sitting In BPD jail

[Ltahoe]

Long story. My BPDw has had her employment effected by what’s going on it the world. She isn’t happy about it so the family has experienced a higher level of her BPD behaviors rages, unwillingness to do things, passive aggressive behaviors etc. She has acknowledged that she’s been treating the family bad including me.  So I feel my W crossed the line as for some reason my child was worried Mom wasn’t going to love her anymore. So I had a talk with my W about this. Stating that I don’t know what happened but child feels like you’re not going to love them anymore. Idk what you said but I know that there’s times I feel like you’re going to abandon me and now my child is feeling the same. These things are damaging and hurtful to me as an adult I can only imagine what a child would feel with these threats please do not make my child ever feel like they may be abandoned. Told her That she’s basically engaging in psychological and emotional manipulation and it’s going to effect our child negatively.

A few days later child was crying again, I come to find out child was afraid I was going to abandon them. I asked why they would’ve thought this and apparently Mom told child dad would do so. Wife denied knowing anything about it. A few days later I heard out of her own mouth the threat of abandonment to child in the same manner I was going to abandon the child. So I have every reason to believe my child is not making things up.

So one day my wife tells me she has a problem of course it’s something I can change and fix. So of course I tell her let me know what I can do and she says she’s unwilling to tell me. So I ignore her as she’s obviously not going to make this easy. I already know I’m in the can’t win dilemma. Then she asks what’s wrong cause I decided to stay away. so I told her well you have a problem you make it known, tell me it can be fixed and you have the ability to fix it but you refuse to fix it I’m a little frustrated. So I tell her she can let me know how to fix things since she holds the keys to fixing it. So she engages in her passive aggressive behaviors. After time has passed I ask again are you ready to talk about our issues. And she sits there silent completely silent.

So I told her how I felt. That it’s completely crazy that we have a solvable problem and one person knows the problem and the other doesn’t know and the one person has the keys to the problem and the other one is subject to the one holding the keys. This is the story of our relationship you have some sort of problem and I’m suppose to guess the problem and solutions. Rinse and repeat. I refuse to guess it’s a waste of time and effort I’m not guessing on how to make you happy because it doesn’t work. There’s an infinite amount of things it could be and an infinite amount of solutions. So I told her, that her silent treatment drives me nuts and that it works and it’s ridiculous that you’d pull this sort of behavior on your own family. She needs to go google silent treatment and read about it from the perspective of the person put in the silent treatment trap. So of course I’m an A__ hole and I’m a narcissist, an A__ again multiple times over. I get threatened to get divorced, I tell her idk what to say anymore because all she ever does is threaten divorce and nothing ever gets solved, I never knew we had a problem. I don’t want a divorce but you’re really forcing my hand and what choice do I have anymore? If you want a divorce then just get a F____ divorce this is insaneness. So she calls me an A__ hole some more pushes my buttons and now you have both of us yelling inappropriate name calling expletives.

But since I took it to that level and engaged now she has every reason to keep me locked in her BPD jail. She knows she put me in there for no reason awhile back. Mainly because she doesn't have the ability to cope with stress and becomes self destructive and well the global situation that none of us had control of, her family became an outlet for her anger, and her emotional games. 

Just not sure how to proceed. Because I see no reason to try to win her over. Part of me wants things back to normal but I’m not going to suck up to her. That game is old and pathetic.  Not saying what I did was right but I had my buttons pushed and pushed over and over and when I reacted now in her mind she’s always had every right to be well abusive, passive aggressive etc to me. So damned if I do damned if I don’t. If I be nice that to her I’m needy, it’s weakness and she uses it against you. I’ll be firm and assertive and to her that’s me being an A__ hole and well just engages her more. Truth is psychologically she has a level of game that can’t be touched I guess maybe when you lack empathy you have that advantage. So now I get to wait while she looks on and decides when enough is enough.

So this happened a bit ago and of course she’s still passive aggressive and what not to me only. So here I sit in her little BPD jail she needs to let me know she’s being very giving and  caring to others but I’m excluded. I’m not sure whether to laugh or be pissed off. I suppose at least she’s treating the rest of the family better, instead of divvying up the BPD drama I get it all.

I don’t even know if there’s a point to all of this other than a rant and an outlet for me. 

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[once removed]

the secret to a "bpd relationship" is a non judgmental environment, albeit one where strong boundaries are practiced. that is where the partner with bpd traits thrives.

Idk what you said but I know that there’s times I feel like you’re going to abandon me and now my child is feeling the same. These things are damaging and hurtful to me as an adult I can only imagine what a child would feel with these threats please do not make my child ever feel like they may be abandoned. Told her That she’s basically engaging in psychological and emotional manipulation and it’s going to effect our child negatively.

this is a pretty confrontational, and judgmental approach, one that, if you look at it carefully, pits you and the child against your wife.

if you didnt know what she said, why not ask, and listen?

So of course I tell her let me know what I can do and she says she’s unwilling to tell me. So I ignore her as she’s obviously not going to make this easy. I already know I’m in the can’t win dilemma. Then she asks what’s wrong cause I decided to stay away. so I told her well you have a problem you make it known, tell me it can be fixed and you have the ability to fix it but you refuse to fix it I’m a little frustrated. So I tell her she can let me know how to fix things since she holds the keys to fixing it. So she engages in her passive aggressive behaviors. After time has passed I ask again are you ready to talk about our issues. And she sits there silent completely silent.

ignoring someone is a passive aggressive behavior, Ltahoe 

have you considered why she was unwilling to tell you? is there a lack of trust? is there fear? is there an attitude that you wont listen, or that it will do no good? is there an attitude that your response will be to ignore her?

i dont mean to put this all on you. it sounds like there is really no trust between the two of you, you both expect the other to read your mind, and feel resentful when it doesnt happen, and you each emotionally distance as a result.

its killing your marriage, man.

do you want to get this on a healthier trajectory?