BPD ex surfaces after 4 months of NC and threatening to blow up my life

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was in a relationship with a violent, suicidal BPD woman - It was a year of violent rages, emails to my friends and past relationship partners pretending to be me and suicide attempts including earnest attempts to stab me when I tried to get a knife away from her.    Its been a long journey involving therapists - for both of us - police and restraining orders... Most horrible experience of my life as I have never had violence or drama in any relationship or in my childhood.  I never saw any of this in the early stages.  She had been a senior executive in a "household name" company - and she makes an excellent first impression - so she must have been able to hold it together at some point.

We have had very limited contact for about 4 months.  Occasionally she would send a snarky message to which I wouldn't respond, with no reply from her. I had blocked her from time to time, but have been afraid to keep her blocked, as I felt safer having perhaps some advance warning if she went on the warpath again.  From her standpoint, we never broke up. She would say  "It's not over until we both agree its over".  I had said repeatedly that I was done and went NC.  She had always refused to leave and behaved like I was throwing her out on the street.  She had a beautiful home in another state.  I  had even gathered up all of her things when she was traveling on business and drove them to her home many hours away.  She immediately drove back up to me on her return! 

She had taken my phone  and despite having all sorts of password protection on all off my devices,  had apparently copied all my contacts and read all of my email and text messages.   Some were with my therapist, others were with friend as I was trying to sort out what was happening. 

So, a couple of days ago, she sent a very vanilla photo of a scenic view and a message saying she was having a fun.  I made the mistake of replying and saying that it was a nice photo and I was glad she was enjoying nature.   

She then sent a 14 page PDF document via email listing every time I had wronged or lied to her.  Some had a bit of foundation in reality, but horribly overstated and manipulated to be intensely hurtful or of malicious intent.  Others were her suppositions around why i didn't immediately respond to text messages or didn't reply at all.  Much of it was when I had said I was done with the relationship and didn't respond to her communications or had her blocked. It was all out of original context. 

So after 4 months of no replies from me, she now has reached out and said she is dating someone (great news!).  But, in order to be able to move on with her life, she needs receive personal apologies from all of my friends and my therapist for all the "names"  they called her and derogatory things they said about her in their personal correspondence with me. If she does not receive them in a timely manner, she will "blow up my life" and send a 40-some page version of her document saying what a horrible person I am to all of the contacts in my phone - including business contacts, family members, elderly relatives, friends, etc.  She also is demanding a written "confession" and apology from me addressing all the "lies" I had told my friends and therapist about her violence.  My friends and therapist had seen her in action and had received her messages, pretending to be me.  Though I did share my experiences with them, they didn't need my comments as they had already drawn their own conclusions about her... 

Obviously she is not going to get these apologies so I have no idea where this will go.   My friends would likely see who it was from and not even read it.  I have no doubt that they will see it for what it is and support me.   She has already sent a nasty-nice email to a person I dated 4 years ago asking if we were back in a relationship and implying that she was still dating me.

Thanks for reading through this ramble.  I would appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have.  I'm particularly weighing whether to completely block her or not.  While it will be best for me to have no further contact, and remove one of her "tools of manipulation", will it cause her to crank it up a notch and either come to me or ramp up her actions...?  I have no idea.  I also feel uneasy blocking her as I won't have any indication of her mental state... Unfortunately, with our current virus lockdown situation, I can't as easily just go away if I suspect she is on her way to me.  Thanks again and stay safe and well.

[mountaintosea]

I was in a relationship with a violent, suicidal BPD woman - It was a year of violent rages, emails to my friends and past relationship partners pretending to be me and suicide attempts including earnest attempts to stab me when I tried to get a knife away from her.    Its been a long journey involving therapists - for both of us - police and restraining orders... Most horrible experience of my life as I have never had violence or drama in any relationship or in my childhood.  I never saw any of this in the early stages.  She had been a senior executive in a "household name" company - and she makes an excellent first impression - so she must have been able to hold it together at some point.

We have had very limited contact for about 4 months.  Occasionally she would send a snarky message to which I wouldn't respond, with no reply from her. I had blocked her from time to time, but have been afraid to keep her blocked, as I felt safer having perhaps some advance warning if she went on the warpath again.  From her standpoint, we never broke up. She would say  "It's not over until we both agree its over".  I had said repeatedly that I was done and went NC.  She had always refused to leave and behaved like I was throwing her out on the street.  She had a beautiful home in another state.  I  had even gathered up all of her things when she was traveling on business and drove them to her home many hours away.  She immediately drove back up to me on her return! 

She had taken my phone  and despite having all sorts of password protection on all off my devices,  had apparently copied all my contacts and read all of my email and text messages.   Some were with my therapist, others were with friend as I was trying to sort out what was happening. 

So, a couple of days ago, she sent a very vanilla photo of a scenic view and a message saying she was having a fun.  I made the mistake of replying and saying that it was a nice photo and I was glad she was enjoying nature.   

She then sent a 14 page PDF document via email listing every time I had wronged or lied to her.  Some had a bit of foundation in reality, but horribly overstated and manipulated to be intensely hurtful or of malicious intent.  Others were her suppositions around why i didn't immediately respond to text messages or didn't reply at all.  Much of it was when I had said I was done with the relationship and didn't respond to her communications or had her blocked. It was all out of original context. 

