After two calls to lawyer about divorce with no reply I get letter

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I kinda shied away from this site because I don’t know if it makes me better or worse. And that statement is not fair. Of course it makes me better right now because I’m reaching out.. again!  So my apologies for sounding condescending.
  Maybe thought I was coming out of this funk I’m in. I’m treading above the surface.
  So.
   After two calls to lawyer about status of divorce with just no reply I get letter from lawyer that whole Shabang has to start from scratch because of erroneous docket number.
 That means I go from possible “default” to having to serve her again.. shoot me I am to worried about the mess if I do it myself.
  -2/ now paying commingle health and car insurance fully.
  
  And the really really bpd thing is I have been doing this all for two months. We only email about details and then last week she actually THANKED me and said she trusted my decisions. Well that put up a big red flag on this sunken ship.
  So Tuesday she actually called me and I picked up with “hey what’s up”. She went on a rage tirade about oh hell I don’t know then hung up. 14 seconds(I looked). 14 seconds.
  Then she sent email that she was coming to house to get PLEASE READ like the crib we got from her parents and a tool box from her deceased father and a couple other things I really have no problem with that. But she ends with that “she will be bring help and doesn’t want to see or speak with me”.
  It’s just so typical. And I did not respond and I’m sure she won’t show up. She got arrested here for assault so she may be ill but she don’t like the cuffs.
  I was treading but this stuff just shuts me down mentally and more.  
   I don’t want her dead and gone. I loved her and can’t hate  but don’t deserve this. Don’t want to kill myself because that’s selfish and I do have a grown daughter and pets to look after. And I would never put another in the position of cleaning up my remains after suicide.
So I’m hoping a jet engine falls off a air force jet and crushes me.
(And makes it back safely(the plane) so I can be dead and the govment can pay for the cleanup.

[Goosey]

So I kinda shied away from this site because I don’t know if it makes me better or worse. And that statement is not fair. Of course it makes me better right now because I’m reaching out.. again!  So my apologies for sounding condescending.
  Maybe thought I was coming out of this funk I’m in. I’m treading above the surface.
  So.
   After two calls to lawyer about status of divorce with just no reply I get letter from lawyer that whole Shabang has to start from scratch because of erroneous docket number.
 That means I go from possible “default” to having to serve her again.. shoot me I am to worried about the mess if I do it myself.
  -2/ now paying commingle health and car insurance fully.
  
  And the really really bpd thing is I have been doing this all for two months. We only email about details and then last week she actually THANKED me and said she trusted my decisions. Well that put up a big red flag on this sunken ship.
  So Tuesday she actually called me and I picked up with “hey what’s up”. She went on a rage tirade about oh hell I don’t know then hung up. 14 seconds(I looked). 14 seconds.
  Then she sent email that she was coming to house to get PLEASE READ like the crib we got from her parents and a tool box from her deceased father and a couple other things I really have no problem with that. But she ends with that “she will be bring help and doesn’t want to see or speak with me”.
  It’s just so typical. And I did not respond and I’m sure she won’t show up. She got arrested here for assault so she may be ill but she don’t like the cuffs.
  I was treading but this stuff just shuts me down mentally and more.  
   I don’t want her dead and gone. I loved her and can’t hate  but don’t deserve this. Don’t want to kill myself because that’s selfish and I do have a grown daughter and pets to look after. And I would never put another in the position of cleaning up my remains after suicide.
So I’m hoping a jet engine falls off a air force jet and crushes me.
(And makes it back safely(the plane) so I can be dead and the govment can pay for the cleanup.

[Goosey]

Damn that was a pitiful last post I sent.
Sorry for that it’s an awful non reaffirming post.
Bad day it was.
So nothing has changed but maybe something has clicked I. My head and I just am kind of over it all today. Not like I’m out jogging on the beach or chatting it up with others but just feel free of it all.
Weird. Really weird. I don’t know why. Maybe a little self reflection that my public flagellation has gone on long enough.
  Better days for us all.

