I suspect wife has BPD

[harry76]

after years of weird arguments that I could never understand, slow moves towards isolating me from my family and friends, and rules that always shift from under me, I finally discovered the BPD diagnosis.

I just need people to talk to. I can barely get a minute away from her on the phone. so this is the only place I can think to come.

It's so subtle sometimes and other times so obvious.

Today's minor issue was _ I was working out. She chooses that moment (15 minutes out of the 24hr day we are together during the quarantine) to show me some old pictures of us together. I was busy so my reaction was somewhat muted ( like I'm sweating and out of breath, I just kind of said "Wow' or something') so she calls me a drip for having a neutral reaction to the picture. 

After the workout I ask her to show me the pics again. 'Oh so now you want to see them? Are you mad at me because you don't like the way you look in the pictures? whats wrong with you? why can't you be happy about sharing this stuff?'

I respond saying 'you literally showed it to me while I'm fully doing something else, now I'm done and very happy to look at it again'

It was so minor but this is such a pattern - it seems so deliberate- she chooses a way to make me in the wrong and make me against her.  It's so weird. But little things like this, every single day for 10 years.  Also I pretty much have to take a drive to call my mother who is 75 and living very far away alone. I have my own issues with my mother but I'm gonna call an old lady to keep her company when the world is on lockdown and not be glowered at for doing it.

I'll probably get into more depth but can anyone in the community help me to see if I'm on the right track with my suspicions?

thanks

harry

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[Ozzie101]

Hi harry76! Welcome!

We can’t diagnose around here but I can say that what you describe sounds familiar.

Have you read much about BPD? When I started learning, it was a real eye-opener. Concepts like feelings=facts made a whole lot of things suddenly make sense.

We’ve got a lot of resources here and tools that can help make things smoother for you. I know I’ve found the advice about using SET (support empathy truth) instead of JADEing (justify argue defend explain) hugely helpful.

When you feel like it I hope you’ll share more. How do you usually respond to her? You indicate she’s encouraging your separation from your mother. How long has that gone on? Have you found yourself getting pulled away from other people?

Again, welcome!

[once removed]

hi harry76, and

you love a very highly sensitive, and reactive person.

have you ever shared something with someone, and been underwhelmed by their response? we all have. and for most of us, its disappointing, or it can even be hurtful.

your wife experiences that on an even higher level, and she experiences it as a rejection of, not just her, but who she is.

now, its going to happen. you cant walk around reading your wifes mind, and feigning intense enthusiasm for everything. not only would it not be possible, but it wouldnt be authentic.

but understanding where shes coming from on this can go a very long way.

'Oh so now you want to see them? Are you mad at me because you don't like the way you look in the pictures? whats wrong with you? why can't you be happy about sharing this stuff?'

I respond saying 'you literally showed it to me while I'm fully doing something else, now I'm done and very happy to look at it again'

when she overreacts, taking it personally or being defensive (JADEing) will rarely ever help.

reading between the lines (shes hurt, feels rejected, and wants a little reassurance) is key strategically. how to give it is tricky.