Warning: long and boring read ahead, but I need to get it off my chest.
Ok so I posted here a while back. I've known this BPD girl online for a little over a year now. We had an intense relationship for about 8 months during which we met twice. As I learned from here it was your typical BPD relationship, with love bombing and idolization etc. It felt like a fairytale until she broke it off. Her reason was that she needed to work on herself because she thought she was abusive to me. I didn't take the breakup well and she ended up blocking me.
A month later she messages me out of the blue, sounding very sheepish. She wants to know if I'd be ok talking again. She sounds completely different to the girl that dumped me, and I was still thinking about her a lot so I went along with it. For the next month we'd spent every day playing WoW together. She would always message me and invite me to everything. She would not leave me alone. There was never talk of officially getting back together but occasionally she would refer to us as a couple, call me by a pet name, or do things like sharing a picture of us together with a friend and pointing out "how handsome" I am.
Clearly this was a bit of a mind
PLEASE READ for me. I had no idea where I stood and thought that if I ever brought up the question of "are we together", it would scare her off. She did explicitly tell me that she was not looking to date now or anytime in the near future since she still needed to work on herself, and yet she was still treating me like I was her pseudo partner.
I decided to not ask any questions and keep my expectations to a minimum, just seeing where it went. I was enjoying her company after all and with the gym closed and work on hold, I was simply bored as f**k. After a month of consistantly pleasant conversation and a lot of gaming, things started to escalate. Again, I let her make the first moves and she steered talk towards a more intimate nature. Before I knew it we were back on snapchat and she was sending me the good stuff.
At this point I admit I begin to let my guard down and think that maybe this is going to blossom into a new relationship, and this time armed with more knowledge we can actually make things work. However this is when a 3rd party enters.
In WoW I've always been her source of knowledge. She will always ask me questions and come to me for help, making me feel like her MVP. Then we start playing regularly with this other guy, and slowly I notice she is asking him all the questions she used to ask me. He's married, and I know she's not looking, but I'm a fragile soul and it hurt to not be her go-to.
I know I have a tendancy to get jealous so I try to bury this feeling as much as possible. A week passes and she's asking him how to do something I already explained in detail. I can't take it anymore and I tell her how I feel. I said it hurts not to be your first pick anymore and I hate that this guy is always here. She gets angry with me and tells me it's unfair to throw all these things at her from days ago, especially since "we are not together".
She goes on to tell me that we must be spending too much time together and blames the whole thing on being intimate again. She says it was clearly a mistake and immediately deletes her snapchat. She also says we'll just do chill things in WoW for a bit to keep it all low stress. Seems harsh but not the end of the world so I'm cool with it.
The next day things don't go as expected. I find that I'm no longer invited, even to the "chill" stuff she said we would do. I try to hold my tongue but eventually I ask her if she minds if I joined, hoping that she would toss me an invite. Her response is "you're welcome to queue". Ok, this seems a little cold but I guess I'll queue. After some pause I get accepted, and she's in the group with the aforementioned guy and another friend. I guess they're all in voice chat together, but I don't ask to join. I get that she might be worried about akwardness after the previous days conversation. Whatever, it was my screw up so I'm prepared to do my time in the doghouse. What gets to me though is that throughout the whole run, she doesn't even acknowledge me. No "hi", no "thanks for coming", no "gg". It feels so cold, especially since I was helping. I'm not a needy person but it felt like she was going out of her way to ignore me.
After that I leave since no invitation to stay was forthcoming. I know I'm going to come off a bit crazy, but this whole day really left a vile taste in my mouth. I feel like I'm on the outside again, like I was when she ended it the first time. Her tone, her choice of words, her everything is markedly different. Cold, impersonal, uncaring. Any attempt I make to find out what's going on or what she wants is met by "stop overreacting", or "why are you so dramatic". She makes me feel like everything I do or say is unreasonable.
I say f**k it. If I really don't matter to you then I'm going to delete you. Yes I know this is very immature and borderline crazy, but after her gaslighting my mind is a mess. I just want to be in control of how I feel, and the only way I can do it is by deleting her. But who am I kidding? I'm addicted to this girl. I can't delete her. So I add her back.
Too late. She noticed and she's furious. I have witnessed borderline rage a few times but never like this. I am the devil. She says she clearly means nothing to me and I should f-off out of her life. I don't understand - she wouldn't give me the time of day and then suddenly it's HER than means nothing to ME? She calms down a bit and says we're not good for eachother and that all this "drama" is bad for anxiety, so goodbye. I told her angrily that she clearly didn't care about me so she should just leave. That's how we left it.
So yeah. Basically BPD ex comes back for a recycle. Things are going slow but steady, even thought I didn't know exactly where I stood, but then we have this brief falling out and I'm painted black and shunned. Since she came back a month and a half ago we had no arguments up until this point. I learned not to JADE from the first time around and things were buttery smooth.
It sucks that I am so addicted to this girl. Just typing this out I can see she is slowly destroying my mind. Not saying I'm completely faultless, but any mistake I make is paid for tenfold. The thing is is that when things are good we feel like soulmates, which is most of the time. It's intoxicating. Then this stuff happens and in an instant I'm a nobody to her. I really do care about her and want to stay a part of her life, even if somedays I feel like I'm going crazy.
Not sure what my play should be if my goal is to reconcile. I really hate how we left it but she told me not to talk to her again. In the past I've always regretted reaching out. I tried to a couple of times after the first breakup and it only resulted in her blocking me. When she did come back to me she didn't mention the ordeals of the breakup at all... it was like it never happened. Is my only choice to wait it out so this happens, or doesn't happen again?
