Can we be repaired?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Can we love and be loved well again? Can we trust again?
I just saw this question in a BPD/Narc page.
The person described perfectly my feelings right now:
“I am broken. I didn't ask for this but it is like asking someone who went to sleep only to wake up to a tornado ripping through their town. Would you go back to sleep in the same house again? Would you want to sleep at all? Unlikely.”
What happened to our openness, vulnerability, honesty, caring...after they tear you apart? I’m not looking back and blaming my cruel ex for his lack of empathy! He doesn’t have! I get that! But and about me? And about us, the victims/survivors?  Can we be repaired?

[PantherRJ]

Can we love and be loved well again? Can we trust again?
I just saw this question in a BPD/Narc page.
The person described perfectly my feelings right now:
“I am broken. I didn't ask for this but it is like asking someone who went to sleep only to wake up to a tornado ripping through their town. Would you go back to sleep in the same house again? Would you want to sleep at all? Unlikely.”
What happened to our openness, vulnerability, honesty, caring...after they tear you apart? I’m not looking back and blaming my cruel ex for his lack of empathy! He doesn’t have! I get that! But and about me? And about us, the victims/survivors?  Can we be repaired?

[once removed]

yes.

but there is no guarantee that it will happen.

ive been here, at BPDFamily for about 9 years. i came here after my own heart was broken, and i was desperately in need of support. its ancient history now, although i can still, to this day, learn lessons from it.

i have seen a lot of people come in and out of here (thousands).

a huge number of people dont learn the lessons the relationship can teach them. carry the same baggage into the next relationship. maybe get into another bpd relationship, or dysfunctional relationship. maybe are so wounded and afraid that they dont get in another relationship.

a crisis in your life can be an opportunity to reinvent yourself, become the best version of yourself, to be far stronger than before, to be even more capable of giving and receiving love, to be more confident in the dating world and life, to train yourself into a total powerhouse.

you have to reach for it, and let go of the old ways.

[PantherRJ]

Thank you for your always kind and honest answer! I’m always reading the posts and trying to learn from other’s experience. I’ve been married twice and had different relationships, but for the very first time, I felt safe and whole with him. Learning that my fairytale was a nightmare and my Prince Charming was pure evil is a hard pill to swallow. Specially because it happened in just 24 hours followed by 1 week silence treatment and a final humiliating discard. I know I’ll survive... but surviving is not enough. I want to forget, I want to be the same person I was before. He already took so much from me. Almost all my hopes and dreams. I want my soul back. He can’t take this from me.

[JNChell]

you have to reach for it, and let go of the old ways.

I’ve been in a few relationships that can be labeled as toxic. I’ve had to own my 50% in them in order to begin to properly heal myself. So many of us here know all too well how painful these relationships can be. See, mine got progressively worse. There was so much unresolved stuff that just continued to compound and build up inside of me. I was none the wiser to it. It had to eventually come to a very serious series of events for me to start to see it. Without even realizing it back then, I was trying to fulfill/save myself within my romantic relationships. After a couple years of work, I understand that now.

I’m sorry that you’re hurting. I know how it feels to be lovesick. It is very true though in what once removed has said.

I think that I was scared of change for a while because I eventually realized how long that can possibly take. Now that I’m in the process of it, I wish I’d started down the path long ago. The knowledge and understanding of things is like a whole new world sometimes. It becomes very liberating.

What happened? What did he take from you?

[PantherRJ]

Thank you for your reply! ☺️ He didn’t take from me. I gave it away. I could write a loong story about why I did, but basically I was naive and trusted every single word he said. I lost my apartment, my job, my friends, family... and myself.

[JNChell]

That’s tough stuff. What is your situation like now?

[believer55]

What happened to our openness, vulnerability, honesty, caring...after they tear you apart?

