Boyfriend of 6 months cheated - should I leave him?

[justscared]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months now. I love him with all of my heart. But for the first 4 months, he was incredibly controlling. I had to stop talking to a couple of my attractive guy friends, wasn't allowed to wear certain shirts, and he would call me if he saw me active on social media after not responding to him for a couple minutes. He even fully accused me of cheating a couple times even though I've never even once thought about doing something like that. We'd only argue occasionally over small things, but he was the instigator at least 90% of the time. He was suffocating me, but I let him continue these behaviors as I knew he'd been cheated on in the past and had trust issues due to this. I never wanted to invalidate his feelings, so I let him control my life to help him feel more secure.

Around one month ago, I received a message on instagram from a girl claiming she had just spent a portion of the night with him. I confronted him and he lied until I had screenshots of texts from her. He claims they only hung out and did not have sex, but that he was considering it. He promised it was the only time he'd done it, but upon checking his phone I found two other text conversations (also within the past month) that indicated he was implying he'd like to have sex with other girls. He lied about these as well saying that they were just jokes with his friends, but once I messaged the girls themselves he admitted that he had considered having sex with them as well, but did not go through with it (which is confirmed by the girls).

He lied to each girl, telling them that he and I weren't exclusive as he knew that they wouldn't engage in anything if they knew he was cheating. They were hurt as well upon finding out that he lied to them.

When I first confronted him, he sat in my car for 6 hours crying and shouting and begging for me to stay with him as he couldn't imagine his life without me. He says he is entirely in love with me and that he will never do it again.

Since this incident, our relationship has never been so good. We had a very long discussion about what things would need to change if he still wanted me, including the fact that he was not allowed to be in control of my life anymore. Since then, he has pulled back and allowed me to have my privacy and has been working hard to build up his self-confidence so he feels more secure in the relationship. He works out more, has tried to better his family relationships, and is even willing to start couples therapy. More than anything, I've noticed that instead of him instigating, I myself will get frustrated about something and he will calmly ask me why I'm upset. It's as though now that everything is out on the table, we can have a healthier relationship. He's even gone as far as cutting off his female friends until things are less rocky (something I explicitly asked him not to do as I don't think it's necessary, but the thought is there). I am so in love with him and, quite honestly, we've never been happier.

I'm curious if I'm making a mistake by staying with him. He knows that I am willing to work with him on his BPD, but that I will not tolerate anymore of his past abusive behaviors. He is doing literally everything in his power to keep me. His friends and family have been contacting me themselves explaining that he's become so much kinder and happier since meeting me, but my friends are telling me that I need to leave the relationship now as they've been concerned about his controlling behaviors from the start. Am I being naive by believing he will stay loyal from now on?

TLDR; My boyfriend with BPD cheated on me but has made major changes in his life to keep me. He says I am the love of his life and that he will do whatever it takes to make sure he never hurts me again. Am I being naive by staying with him?

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[Adrian26]

Honestly, when I started reading I was about to refer you to my own stories about my BPD-ex. I recognized a lot of the hypocrisy, and definitely understood why you felt unsafe continuing the relationship.

However, the way you describe what happened after your talks sounds legitimate. For instance, I never got an admission of guilt from my ex, nor even recognition or confirmation of what she did, why it was wrong, and how it had hurt me. Effort to keep me around, insight into her own fears and mechanisms and an impressive change of behaviour were even further down the line! Friends and family of hers were kept in the dark about her missteps, were told fabricated stories and by odd chance or calculated plans we were kept separate from each other and 'somehow' never got to communicate.
I just want to say: from what I read your boy seems rather advanced in his insights. I am impressed and throughout the read I was actually rooting for him. Such growth.

However! It's been just a month. I believe his feelings and attempts are genuine, but they might be motivated by a short term fear of losing you. This is my cynical side speaking. I see a lot of potential and to actually have a BPD-partner trying to redeem oneself in the eyes of their partner is not something small. My gut would advise you to give this development a chance of a few months- if you can muster the strength to do so. Your fear is understandable. Its up to you whether you're willing to brave this fear for a longer while to truly give this a chance. To be safe, I'd say give this a chance. Steel your feelings in case things go south again, be prepared for problems like the ones you had before, but keep an open mind and appreciate the changes you experience. Easier said than done: it's hard to open yourself up to your partner with previous missteps in mind. All up to you, your fears, your energy levels and how much potential you see in the two of you.

[Ltahoe]

Officially I can’t tell you what to do. But it’s only been 6 months and the guy is already showing you signs of things to come. If you know he has BPD and has cheated it’s quite possible this is an impulsive issue with other factors and will likely to continue. If you think this behavior will magically quit yes you’re making a mistake by believing that.