[Goosey]

Damn that was a pitiful last post I sent.
Sorry for that it’s an awful non reaffirming post.
Bad day it was.
So nothing has changed but maybe something has clicked In  My head and I just am kind of over it all today. Not like I’m out jogging on the beach or chatting it up with others but just feel free of it all.
Weird. Really weird. I don’t know why. Maybe a little self reflection that my public flagellation has gone on long enough.
  Better days for us all.

[Goosey]

And thank you for the really well said responses from so many.
  There does come a time I see that I have to just move on and realize I am alive and blessed.
So thank you to all for the support.

[kells76]

Hey Goosey;

So I kinda shied away from this site because I don’t know if it makes me better or worse.

I can relate; I've had times where I stayed away more because I got emotionally flooded when I came here. It ebbs and flows for me. Kudos for being honest about what you need.

Then she sent email that she was coming to house to get PLEASE READ like the crib we got from her parents and a tool box from her deceased father and a couple other things I really have no problem with that. But she ends with that “she will be bring help and doesn’t want to see or speak with me”.
  It’s just so typical. And I did not respond and I’m sure she won’t show up. She got arrested here for assault so she may be ill but she don’t like the cuffs.

Sounds like you have an intuition about her playbook -- she's a lot of talk and doesn't always follow through.

Practically speaking, can you have a 3rd party there if she does come to get her stuff? I mean, wouldn't have to be police, but could be. Or neutral neighbor or acquaintance or whatnot -- someone to video record if it gets... hectic. Set all the stuff in the empty garage or carport, lock all other doors, have garage door open, she can do whatever she wants with the specific stuff there.

Well... I do often get bogged down in the "trees" and lose sight of the forest.

So how are you doing after sharing these thoughts:

I don’t want her dead and gone. I loved her and can’t hate  but don’t deserve this. Don’t want to kill myself because that’s selfish and I do have a grown daughter and pets to look after. And I would never put another in the position of cleaning up my remains after suicide.

I hear you feeling overwhelmed.

I also hear you here:

There does come a time I see that I have to just move on and realize I am alive and blessed.

Would just love to hear more from you about how you're doing.

Cheers;

kells76

[ForeverDad]

Sounds like you moving toward the Acceptance level (of Five Stages of Grieving a Loss), ponder 4.01/4.02 - Grieving Our Losses and 8.05 - Acceptance - the final stage of grieving... It is what it is, Let Go and Move On (slowly of course but at least it's going forward).

Meanwhile, don't be surprised when you shift around between denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  The key is that you're heading toward a resolutions.  After all, recovery is a process, not an event.

[mart555]

Meanwhile, don't be surprised when you shift around between denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  The key is that you're heading toward a resolutions.  After all, recovery is a process, not an event.

Ah! That makes a lot of sense and it explains why I keep cycling.  I hate it, but I guess there isn't much I can do about it. 

[Goosey]

Hi I’m checking in as asked haha.
And thank you for the thoughts etc.
  All is ok.
Truthfully I still have no contact. And there is no more drama.
Our daughter has arranged with future ex to pay for her Own car and they had a decent meeting. My (I’m just gonna call her my ex to simplify) ex seems to have gained employment (executive level) and i have no idea nor really dwell on anything else going on in her life.
  I feel the best I have in five years and that thought is depressing haha but better then it was.
  2020. What a year.
Anyway I can share a laugh, I can work a project without getting into the “rambles” of not understanding. 
  It is what it is.
  As I type this I had a glimpse of anger about it. Just then... a flicker. But why go back. Why try to defend.
Moving on.
And I am being super careful to keep my attitude And yap neutral with the mother daughter Relationship. That’s for my “ex” to show if she can maintain.
I would hope it’s possible.
Thanks again.
I’m hoping I don’t regress.
(This May be easier then quitting smoking)