Thanks BPD Family I’ve filed for divorce

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After 24 yrs married to BPD and raising 3 kids with her I finally filed for divorce.  After experiencing pretty much everything mentioned on every BPD site countless times over 24 years I have reached the end.  By what can only be described as some incredible luck, the following things happened within a short period of time:
1. My kids came to understand that their mother is ill
2. They reached out to her family and her family’s lack of help confirmed her family is part of the problem
3. My soon to be ex BPD attacked us and my youngest called the police.  BPD then ran off and attacked a neighbors house landing her in more legal trouble.
4. My kids thanked me for staying all these years and said they want to live with me.
5. I filed for divorce plus got a temporary protective order to keep her away from us.  
I cannot express what a long and often lonely journey this has been until now but with these events I am starting to look forward to the rest of my life.  Sites like yours have sustained me thru intense psychological manipulation and abuse.
I wish everyone on this site the very best and hope you can be decisive sooner than I was.

[Bernieo]

After 24 yrs married to BPD and raising 3 kids with her I finally filed for divorce.  After experiencing pretty much everything mentioned on every BPD site countless times over 24 years I have reached the end.  By what can only be described as some incredible luck, the following things happened within a short period of time:
1. My kids came to understand that their mother is ill
2. They reached out to her family and her family’s lack of help confirmed her family is part of the problem
3. My soon to be ex BPD attacked us and my youngest called the police.  BPD then ran off and attacked a neighbors house landing her in more legal trouble.
4. My kids thanked me for staying all these years and said they want to live with me.
5. I filed for divorce plus got a temporary protective order to keep her away from us.  
I cannot express what a long and often lonely journey this has been until now but with these events I am starting to look forward to the rest of my life.  Sites like yours have sustained me thru intense psychological manipulation and abuse.
I wish everyone on this site the very best and hope you can be decisive sooner than I was.

[livednlearned]

I'm sorry you and the kids had to go through so much trauma in order to begin healing, and glad you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

24 years is a long time.

Are you or any of the kids in counseling?

Do the kids understand BPD?

[SamwizeGamgee]

Oh wow!
I hope that everyone is safe, and can carry on with healing and working out a better future - including your STBX.  I believe that in a way, separating can help heal the abuser too.  I hope so.  I'm sorry you have been through so much.
I have started the slippery slope of divorce after 23 years and five kids (three at home still) so I understand some of the difficult decisions you probably have to make, or are making. 
BPDfamily get it. We're all here together, and "get it."

[Newyoungfather]

Hats off to you, I barely survived 1 year of the non stop abuse.  Once you are away from the abuse you come out of the FOG.  It all makes sense looking back, Steve Jobs would always say "you can't connect the dots looking forward, you connect the dots looking backward"

[PeteWitsend]

...
4. My kids thanked me for staying all these years and said they want to live with me.
...

This part made me smile.  Good for you and your kids. 

Your XW will likely never get over it, but hopefully you can all move on with as little contact with her as possible. 

[MeandThee29]

Deep breath, you can do this. Mine was a long marriage too, but no custody issues.

At my first appointment, my lawyer told me to deal with things as they came. Of course I could be upset, but then let it go. He said that if I did that, by signing, I'd be in a good place and on my way to healing. There were times in his office that I was so mad (and he was mad too), but he'd tell me to let it go by the time I got home. We had a plan, and if it didn't work, we'd make another plan. He said to go home and don't yell at the kids and kick the dog. He'd tell me how he had to do that too, leaving work at the door.

And he was right. I'd feel the anxiety rising, and I'd tell myself -- we have a plan, and if that plan fails, we'll make another plan. I took each interaction as it came and handled it, then let it go. If you don't let things build up, you'll make progress.

In the latter months when it was so nuts, my lawyer would tell me that I was in a good place for healing. As bad as I was hurting, I was where I needed to be to get through it. My stbx was doing things that indicated little healing, but let it go.

Also be prepared for more drama in closeout. I had hoped that part would be past us, but it wasn't. Same old, same old.

Take care.

[Sluggo]

Bernie,

It was a hard journey.  I left after 18 years of marriage and 7 kids.  I did not get primary custody... just every other weekend.  After 6 months post final decree, mom essentially gave up all rights and visitation. 

It took 36 months to start feeling like my young self.  I was so damaged but came out.  My childhood friends could start and  see the 'old me' after about 2 years.