So after 4 months of no replies from me, she now has reached out and said she is dating someone (great news!).  But, in order to be able to move on with her life, she needs receive personal apologies from all of my friends and my therapist for all the "names"  they called her and derogatory things they said about her in their personal correspondence with me. If she does not receive them in a timely manner, she will "blow up my life" and send a 40-some page version of her document saying what a horrible person I am to all of the contacts in my phone - including business contacts, family members, elderly relatives, friends, etc.  She also is demanding a written "confession" and apology from me addressing all the "lies" I had told my friends and therapist about her violence.  My friends and therapist had seen her in action and had received her messages, pretending to be me.  Though I did share my experiences with them, they didn't need my comments as they had already drawn their own conclusions about her... 

Obviously she is not going to get these apologies so I have no idea where this will go.   My friends would likely see who it was from and not even read it.  I have no doubt that they will see it for what it is and support me.   She has already sent a nasty-nice email to a person I dated 4 years ago asking if we were back in a relationship and implying that she was still dating me.

Thanks for reading through this ramble.  I would appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have.  I'm particularly weighing whether to completely block her or not.  While it will be best for me to have no further contact, and remove one of her "tools of manipulation", will it cause her to crank it up a notch and either come to me or ramp up her actions...?  I have no idea.  I also feel uneasy blocking her as I won't have any indication of her mental state... Unfortunately, with our current virus lockdown situation, I can't as easily just go away if I suspect she is on her way to me.  Thanks again and stay safe and well.

[TheWire]

Frankly if someones ex partner sent me a 40 page document about a friend of mine, I would simply think geez he/she dodged a bullet and I would then delete that message. So I think you're definitely right that threat is basically meaningless.

Whatever action you take will likely trigger something within her and she clearly has a lot of animosity towards you and it sounds to me like she simply reframes your actions so as to rationalise this hatred. If you block her I imagine she'd think you callous, if you communicate and don't do what she wants i.e. the letters of apology then you're also callous.

Objectively all you can go on is what has led to the most recent issue, you responded to her message with a simple benign comment and all of a sudden you're dealing with a giant drama. This would imply that your response was perhaps unwise. That being said it is possible that she may have sent you this message regardless but again all you can go off is what actually happened. Unfortuantely predicting behaviour is difficult... Especially predicting behaviour of people that are pathologically impulsive.

Your fear is understandable but I question your rationale about "knowing she is on the warpath", how and why do you think knowing this is beneficial?

If you feel you need some middle ground and want to monitor her so to speak perhaps don't block her but don't respond either. 

[daze507]

And I thought my ex was mental...
This kind of stories just convince me that if someday she contacts me I will just pretend I am dead.

[l8kgrl]

Wow. What a nightmare you've been through.

Is a restraining order a consideration? Given her history of violence against you?

I don't know with someone like this if taking that kind of step just stokes the fire though...she's obviously not remotely rational.

[Turkish]

Do not respond without advice from a professional. She sounds like a very dangerous person.

What does your therapist think of this?

[Rev]

Do not respond without advice from a professional. She sounds like a very dangerous person.

What does your therapist think of this?

I just want to echo this...  And - if you do get legal counsel, find one who understands men's issues. I did - made a huge difference.

[mountaintosea]

Thanks so much for all your replies, support and insight.  I have discussed this with my therapist and attorney.  The law in my state, however, is that one cannot file a restraining order unless the other person is in the state.  We have had the paperwork for a restraining order in place for a number of months and all I need to do if she shows up in-state, is to go to the police station and sign the paperwork.  But, that does nothing for me now. 

Two therapists are of the opinion - and I agree in principle - that the best thing is to just block her, as any response from me seems to add fuel to the fire - and so may her knowledge that I am getting the messages...   I trust their opinions completely as far as that goes.  She is blocked now and I'm walking on egg shells - waiting for her to show up unannounced.

There are at least four people whom she has said have "destroyed her life" and is talking of "blowing up" their lives and telling the world what horrible people all of us are.  She holds a great deal of animosity toward her mom and has recently come back from a trip overseas  - trying to make her mom see how much she was hurt as a child.  That apparently didn't go well and she is re-traumatized from that experience.  She keeps saying "You're all alike" and she's out to settle the score.  She hasn't mentioned physical violence or suicide this time around, but rather making all of us see how we've hurt her and demanding apologies for things that were her impressions and most of which never actually happened the way she remembers or wants to present it.

I feel fairly safe at home - but somewhat trapped.  I have installed security cameras and new locks.  She has distanced from most of her friends who have tried to get her into therapy and is not currently living in her home.   If we weren't in lockdown, I would take a business trip for a week or so to get out of the line of fire and give things time to settle.  I absolutely hate living in fear like this.  I'm not that concerned with her email - but it's the not knowing what's coming next and constantly looking over my shoulder that's tough.  I've never been a frightened person - quite the opposite... This is just unsettling because I have absolutely idea of or control over what she may do. 

Thanks again for reading and supporting!  Be well and stay safe, all...