known you a constant theme is that you don't believe you can/should ask him questions. 

That leads to not getting to know him...and some surface conversations...and other tangential details.
 

And have done what with the consistent information that many people from many walks of life are telling you?

Does that give you any "pause" at all that perhaps Juju2 has been going in an unproductive direction and should consider the possibility of doing something dramatically different?


Best,

FF

I apologize.  I posted.

It's my fault.

I have a program and I follow that.

I appreciate what everyone wants for me. 
I want a r/s and am seeking the best way. 

I have tried ultimatums.

It's not to say I won't try that again.

Thank you everyone for your experience in this matter.

Thank you.  I will move on to a different topic or not.  For me this topic is closed.

Ff.

I know you are sincere.

There are moving parts.

Progress not perfection.

We ( sponsor, Higher Power, and me)
are going to work on this. Saturday or Sunday.  It may be that I will give an ultimatum.

Everything is on the table.  My sponsor Has experience with separation, her spouse up and left her for a time.  He said it was over.  They both came back together and so I want to hear from her and that is what we are going to do.  I promise.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  juju

It will be ok.  I appreciate truly your efforts.