Here for you

Sluggo

[Bernieo]

Thanks for all the kind wishes and support. I’m 3 months into this divorce and it’s moving slowly.  The TPO has been upheld so I have no contact with STBX which is very nice.  The 3 kids are doing well and it seems only one is speaking with Mom very much.  The oldest has blocked her. Sometimes I’m sad as I am coming to terms with the fact I was unable to fix her and the sense of purpose that brought me but 3 months away from her has helped me see there was never a time when it actually worked for me at all.
I’ve been asked about counseling for me.  I plan to do it again after the divorce is final because I feel I have good resolve now and my course is set.  I have good friends supporting me too. Best wishes to all of you.   BernieO

[BDR]

I am facing same thing after 20 years . At first I thought I would wait awhile to file but  the damage done cant be repaired. My bdp wife is at a rehab where they actually diagnosed her  with BDP.  After being separated a month and reading Walking on Egg Shells - I realized I wasnt the crazy one after all but I somehow  gained affirmation from my role as a caregiver .How is her family dealing with the divorce. My in laws loved me like a son but when I mentioned divorce their tone shifted quickly. 

[defogging]

Bernieo - I'm glad to hear you have found your freedom, and I'm glad to hear that your kids weren't turned against you as so often happens in these relationships.  I hope you can all heal with time.

One point of advice I will give is to take it slow and go easy on yourself.  After all the years of FOG you will need time to recover and find yourself again.

My backstory: I was married ten years to my uPDxw, for the last two years I was out of the FOG but was committed to remain as long as I could for the kids.  The manipulation and psychological abuse kept escalating.  I decided I had to leave when I was faced with two choices: 1-stay and let the kids see this as a model for relationships or; 2-leave and offer them a healthy house 50% of the time.  When I saw my kids modeling their mom's behavior,  and recognized the stress they were under it was a no brainer that I needed to leave and provide the best I could for them.

After I filed and moved out, I experienced a wide range of emotions.  Some days I was on top of the world, nothing could stop me.  Other days...barely enough energy to get off the couch and get a glass of water.  I was really down about the low energy days, because I'm a person that is always looking for a project or a workout.  It went back and forth and I had little control over it.  I finally realized that my mind and body were recovering from all the stress I'd endured and I just needed to process it.

Now, 15 months after filing, and 10 months after the divorce was finalized, I feel like I'm 75% of the way back to myself.  I feel a ton better.  I had stomach and health issues which are now gone, and anxiety over every slamming door that I didn't expect.  But, there is still some work to do to get to 100%.  My kids are little, so I still need to deal with my exPDw a lot which slows the healing process.  I'm gathering that your kids are older so there is less of that, but you will still have to deal with her.  Holidays, weddings, etc. 

All I'm saying is don't expect to regain yourself overnight.  When you have a down day, just go with it.  Heal, go through the process, and you will eventually find your drive again.  Good luck, you have my best wishes.

[Bernieo]

Feeling a little blue today so logged on for some moral support.  Just passed the 6 month mark since filing for divorce and about 6 months to go until divorce trial date.  Yesterday I negotiated my wife's penalties for domestic violence on me with the DA and her attorney.  Telling the DA I'd still like to see her get treatment after me trying every trick in the book for 20 years to try to get her treatment made be relive how futile it was to even try.  Her denial is insurmountable.  Her penalty of 6 months of 90minutes per week of domestic violence classes must have hit a nerve with her because one of my daughters stayed the night with her last night and won't even look at me today.  My daughter will come back to the light.
I'm doing OK and have friends coming to stay this weekend.  Usually I'm feeling pretty good but about once a day I'll just start saying "why, why" and shaking my head.  I need to come to terms that there was never anything I could have done.  Usually I push those feelings out of my head but sometimes the feeling of desperation and helplessness resurfaces.  Then I just tell myself I've spent enough time trying to solve something that never had an answer.  I still have the 3 kids here with me most of the time which I am very happy about. 
I really appreciate the encouraging comments.  Only a few people I know can understand this situation and so to have additional support  really means a lot to me. Thanks defogging, BDR, Sluggo, Meandthree29,PeteW, Newyoungfather, samwise, livednlearned.

[Baglady]

Hi Bernieo. 

Please try to hang in there - there are inevitable downs and lows through the process of separating from a long term relationship with a BPD spouse.  Survivor of a 27 year relationship (21 year marriage) although mine broke down in a matter of weeks due to my exBPD's psychotic break and uncharacteristic drug use, cheating, horrific blaming and finally an assault.  I had never heard of BPD in the weeks of chaos that this was happening so you can imagine my utter shock and confusion.  When I read about BPD - it was an immense relief and literally everything in my long relationship finally, finally made sense.  I couldn't believe that a mental disorder was the answer to decades of psychological abuse and craven manipulation.

I co-parent with my son (who only half believes that my ex has a mental illness (my ex can present as very high functioning when it suits him).   My in-laws (my only family in this country) completely rejected reality (as he was being verbally abusive/splitting them and being psychotic) and pinned the blame on me as being the cause of his behavior.  There is some excuse for my ex's behavior but none for theirs.

All this to say that being intertwined with a mentally ill person leaves it's mark.  We are scarred as a result.  Maybe it's time for connecting with a counselor?   Mine saved me and really helped to get me through.  This site too is invaluable so keep connecting here - we are the few who really get it.

Warmly, 
B