There was so much unresolved stuff that just continued to compound and build up inside of me

Hi

I am just starting the journey of having walked away and your words have resonated with me. At the moment I do not see how I can trust anyone ever again and feel I have forever been changed. At the same time I can see how it was building up and how I had given up trying to talk to him because the conversations went around in circles and "did my head in". In the end I think I let it self destruct and I own that.

I know it is early days and I do hope I will allow myself to trust and be open again...but at the same time I am not betting the farm on it.

B

[daze507]

I think we can be repaired, in fact I think we can even be better than before, if we really want it.

[Hisaccount]

I haven't been here in a while, but my past popped back up and thought I would stop by.

I am not sure being repaired is the best way to put it. We have learned and are growing, isn't that is what is happening. BPD or not each phase in life is a learning opportunity.
After my ex took off and went no contact I saw the changes in me. Who I was and where I was. I healed, still healing. I am a better happier person now. Much more like who I was and wanted to be again.

Then going forward, this is not all just BPD damage. Even people going through breakups with mentally stable people have to change how they act in future relationships. Or at least they should change.
Every relationship has 2 participants, though it is easy to say they were BPD and it is all their fault, there are still things we should handle differently in the future. Ways we have learned where we can be better.

I am just over 3 years out and have had no contact. I have dated some. I do have fears that re surface when it comes to aspects about sharing who I really am deep down inside. It is a valid fear because in the past we have had those things twisted and used against us. So it takes time to trust and open up again, but we are in control, we set barriers, and we decide what should be shared and when.

Dated a gal with a daughter who is bi polar, full blown diagnosed but un medicated. We have wonderful conversations and can talk for hours, but our relationship is center around people with shattered minds. Though the conversation is good and comforting, I don't want to live with my life centered around that drama anymore.
I have a very good memory, I don't need help re living the worst parts of my life, I beat myself up enough on my own.

My trigger was, being home this week with back pain. I decided it was finally time to go through all of the digital photos and delete her out of that portion of my life. Actually i think it was a good thing. I was able to see how far I have come, how strong I am today and maybe it was like a test.
I still have anger, have no desire to seek her out or check up on her, but I was able to look back on those memories with good feelings and was able to leave them at that, just good memories.

Of course it felt good to delete her every time I saw her LOL but it wasn't hate, or sadness. It was just a job that needed to be done so someday I can openly share those parts of my life with my next partner and not have to worry about her being injected into it.
It is a healthy choice for me, but also did it out of respect for my future partner. I mean who wants to be reminded your spouse had an ex and you weren't the only one.

[MeandThee29]

I think I'd call it remodeling instead of repairing.

If you go back to what you you were, you may repeat the pattern. If you keep the basics and rework the parts that need it, you can certainly go forward. In some ways, you can come out better.

But it's a lot of work to get there.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey PantherRJ, Sure, we can recover.  Going through the BPD crucible, in my view, is what leads to greater happiness.  As MeandThee and JNChell suggest, it takes a lot of work.  I would describe it as an uphill climb, yet I didn't mind the effort because I was happy to be back on MY path, not that of my BPDxW.

I know myself better now.  I strive to love myself enough that I will never be the object of anyone's abuse again.  Since parting ways with my Ex, I've had much healthier relationships.  Turns out others don't see me as the terrible person my Ex made me out to be.

Obviously, you don't want to repeat old patterns, yet I find recovery involves a return to authenticity.  I pretended a lot in my marriage to my BPDxW.  No more.  I listen to my gut feelings and attempt to act from my core.  As Nietzsche said, "Become who you are!"  I agree.  Losing myself was not fun, but now I'm back on my path.  You can find your path again, too.

LuckyJim

[Cromwell]

I think each and everyone of us changes throughout life and experiences make it part of that, there is no such thing as "going back" so to speak.

Repaired, etc, id say that I live a normal healthy life where ive let go of most of if it and prefer to focus on the present. 

[JNChell]

As far as being repaired, that’s a tough thing to face. Do you feel broken?